[Motorbiker]

(Original post by Riku)
^^^ Riku, graagh why is the Anon button always on?

It's to stop people anon failing by replying in a thread where they were anon and forgetting to anon themselves.

It was a highly requested thing for admin to do so it went through in the last big update.

[Riku]

(Original post by Motorbiker)
It's to stop people anon failing by replying in a thread where they were anon and forgetting to anon themselves.

It was a highly requested thing for admin to do so it went through in the last big update.

Ah OK, thanks for the clarification

[Cinnie]

I think i've realised why i've been binging

Usually it's when i'm a little anxious about an up-and-coming event/situation. Even when they are situations that I know will work out fine (like going to play golf with a family member).. these were situations I not too long ago had to avoid because I was too exhausted to do them and would sometimes faint or collapse which was so embarrassing and worrying, and I would refuse to prepare appropriately by eating something. So now when I think about these situations, even though consciously I know i'm just about healthy enough, and am eating really well, my mind is still programmed to feel I need lots of calories to do these simple things...

I'm hoping that this will be fixed in time, and i'm really glad i've now realised this as a trigger.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Cinnie)
I think i've realised why i've been binging

Usually it's when i'm a little anxious about an up-and-coming event/situation. Even when they are situations that I know will work out fine (like going to play golf with a family member).. these were situations I not too long ago had to avoid because I was too exhausted to do them and would sometimes faint or collapse which was so embarrassing and worrying, and I would refuse to prepare appropriately by eating something. So now when I think about these situations, even though consciously I know i'm just about healthy enough, and am eating really well, my mind is still programmed to feel I need lots of calories to do these simple things...

I'm hoping that this will be fixed in time, and i'm really glad i've now realised this as a trigger.

Yay to self-insight! Anxiety about socialising bothered me for a while too. I also have habits of denying the happiness from going out and trying to block it out from binging.
Tonight it's apparently down to deep-seated distrust-love but distrust-of my parents. And it was as crazy a thought as thinking Mum hadn't put rice in the chilli...how I can loathe and feel a need for carbs at the same time I don't know. It's confusing trying to deal withj disordered eating and health anxiety at the same time, they should be opposite ends of the spectrum o_o

[Anonymous]

I just want my life back

[Anonymous]

Pissed off because if I binge I find it harder to get to sleep and if I'm tired I'm more likely to binge, running in circles!

[Anonymous]

In a really bad place.. I don't really want advice, I just need to let this out. Don't read if negative talk might be triggering to you..

Spoiler:

Show

I just had a binge. After a few days of eating healthily I thought I would reward myself, but it turned into a binge. I told myself I would just let it go, it was just this once, I would just start again tomorrow like normal and forget about it. But then I felt awful and threw up. I knew I would. It was horrible and I hate myself for doing this. I didn't enjoy any of the food I ate. I don't understand why I did it.

Part of me wants to get better but another part doesn't even care. Everything else in my life has gone completely wrong, so if I carry on down this road, at least I have that. I thought I wanted to get down to a weight that was healthy but that I was happier at but really I want to lose what I lost before and more. And I need/want to do it in less time. Right now I don't even care if I make myself ill. My life is so crap now that at least that would give me an excuse for it being so crap... then in a way it wouldn't all be my fault that everything is ****

And I've been bulimic (on and off) for such a long time now that I really don't think it will ever stop. When I started this I never, ever thought I would still be doing it 5 years later. Right now I wish that I had never gained weight again, I wish I had kept going or at least stayed underweight. Its going to be harder this time because my mum is going to be watching what I eat. And I'm getting so tired from having so few calories that its hard to exercise. I'm sorry this post is so long. In a bad place.

Sorry, rant..

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Cinnie)
I think i've realised why i've been binging

Usually it's when i'm a little anxious about an up-and-coming event/situation. Even when they are situations that I know will work out fine (like going to play golf with a family member).. these were situations I not too long ago had to avoid because I was too exhausted to do them and would sometimes faint or collapse which was so embarrassing and worrying, and I would refuse to prepare appropriately by eating something. So now when I think about these situations, even though consciously I know i'm just about healthy enough, and am eating really well, my mind is still programmed to feel I need lots of calories to do these simple things...

I'm hoping that this will be fixed in time, and i'm really glad i've now realised this as a trigger.

-hugs-. Atleast you know its a trigger, so its a step in the right direction. Tidied my wardrobe this morning, found my beret. YAY. Tried on a dress I'd bought for a party in Y9. Completely expected to throw it because last time I tried it on last year, it didnt fit - far too tight in the bewbs department, and everywhere else tbqh.

Spoiler:

Show

It now fits, and the spagetti straps that came with it are now necessary to keep it up, otherwise I've got to tit tape (for the benefit of the lads: It's essentially double sided sticky tape designed to be attached to skin/ clothing.) the hell out of it, as its so big in the bust/waist. I've no idea what to make of this. Do I keep the dress because it -atm - fits better than the one I bought for the ball a month ago, or do I chuck it, because it being so big makes it VERY obvious I've lost a lot of weight.

[ClaireyG]

If any of you are struggling with ED voice today, this is really useful. Put me in a better frame of mind anyway.

I've bookmarked it for days when I'm struggling with all those negative thoughts:

http://ht.ly/bYV5T

[Anonymous]

Psychology today have a whole host of good exercises for ED's too for anyone interested.

[Cinnie]

Cinnie's 26 day mind makeover

I hope you don't mind if I just do a lil bit of a blog at the end of each day on here. This feels like quite a familiar place to share hopefully a bit of transformation in my behaviours... something to be accountable for as until I go back to uni I don't have a support. I find typing it out really helpful as my I often edit and add things and am more likely to look over this.

Maybe a few of you guys have a behaviour/bad habit you want gone?

I've hit my healthy weight target as some of you know - yay! Unfortunately I have binged my way up to this weight, and while it was wonderful and awful, it can't continue and has become a daily habit that NEEDS to change. I need to be healthier for my future. It's difficult as i'm so bored here, trying to find a job... but i've given myself a few projects now.

Anyway my goal now is to have breakfast, lunch, optional snack, dinner, optional treat, little supper foodwise. I have a big list of options for each meal that is sensible calorie-wise, but also know the calories I should have so I can adapt it to any situation. I really really hope that this will help.

I have this goal so that I can just have a normal routine of eating!!!! It will be really hard but hopefully after a month or two it will just be routine. Hopefully I will be able to get to know my triggers and gain control over them.

Day 1 =

Spoiler:

Show

I may have to accept that I have to be really careful in situations where my meal timings are changed because this will be a trigger. If the family is having a big meal at 3-4pm I will get anxious, but I don't see this happening in the next month so this is the perfect time for me to start.

It has gone surprisingly well! No slip ups from the plan. Had a few jelly worms my sister offered me, but when i'd had a few (and enjoyed them very much - no regrets obviously) I felt the urge to just throw everything out of the window and have a big bowl of museli. However, I looked at the clock and gave myself the 20 minute rule.. and after 20 minutes I was calm again.

Another little potential moment was when my mum cooked dinner for us and it didn't go the way I wanted it. I got really anxious and was kind of enjoying the hunger, but I ate it and pushed that silly little restriction monkey out of the way and felt good. I had reminded myself that this temporary hunger-high was not worth ruining my healthy future.

Body image issues have been bad. My sister mentioned my body dismorphia and my mum told me she doesn't believe that I really think i'm fat because 'i'm too intelligent' to think that somehow. I can accept that she will never understand how it feels. The old 'you looked too thin before and now you look healthy' came out and was like a dagger through my stomach. But instead of allowing my ED to use it against me I smiled because I thought of the other people with our disorder that have explained how much it hurts them too.

So yeah. Today in traffic light terms was a green day with a few red bullets that I managed to dodge. (if that makes sense to you I love you) haha.

I am really going to enjoy my daily treat. Everything in moderation as they say!! I guess that's very dependant on your personal situation. For me, one indulgent treat a day in the evening feels acceptable, and I can pinpoint it as a potential binge and eat it when I feel calm and in control. Today it was a banoffee cereal bad - and it was gooood

Day 2 =

Spoiler:

Show

No binge! Felt one coming before going out as the old mindset of needing to prepare in some way came along, but i'd just had lunch so I reminded myself this and it went once I was out. Felt another one coming after having some of my sisters chocolate brownie as chocolate is a big trigger food, but I asked her to take it home with her when she went home and I felt really proud of myself for doing that because i'd usually want to have more once she had left.

Tomorrow will be difficult as i'm with her all day and 1) it's hard work making these decisions and eating in front of others even her and 2) The amount of time she is coming over is becoming a little imposing as I can't do my own thing. I need to stop being so isolated though. SHE TALKS FOR ENGLAND. If i'm reading my book, she'll make conversation as if i'm not doing anything. Grr. Oh and she has food issues too, and it didn't help that after the brownie she said "good job i'm going on a run tomorrow, ugh"

So yeah, can pat myself on the back for today

Day 3

Spoiler:

Show

Haven't weighed myself in 3 days! Eek! Over indulged with the sister (2 X treats rather than 1 X) but had a really healthy dinner so whatever! Had no times when I felt really triggered so hopefully am improving, yay

Day 4

Spoiler:

Show

May have challenged myself too early. Had egg on toast instead of porridge for breakfast - scared i'll have some random craving because of a new breakfast but gonna beat this!.

Let myself down last night by not stopping at one treat. Mum bought things I told her not to buy Thanks a lot mum

Day 5

Spoiler:

Show

Ruined my day already by having junk food completely randomly in between breakfast and lunch. Why did I do this? I wasn't even hungry. Now I can't have lunch and have screwed things up. I'm away for 3 days so will not be able to be so careful so maybe I was a bit anxious about that? Oh well the day isn't over and I can overcome this!

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Cinnie)
Cinnie's 26 day mind makeover

I hope you don't mind if I just do a lil bit of a blog at the end of each day on here. This feels like quite a familiar place to share hopefully a bit of transformation in my behaviours... something to be accountable for as until I go back to uni I don't have a support. I find typing it out really helpful as my I often edit and add things and am more likely to look over this.

Maybe a few of you guys have a behaviour/bad habit you want gone?

I've hit my healthy weight target as some of you know - yay! Unfortunately I have binged my way up to this weight, and while it was wonderful and awful, it can't continue and has become a daily habit that NEEDS to change. I need to be healthier for my future. It's difficult as i'm so bored here, trying to find a job... but i've given myself a few projects now.

Anyway my goal now is to have breakfast, lunch, optional snack, dinner, optional treat, little supper foodwise. I have a big list of options for each meal that is sensible calorie-wise, but also know the calories I should have so I can adapt it to any situation. I really really hope that this will help.

I have this goal so that I can just have a normal routine of eating!!!! It will be really hard but hopefully after a month or two it will just be routine. Hopefully I will be able to get to know my triggers and gain control over them.

Day 1 =

Spoiler:

Show

I may have to accept that I have to be really careful in situations where my meal timings are changed because this will be a trigger. If the family is having a big meal at 3-4pm I will get anxious, but I don't see this happening in the next month so this is the perfect time for me to start.

It has gone surprisingly well! No slip ups from the plan. Had a few jelly worms my sister offered me, but when i'd had a few (and enjoyed them very much - no regrets obviously) I felt the urge to just throw everything out of the window and have a big bowl of museli. However, I looked at the clock and gave myself the 20 minute rule.. and after 20 minutes I was calm again.

Another little potential moment was when my mum cooked dinner for us and it didn't go the way I wanted it. I got really anxious and was kind of enjoying the hunger, but I ate it and pushed that silly little restriction monkey out of the way and felt good. I had reminded myself that this temporary hunger-high was not worth ruining my healthy future.

Body image issues have been bad. My sister mentioned my body dismorphia and my mum told me she doesn't believe that I really think i'm fat because 'i'm too intelligent' to think that somehow. I can accept that she will never understand how it feels. The old 'you looked too thin before and now you look healthy' came out and was like a dagger through my stomach. But instead of allowing my ED to use it against me I smiled because I thought of the other people with our disorder that have explained how much it hurts them too.

So yeah. Today in traffic light terms was a green day with a few red bullets that I managed to dodge. (if that makes sense to you I love you) haha.

I am really going to enjoy my daily treat. Everything in moderation as they say!! I guess that's very dependant on your personal situation. For me, one indulgent treat a day in the evening feels acceptable, and I can pinpoint it as a potential binge and eat it when I feel calm and in control. Today it was a banoffee cereal bad - and it was gooood

It makes sense to me XD.

[sentiment]

(Original post by Cinnie)
Cinnie's 26 day mind makeover

I hope you don't mind if I just do a lil bit of a blog at the end of each day on here. This feels like quite a familiar place to share hopefully a bit of transformation in my behaviours... something to be accountable for as until I go back to uni I don't have a support. I find typing it out really helpful as my I often edit and add things and am more likely to look over this.

Maybe a few of you guys have a behaviour/bad habit you want gone?

I've hit my healthy weight target as some of you know - yay! Unfortunately I have binged my way up to this weight, and while it was wonderful and awful, it can't continue and has become a daily habit that NEEDS to change. I need to be healthier for my future. It's difficult as i'm so bored here, trying to find a job... but i've given myself a few projects now.

Anyway my goal now is to have breakfast, lunch, optional snack, dinner, optional treat, little supper foodwise. I have a big list of options for each meal that is sensible calorie-wise, but also know the calories I should have so I can adapt it to any situation. I really really hope that this will help.

I have this goal so that I can just have a normal routine of eating!!!! It will be really hard but hopefully after a month or two it will just be routine. Hopefully I will be able to get to know my triggers and gain control over them.

Day 1 =

Spoiler:

Show

I may have to accept that I have to be really careful in situations where my meal timings are changed because this will be a trigger. If the family is having a big meal at 3-4pm I will get anxious, but I don't see this happening in the next month so this is the perfect time for me to start.

It has gone surprisingly well! No slip ups from the plan. Had a few jelly worms my sister offered me, but when i'd had a few (and enjoyed them very much - no regrets obviously) I felt the urge to just throw everything out of the window and have a big bowl of museli. However, I looked at the clock and gave myself the 20 minute rule.. and after 20 minutes I was calm again.

Another little potential moment was when my mum cooked dinner for us and it didn't go the way I wanted it. I got really anxious and was kind of enjoying the hunger, but I ate it and pushed that silly little restriction monkey out of the way and felt good. I had reminded myself that this temporary hunger-high was not worth ruining my healthy future.

Body image issues have been bad. My sister mentioned my body dismorphia and my mum told me she doesn't believe that I really think i'm fat because 'i'm too intelligent' to think that somehow. I can accept that she will never understand how it feels. The old 'you looked too thin before and now you look healthy' came out and was like a dagger through my stomach. But instead of allowing my ED to use it against me I smiled because I thought of the other people with our disorder that have explained how much it hurts them too.

So yeah. Today in traffic light terms was a green day with a few red bullets that I managed to dodge. (if that makes sense to you I love you) haha.

I am really going to enjoy my daily treat. Everything in moderation as they say!! I guess that's very dependant on your personal situation. For me, one indulgent treat a day in the evening feels acceptable, and I can pinpoint it as a potential binge and eat it when I feel calm and in control. Today it was a banoffee cereal bad - and it was gooood

SO nice to read something so positive

[TotoMimo]

Cinnie, you and I are at the same recovery point and your EXACT anxieties and scenarios resonated with me to the point of (proud) tears, I know how difficult certain words and phrases are.

Well done sweetheart. Life is too awesome to let a disease take from you, let alone something like this where you effectively GIVE IT AWAY. XXX

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Cinnie)
Cinnie's 26 day mind makeover

I hope you don't mind if I just do a lil bit of a blog at the end of each day on here. This feels like quite a familiar place to share hopefully a bit of transformation in my behaviours... something to be accountable for as until I go back to uni I don't have a support. I find typing it out really helpful as my I often edit and add things and am more likely to look over this.

Maybe a few of you guys have a behaviour/bad habit you want gone?

I've hit my healthy weight target as some of you know - yay! Unfortunately I have binged my way up to this weight, and while it was wonderful and awful, it can't continue and has become a daily habit that NEEDS to change. I need to be healthier for my future. It's difficult as i'm so bored here, trying to find a job... but i've given myself a few projects now.

Anyway my goal now is to have breakfast, lunch, optional snack, dinner, optional treat, little supper foodwise. I have a big list of options for each meal that is sensible calorie-wise, but also know the calories I should have so I can adapt it to any situation. I really really hope that this will help.

I have this goal so that I can just have a normal routine of eating!!!! It will be really hard but hopefully after a month or two it will just be routine. Hopefully I will be able to get to know my triggers and gain control over them.

Day 1 =

Spoiler:

Show

I may have to accept that I have to be really careful in situations where my meal timings are changed because this will be a trigger. If the family is having a big meal at 3-4pm I will get anxious, but I don't see this happening in the next month so this is the perfect time for me to start.

It has gone surprisingly well! No slip ups from the plan. Had a few jelly worms my sister offered me, but when i'd had a few (and enjoyed them very much - no regrets obviously) I felt the urge to just throw everything out of the window and have a big bowl of museli. However, I looked at the clock and gave myself the 20 minute rule.. and after 20 minutes I was calm again.

Another little potential moment was when my mum cooked dinner for us and it didn't go the way I wanted it. I got really anxious and was kind of enjoying the hunger, but I ate it and pushed that silly little restriction monkey out of the way and felt good. I had reminded myself that this temporary hunger-high was not worth ruining my healthy future.

Body image issues have been bad. My sister mentioned my body dismorphia and my mum told me she doesn't believe that I really think i'm fat because 'i'm too intelligent' to think that somehow. I can accept that she will never understand how it feels. The old 'you looked too thin before and now you look healthy' came out and was like a dagger through my stomach. But instead of allowing my ED to use it against me I smiled because I thought of the other people with our disorder that have explained how much it hurts them too.

So yeah. Today in traffic light terms was a green day with a few red bullets that I managed to dodge. (if that makes sense to you I love you) haha.

I am really going to enjoy my daily treat. Everything in moderation as they say!! I guess that's very dependant on your personal situation. For me, one indulgent treat a day in the evening feels acceptable, and I can pinpoint it as a potential binge and eat it when I feel calm and in control. Today it was a banoffee cereal bad - and it was gooood

Wooooo ^_^ that is all.

[sentiment]

does anyone have any experience of trying to access treatment when they're not 'underweight enough'? i'm mentally as sick as i've ever been, my overall health relating to my eating disorder is worse than it's ever been (we're talking osteoporosis) and i have absolutely zero hope of getting better on my own, but although i've been significantly underweight in the past i'm not thin enough anymore to meet the criteria that there seem to be for anorexia. is there even any hope of a diagnosis? my first instinct would be to just lose the weight but i feel like my body can't cope with losing that much weight that fast anymore. don't want to go to the doctors and just get laughed at, and don't want to get diagnosed with something else just because i'm too fat to be an anorexic. i don't know what to do.

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by sentiment)
does anyone have any experience of trying to access treatment when they're not 'underweight enough'? i'm mentally as sick as i've ever been, my overall health relating to my eating disorder is worse than it's ever been (we're talking osteoporosis) and i have absolutely zero hope of getting better on my own, but although i've been significantly underweight in the past i'm not thin enough anymore to meet the criteria that there seem to be for anorexia. is there even any hope of a diagnosis? my first instinct would be to just lose the weight but i feel like my body can't cope with losing that much weight that fast anymore. don't want to go to the doctors and just get laughed at, and don't want to get diagnosed with something else just because i'm too fat to be an anorexic. i don't know what to do.

.

[thelovecats]

(Original post by sentiment)
does anyone have any experience of trying to access treatment when they're not 'underweight enough'? i'm mentally as sick as i've ever been, my overall health relating to my eating disorder is worse than it's ever been (we're talking osteoporosis) and i have absolutely zero hope of getting better on my own, but although i've been significantly underweight in the past i'm not thin enough anymore to meet the criteria that there seem to be for anorexia. is there even any hope of a diagnosis? my first instinct would be to just lose the weight but i feel like my body can't cope with losing that much weight that fast anymore. don't want to go to the doctors and just get laughed at, and don't want to get diagnosed with something else just because i'm too fat to be an anorexic. i don't know what to do.

what do you mean by 'not underweight enough'? do you mean a 'normal' BMI? you NEED to go to the doctors, they're there to help and not laugh at you! there is no set weight for an anorexic, they will give you the help you need! i was treated by my doctor, i also saw a councillor and an eating disorder specialist. someone else i knew was anorexic and bulimic but they werent 'underweight' but they still went to a councillor and doctor. so please go x

[Cinnie]

(Original post by sentiment)
does anyone have any experience of trying to access treatment when they're not 'underweight enough'? i'm mentally as sick as i've ever been, my overall health relating to my eating disorder is worse than it's ever been (we're talking osteoporosis) and i have absolutely zero hope of getting better on my own, but although i've been significantly underweight in the past i'm not thin enough anymore to meet the criteria that there seem to be for anorexia. is there even any hope of a diagnosis? my first instinct would be to just lose the weight but i feel like my body can't cope with losing that much weight that fast anymore. don't want to go to the doctors and just get laughed at, and don't want to get diagnosed with something else just because i'm too fat to be an anorexic. i don't know what to do.

It doesn't matter what 'label' you are - eating disorders ruin lives at any weight and an decent doctor will take it seriously. Most people don't spend their disease in any one 'type', so you can be suffering from the effects of anorexia at any weight. Don't let yourself get emaciated just to feel like you deserve treatment. This goes for me, too. I have stopped going for my checkups now I feel 'not underweight enough' but we will go, deal?

The doctor WILL NOT laugh at you, especially when you explain your history and all of your problems. You have osteoperosis!! That in itself is something the doctor will recognise and want to treat. Ask for referral to a dietician and eating disorder support specialists and he should do so. Please please don't wait around wanting to get better but physically deteriorating.



Edit: Oh and just to add. When I got diagnosed, he did not talk about it in terms of anorexia, he talked about it in terms of an eating disorder. It confused me at first but now I look back on it... I knew that he knew not to put me under any sort of specific label, because at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Hi there,
I posted this thread http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show....php?t=2050067 in the relationship forum - it's about when I should tell my boyfriend that I was bulimic - I was hoping that maybe some of you guys would have some advice for me seeing as you may have experience with this?
Even though I've started recovering on my own, I'm still so scared about telling him. It's something that I've always kept secret from absolutely everybody I know, but I feel as though I should maybe tell him soon. So if anybody doesn't mind giving any advice they may have, I will be so so grateful