I can't stop flitting between recovery and binging as my punishment/atonement for inflicting depression on Mum. She's on anti-Ds and doing CBT and, in ehr own words, 'it's all your fault'. Though she hasn't been nearly as hostile lately, it's stuck in my head (things can stick in my head for a long time) and really it doesn't matter about my 2.1 for first year, scholarship blah blah I am DESTROYING her, it's obvious in everything happening in the house. I'm just bringing misery so am destroying myself too (or at ,least hindering recovery). I'm not really sure she knows this but I'm not letting her take the blame for something which isn't her problem.
Really this isn't my fault either since I didn't actively aim to get screwed over with mental illness but hey-ho someone has to take the blame
When I do this I feel bad for not thinking about Dad but he seems to be holding it together much better than Mum (regarding me anyway, job stress is getting to him bigtime but he doesn't seem to conflate that with stress about myself). So this makes me eat too sometimes. He also says I'm not a burden and there's no need to punish myself but with everything Mum's going through I obnviously AM a huge burden aopidhiuf
Finally I feel so confused around my friends as if with them I am living a beautiful lie where this doesn't exist and we just have a laugh and mess about like old times. And I feel awful for this too because it's hard to lie to people (most guys find it hard to get emotional so it's been hard bringing things up/don#'t want to be a 'party-pooper' since it's almost always at parties I see most of them) and it's almost hypocritical that I can be easy round them/in public but a pain in the ass in the house.
Idk what to do but I'm not getting quality sleep because of stress which makes me more anxious and depressed which makes her anxious and depressed which makes me binge, get anxious and **** this cycle,
and I can't even have my walk down to work today because I just penance-binged and my stomach hurts a
I don't mean to flood with negativity but I feel I've failed them as a son an there's no poinbt trying if I've hurt her this much when I lvoe her and Dad so so much