[Anonymous]

(Original post by jazzykinks)
For the first time in a long time, I did something stupid. I was crying so much last night because of problems with my boyfriend's family. I skipped dinner. I skipped dinner. What the f***? I just felt so sick from all of the crying that I couldn't bring myself to eat. Instead, I hit the vodka. Today I didn't manage a lot of what is my normal breakfast. I'm scared. I refuse to take this out on my food. At the end of the day, my boyfriend fell in love with me partially because of the way I look -- healthy, not a bone. I don't want to be like that again. The thing is, I don't know how to cope. I've had an alcohol problem before and I'm scared of hitting the bottle. It seems that every time something goes t*ts up in my face, I turn to some sort of addiction.

I really want to self-harm.

The only thing keeping me sane right now is my mum. x

Jazzy, you CAN get through this. You don't have to blame yourself. What happened with your boyfriend's family isn't your problem. You can be there for him but you are not accountable for it!
Nor do you have to blame yourself for doing what still seems the natural response to trauma. Life is a learning process, and you've learned that behaviours help you cope during hard times, but you've also learned that there are other, much better ways to cope. Forgive yourself for turning back to the ED and considering drinking, let yourself move on, and see how you could react differently next time.
Yes, your boyfriend will certainly prefer you to look healthy, alive and full of energy-but I'm sure he fell in love with you for being an amazing, genuine and kind person far more than he did your looks. Always remember that.

[jazzykinks]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Jazzy, you CAN get through this. You don't have to blame yourself. What happened with your boyfriend's family isn't your problem. You can be there for him but you are not accountable for it!
Nor do you have to blame yourself for doing what still seems the natural response to trauma. Life is a learning process, and you've learned that behaviours help you cope during hard times, but you've also learned that there are other, much better ways to cope. Forgive yourself for turning back to the ED and considering drinking, let yourself move on, and see how you could react differently next time.
Yes, your boyfriend will certainly prefer you to look healthy, alive and full of energy-but I'm sure he fell in love with you for being an amazing, genuine and kind person far more than he did your looks. Always remember that.

Thanks the problem is with me; they don't approve of me. The thing is that they've found me 'guilty' and hung me without actually knowing me and it is partially his fault.

Now it's just turned into anger, really. It's when I'm sad that there's a problem and I resort to old habits. I was just so disappointed that I couldn't eat properly. I guess it was just a way to cope with the shock and sadness, but it's not going to happen again.

Thank you again xxx

[Anonymous]

So essentially I can't continue my uni course (Medicine) at the moment due to the ED. I have at least a year off - at the moment I do not know if I will be allowed to continue my course at all, this depends on the psychiatrist assessment and ultimately the decision of the medical school as to whether I am "fit to practice" as a doctor.

I would really appreciate your thoughts/advice on my situation.

HOUSING

I am staying on my boyfriend's boat in London. (We've been together nearly 3 years) My parents live nearby but due to 10 years of ED we have a very strained relationship and living there is impossible. In the past (mainly when I was 15/16 and the ED was extremely severe) I have been kicked out, made to sleep outside (& therefore urinate etc in the garden), hit, pushed down the stairs, hair pulled hard, been hit, been physically pushed out of the house, severe emotional abuse (e.g. mother telling me to kill myself, threats) etc. Things are slightly better now, but can turn nasty quickly. I am able to visit for a few days occasionally but usually have to leave as things get difficult.

The boat is VERY small and I'm not being fussy here - I've lived in small rooms in student halls and had no complaints, but it is very difficult to live here. To use the toilet/shower I have to go outside to a shared shower block. I am coping at the moment as it's not too cold right now, however I am very worried about where to live in winter because the boat gets VERY cold & damp in winter and the heating is insufficient. Also having to go outside to shower/toilet in very cold temperatures/snow every day will be hellish. I also feel the cold very easily due to ED.

RELATIONSHIP WITH BOYFRIEND

Another issue is the strain of the ED on my relationship. My BF feels as thought he is my carer and despite me reminding him that I am an adult and he has no legal obligation to care for me, he feels like my carer and tells me he is beginning to be unable to cope with my ED & mental health issues. I am trying my best to make things easier for him, but I don't really know what to do and we seem to be unable to make progress in our discussions.

BF tells me I am not taking responsibility for my problems and can't cope with me especially recently as in the past few weeks I have had severe depression, anxiety, panic, constant suicidal thoughts mainly because I feel my life is falling apart and I am scared I will be kicked out of medical school and that there is no hope.

He tells me I have become abnormally withdrawn and trapped on the boat/agoraphobic. In the past month I have left the marina to go to weekly therapy, weekly ED support group, supermarket, GP appointment, blood test, 1 x a friend after a lot of encouragement. I have tried to do the bare minimum I felt I had to do. I have spent a lot of time sleeping, crying and b/ping and couldn't face seeing other people, friends and wasn't able to reply to texts or emails for weeks. I wasn't able to return the consent form for the psychiatrist for over a month. I used to run 4x per week but haven't run or exercised in over a month. This all upsets my BF greatly.

He tells me he can't have a long term relationship with me if this goes on indefinitely. I agree it would be unfair on him so I would like to make things better.

Due to the strain on our relationship I may not be able to live on the boat for much longer. BF is suggesting I find a place of my own. Where the hell do I live?

HEALTH

I'm awaiting an NHS referral for the ED. I'm seeing a private therapist weekly and attending a support group weekly.

I have severe bulimia, currently bordering on anorexia bp subtype, depression, anxiety, recurrent suicidal thoughts, hypothryoidism and very abnormal sleeping patterns - I just get exhausted and sleep far more than a normal person would and this means I have little time for daily activities. Sometimes I get hypokalaemia from vomiting a lot and this has landed me being very unwell and in A&E in the past. I am having regular blood tests to check my thyroid levels and also my electrolytes. My regular medications are fluoxetine (prozac) and thyroxin.

I spoke to my GP (based in my uni town in Scotland) and she asked about where I was living now, how I was, what's happening with med school etc. She then said I should sign on/get benefits and go to the job centre. I said I don't understand what that is, I've never claimed benefits or been to the job centre. She said I need to go to the job centre, tell them I can't work due to health problems and she can write me a letter.

I now realise that part of the ED is delusions. Especially self delusion that the ED is not serious, that I am not really ill, that is is self inflicted etc. The fact that my doctor has suggested I claim benefits for sickness and offered to write me a letter suggests to me that I am considered to be fairly ill. Also that I'm not allowed to continue my course, failed lots of uni exams, am 2 years behind at uni and facing a psychiatric assessment. It sounds stupid that even after all this, I still find it hard to consider myself an 'ill person' or deserving of help in terms of benefits.

WORK/MONEY

I had a on/off job in a hospital but I haven't worked for some time as I've been having a crisis and trying to work on recovery.

My boyfriend thinks I need to become independent and 'grow up' and thinks I should get a job, any job e.g. working in a bar and rent somewhere myself. He says part of recovery is growing up and becoming independent. He says working will help my recovery.

At the moment, I am finding it hard to cope with therapy/trying to engage with recovery, attend medical appointments, deal with the university and do the minimum basic things in life e.g. pay credit card bills, reply to emails/texts, online shopping. I am not coping with the day to day administrative tasks in life. I find the prospect of facing my friends very scary and am not able to maintain contact and friendships properly. The idea of working in a bar sounds very stressful and I don't know if I would be able to hold down a job in my current state. I don't even want to go to a bar in my free time right now.

He says I need to build my own life in London and I can see he has a point, but I'm not coping at the moment and everything feels like too much. We argue about this a lot and he thinks I am just being stubborn and not taking responsibility. I probably am stubborn, but I am trying to do some of the basics in life e.g. medical appointments, but coping with additional things is not going well right now. I would love to be normal and do all the things a normal person would, have a job, socialise, see my friends, go out at night from time to time, meet new people, hobbies, exercise etc but I don't think this will happen overnight.

I know this is very long, but any thoughts would be much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

MORE ON MONEY/FINANCIAL

When I was a student I was getting a student loan based on my parental income, despite no support from parents due to the difficult relationship.

Also I never claimed any benefits/grants for 'disability' as I never considered myself to be disabled, however after what my GP said I have wondered if there is anything I might be able to apply for now and in the future if I go back to being a student at uni.

Currently my BF pays the rent for the boat, bills and some food. He occasionally helps me with travel costs.

[Antiaris]

Spoiler:

Show

(Original post by Anonymous)
So essentially I can't continue my uni course (Medicine) at the moment due to the ED. I have at least a year off - at the moment I do not know if I will be allowed to continue my course at all, this depends on the psychiatrist assessment and ultimately the decision of the medical school as to whether I am "fit to practice" as a doctor.

I would really appreciate your thoughts/advice on my situation.

HOUSING

I am staying on my boyfriend's boat in London. (We've been together nearly 3 years) My parents live nearby but due to 10 years of ED we have a very strained relationship and living there is impossible. In the past (mainly when I was 15/16 and the ED was extremely severe) I have been kicked out, made to sleep outside (& therefore urinate etc in the garden), hit, pushed down the stairs, hair pulled hard, been hit, been physically pushed out of the house, severe emotional abuse (e.g. mother telling me to kill myself, threats) etc. Things are slightly better now, but can turn nasty quickly. I am able to visit for a few days occasionally but usually have to leave as things get difficult.

The boat is VERY small and I'm not being fussy here - I've lived in small rooms in student halls and had no complaints, but it is very difficult to live here. To use the toilet/shower I have to go outside to a shared shower block. I am coping at the moment as it's not too cold right now, however I am very worried about where to live in winter because the boat gets VERY cold & damp in winter and the heating is insufficient. Also having to go outside to shower/toilet in very cold temperatures/snow every day will be hellish. I also feel the cold very easily due to ED.

RELATIONSHIP WITH BOYFRIEND

Another issue is the strain of the ED on my relationship. My BF feels as thought he is my carer and despite me reminding him that I am an adult and he has no legal obligation to care for me, he feels like my carer and tells me he is beginning to be unable to cope with my ED & mental health issues. I am trying my best to make things easier for him, but I don't really know what to do and we seem to be unable to make progress in our discussions.

BF tells me I am not taking responsibility for my problems and can't cope with me especially recently as in the past few weeks I have had severe depression, anxiety, panic, constant suicidal thoughts mainly because I feel my life is falling apart and I am scared I will be kicked out of medical school and that there is no hope.

He tells me I have become abnormally withdrawn and trapped on the boat/agoraphobic. In the past month I have left the marina to go to weekly therapy, weekly ED support group, supermarket, GP appointment, blood test, 1 x a friend after a lot of encouragement. I have tried to do the bare minimum I felt I had to do. I have spent a lot of time sleeping, crying and b/ping and couldn't face seeing other people, friends and wasn't able to reply to texts or emails for weeks. I wasn't able to return the consent form for the psychiatrist for over a month. I used to run 4x per week but haven't run or exercised in over a month. This all upsets my BF greatly.

He tells me he can't have a long term relationship with me if this goes on indefinitely. I agree it would be unfair on him so I would like to make things better.

Due to the strain on our relationship I may not be able to live on the boat for much longer. BF is suggesting I find a place of my own. Where the hell do I live?

HEALTH

I'm awaiting an NHS referral for the ED. I'm seeing a private therapist weekly and attending a support group weekly.

I have severe bulimia, currently bordering on anorexia bp subtype, depression, anxiety, recurrent suicidal thoughts, hypothryoidism and very abnormal sleeping patterns - I just get exhausted and sleep far more than a normal person would and this means I have little time for daily activities. Sometimes I get hypokalaemia from vomiting a lot and this has landed me being very unwell and in A&E in the past. I am having regular blood tests to check my thyroid levels and also my electrolytes. My regular medications are fluoxetine (prozac) and thyroxin.

I spoke to my GP (based in my uni town in Scotland) and she asked about where I was living now, how I was, what's happening with med school etc. She then said I should sign on/get benefits and go to the job centre. I said I don't understand what that is, I've never claimed benefits or been to the job centre. She said I need to go to the job centre, tell them I can't work due to health problems and she can write me a letter.

I now realise that part of the ED is delusions. Especially self delusion that the ED is not serious, that I am not really ill, that is is self inflicted etc. The fact that my doctor has suggested I claim benefits for sickness and offered to write me a letter suggests to me that I am considered to be fairly ill. Also that I'm not allowed to continue my course, failed lots of uni exams, am 2 years behind at uni and facing a psychiatric assessment. It sounds stupid that even after all this, I still find it hard to consider myself an 'ill person' or deserving of help in terms of benefits.

WORK/MONEY

I had a on/off job in a hospital but I haven't worked for some time as I've been having a crisis and trying to work on recovery.

My boyfriend thinks I need to become independent and 'grow up' and thinks I should get a job, any job e.g. working in a bar and rent somewhere myself. He says part of recovery is growing up and becoming independent. He says working will help my recovery.

At the moment, I am finding it hard to cope with therapy/trying to engage with recovery, attend medical appointments, deal with the university and do the minimum basic things in life e.g. pay credit card bills, reply to emails/texts, online shopping. I am not coping with the day to day administrative tasks in life. I find the prospect of facing my friends very scary and am not able to maintain contact and friendships properly. The idea of working in a bar sounds very stressful and I don't know if I would be able to hold down a job in my current state. I don't even want to go to a bar in my free time right now.

He says I need to build my own life in London and I can see he has a point, but I'm not coping at the moment and everything feels like too much. We argue about this a lot and he thinks I am just being stubborn and not taking responsibility. I probably am stubborn, but I am trying to do some of the basics in life e.g. medical appointments, but coping with additional things is not going well right now. I would love to be normal and do all the things a normal person would, have a job, socialise, see my friends, go out at night from time to time, meet new people, hobbies, exercise etc but I don't think this will happen overnight.

I know this is very long, but any thoughts would be much appreciated.

(Original post by Anonymous)
MORE ON MONEY/FINANCIAL

When I was a student I was getting a student loan based on my parental income, despite no support from parents due to the difficult relationship.

Also I never claimed any benefits/grants for 'disability' as I never considered myself to be disabled, however after what my GP said I have wondered if there is anything I might be able to apply for now and in the future if I go back to being a student at uni.

Currently my BF pays the rent for the boat, bills and some food. He occasionally helps me with travel costs.

First off get this letter from the GP, it's important.

Next go to citizens advice. They will tell you how to get the benefits you need. They will walk you through the jobseekers melarky and all.

Carry on going to therapy. Seriously girl, you need it. You know you need to recover, push yourself to do so. Skip it like a stone across a river, don't let it drop.

"K, I didn't purge this meal! Yay!"
"Didn't purge the last meal, would be a bad to purge this one!"
"Going good, recovery in sight! Haven't purged two meals in a row and a third on it's way!"
...
"3 MONTHS CLEAN!"

Grab that feeling of accomplishment and nourish it. Hold it close. That is what recovery is about, overriding the negative emotions with the positives.

It doesn't sound like you can manage that boat for much longer, or at least that is what you are saying. Look for maybe some temporary accommodation at least. Maybe a friends? When recovered go back to your course if it is still the thing you want to do.

Don't retreat. It will make coming back from it all oh so much harder. Don't go drinking as that would absolutely destroy your emaciated frame. Find some hobby classes, go for a coffee with friends. Anything to keep you alive in the eyes of the world.

The wake up call is being diagnosed with a mental disorder with the highest mortality rate. You HAVE to recover.

You are feeling tired constantly due to malnourishment, so no amount of emotional talking will help, all I can do it urge you to eat. **** getting fat, that isn't even a consideration in these circumstances. What you need to do it get better. I know fat isn't 'it', but it's accepting things.

Does your province have 'mindfulness' groups? Ask your GP to be referred.

I wish I could offer advice about the parents, I really do, but recovery is going to have to come first. Try family therapy if you feel there are things needed to be said, in a safe environment, but a cooling down period whilst you recover sounds ideal.

Much love,
A

[Riku]

I've a tricky-ish question.
How do you all keep positive in the face of something so terrifying? Knowing each day could be your last?
I could do it before when it was really a health anxiety, but now whether from these messed-up sleeping patterns or binging or whatever, I can tell my habits are having a real impact on my health. Like it or not, I have to accept that and account for it. And it's putting me down despite lots of good good things going on (being able to go out socialising every single night again is pretty cool, and I'm heading the MCM Expo tomorrow )
I've been trying YOLO as much as possible by going out no matter how I feel and it is great, at the time. But I have just burned the candle at both ends and I was dead before going to town yesterday. It's hit a point where I'm really labouring my breathing in simple tasks. Rather than just being tense and tired from holding my breath in as a result of anxiety, it is very, very hard to breathe in. And I've had twangs in my chest and the like. Maybe it's me panicking, maybe I don't have long left. The fear of death is getting tested to its limits, waiting around every corner, but I'm not sure this is the best way to test it.
This isn't good. I have not felt so weak in my body in quite a while (yet so mentally strong. Not in an ED way, since I've been eating fairly well for the last few days; just in the resilience in attitude against being so physically drained).
I'm trying to correct it by going for an early night (if it is just needing sleep, like it was in the past) Problem is I've been getting called out pretty much every time and if I ever say no, I'm guilt-tripped by my mother on letting the anxiety win. So I haven't, since I don't know which of us is right and I still want to see my friends, it's just the current state of my health makes me question whether that's wise to do. But I can't carry on like this forever because it's undoing my weight gain and it's just...not...nice things being this physically straining. Not nice at all.
And I know we all have to deal with a certain amount of stress (as I'm so constantly reminded when I complain of feeling tired all the time), but breathing difficulties and chest pains? I'm sure these aren't standard stresses for the healthy population
Course to just go back to being a hermit and never seeing my friends seems stupid too. The balance is difficult to strike.
I'm confused. Could it mean anything?

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Riku)
I've a tricky-ish question.
How do you all keep positive in the face of something so terrifying? Knowing each day could be your last?
I could do it before when it was really a health anxiety, but now whether from these messed-up sleeping patterns or binging or whatever, I can tell my habits are having a real impact on my health. Like it or not, I have to accept that and account for it. And it's putting me down despite lots of good good things going on (being able to go out socialising every single night again is pretty cool, and I'm heading the MCM Expo tomorrow )
I've been trying YOLO as much as possible by going out no matter how I feel and it is great, at the time. But I have just burned the candle at both ends and I was dead before going to town yesterday. It's hit a point where I'm really labouring my breathing in simple tasks. Rather than just being tense and tired from holding my breath in as a result of anxiety, it is very, very hard to breathe in. And I've had twangs in my chest and the like. Maybe it's me panicking, maybe I don't have long left. The fear of death is getting tested to its limits, waiting around every corner, but I'm not sure this is the best way to test it.
This isn't good. I have not felt so weak in my body in quite a while (yet so mentally strong. Not in an ED way, since I've been eating fairly well for the last few days; just in the resilience in attitude against being so physically drained).
I'm trying to correct it by going for an early night (if it is just needing sleep, like it was in the past) Problem is I've been getting called out pretty much every time and if I ever say no, I'm guilt-tripped by my mother on letting the anxiety win. So I haven't, since I don't know which of us is right and I still want to see my friends, it's just the current state of my health makes me question whether that's wise to do. But I can't carry on like this forever because it's undoing my weight gain and it's just...not...nice things being this physically straining. Not nice at all.
And I know we all have to deal with a certain amount of stress (as I'm so constantly reminded when I complain of feeling tired all the time), but breathing difficulties and chest pains? I'm sure these aren't standard stresses for the healthy population
Course to just go back to being a hermit and never seeing my friends seems stupid too. The balance is difficult to strike.
I'm confused. Could it mean anything?

The difficulty breathing and thought/feeling I'm going to die, I get that with panic attacks. You might just need a good nights sleep if you've been out every night?

[TotoMimo]

remember how resilient the gums being is. There have been full studies into why the gums being can appear to die and revive when in similar situations other species succumb. My guess is that our heightened intelligence leads to a set of subconscious debate; when the body proposes giving up, a deer or mouse may accept, but a human will reason.

[TotoMimo]

The above post autocorrected "human" to "gums", inexplicably.

To other sufferers of compulsion-based eating disorders, in the early stages of wanting to recover, try these two steps. When you realise your "dieting" or"habits" become a helpless routine, almost chore-like, your eating disorder is a reality and developed. When you recognise this point, and wish to change, but FEAR that change...

ANOREXIC'S DAY OFF.

In the same way a smoker or drinker needs to learn there is no REAL dependance on the ED, take a "day off". Part of the fear is a permanent change, but by trying this you get to experience one day every week living as normal, but with the luxury of knowing tomorrow you can return to your "safe" routine.

It's appropriate allegedly God even needed a day of rest after building the world; I suppose the least you can do is take the same to enjoy the real one.

[Cinnie]

Riku being out every night is a lot by anyones standards. Personally I would give myself a break. You are genuinely tired from being out so much, it seems totally normal to me.

------

Been struggling lately. Sugar is a real problem for me, as well as change in routine. If a change in routine means i'm not hungry when I should be I just get all confused and stupid and often end up eating more than normal anyway because it's all junk!? So stupid

Also, with the sun coming out, i'm routing through my clothes to find something to wear. The last time it was hot, I was wearing belts with all my size 8's and 6's. Now I find my 8's uncomfortable and feel horrible in everything. I know that at 5ft8 and with decent hips I should be enjoying size 10's but buying them is such a psychological hurdle for me that it's actually triggered some pretty awful self loathing that I can't seem to shake off.

I know I can't go back to that size if I don't want to risk being totally infertile, and that's the main thing pushing me not to relapse.

[Anonymous]

Same, I've been so good recently which confuses me why I went on a crazy bender last night/this morning. It's not like i was obsessing that much about my binge foods. Anyways, after these crappy situations, I keep saying to myself, "just dust yourself and try again but that's not any good in my opinion". It just sort of creates that false self validating shield which just leads me going down the same route again.

Anyhow, I'm hopeful for us bed/bulimiacs. Apparently there's new research out there showing that the neurons in your brain are able to re-wire themselves (term called neuroplasticity). Therefore, if you stop giving into the binge urges, the neurons responsible for these urges stop firing and die.

[Anonymous]

And I'm really overwhelmed at the moment. I'm meant to be having leaving drinks at the weekend but I'm too scared to go off my diet. Plus, I suffer from the munchies badly whenever I'm blootered !

[Riku]

I was getting fascinated by the power of this gums! :P haha, we humans are strangely stubborn creatures. It's a miracle, really.

Cinnie and Anon, watch out for your choice of words. 'I should' is such a demanding statement that chains us to follow one way without consideration for a better alternative, while thinking of things in terms of 'being good' and 'bad' is setting yourself up to fail. It's already been shown that humans defy the logic of even life and death; what makes you think we're not all prone to human error, and that's what makes us so unique and wonderful? Things are rarely as black-and-white as they seem, and the only way to realise that is to risk the change. x

____
Boundaries are getting pushed immensely, physically and emotionally. One whole week without the gym and instead I've had my first assessment with Adult MH, seen Dad, gone to watch Dark Knight (and miss it-stupid projector broken down grrr, free compensatory iMax tickets though! ), been to the Manchester MCM Expo comic-con and to see Twelfth Night in the park on top. Plus I've made new friends including one who works in the music industry and can get a gig for a friend's band which is beyond lucky.
Today I have the choice between 'giving in' and going for a work-out, and going to the beach. God this is exhausting but amazing!
I don't know whether this is a day in the life of a normal person or I am blessed with a thousand awesome opportunities and just really scared to do them in case I get fat.

...and I'm choosing the beach. I feel like crying.
I'm hideously aware how crap my diet has been from all this plus clubbing twice/pub-crawl yesterday and can't tell whether I'm genuinely out of shape or just getting anxious but not knowing is driving me crazy.

Spoiler:

Show

To make things worse I panicked and weighed myself yesterday and I'm now...12st 2lbs 0_0 still only 31-32' on jeans but aaargh I dread to think what my bf% is or if it's loads of visceral fat underneath pr something

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Cinnie)
Riku being out every night is a lot by anyones standards. Personally I would give myself a break. You are genuinely tired from being out so much, it seems totally normal to me.

------

Been struggling lately. Sugar is a real problem for me, as well as change in routine. If a change in routine means i'm not hungry when I should be I just get all confused and stupid and often end up eating more than normal anyway because it's all junk!? So stupid

Also, with the sun coming out, i'm routing through my clothes to find something to wear. The last time it was hot, I was wearing belts with all my size 8's and 6's. Now I find my 8's uncomfortable and feel horrible in everything. I know that at 5ft8 and with decent hips I should be enjoying size 10's but buying them is such a psychological hurdle for me that it's actually triggered some pretty awful self loathing that I can't seem to shake off.

I know I can't go back to that size if I don't want to risk being totally infertile, and that's the main thing pushing me not to relapse.

-squish.- I hate it being so hot, I end up with no appetite because all i want to do is drink water. Sisters seen what I've had at lunch, 'God, you've not got much, all you've got is some cucumber and some ham and some other stuff.' I don't comment on what she's got, so shes got no right to comment on mine.

[jazzykinks]

(Original post by .snowflake.)
-squish.- I hate it being so hot, I end up with no appetite because all i want to do is drink water. Sisters seen what I've had at lunch, 'God, you've not got much, all you've got is some cucumber and some ham and some other stuff.' I don't comment on what she's got, so shes got no right to comment on mine.

I always hated that. It was always like that at home. *hug* Just stay strong. The heat does affect appetite. All you can do is try and block it out or say exactly what you just wrote back to your sister! x

[TotoMimo]

Another thing that's difficult to accurately define is where your bodily impulses start and begin and where the ED is calling the shots. Your tongue starts to betray you as it works for the ED.

"I don't even like butter."

No, you DO. The ED hates it though.

"I can't eat when im stressed/too cold/on a train" etc, etc.; sometimes if you stop and listen you notice your ED speaking for you, as you peer around you, scowling at others managing no bother; the hilarious and simultaneously terrifying thing is, like I said, your ED convinces you your gang of five pals are totally wrong eating their Greggs jam doughnuts as you indulge in half an apple...

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by TotoMimo)
Another thing that's difficult to accurately define is where your bodily impulses start and begin and where the ED is calling the shots. Your tongue starts to betray you as it works for the ED.

"I don't even like butter."

No, you DO. The ED hates it though.

"I can't eat when im stressed/too cold/on a train" etc, etc.; sometimes if you stop and listen you notice your ED speaking for you, as you peer around you, scowling at others managing no bother; the hilarious and simultaneously terrifying thing is, like I said, your ED convinces you your gang of five pals are totally wrong eating their Greggs jam doughnuts as you indulge in half an apple...

butter is amazing. Only ever have it (sometimes) at Christmas, as its never in the house otherwise. Went slightly mad with it whilst in Berlin last year.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone.

I've recently been wondering whether or not I have an eating disorder and would appreciate someone else's opinion on my situation. Frankly, I can't tell any more.

Well I'm 19 now and I've hated the way I look probably since the beginning of secondary school and I've always had a bad attitude towards food. I was a "fussy eater" as a kid which led to lots of arguements with my parents. I turned vegetarian when I was about 14 but never really ate meat before that which frustrated my parents no end.

Even though I have always been around a size 8 or 10, I have always seen myself as the "fat one" in my circle of friends. They always looked so nice, they had all the right clothes, they were popular, had boyfriends etc. They just had better figures, I just felt horrible in comparison.

To make matters worse, I was messed around and treated badly by a couple of guys during my teenage years. I used to hang around with people a couple of years above me and we all used to hang out together. I ended up meeting a mutual friend of theirs, a guy from another school who was older than me, at a party. He said he really liked me and asked for my number and we started chatting and texting a lot. He said he wanted to ask me out and me being a 14 year old, I was ecstatic that a cute older boy wanted to ask me out. He told me he wanted to do it in person, the best way, so arranged to meet me. He never showed up, and messaged me to say that he'd decided to ask out someone else he liked more. From then on, I felt totally inadequate. I was pretty down for a long time after that, it just fuelled the self-loathing and I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone. About a year later, I started making my own friends in my classes and things looked a little better. I got a "boyfriend" but I'm reluctant to call him that. He didn't really know how to be in a relationship, he wasn't loving or caring, he never complimented me, he was just a bit clueless. I don't think it was malicious, just him being out of his depth. Unsurprisingly, that relationship broke down and a week later he started going out with someone else, of course she was thinner, smarter, prettier.

Finally, about 3 years ago, I met my (recently) ex-boyfriend. He knew I had painfully low self-esteem and had been one of my closest friends. I used to call him up in tears asking what I should do about my previous relationship as I was sick of feeling unwanted. When that relationship ended, he asked me out and I was over the moon. I'd had a crush on this guy before but dismissed it as he'd been in a long-term relationship at the time. He told me he'd always liked me and things worked between us straight away.

I think I was in love with him. (I say I think because apparently you never know what love is until you meet the right person, and since he wasn't the right person I can only hope there's someone better for me out there.) Over the course of our relationship, I managed to get more comfortable with things that had plagued me before. I generally feel uncomfortable eating in front of new people. It's always struck me as a kind of gross thing that I can't imagine is very pretty, so I'm quite selective about who I allow to see me eat. I felt like I could completely be myself around him, I could eat what I wanted without him counting the calories, I could wear hideous slouchy clothes to chill out. He was the first person to see me undressed and although it bothered me immensely to start with, it all became totally natural. He still knew I was painfully insecure and he would compliment me a lot, he'd tell me how beautiful I was and how I wasn't huge as I imagined I was and that he thought I looked great, and I stupidly believed him. Having tried to control my calorie intake previously, I forgot about it. I figured it didn't matter because I was only trying to impress him and he liked me how I was.

Unfortunately, it was all a lie. A couple of months ago I found out he cheated on me with one of his new flatmates at uni and he dumped me, three years of relationship ended over the phone. She'd always made me feel inferior, she was skinny with big boobs and pretty and smart. I told him she made me feel uncomfortable and he would always say that he'd never go near her and she wasn't his type. I also found out just before we broke up that he wanted me to be bigger. He said he would have been more attracted to me if I was fat. I remember crying for hours because this guy wanted me to be the very thing I was terrified of being and I didn't know what to do.

Since we broke up, my eating habits have been all over the place. If given an excuse not to eat, I won't eat. I was told for medical reasons I could only have clear liquids for a couple of days. I carried it on for as long as I could, before I cracked and ate some rice cakes or something equally unsubstantial. I always try and find ways around eating. I used to work full-time, instead of lunch I would drink fruit juice and occasionally some nuts or something if I needed to feel I was eating something solid. When I get really upset, I've always had a tendency to binge eat junk food, then of course I feel depressed because I look in the mirror and think I'm fat. I just feel like I can't win.

I recently asked some of my male friends what they thought about different types of girls and their figures, including my own. One of them called me up on my habits. He said "you always refer to yourself as fat or doughy, but you're not and I don't understand it, you're tiny." I think I've gotten to a place where my opinion of myself is so warped that I don't know what I look like any more. I think if someone presented me with a line of people of different sizes, I don't believe I'd be able to place myself accurately in that line. I see girls who are the exact same dress size as me and I think that they look thin and that I look fat, even in the same outfits. I've started exercising as much as I can bear, including running which I have always hated. I'll push myself until I can't take any more because I feel like I've got to lose the weight. I never eat breakfast, I rarely eat lunch and I'm frequently out at dinner time and miss that too.

Since my ex dumped me, I only seem to attract attention from guys after one night stands. I can't seem to find anyone who wants a relationship with me, which in a way is fine. I know I don't need a relationship to be happy, I'm definitely happy with my own company. But I just feel like I'm not good enough. I wasn't good enough for any of the guys in my past, even my ex who I thought loved me more than anything. I wonder if I was skinnier, would it have made a difference. If I wasn't the fat, unattractive one, would they have wanted to be with me, would my ex have stayed? (Probably not, given he always wanted me to even fatter, hence told me I was fine the way I am.)

I'm sorry this is so long. I suppose telling my "story" is pretty liberating as I haven't really talked to anyone about it before. I feel silly because I don't know if this is an eating disorder or just me being a stupid girl. Any insight would be really helpful, I don't know what to do and at the moment, I don't think I'll be happy until I can see my ribs and I know that's not healthy. Thanks guys.

[Anonymous]

I cant stop eating, its great I love just stuffing myself and then throwing it all back up, I mean really this is what my life has become and this is all my life is now so why dont I just ****ing embrace it, its a part of me and its started to creep into my work life, made myself sick at work this afternoon, first time I've ever done that. Its obviously going to become an every day thing, a 'norm' in my life so I give up, I ****ING GIVE UP, WHATEVER THIS 'ILLNESS' IS, WHOEVER THE VOICE IN MY HEAD IS THAT I CANT GET AWAY FROM, THIS IS FOR YOU!!!! YOU ****ING WIN OKAY??? YOU ****ING WIN.

[Anonymous]

It's 10 times harder to eat when it's this hot. Bleh. Plus I feel sick and miserable all the time right now My appetite has just vanished, and it's not even intentional.