[Anonymous]

(Original post by feath)
I was just wondering...I am currently in the depths of Anorexia, and whilst I have recently started treatment in therapy, it's defo taking a toll on my a-levels...I was predicted 3 A*s but with a low concentration and all the other joys this vile illness has brought, I'd say that most of my exams have so far gone preeettttyyy ****. I need an A* AA for my first choice too, and I can almost certainly guarantee that won't happen whilst trying to cope with this at the same time. SO, is it possible for teachers to get in touch with the uni, with proof from say my doctor or my therapist, and tell them about my situation if I do indeed get bad marks? Would the unis take this into consideration? Despite my grades? Or is there no room for leeway? T'would be brill if I could know...I can't believe I've worked so hard, all my life, to get good grades and then just throw it away at the final hurdle :-(

Its not quite the same, but I started treatment just before my GCSEs, and my therapist and GP put a bunch of stuff together for me to submit to the exam boards. I don't actually know what effect it had on my results, but I'm pretty sure that evidence for extenuated circumstances must be submitted before the exam is taken. It would be worth checking though.

I guess if the anorexia and treatment does affect your results and you miss your offer you can explain your circumstances to the uni - they might be sympathetic, particularly as your trying to recover.

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by feath)
I was just wondering...I am currently in the depths of Anorexia, and whilst I have recently started treatment in therapy, it's defo taking a toll on my a-levels...I was predicted 3 A*s but with a low concentration and all the other joys this vile illness has brought, I'd say that most of my exams have so far gone preeettttyyy ****. I need an A* AA for my first choice too, and I can almost certainly guarantee that won't happen whilst trying to cope with this at the same time. SO, is it possible for teachers to get in touch with the uni, with proof from say my doctor or my therapist, and tell them about my situation if I do indeed get bad marks? Would the unis take this into consideration? Despite my grades? Or is there no room for leeway? T'would be brill if I could know...I can't believe I've worked so hard, all my life, to get good grades and then just throw it away at the final hurdle :-(

Do your school know about your ED? Its probably possible to get special consideration for it, but I do know a friend got it for all her AS exams last year as she sat them whilst ill. What exactly you'd get I have no idea. Special consideration DOESNT appear on your certificate, I had it for a music exam at GCSE, and have it for my AS speaking exam (laptop died, had to sit then entire exam again). Did you mention your ED on your UCAS application, I think telling the university is something you have to do.

[Green_girl94]

(Original post by jazzykinks)
Hello stranger I think I know who you are. No guesses as to who I am -- pretty obvious. Just stay strong hun. Don't be worried about it. Remember that you're veggie for the right reasons, not the wrong ones, and try and stick to it as best you can. It's not the end of the world if you eat something you think is veggie and it isn't. It's not your fault. Don't feel nervous about it. Remember how far you've come and how great life is now! x

Hahaha. Yes I am who you think I am! I've already been TSR stalking you (your Kinks of Exeter is awesome!) Thanks hun! You're right I've calmed down a bit know and am just focusing on reading up on stuff in the future! Can always count on you to be a great help!

(Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
:raises hand: I'm veggie (and was through my ED)! The mozarella *should* be vegetarian, especially if they told you it is but really morally speaking you can't be blamed for being mislead and then eating animal rennet... After all, there's no such think as the Veggie Police. A great way to see what's really veggie is to look at Sainsburys food packets and see if they have the veggie sign on (Sainsburys are usually the most clear). Generally speaking what's common in Sainsburys food should be common while you're out.

Ugh, it is so annoying when the main 'veggie' option on a menu contains pesto... Parmesan cannot be vegetarian to be classified as parmesan! However in some places I've been told that in their pesto they use a different cheese as it's the spinach and pine-nuts that give it most of it's flavour (or so I was told by waiters).

Again you are right also! I'll try and shop in Sainsbury's more! And now that I've calmed down I realise it's all part and parcel (I've heard it takes some people years to go properly vegetarian due to bad labelling etc) so I'm trying not to be 'fixed' on it!

Thanks to you both!

[Green_girl94]

(Original post by kikukaede)
Many restaurants and cafes will lie because they want your custom, but I find most of the time many staff aren't even aware that certain cheeses aren't veggie. Basically you just have to trust their word - stick to places that you know are trustworthy and be sure to doublecheck if you aren't sure or if it isn't made clear. Try maybe finding a veggie/vegan green-grocers in your town? Usually there will be at least one if you live somewhere substantial, and you can be sure anything you buy there will be safe. Also, if the produce is organic it means you can feel good about your fruit and veg too

In the end, even if you do accidentally eat animal remains, don't let it discourage you or upset you too much. It's not the end of the world.

Oh and thank you too! And yeah I work at my local health food shop which is a plus- employee discount!

[Riku]

I do not understand why I think a solution to a binge is eat more protein to slow it and compensate (never works) rather than just stop and start eating again when feeling better?

[Cinnie]

(Original post by Riku)
I do not understand why I think a solution to a binge is eat more protein to slow it and compensate (never works) rather than just stop and start eating again when feeling better?

I find that the only thing that works for me after a binge is to write down everything i'm feeling in a journal and give myself 30 minutes to chill, shower, do a bit of yoga, e.c.t Sounds a bit lame but you know the only answer is just distraction from food altogether. xxxx

[Riku]

(Original post by Cinnie)
I find that the only thing that works for me after a binge is to write down everything i'm feeling in a journal and give myself 30 minutes to chill, shower, do a bit of yoga, e.c.t Sounds a bit lame but you know the only answer is just distraction from food altogether. xxxx

Doesn't lame at all, sounds sensible! I've started with the diaries again but there's a danger of it consuming the day because I get stuck in rumination cycle's very easily. Not sure how to draw the line with them. x

[sentiment]

Guys, need some advice if anyone's got any ideas.

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My determination to get better and get healthy very promptly deteriorated into the worst relapse I have had in years. I am basically struggling to consume anything at all other than water and it's really not helping with my end of year uni exams which will probably be suffering because I am totally braindead all the time. I know I need to eat four or five times what I'm currently getting through in a day but it feels so overwhelmingly terrifying that I don't know how to get started. What's scaring me most is that pretty much every time I have been heavily restricting before, I haven't wanted to get out of the cycle, I've just wanted to drive myself deeper and deeper into it, whereas now I really do want to snap out of it but I feel like I just can't and I don't know what to do to break the cycle. So does anyone have any suggestions for how I can get back to eating even just a little bit more? Sorry for the negativity!

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by sentiment)
Guys, need some advice if anyone's got any ideas.

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My determination to get better and get healthy very promptly deteriorated into the worst relapse I have had in years. I am basically struggling to consume anything at all other than water and it's really not helping with my end of year uni exams which will probably be suffering because I am totally braindead all the time. I know I need to eat four or five times what I'm currently getting through in a day but it feels so overwhelmingly terrifying that I don't know how to get started. What's scaring me most is that pretty much every time I have been heavily restricting before, I haven't wanted to get out of the cycle, I've just wanted to drive myself deeper and deeper into it, whereas now I really do want to snap out of it but I feel like I just can't and I don't know what to do to break the cycle. So does anyone have any suggestions for how I can get back to eating even just a little bit more? Sorry for the negativity!

First of all:
Secondly, I'm assuming York know about your ED. If not, why not/ would telling them help in terms of your exams etc.
On the whole eating more thing, I'm just chucking ideas out there. Try putting something nibbly on your desk whilst you're revising, dried fruit, slices of apple (put lemon juice on them so they don't go brown and look horribly unappetsing). I'm quite partial to a jaffa cake or two whilst revising.
If you sit down and think really, really hard about what you want to eat. Choose something then have it. Even if it is a slice of toast.

I'll admit now I've never been in that deep, so really have no idea if the ideas will help.

[Riku]

(Original post by sentiment)
Guys, need some advice if anyone's got any ideas.

Spoiler:

Show

My determination to get better and get healthy very promptly deteriorated into the worst relapse I have had in years. I am basically struggling to consume anything at all other than water and it's really not helping with my end of year uni exams which will probably be suffering because I am totally braindead all the time. I know I need to eat four or five times what I'm currently getting through in a day but it feels so overwhelmingly terrifying that I don't know how to get started. What's scaring me most is that pretty much every time I have been heavily restricting before, I haven't wanted to get out of the cycle, I've just wanted to drive myself deeper and deeper into it, whereas now I really do want to snap out of it but I feel like I just can't and I don't know what to do to break the cycle. So does anyone have any suggestions for how I can get back to eating even just a little bit more? Sorry for the negativity!

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It's often harder to break free once we desire it than when it's out of the question, because we then have to deal with fighting for better and what comes after, and beyond that, how we keep what we fought for rather than returning to the comfort of the older, less satisfying way of things. This habit of self-destruction has for many of us become a way of life, and it's terrifying to think of the alternative, even to alter one aspect and get a different perspective. Change is scary because we don't know what lies around the corner-but change is life, it it's the way we grow. That's something to be embraced, surely?
Go towards something, choose a reason to eat and recover, and as you take a bite really TELL yourself that reason as if your life depended on it. With each bite, think of a new reason and keep focussing on that each time.
You could perhaps start with something easier like a piece of fruit, a banana, and that first bite could be taken because you say "I am giving myself brain food which will help fuel my body and mind to get me through these exams with the grades and the degree I deserve, because I have a right to be the very best I can." Whenever you hit a moment where you lose your appetite and want to throw the banana away or spit it out, you can keep chewing knowing what you're chewing for, and swallow with pride.
But I can't decide what you bite the banana for, Sentiment, no-one here can really. That's entirely up to you, so make it a reason you'd fight to the very end for.
Maybe this isn't what you expected to hear when you asked for help. I really hope it can anyway.

[sentiment]

(Original post by .snowflake.)
First of all:
Secondly, I'm assuming York know about your ED. If not, why not/ would telling them help in terms of your exams etc.
On the whole eating more thing, I'm just chucking ideas out there. Try putting something nibbly on your desk whilst you're revising, dried fruit, slices of apple (put lemon juice on them so they don't go brown and look horribly unappetsing). I'm quite partial to a jaffa cake or two whilst revising.
If you sit down and think really, really hard about what you want to eat. Choose something then have it. Even if it is a slice of toast.

I'll admit now I've never been in that deep, so really have no idea if the ideas will help.

Thanks so much York actually don't know, I've never told my school/college officially although I think at college my tutors were pretty well aware that there was something going on. I was kind of hoping to get through uni like a normal person! Hopefully I won't have messed them up too badly this year and then by next year I would like to think that things could be a lot better.

Really good suggestion about snacking, I used to be an absolute serial snacker so if I've got food that I like sitting around then I might actually just pick it up and eat it without really thinking. Less daunting than actual meals. Also I really like raisins which are teeny tiny but pretty good for energy so I might give that a go

Thanks so much for your help!

[sentiment]

(Original post by Riku)

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It's often harder to break free once we desire it than when it's out of the question, because we then have to deal with fighting for better and what comes after, and beyond that, how we keep what we fought for rather than returning to the comfort of the older, less satisfying way of things. This habit of self-destruction has for many of us become a way of life, and it's terrifying to think of the alternative, even to alter one aspect and get a different perspective. Change is scary because we don't know what lies around the corner-but change is life, it it's the way we grow. That's something to be embraced, surely?
Go towards something, choose a reason to eat and recover, and as you take a bite really TELL yourself that reason as if your life depended on it. With each bite, think of a new reason and keep focussing on that each time.
You could perhaps start with something easier like a piece of fruit, a banana, and that first bite could be taken because you say "I am giving myself brain food which will help fuel my body and mind to get me through these exams with the grades and the degree I deserve, because I have a right to be the very best I can." Whenever you hit a moment where you lose your appetite and want to throw the banana away or spit it out, you can keep chewing knowing what you're chewing for, and swallow with pride.
But I can't decide what you bite the banana for, Sentiment, no-one here can really. That's entirely up to you, so make it a reason you'd fight to the very end for.
Maybe this isn't what you expected to hear when you asked for help. I really hope it can anyway.

Thanks Riku, that was definitely what I needed to hear. I kind of find myself just taking things day by day at the moment without really considering what's going to happen in a week or a month or a year if I keep this up and although people always say 'take it a day at a time' when things are tough, I think with this kind of situation it actually helps to take a more long-term view. I actually just found out that a girl who was in the year below me at school is running the Edinburgh Marathon tomorrow and it has triggered my competitive side...I decided a little while ago now that I really wanted to run a marathon one day (can't express how big of a pipe dream it is, at the moment I can run pretty much 4 miles tops haha). But you can't run a marathon on a liquid diet right? Perhaps that should become my banana-motivation haha.

Thank you for trying to help me think like a normal person

[Antiaris]

This isn't such a psychological emergency thing as some, but has anyone else ever had ED related dreams? I've always had fairly manic dreams, so ED dreams tend to be tame in comparison action wise but they tend to resound more, affecting my day ahead.

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For example;
Normal dream: I have dreams ranging from riding stone turtles up waterfalls to being the minister in a marriage between a woman and a ferret in Central Park, NY.

Double spoiler just in case

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ED dream: Getting dreams where my gut is larger than reality and people call me out on it, tugging and jubbling the fat. Dreams where fat enclose my face and stops me breathing, etc. (Admittedly I nigh on asphyxiated into my pillow on that one as I ended up sleeping face down, but still...)

[TotoMimo]

Antiaris, i have such dreams. Usually when drunken, mind!

Though at the minute I feel I am "living that dream" -on the cusp of recovery, my body is bmi 18.5 now but I keep looking in the mirror expecting the ill me. It is surprising how tough it is to adjust. Like I have lost the "illness barrier" , a shield of how others did perceive me.

Now when people see me, they see a "normal guy", yet I constantly feel there should be that ED "shield" or "padding" to soften reality, when in all fairness all it ever did was alienate me. How cruel an ED is.

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Antiaris)
This isn't such a psychological emergency thing as some, but has anyone else ever had ED related dreams? I've always had fairly manic dreams, so ED dreams tend to be tame in comparison action wise but they tend to resound more, affecting my day ahead.

Spoiler:

Show

For example;
Normal dream: I have dreams ranging from riding stone turtles up waterfalls to being the minister in a marriage between a woman and a ferret in Central Park, NY.

Double spoiler just in case

Spoiler:

Show

ED dream: Getting dreams where my gut is larger than reality and people call me out on it, tugging and jubbling the fat. Dreams where fat enclose my face and stops me breathing, etc. (Admittedly I nigh on asphyxiated into my pillow on that one as I ended up sleeping face down, but still...)

I've had that. Admittedly my normal dreams tend to involve zombies and **** like that. ED dreams tend to be

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me eating **** tonnes of food and absolutely ballooning to the size of a small house, and the voice inside my head is screaming for 'me' to stop stuffing her face, but 'she' wont.

I tend to wake up on the verge of a panic attack/tears convinced it's real.

[Riku]

I said a few months ago I'm never going to binge. Don't think it quite got in my head. So I'll say it again.
From this day forth I VOW to never binge to hurt myself. Or hurt myself in any way. We have enough on our hands dealing with the world and the daily grind without throwing more in our face.
I undoubtedly will lose control, we all know banning food forever doesn't work, I'd love it even if I had a night of indulgence with family or friends that stayed in the zones of pleasure, but I will not
It just has really become apparent that the number one reason I do this is because I have this idea no-one likes me when there's no evidence for that whastoever. Quite the opposite almost. I don't feel I can deal with having a great life-or with being able to have fun on my own-so whenever things are good, something lucky happens or someone says something lovely, or when I'm left to my own devices, I go and negate it with this so I'll forget. Today it happened, at breakfast yeah, but after a really good afternoon supporting my local parish in a fundraiser. I mean what? So no more.
I vowed this on my life. I promised if I could make it back to the door I would stop, because I sincerely doubted ever making it. (OK exaggeration, but my body and head hurt beyond belief, swollen glands last night even : /).

Here's the weird thing. 7000 cal+ binge, most of which was junk. Thought I'd have to starve myself for the next couple of days, or at least restrict. Didn't puke (felt sick, didn't want to be), didn't purge, didn't go out to burn it off . Even managed to eat my bloody tea and watch Batman :P 12 hours rest from eating, 6-7 hours sleep, only 15 hours after this binge, head still hurts a little but that's it-woke up pretty damn hungry for brekkie.
Just a thought. And I didn't go through re-feeding syndrome.

Related to this, doing IE...can you honestly just eat when you're hungry? No rules? Say you don't wake up until lunch, can you trust yourself to say "I'm not hugely hungry, I'll , not gonna make this a habit?" I want to get back to IE, it was having a late lunch I wasn't really hungry for that triggered me today. But maybe it's too early in things to do that.

On topic, been blessed without real "ED" dreams. Have experienced the fun of a night as a globe-trotting tennis ball though, imagine the jump ball catapults without the ropes, try it out sometime!

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Antiaris)
This isn't such a psychological emergency thing as some, but has anyone else ever had ED related dreams? I've always had fairly manic dreams, so ED dreams tend to be tame in comparison action wise but they tend to resound more, affecting my day ahead.

Spoiler:

Show

For example;
Normal dream: I have dreams ranging from riding stone turtles up waterfalls to being the minister in a marriage between a woman and a ferret in Central Park, NY.

Double spoiler just in case

Spoiler:

Show

ED dream: Getting dreams where my gut is larger than reality and people call me out on it, tugging and jubbling the fat. Dreams where fat enclose my face and stops me breathing, etc. (Admittedly I nigh on asphyxiated into my pillow on that one as I ended up sleeping face down, but still...)

I have quite bad dreams all around - normally nightmares where people I love die or turn on me.

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Occasionally I'll have dreams about self harm and being really thin, don't really have dreams about being bigger or eating a lot though

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Antiaris)
This isn't such a psychological emergency thing as some, but has anyone else ever had ED related dreams? I've always had fairly manic dreams, so ED dreams tend to be tame in comparison action wise but they tend to resound more, affecting my day ahead.

I get ED dreams most nights at the moment, they're worse if I've binged. They're pretty horrible and I often wake up in tears, shaking at 4:00 in the morning, and then I won't be able to stop thinking about it for at least the rest of the morning. I don't really get dreams that aren't ED related anymore.

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It's usually me eating something I don't really eat - the most recent one was weird, it was me at a bus stop eating chips and curry sauce (something I haven't eaten for years) early in the morning, and then I got on a bus and realised I wouldn't be able to purge, and I was just sat there screaming in my head with all these people from college around me. Usually it's things like looking in the mirror and rolls of flab just growing out of me, or people grabbing at my flab etc. I find them terrifying, I haven't got a clue how to get rid of them

[sentiment]

I don't think I've ever truly understood before what people mean when they say how divisive this illness is and how it destroys your relationships with the people closest to you. One friend has gradually been working out how difficult I'm finding things at the moment (he has access to my blog where I document everything) and last week he found out how low my intake has been which I think shocked him. He's very interested in fitness and nutrition and he came over on Saturday night to sit down with me and try to assuage my fears about eating more. He basically told me what I should be eating and in what macros and we talked in length about how I realise that what I'm doing is destroying my body and can't go on and how it's all just really stupid. I said I'd try to act on his advice but I always knew there was going to be no way I could just suddenly go from barely touching food to eating what he suggested and I'd have to do it gradually. I really am trying but I can't pretend it's easy when I'm in physical pain from eating the smallest amount of food. It just seems like now he's come to the end of his tether about not being able to understand WHY it's so hard and he just doesn't want to know anymore. I feel hideously guilty and that's something I really don't need when I'm finding it so hard to deal with anyway. I feel like I can't even share small victories with him because even if I manage to eat loads more in a day, if it's still only a third or something of what he wants me to be eating then he'll still be angry. I really don't want us to fall out over it and I'm trying not to take my anger out on him because I know I'm angry at myself more than anything else, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with the situation at all. It felt so nice to have someone who actually cared enough to try and fix it and now I've lost even that because he CAN'T fix it. Not overnight at least. The whole thing is just totally exhausting.

I'm sorry, hope nobody actually read all that crap. I just needed to get it out somewhere and obviously can't do that with my blog now hah.

[Cinnie]

(Original post by sentiment)
I don't think I've ever truly understood before what people mean when they say how divisive this illness is and how it destroys your relationships with the people closest to you. One friend has gradually been working out how difficult I'm finding things at the moment (he has access to my blog where I document everything) and last week he found out how low my intake has been which I think shocked him. He's very interested in fitness and nutrition and he came over on Saturday night to sit down with me and try to assuage my fears about eating more. He basically told me what I should be eating and in what macros and we talked in length about how I realise that what I'm doing is destroying my body and can't go on and how it's all just really stupid. I said I'd try to act on his advice but I always knew there was going to be no way I could just suddenly go from barely touching food to eating what he suggested and I'd have to do it gradually. I really am trying but I can't pretend it's easy when I'm in physical pain from eating the smallest amount of food. It just seems like now he's come to the end of his tether about not being able to understand WHY it's so hard and he just doesn't want to know anymore. I feel hideously guilty and that's something I really don't need when I'm finding it so hard to deal with anyway. I feel like I can't even share small victories with him because even if I manage to eat loads more in a day, if it's still only a third or something of what he wants me to be eating then he'll still be angry. I really don't want us to fall out over it and I'm trying not to take my anger out on him because I know I'm angry at myself more than anything else, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with the situation at all. It felt so nice to have someone who actually cared enough to try and fix it and now I've lost even that because he CAN'T fix it. Not overnight at least. The whole thing is just totally exhausting.

I'm sorry, hope nobody actually read all that crap. I just needed to get it out somewhere and obviously can't do that with my blog now hah.

Firstly, it's a really positive thing that you know you can't continue like this. Thinking about how much more you should be eating is really daunting! It seems like it's not possible. I can tell you that it is possible. Your body will adapt. But you are right, it will be a difficult, slow process. Mini victories are what this journey is built on and no matter how small, it's still progress.

You are completely right - do it gradually and your body will adjust. I was freaking out about eating 3 big meals a day a few weeks ago. It seemed physically impossible. Now in this tiny space of time I am starting to feel actual hunger and can feel my body wanting food - I can feel it repairing itself. It will happen, you just need to step out of yourself and tell yourself that every struggle is possible and you won't be the first or last to feel it and overcome it.