[Riku]

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Stuck inside (never helps, I hate it) and sitting next to my brother right now. An hour ago I was thinking I hate him, because he took the last of the bread, which emant I couldn't even fall back on an on toast and had to have cheese and crackers instead. Last time I had them I cried from the fear. Alas, I went silly from stress and now I'm on the comedown from sugar, feel completely drained yet again and my mind's seeing the world very strangely...(his Star Wars soundtrack in the background just about keeping me awake. John Williams is superb).
It's not his fault really, though, is it? He didn't hold me at gunpoint and say "BINGE, NOW". And just because I'm housebound doesn't mean I have to make myself ill. It's mine, and the fact I refused to adapt when I know I'm setting myself up to fail with perfectionism. It's only bloody cheese and crackers, it's not even that bad for you (went well with the apple and chutney even...might've been afraid to have it but somewhere deep down it was kinda scrumptious!)
Same thing with exercise-I'm beating msyelf up too much for only hitting X speed on the treadmill, for example. (I'm going pretty slow, to be honest. I hate being unfit.) It's like I should be going quicker than that, there's still some sort of moral imperative for me to be pnhysically fit.
Had to explain to him to ignore me when this happens. I'm finding being unable to talk to anyone except my therapist pretty damn hard. Terrifying, even; I'm not seeing her until after Easter. I wanna go to the docs and get my bloods checked. But the ED Services have even said, I'm fine, I'm not at risk, no doctor for me. It's extreme but I'm finding it means I get on with things and stop just making msyelf out to be a victim. Gotta say I don't like it. I want, might even need the safety net. Grrr
I'm really tempted to try and cut sugar entirely for now, possibly forever, to stop having self-induced anxiety, given all the research suggesting it to every physical and mental health problem under the sun, but that might be taking the easy road out. I want to be able to enjoy food again, not be afraid of it-any of it, ever. I want to be able to eat Christmas pud for breakfast one day just because I fancied it, to have Dominos 2 for Tuesdays with mates or say actually, I'd rather have a bowl of Coco Pops; a truly open and unconditional relationship. I also want to be able to have a messy night, as in if I choose not to drink it's because of personal ethic not because I'm scared to be drunk or hungover.
Is it normal to hit a point where you're just sick of eating? Not even from the "I'll only eat because I'm recovering" aspect, just after it bores you and you want a fuller life than that? Because that's basically happened to me. It's all just-bland. This isn't me at all. I love food! And yet strangely my life is getting fuller and more meaningful by the minute-least on the days when this doesn't happen. Was food only interesting because I was depressed, and everything else was too scary so I could turn that into a passion instead? Or do I now hate it because I'm so used to using it all against me, even if I pretend to myself it's for me? Can't we have both?

[Cinnie]

(Original post by Riku)
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Remember that you can't be the master of everything in your life. Most of us only have one or two hobbies/professions/interests that we really go full pelt at and become the master of. Your mind will go into overdrive if you try and be amazing at running, recovering, re-learning how to be around food and yourself, re-building relationships. That's why most of us who persue sporty things will never get to X speed. Not because we can't, not because we've failed, but because that's not the reason we're there. Sugar isn't causing you anxiety - it's not the enemy your paranoia is. Having less sugar until you've figured it out may not be a bad thing, but cutting it out forever is completely unrealistic.
It's very normal to have times where you're bored of eating - just like any other everyday thing in your life such as how long you sleep for, how much you exercise, how much time you spend watching the birds out of your window. It will always be changing like everything in life dont you think?

[Etoile]

Boyfriend just broke up with me, as predicted. He said it was because it was too hard to care for someone who didn't care for themself...
Shame he never asked how I was. Since that post 2 days ago I've really tried to eat and managed a slightly more human figure, and I haven't cut in two weeks. C'est la vie.

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Etoile)
Boyfriend just broke up with me, as predicted. He said it was because it was too hard to care for someone who didn't care for themself...
Shame he never asked how I was. Since that post 2 days ago I've really tried to eat and managed a slightly more human figure, and I haven't cut in two weeks. C'est la vie.

urgh. Men. -hugging- Please,please,please don't take this as a reason to eat even less than normal/ go a bit razor happy. cos you're too lovely for that.

[Etoile]

(Original post by .snowflake.)
urgh. Men. -hugging- Please,please,please don't take this as a reason to eat even less than normal/ go a bit razor happy. cos you're too lovely for that.

Indeed. But why? One person who I thought wanted me alive isn't actually that bothered. So it brings my total of people who care about me to 1. And that's what everyone's going to assume, that it's because of him! So now nobody can definitely find out about my ED/SI/general depression because they're even more likely to blow it off/call me attention seeking. I'm not even particularly sad tbh, it's one less layer of pressure, one less person I'm disappointing to. But just fml for how everyone's going to react.

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Etoile)
Indeed. But why? One person who I thought wanted me alive isn't actually that bothered. So it brings my total of people who care about me to 1. And that's what everyone's going to assume, that it's because of him! So now nobody can definitely find out about my ED/SI/general depression because they're even more likely to blow it off/call me attention seeking. I'm not even particularly sad tbh, it's one less layer of pressure, one less person I'm disappointing to. But just fml for how everyone's going to react.

because eating even less isnt going to do your innards any good/ probably render you completely infertile or somesuch. and cutting ****ing hurts when you do it/ get soap/shampoo in it/ sweat/ realise what the hell you've done and you're got PE tomorrow. then you spend the next three weeks desparately trying not to show your arms where you've made a mess of them/ bruised the **** out of them because you've been pulling at the skin. AND I LIKE YOU TOO MUCH AS A PERSON. OKAY?

[Etoile]

(Original post by .snowflake.)
because eating even less isnt going to do your innards any good/ probably render you completely infertile or somesuch. and cutting ****ing hurts when you do it/ get soap/shampoo in it/ sweat/ realise what the hell you've done and you're got PE tomorrow. then you spend the next three weeks desparately trying not to show your arms where you've made a mess of them/ bruised the **** out of them because you've been pulling at the skin. AND I LIKE YOU TOO MUCH AS A PERSON. OKAY?

I probably am anyway, and the pain is kind of the point. Plus no PE for me any more Although don't worry! I realised how unhappy I am with my life yesterday morning, before this happened, and resolved to change as much as possible of it. So today I'm actually pretty happy, because I've made a list and I'm hoping things are going to improve pretty soon. In fact, my relationship was one of the things making me unhappy but I'm terrible at leaving people because I'm such a people pleaser and I hate hurting people's feelings. SO, for me I am now growing my hair, going to RECOVER, get HEALTHY, spend time with my family, paint my bedroom etc.
I LIKE YOU TOO SO ALSO BE GOOD(:

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Etoile)
I probably am anyway, and the pain is kind of the point. Plus no PE for me any more Although don't worry! I realised how unhappy I am with my life yesterday morning, before this happened, and resolved to change as much as possible of it. So today I'm actually pretty happy, because I've made a list and I'm hoping things are going to improve pretty soon. In fact, my relationship was one of the things making me unhappy but I'm terrible at leaving people because I'm such a people pleaser and I hate hurting people's feelings. SO, for me I am now growing my hair, going to RECOVER, get HEALTHY, spend time with my family, paint my bedroom etc.
I LIKE YOU TOO SO ALSO BE GOOD(:

I've done the reverse, I've cut it. Its awesome. I'm tryinggg.

[TotoMimo]

Continuing in the vein of "Inspiring revelations for recovery", I've just had the most amazing kick in the backside.

I'm currently working for Ubisoft Reflections as a videogame artist down in Newcastle but haven't been actually in-office for a while due to my debility. I now live with my dad in Scotland whilst I slowly recover.

This week I was headhunted by a huge company in Scotland who want to consider me forthe job of lead game designer, an even BETTER job with greater creative freedom (and more moolah!). After talking with them they want me to go for an interview first thing next week. However, my therapy/support/physicians are unwilling to sign me back on for work until I gain beyond 18.5 BMI (so I still have to get above 8 stones!!) - and if successful, I'd start in one month!!

So -

ONE MONTH.

ONE STONE.

COME AT ME, CHOCOLATE.

[Annie72]

(Original post by TotoMimo)
Continuing in the vein of "Inspiring revelations for recovery", I've just had the most amazing kick in the backside.

I'm currently working for Ubisoft Reflections as a videogame artist down in Newcastle but haven't been actually in-office for a while due to my debility. I now live with my dad in Scotland whilst I slowly recover.

This week I was headhunted by a huge company in Scotland who want to consider me forthe job of lead game designer, an even BETTER job with greater creative freedom (and more moolah!). After talking with them they want me to go for an interview first thing next week. However, my therapy/support/physicians are unwilling to sign me back on for work until I gain beyond 18.5 BMI (so I still have to get above 8 stones!!) - and if successful, I'd start in one month!!

So -

ONE MONTH.

ONE STONE.

COME AT ME, CHOCOLATE.

Good luck

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by TotoMimo)
Continuing in the vein of "Inspiring revelations for recovery", I've just had the most amazing kick in the backside.

I'm currently working for Ubisoft Reflections as a videogame artist down in Newcastle but haven't been actually in-office for a while due to my debility. I now live with my dad in Scotland whilst I slowly recover.

This week I was headhunted by a huge company in Scotland who want to consider me forthe job of lead game designer, an even BETTER job with greater creative freedom (and more moolah!). After talking with them they want me to go for an interview first thing next week. However, my therapy/support/physicians are unwilling to sign me back on for work until I gain beyond 18.5 BMI (so I still have to get above 8 stones!!) - and if successful, I'd start in one month!!

So -

ONE MONTH.

ONE STONE.

COME AT ME, CHOCOLATE.

Nice one!

[Etoile]

(Original post by .snowflake.)
I've done the reverse, I've cut it. Its awesome. I'm tryinggg.

Awesome There's nothing like a new style to change how you feel And trying is good
I can't get over how happy I am It's like I've remembered how to be a person again.

(Original post by TotoMimo)
Continuing in the vein of "Inspiring revelations for recovery", I've just had the most amazing kick in the backside.

I'm currently working for Ubisoft Reflections as a videogame artist down in Newcastle but haven't been actually in-office for a while due to my debility. I now live with my dad in Scotland whilst I slowly recover.

This week I was headhunted by a huge company in Scotland who want to consider me forthe job of lead game designer, an even BETTER job with greater creative freedom (and more moolah!). After talking with them they want me to go for an interview first thing next week. However, my therapy/support/physicians are unwilling to sign me back on for work until I gain beyond 18.5 BMI (so I still have to get above 8 stones!!) - and if successful, I'd start in one month!!

So -

ONE MONTH.

ONE STONE.

COME AT ME, CHOCOLATE.

That's awesome! Good luck/congrats

[blueray]

I know this is a really sensitive topic, so Iwont be making any jokes.
This is serious.

When going through anything in life, I always think doing meditiation for 10 minutes a day, can benefit you as a person.
It will make you understand who you are and how to control yourself.
This with yoga with will mean you will be able to tackle virtually any situation life hurls at you

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Etoile)
Awesome There's nothing like a new style to change how you feel And trying is good
I can't get over how happy I am It's like I've remembered how to be a person again.

i know. its epic. can't find my grey beret which is annoying me no end.

[Etoile]

(Original post by .snowflake.)
i know. its epic. can't find my grey beret which is annoying me no end.

Ooh fancy. Learn French!

(Original post by blueray)
I know this is a really sensitive topic, so Iwont be making any jokes.
This is serious.

When going through anything in life, I always think doing meditiation for 10 minutes a day, can benefit you as a person.
It will make you understand who you are and how to control yourself.
This with yoga with will mean you will be able to tackle virtually any situation life hurls at you

Sup blueray. I've never understood how to do meditation, something about lacking inner calm :L Can you explain it?

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Etoile)
Ooh fancy. Learn French!



Sup blueray. I've never understood how to do meditation, something about lacking inner calm :L Can you explain it?

Je parle....Je parle... Je ne parle Francais. My limit of french is literally Bonjour Madame! Ca va? Ca va bien Merci. Et vous?
Yoga is amazing. Quite impressed that a friend managed to bugger her back up doing a sun salutation.

[Green_girl94]

(Original post by TotoMimo)


Cinamon, that is something I really despise about the scales, and this ED - and that's the guilty, awful shameful glee I feel when the number on it... the arbitrary little LCD number on my set of scales - is less than it was previously.

It's strange as in every other capacity (my family telling me how much better I look, people saying I'm getting back to my "handsome self" - haha) I LIKE recovery. But that NUMBER. God, why does a stupid number have to count?

I suppose only that individual sufferer can place a bearing on the importance of it, but I personally find it both stupid and critical to "progress".

A few months into my treatment (nearly four years ago now!) my mum found out I was still weighing myself (I was also still managing to lose weight ) We got back from the doctors or wherever and she did not talk to me just walked upstairs. I was in the living room when I heard the front door slam and then this almighty banging. I looked out the window to find my mum outside attacking the scales with a sledgehammer. To this day if I even think of getting on the scale or worrying about it. I just remember that moment!

My advice do something like that with your own scales!!

[TotoMimo]

Green Girl, even just you telling me about that incident is a powerful image! I can just imagine your mum's rage.

Another thing we tend to forget is that an ED is a very selfish condition. We might not know it, but we are so introvert and self-obsessed without realising that we simply assume it doesn't have a "harm radius" - our families are wrought with pain, anguish and frustration.

My dad told me one night when he was drunk that "You killing yourself is killing me too. Every time you indulge those habits it breaks my heart I can't do anything to help you."

[Riku]

Uuugh what to do when you woke up at 3AM by your brother coming in from a heavy drinking session and been wide awake ever since.
I'm incredibly jealous that he can get away with abusing himself like that for funsies, and yet if I slip up with looking after myself (pizza last night as treat; genuinely good day on the beach) my mind and body rebel and give me hell.
So pissed off. I've tried staying positive and using coping mechanisms/relaxation techniques (Viz, music, meditation, Sudoku-okay, maybe the last one's a bit of a bad idea) but tonight the sandman's off-duty. The only reason I haven't binged is as Toto said, that I'm sick of tearing my parents' hearts apart by doing something that has no purpose and makes no-one really feel better. But if I eat enough it'd finally make me sleepy...
It's Easter today but it doesn't really feel like it right now : /

[Green_girl94]

(Original post by TotoMimo)
Green Girl, even just you telling me about that incident is a powerful image! I can just imagine your mum's rage.

Another thing we tend to forget is that an ED is a very selfish condition. We might not know it, but we are so introvert and self-obsessed without realising that we simply assume it doesn't have a "harm radius" - our families are wrought with pain, anguish and frustration.

My dad told me one night when he was drunk that "You killing yourself is killing me too. Every time you indulge those habits it breaks my heart I can't do anything to help you."

At the time it scared the sh*t out of me. She didn't say a word she was so angry, just hacked at that thing! And your right. Only now when I'm 'better have I been able to talk things over with her and the rest of my family (I have a little sister who I finally feel I am looking after instead of the other way round! ). And I feel awful for everything I put them through, but as they say the best apology I can give is continuing to recover

Riku - I know it's hard (espcially late at night when you can't sleep and feel all alone) but you can do this! Lie down and think of all the reasons not to binge (in therapy we called it 'Wise Mind'. And for future help with sleep try these things:

- Warm drink (milk/chamomile tea/horlicks - anything that dosent have caffinne!)
- Try and cut down on caffiene during the day
- Warm baths
- Lavender oil ( a few drops on a tissue and tucking that tissue in your pillow/ dropping in bath)
- Lowering the lights while getting into bed/reading
- Relaxation tapes (my personal preferences is audiobooks/ thunderstorms!)
- Keeping to a routine for a while (i.e. going to be at a usual time and doing the usual things before you go to bed - it gets your body use to winding down!)
- Valerien root, lemon balm (herbal sleep/ stress remidies!)

Hope these help!! x