[Riku]

Well my mum's come back from her holiday still seeming pretty broken, her depression's really got to ehr because she had a car crash the other day and I can't help but feel this is my fault because she has her worries and then she's got this **** to deal with too :/ I'm really concerned for her now.
All the same it annoys me when my loved ones seem to do this incredibly forced, exaggerated laughter and interest at my jokes and when I talk to them. Yeah I'm quite aware my sense of humour and ability to communicate face-to-face, one-on-one with people has greatly diminished since becoming ill, I'm working on that, but you don't have to lie to me. If I'm not funny just. don't. laugh!

Also feels like everyone's talking about food loads to me when I ask what they've been up to. Not in a 'are you gonna eat' way, more like 'I went to the chippy and bought...' or 'checked out this new restaurant in town' etc. Maybe trying to normalise it in my eyes? Who knows. I'm not even thinking about food that much anymore, until the urge for a behaviour comes in-which is getting rarer, and so it's more annoying when so much emphasis is placed on that.
I don't know how to react. They're reminding me of my problem by manufacturing its absence, and yet that's the only way they will react if they feel anything about it.
Could be yet more paranoid thoughts, I am genuinely tired.

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Riku)
Well my mum's come back from her holiday still seeming pretty broken, her depression's really got to ehr because she had a car crash the other day and I can't help but feel this is my fault because she has her worries and then she's got this **** to deal with too :/ I'm really concerned for her now.
All the same it annoys me when my loved ones seem to do this incredibly forced, exaggerated laughter and interest at my jokes and when I talk to them. Yeah I'm quite aware my sense of humour and ability to communicate face-to-face, one-on-one with people has greatly diminished since becoming ill, I'm working on that, but you don't have to lie to me. If I'm not funny just. don't. laugh!

Also feels like everyone's talking about food loads to me when I ask what they've been up to. Not in a 'are you gonna eat' way, more like 'I went to the chippy and bought...' or 'checked out this new restaurant in town' etc. Maybe trying to normalise it in my eyes? Who knows. I'm not even thinking about food that much anymore, until the urge for a behaviour comes in-which is getting rarer, and so it's more annoying when so much emphasis is placed on that.
I don't know how to react. They're reminding me of my problem by manufacturing its absence, and yet that's the only way they will react if they feel anything about it.
Could be yet more paranoid thoughts, I am genuinely tired.

-hugging- You're not the only one whos having a bad time ofit atm.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

This is my first post on this thread because it has taken me so long to realise I have a problem.. I am now fed up with the way I think, with what I eat and how guilty it makes me feel.

My obsession with my looks and weight has been something that has bothered me since an early age, but it only got worse once I started college. During the academic year I struggled to maintain my weight and I noticed I had put on a few pounds during exam season. This was the apparent breaking point so as soon as my exams had finished, I embarked on a strict diet.

Breakfast usually consisted of two crackers and a cup of orange juice. This was followed by a bowl of salad for lunch and a few shreds of chicken for dinner. I managed to lose a stone and a half in around 5 weeks and was at last happy and content with the way I looked.
I kept telling myself that I would stop after losing a pound, but this only continued and I still have not stopped. I accept that I have a problem, but I find that I am a prisoner to my own thoughts. I constantly obsess over what I eat - a single crisp has me feeling guilty for the whole day.
It has got to the point where I can't get up out of bed without feeling dizzy - I have drifted apart from my friends because I don't have the energy to 'socialise' or even talk anymore.

Life has become hard and I desperately want to change the way I think. I haven't been to the doctors about this, because I'm so afraid that my fears regarding my eating habits will finally turn into a reality.

I just want some advice and tips on how to deal with this? I realise the road to recovery will be a long one, but I'm willing to start.

[jazzykinks]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I just want some advice and tips on how to deal with this? I realise the road to recovery will be a long one, but I'm willing to start.

You have to want to get better -- genuinely. What I did was think about what my ED was robbing me of. You already mentioned how you've lost friends. How does that make you feel? The ED is separating you from normality and the love from friends that you deserve. Things only go downhill if you continue this path. Another trick is to think of food as medicine, not the enemy. We need food so we can survive. Your brain needs at least 500 calories just to function and not shrink. Your organs all require energy, which only comes from food. You need about 1400 calories just to stay alive. An ED is like a leech. It just drains you, slowly and painfully. It takes away everything. It hurts everyone, not just yourself, but those around you.

Sorry about the negativity. You do sound like you genuinely want to get better and you've already taken the first step by admitting you have a problem and wanting to stop it sooner rather than later, so well done! Just gradually build up what you eat x

[Cinnie]

(Original post by Riku)
x

I don't know your friends so wouldn't know if they are paranoid or not but get some rest and try not to fret over it

---------------

I say this, but i'm currently up late trying to figure out how i'm going to deal with overeats in the future.. what people do to maintain their weight after overeating. It's all such a headache. What do people do? a big part of my doesn't want to 'get away' with it in case it becomes a habit so I need to compensate in some way (I don't need to gain weight).... oh I just want to smash something up right now.

[TotoMimo]

Connie, not entirely the same but I've reached a phase of restriction then release every day; like I will stay "ED'd" until 5pm then eat normally. I understand there is no such thing as "partial day ED" as this effectively screws up the whole day by creating an unhealthy routine. I eat to (just)sub-maintenance (I promise I now never dive below my self-set 1500 per day, though on bad days I struggle)but ultimately I am still gaining body fat due to inconsistent metabolic spikes.

A calorie is a calorie, but a lot is to be said for the way the body processes them amidst a confused routine. What I mean is, should I consume these same calories more consistently throughout the day, I would not get metabolic slumps where my body slacks off and cannot process my evening meal.

Short version: Whether or not your ED is restrictive, binge, purge or excess, the body is suffering. I continue, as you guys do, to find the magical "normal".

[Riku]

(Original post by .snowflake.)
-hugging- You're not the only one whos having a bad time ofit atm.

back, hope you're doing OK Snow!

(Original post by Cinnie)
I don't know your friends so wouldn't know if they are paranoid or not but get some rest and try not to fret over it



---------------

I say this, but i'm currently up late trying to figure out how i'm going to deal with overeats in the future.. what people do to maintain their weight after overeating. It's all such a headache. What do people do? a big part of my doesn't want to 'get away' with it in case it becomes a habit so I need to compensate in some way (I don't need to gain weight).... oh I just want to smash something up right now.

Actually it was me I emant as the 'paranoid' one aha but never mind |
God, I have no respect for my own boundaries still. I mean sometimes it's alright to change your mind ; like Saturday, I was going to stay completely sober and leave my friend's house party early due to work/getting worried about panicking from being drunk, but ended up playing the Lord of the Rings drinking game instead :P
So that was fine. I've drunk from peer pressure and anxiety before but never been dependent on it. Today, slightly different. I had a choice between going to the gym as intended and playing badminton with Dad as spur of the moment and I thought 'strength training: my bones are going to pot', also having done my research on LBM and muscle-building etc. (is it common for some recovering individuals to go halfway and end up fitspo instead?). But I couldn't say no and felt I should go and started feeling guilty of the people I know there being disappointed I hadn't turned up again...so I gave up on either and threw the other boundary of trying to be healthy out of the window and binged don't know what to do there.

Spoiler:

Show

I'm trying to put calories and bf% out of my mind from all this binging, but it's hard to ignore the massive sugar load/trans-fats because I'm always stuffing myself with crap these days, moreso because there are days when I eat junk food without it being disordered which is great mentally but makes it a double-whammy physically, and if I think about what's going on in my body as a result too hard it's just scary I might be dying

My mum's only just been told by her therapist today about how telling me what she thinks I should do all the time can be dangerous. But at elast she knows now, and that's goin g to help a bit

Cinnie, if I'm honest, I don't think non-ED people think that hard about what to do when they over-eat. If it's become uncomfortable to eat, then they just kinda give it a rest for that day and wait until they're hungry again the next? Of course that's asking what feels like impossible for us, just to accept that there's gonna be a little gain but that's fine because it doesn't mean anything really.
At the end of the day, I think we significantly overeat or binge because of a) we've gone from one extreme to another and food's still seen as a Holy Grail that we must devour , and related to this b) completely losing control over food is the antithesis of never losing control over food/weight/the hunger. It's still using a physical solution to a problem that was caused by emotions, which is why it never works. I'm sure you understand that logically but to believe it applies to you as I struggle to believe it can apply to me, that'll come in time.


You're doing amazing, keep it up and I hope this doesn't sound patronising but try not to think about it too hard

[Anonymous]

(Original post by jazzykinks)
You have to want to get better -- genuinely. What I did was think about what my ED was robbing me of. You already mentioned how you've lost friends. How does that make you feel? The ED is separating you from normality and the love from friends that you deserve. Things only go downhill if you continue this path. Another trick is to think of food as medicine, not the enemy. We need food so we can survive. Your brain needs at least 500 calories just to function and not shrink. Your organs all require energy, which only comes from food. You need about 1400 calories just to stay alive. An ED is like a leech. It just drains you, slowly and painfully. It takes away everything. It hurts everyone, not just yourself, but those around you.

Sorry about the negativity. You do sound like you genuinely want to get better and you've already taken the first step by admitting you have a problem and wanting to stop it sooner rather than later, so well done! Just gradually build up what you eat x

So true!!

[TotoMimo]

The ED isn't the disorder. It's the knowledge the disorder exists and being helpless to fix it. Xxx

[Anonymous]

The support received from you guys after a tough few weeks has been invaluable; I'm finally 8 stone! At my worst I was 6 stone 10. Finally told people about my anorexia so that I have to keep going. You're all an amazing bunch of people, I just wanted you to know that.
I genuinely do smile when I see posts about what people are achieving; we can all do this

[x-Disenchanted-x]

Damn that anon button!

[Anonymous]

Hello lovelies.
I do not have an eating disorder, but my best friend is a recovering anorexic.
I haven't read this whole thread so I dont know if this has been addressed before, but has anyone found that, while recovering, they kind of become...obsessed with school work?
I know eating disorders are often more likely to happen to high achievers, but the amount my friend actually obsesses over school is more than that. It's almost like her brain has swapped from thinking 'If you eat, you're a failure' to 'If you don't do 5 hours of school work today, you're a failure'.
It's not normal exam stress, as we have just finished year 10 and have only done a few exams anyway. But it's not even feeling guilty about not revising or something; she admitted to me that she feels extremely bad if she doesn't go home and do school work every night, even if it doesn't need doing.
School causes her a huge amount of stress now. I just wondered if anyone else has ever found themselves doing this, in the hope that I could somehow do something to help her out. I think the stress caused by obsessing over school work is also having a negative effect on her eating, even if she doesn't realise it

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Hello lovelies.
I do not have an eating disorder, but my best friend is a recovering anorexic.
I haven't read this whole thread so I dont know if this has been addressed before, but has anyone found that, while recovering, they kind of become...obsessed with school work?
I know eating disorders are often more likely to happen to high achievers, but the amount my friend actually obsesses over school is more than that. It's almost like her brain has swapped from thinking 'If you eat, you're a failure' to 'If you don't do 5 hours of school work today, you're a failure'.
It's not normal exam stress, as we have just finished year 10 and have only done a few exams anyway. But it's not even feeling guilty about not revising or something; she admitted to me that she feels extremely bad if she doesn't go home and do school work every night, even if it doesn't need doing.
School causes her a huge amount of stress now. I just wondered if anyone else has ever found themselves doing this, in the hope that I could somehow do something to help her out. I think the stress caused by obsessing over school work is also having a negative effect on her eating, even if she doesn't realise it

I do that. I had no idea what to do with myself after my last A2 exam, as I'd literally constantly revised since my Jan results came out. I started getting obsessed with school work, desparate to meet/ exceed my firm offer because my friend didnt get any offers for Medicine in the UK (and she's not the only one in my year), and I got all 5 for Chemistry, and subsequently felt guilty that I had so many offers and they didnt, and felt I didn't deserve them (and I still don't) and wanted to make her proud of me. And then relapsed back into skipping meals, doing too much exercise for how much i'm eating and so on.

It's taken me a few weeks to stop feeling awfully guilty about the fact I'm not reading the books I have been reading recently in German and watching my first movie in English in over a year was a complete mind****. Friends do complain that I spend far too much time doing german, reading german, moaning that I've got two essays in this week - I only do it because compared to the other 3 girls, I'm the class idiot, they're all predicted A/A*, I had to beg for my B, which I need to make my firm offer, if the exam hadn't been so awful, I'd be slightly more confident about getting an A - I did manage that on the last mock paper we did.

[letsdothetimewarpagain]

I suppose I should post in here seeing as I'm currently in Borneo SMC thanks to deciding jungle + an ED + no control was a good idea and conpletely messing my body up. Probably about time I do something about it.

Right now I need to call home as I'm flying home early and need to actually tell them but **** knows how you drop that bombshell, especially over the phone. Plus my head is banning me from calling until I binge + sick which I'm desperately trying to fight but failing at despite being in hosp

I was 8st1lb 5 weeks ago and now I'm 7st7lb at 5ft9.

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
I suppose I should post in here seeing as I'm currently in Borneo SMC thanks to deciding jungle + an ED + no control was a good idea and conpletely messing my body up. Probably about time I do something about it.

Right now I need to call home as I'm flying home early and need to actually tell them but **** knows how you drop that bombshell, especially over the phone. Plus my head is banning me from calling until I binge + sick which I'm desperately trying to fight but failing at despite being in hosp

I was 8st1lb 5 weeks ago and now I'm 7st7lb at 5ft9.

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

oh. timewarpy -huggles- I hope you're okay - well, as ok as you can be considering.

Anyone know how to get rid of that results and clearing thing in the sidebar. I feel physically sick every time I see it. I do NOT need reminding that I've probably failed, okay?

Edit: Oh great. Seen the advert, now in such a state I'm ready to sit and weep. FAB. I also need to tell my firm & ucas that the exams I've actually sat doesnt match whats on my UCAS form. My A levels haven't changed, but they'll get more results module wise than they're expecting. But I've no idea what to say, how to say it, what needs to be in the email and I've convinced myself they'll hold this against me because I've known since March which exams I was taking and that them compared to UCAS didnt match and it's been ages since I've sat them and I HAVE TO tell them by 8th Aug otherwise I miss the deadline for telling them that its changed and if I don't tell them I've resat these two modules, ****'ll go down on results day because they're recieve results for me they're not expecting and be like WTF is this, and hence probably take longer to decide to confirm me, and tbqh, I can't deal with that stress. But it being so long since said exams I'm scared they'll use this against me if I miss my firm offer 'Oh she's the idiot who resat AS modules and STILL couldn't meet the offer' or that knowing that theres such a gap between my exams and me telling them, they might read it as 'She's really not organised, she wont cope with the course.' and if I miss the offer, that might make them decide they don't want me.

[Anonymous]

@snowflake
Thanks for the reply
Do you think it was the school situation that caused your eating to get worse?
My friend told me a while ago that she'd lost a lot of weight, but not on purpose (I don't know how much truth there was in that, but yeah). Also, we went out to eat the other day and I noticed she was playing with her food again. She hasn't done that in ages because she's been so focused on recovering.
-sigh- I just don't want her eating disorder to get really bad again because it's really heartbreaking, and, obviously, horrible for her too. But nobody can get her to stop working, because she'll just get even more stressed out if she's not doing something, than if she's doing mountains of unnecessary work.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
I suppose I should post in here seeing as I'm currently in Borneo SMC thanks to deciding jungle + an ED + no control was a good idea and conpletely messing my body up. Probably about time I do something about it.

Right now I need to call home as I'm flying home early and need to actually tell them but **** knows how you drop that bombshell, especially over the phone. Plus my head is banning me from calling until I binge + sick which I'm desperately trying to fight but failing at despite being in hosp

I was 8st1lb 5 weeks ago and now I'm 7st7lb at 5ft9.

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

Never knew sweetheart, I keep myself anon on this thread but I know you from around - big hugs

It'll be scary to phone but they'll be much more upset if you didn't get any help and really hurt yourself out there, take care.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
I suppose I should post in here seeing as I'm currently in Borneo SMC thanks to deciding jungle + an ED + no control was a good idea and conpletely messing my body up. Probably about time I do something about it.

Right now I need to call home as I'm flying home early and need to actually tell them but **** knows how you drop that bombshell, especially over the phone. Plus my head is banning me from calling until I binge + sick which I'm desperately trying to fight but failing at despite being in hosp

I was 8st1lb 5 weeks ago and now I'm 7st7lb at 5ft9.

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

So sorry to hear you're not feeling so great stay strong and keep us posted on how things are going with you. You're right; it's time to change and get your life back.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by TotoMimo)
Connie,

HAHAHAHAHA This made me absolutely laugh out loud which lasted too long and too loud and then I felt choked up. Is it normal to be this manic?? Up one minute, down the next.
Made myself sick at work every day this week so far. If only the girls toilets were closer to the office, but they're up another flight of stairs so no one can hear me. & Im the only female that works here so there's no chance someone will catch me. It's all too easy, too easy to get away with. There's nothing stopping me anymore

[DitsySoph]

Went for a meeting at work today, basically to see if I'm not faking my eating disorder and depression (...) and from a business point of view they expect me to return in a month; because from the companies view they say I haven't worked there long enough to get any more sick leave pay, not the top of my worries, but even they admitted just by looking at me they wouldn't want me to return.

No, I don't really WANT to go back there since BEING THERE was when my depression and eating disorder escalate. But they did say they didn't want to 'sack me', perhaps keep me on record and say if I was well enough in a years time they would employ me once more/ make me seasonal. At least that options there, because my aim was to go to Uni this year and that dreams just fading away because I'm that much of a mess at the moment and if don't go Uni at least theres always that job position open to me.

Whats more is I broke down like an emotional wreck in there, not because they were saying you have to come back to work but i just want to get better and no matter how hard I try I seem to be going nowhere. Also, one of the medical reviewers said 'there is a way out of all this and your parents are so supportive, and you have a very understanding boyfriend that you've been with for nearly 3 years' and I had to open my big gob and say 'Yeah. We're not together anymore.' Extreme awkward silence. EXTREME