[Anonymous]

So, i'm losing weight, it's giving me my desired affect - how am i supposed to stop now? :/

[Anonymous]

Spoiler:

Show

I've just binged on a sandwich, a jacket potato with chilli and cheese, 4 packets of Kettle Chips, 4 packets of Walkers Max paprika crisps, a family size bar of Galaxy, a 4 pack of blueberry muffins, a four pack of chocolate chip muffins, 8 biscuits, 6 sausages, 3 chicken thighs, half a loaf of bread and butter and 6 Mars bars. & then I threw it all up. This has been my worst binge and this is my lowest point. So far. Because it will only get worse, right.

Help me

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Riku)
On a related note, anyone spoken to Diamond, Custard, Brie and that lately? Haven't heard from them or some others in ages!
Although, if they've reached a stage where they're physically and mentally healthy no longer in need of this thread, then that's the best thing for them and I wish them all the best. Just curious x

Oh I still lurk. I rarely post because often I'm not in the best state of mind, it's just nice to come onto the thread and read reassuring words sometimes.
I had an occupational health appointment yesterday and they said to me if I gain weight to a certain BMI within 4 weeks they'll let me into Uni, so I'm currently forcing myself into the mindset that the short-term anxiety I feel when I eat isn't worth the long term destruction of starvation - both destruction of my future and my body.

Annnnnnnnyway, I've been reading your posts and you seem in a much better place than when you first posted here Riku, if you ever feel strong enough you should look back and see the changes you've managed and feel very proud of yourself.

I hope everyone is staying well!

[briesandwich]

The above was me. Gosh darn auto-anon.

[lightacandle]

I am really struggling right now having just eaten chips and ice cream. I feel so guilty, and at the same time so angry at myself because I've just eaten 'normally' like I used to and it's so frustrating that I now feel like crying all because of chips and ice cream. I used to love chips and ice cream (not together, I hasten to add!)

So, I'm trying to distract myself by thinking of reasons why eating that meal was a good thing.
1) I am so tired and sore right now. I feel like I've run a marathon - my legs ache walking up the stairs, my arm muscles ache, my abs hurt. Gaining weight will make this go away; there is no other way.
2) Forcing myself to eat (and keep down) these 'fear foods' is a step towards normality. If I keep doing it, I'll learn to enjoy them again, and they'll just be 'normal food' not 'fear food'. No food should be feared, that's dumb.
3) It's not a good look to be able to see my ribs through my t-shirt top. It looks dreadful. Gaining weight is the only way to get rid of that awful look. And the same goes for my spine.
4) My hair is still falling out in massive clumps. It's also the most horrible texture. Gaining weight is the only way to stop this...imagine having lovely, long, glossy hair again, and being able to enjoy going to the hairdressers once more.
5) I have no boobs. I used to have great boobs! I want them back - again, they're not going to just magically appear, I need to put weight on!
6) I really want to go swimming, but when I tried going for a gentle swim a few weeks ago my arms weren't strong enough. Solution? Weight gain!
7) Laughing. Oh how I want to laugh again. I want to dance to the radio and laugh at stupid stuff and tell funny stories; the crushing depression I'm stuck with right now sucks. But I know the medicine to make it better...food. All I have to do is feed myself, and it'll get better.

Simple, right?

Heh, turns out thinking of reasons to recover is pretty therapeutic. But I'm still finding it really hard to actually eat enough to put the weight on...I'd love to know what everyone else eats in a day, because, even with chips and ice cream, it's a struggle.

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by briesandwich)
The above was me. Gosh darn auto-anon.

it's fun when somebody anon-fails. It's like you're playing 'Guess Who' with us all.
I am losing it, I'm aware of that.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by .snowflake.)
it's fun when somebody anon-fails. It's like you're playing 'Guess Who' with us all.
I am losing it, I'm aware of that.

Oh I didn't realise I had ruined a game by revealing myself. I should have stayed anon and given everyone clues. I am smelly and rich.
Hope you're okay!

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Oh I didn't realise I had ruined a game by revealing myself. I should have stayed anon and given everyone clues. I am smelly and rich.
Hope you're okay!

:P. You have just lost the game -hides before she gets beaten- Unfortunately I'm not. I shouldnt drink so much coffee when me eating going to ****, because it makes EVERYTHING worse. the anxiety, the paranoia, the calorie counting, i stop sleeping properly, which makes me more paranoid...

[jazzykinks]

(Original post by lightacandle)
I am really struggling right now having just eaten chips and ice cream. I feel so guilty, and at the same time so angry at myself because I've just eaten 'normally' like I used to and it's so frustrating that I now feel like crying all because of chips and ice cream. I used to love chips and ice cream (not together, I hasten to add!)

So, I'm trying to distract myself by thinking of reasons why eating that meal was a good thing.
1) I am so tired and sore right now. I feel like I've run a marathon - my legs ache walking up the stairs, my arm muscles ache, my abs hurt. Gaining weight will make this go away; there is no other way.
2) Forcing myself to eat (and keep down) these 'fear foods' is a step towards normality. If I keep doing it, I'll learn to enjoy them again, and they'll just be 'normal food' not 'fear food'. No food should be feared, that's dumb.
3) It's not a good look to be able to see my ribs through my t-shirt top. It looks dreadful. Gaining weight is the only way to get rid of that awful look. And the same goes for my spine.
4) My hair is still falling out in massive clumps. It's also the most horrible texture. Gaining weight is the only way to stop this...imagine having lovely, long, glossy hair again, and being able to enjoy going to the hairdressers once more.
5) I have no boobs. I used to have great boobs! I want them back - again, they're not going to just magically appear, I need to put weight on!
6) I really want to go swimming, but when I tried going for a gentle swim a few weeks ago my arms weren't strong enough. Solution? Weight gain!
7) Laughing. Oh how I want to laugh again. I want to dance to the radio and laugh at stupid stuff and tell funny stories; the crushing depression I'm stuck with right now sucks. But I know the medicine to make it better...food. All I have to do is feed myself, and it'll get better.

Simple, right?

Heh, turns out thinking of reasons to recover is pretty therapeutic. But I'm still finding it really hard to actually eat enough to put the weight on...I'd love to know what everyone else eats in a day, because, even with chips and ice cream, it's a struggle.

Bloody hell! Well done, well done. Honestly, the fact that you are thinking of the positives to try and get better is absolutely great. I am so proud of you. Everyone here is. You are showing such strength. Keep going. Sometimes you need to eat 'normally' before eating to gain, so it becomes an easier transition. When I started recovery, I ate normally for a week, then started a gaining diet. The eating normally week was good because it made the next step so much easier. Well done! xxx

[x-Disenchanted-x]

(Original post by lightacandle)
I am really struggling right now having just eaten chips and ice cream. I feel so guilty, and at the same time so angry at myself because I've just eaten 'normally' like I used to and it's so frustrating that I now feel like crying all because of chips and ice cream. I used to love chips and ice cream (not together, I hasten to add!)

So, I'm trying to distract myself by thinking of reasons why eating that meal was a good thing.
1) I am so tired and sore right now. I feel like I've run a marathon - my legs ache walking up the stairs, my arm muscles ache, my abs hurt. Gaining weight will make this go away; there is no other way.
2) Forcing myself to eat (and keep down) these 'fear foods' is a step towards normality. If I keep doing it, I'll learn to enjoy them again, and they'll just be 'normal food' not 'fear food'. No food should be feared, that's dumb.
3) It's not a good look to be able to see my ribs through my t-shirt top. It looks dreadful. Gaining weight is the only way to get rid of that awful look. And the same goes for my spine.
4) My hair is still falling out in massive clumps. It's also the most horrible texture. Gaining weight is the only way to stop this...imagine having lovely, long, glossy hair again, and being able to enjoy going to the hairdressers once more.
5) I have no boobs. I used to have great boobs! I want them back - again, they're not going to just magically appear, I need to put weight on!
6) I really want to go swimming, but when I tried going for a gentle swim a few weeks ago my arms weren't strong enough. Solution? Weight gain!
7) Laughing. Oh how I want to laugh again. I want to dance to the radio and laugh at stupid stuff and tell funny stories; the crushing depression I'm stuck with right now sucks. But I know the medicine to make it better...food. All I have to do is feed myself, and it'll get better.

Simple, right?

Heh, turns out thinking of reasons to recover is pretty therapeutic. But I'm still finding it really hard to actually eat enough to put the weight on...I'd love to know what everyone else eats in a day, because, even with chips and ice cream, it's a struggle.

Fantastic work! I wish you could feel proud of yourself, that's an amazing step! Keep going; this has really spurred me on to let myself have a treat tonight too. I agree with every reason you've stated, you're completely right. xxx

[MelissaJayne]

I'm really not sure if this thread helps me or makes me feel worse, possibly a bit of both. But Cloppy, I wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. One of the things I really want to aim for is the period-return stage, but at the same time, I'm REALLY frightened of it. This is grim and personal, SO BOYS LOOK AWAY, but I had sex recently after not having done so for a bit. And I bled a bit, but my first thought was..****, IS THIS MY PERIOD? OMAGWAD I'M HUGGGGE. Then I was like, what, wait. No. Why are u thinking this? I've been on the up, gaining and what not and not too stressed about it. It made me doubt my own recovery. But you can't allow it to do that. You said it yourself, your clothes fit, you can't see a difference or even measure one. Look at it this way: you get the nice slim figure you're comfortable with, but without health risks attached to no periods. Don't weigh, it'll be a lose/lose scenario and allow anorexia to win. Just accept it for what it is and take the positives from it.

Don't let it dominate your life x

[cloppy]

(Original post by Riku)
Cloppy!

Rikuuu! Thank you for your wisdom..it IS good and I know that. I'm getting healthy again and that is precisely why I chose recovery. Health is aces, everyone knows this

And you, sire, are doing a STERLING job at this recovery malarky as well. High-5 and a hug from me! Keep on trucking with your therapy, it seems to be doing you wonders xx

(Original post by MelissaJayne)
x

Hells bells Melissa, not only are you hilarious to the extreme but also a calming fountain of reason and knowledge too. Definitely want you for the next prime minister, possibly even queen

Thanks sweetness, it's always been one of those paradoxical milestoney recovery things where you're not quite sure if you want it or not. You're terrified by the prospect of finally being 'baby-ready' and therefore have (gasp) some body fat somewhere, but equally terrified of not having them and having your bones turn to dust by the time you reach 40. I'm not going to continue being a wally about this, I know I should be thankful and proud I've got this far. Health health health! And silver linings. Always. xx

[cloppy]

(Original post by .snowflake.)
x

Thank you muchly snow! And I gave myself a poke in the eyeball don't you fret (I didn't really, but the thought alone was punishment :P). And exactly, recovery on the whole has led to only good things for me so far. Such as living. Having fun. Why whine about measly periods?

Try to resist watching programmes like that hunny. I have to forcibly stop myself watching things like 'Britain's fattest toddler' or whatever because I'd never eat my dinner xx

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Oh I still lurk. I rarely post because often I'm not in the best state of mind, it's just nice to come onto the thread and read reassuring words sometimes.
I had an occupational health appointment yesterday and they said to me if I gain weight to a certain BMI within 4 weeks they'll let me into Uni, so I'm currently forcing myself into the mindset that the short-term anxiety I feel when I eat isn't worth the long term destruction of starvation - both destruction of my future and my body.

Annnnnnnnyway, I've been reading your posts and you seem in a much better place than when you first posted here Riku, if you ever feel strong enough you should look back and see the changes you've managed and feel very proud of yourself.

I hope everyone is staying well!

Oh hai der, Brie
Well, I guess you have your choice. It's entirely up to you to push through the fear. But just imagine the world of wonder that university could offer you-it'd be such a shame to give that up and settle for this...nothing. Honestly, at the worst of it an ED and the physical/social/mental problems that come with it aren't even ****, they're just...nothing. I'd rather have a hard time than nothing at all now.

(Original post by .snowflake.)
:P. You have just lost the game -hides before she gets beaten- Unfortunately I'm not. I shouldnt drink so much coffee when me eating going to ****, because it makes EVERYTHING worse. the anxiety, the paranoia, the calorie counting, i stop sleeping properly, which makes me more paranoid...

See Snow, that's something I've found is almost entirely dependent on your mindset. When I stopped eating properly (namely started fearing fat as a nutrient full-stop), that's when I started losing sleep, thinking I couldn't breathe, imagining people coming to kill me. It wasn't until I'd completely committed myself to anything, anything but the nothing that it eased off bit by bit. At the moment I can sleep like a baby again I'm not bragging, it just feels great and wanted to say it's possible.
The hard part is training your mind to fight compulsions when you do get sleep-deprived and feel at the most vulnerable, but I think if you can encourage yourself to do that bit by bit, it sets you up with much more determination for recovery and whatever life throws at you beyond. x

[QUOTE=cloppy;38911658]Rikuuu! Thank you for your wisdom..it IS good and I know that. I'm getting healthy again and that is precisely why I chose recovery. Health is aces, everyone knows this

And you, sire, are doing a STERLING job at this recovery malarky as well. High-5 and a hug from me! Keep on trucking with your therapy, it seems to be doing you wonders xx

Ain't it just and thank you
I still don't know. It's so surreal because I'm almost where I started before I lost weight and had serious anxiety-still afraid of talking to strangers, still can't always talk properly to my best friend or close family, still insecure about my weight-it's just that now, everyone knows, so my healthy coping strategies (healthy diet, regular moderate exercise, generally clean living), they don't seem that healthy to anyone anymore.
I really don't know how healthy it is to be 'body-building' whenever you've had difficulties in the past but I thought it was a much more constructive fitness goal than just losing weight-not sure whetherI'm cheating myself. And yet the attention I'm starting to get from the opposite sex is...empowering. But is that a trap? Am I only letting myself eat provided I stay in my mind physically attractive, do I have to be in shape to just bloody eat?
There's still a lot of doubt about my decision. I just know I'd rather have being 'fat' and happy than thin and unhappy. That's probably the best change.

[MelissaJayne]

(Original post by cloppy)
Rikuuu! Thank you for your wisdom..it IS good and I know that. I'm getting healthy again and that is precisely why I chose recovery. Health is aces, everyone knows this

And you, sire, are doing a STERLING job at this recovery malarky as well. High-5 and a hug from me! Keep on trucking with your therapy, it seems to be doing you wonders xx




Hells bells Melissa, not only are you hilarious to the extreme but also a calming fountain of reason and knowledge too. Definitely want you for the next prime minister, possibly even queen

Thanks sweetness, it's always been one of those paradoxical milestoney recovery things where you're not quite sure if you want it or not. You're terrified by the prospect of finally being 'baby-ready' and therefore have (gasp) some body fat somewhere, but equally terrified of not having them and having your bones turn to dust by the time you reach 40. I'm not going to continue being a wally about this, I know I should be thankful and proud I've got this far. Health health health! And silver linings. Always. xx

Well, you can be my chief princess if I one day become Queen. But Princesses need to provide heirs to the throne, yo! And plus, don't think periods automatically equals body fat. Look at perfectly slim, not at all fat celebs who have babs; Victoria Beckham? I don't think she's ever heard the word fat in her life, let alone had any. I have no doubt you're still stupidly slim, your body has just managed to muster together some hormones and eggs and what not from SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW. It's a miracle. See it as a blessing

[TotoMimo]

It's an interesting point; regarding physical attraction with an ED. It's an excessively selfish illness. I am now healthy body weight (bmi 18.6) but I believe I look like a house-sized sack o' spuds. And yet I am only now starting to receive female attention; despite disliking my new frame more than ever.

My hair is starting to grow back, and I am two stones heavier than my all time low of 6st 4, a terrifying weight for any PERSON, let alone MAN, to be. Yet I am still yet to feel sexual impulse. I appreciate the flattery from the fairer sex, and of course love the feeling of... Yknow, NOT DYING, but the temptation to throw it all away in favour of that idiotic, child-like state of anorexia and press the "pause button" on life never properly subsides.

Long point short; getting a man's body back when your brain has chemically not become a man's mind fully yet is a dangerous point to be at.

[MelissaJayne]

(Original post by TotoMimo)
It's an interesting point; regarding physical attraction with an ED. It's an excessively selfish illness. I am now healthy body weight (bmi 18.6) but I believe I look like a house-sized sack o' spuds. And yet I am only now starting to receive female attention; despite disliking my new frame more than ever.

My hair is starting to grow back, and I am two stones heavier than my all time low of 6st 4, a terrifying weight for any PERSON, let alone MAN, to be. Yet I am still yet to feel sexual impulse. I appreciate the flattery from the fairer sex, and of course love the feeling of... Yknow, NOT DYING, but the temptation to throw it all away in favour of that idiotic, child-like state of anorexia and press the "pause button" on life never properly subsides.

Long point short; getting a man's body back when your brain has chemically not become a man's mind fully yet is a dangerous point to be at.

Get a blow job. It'll remind you all about impulse and pleasure.

[Anonymous]

I am so fat. I am 10.24 st and my height is only 5' 0.5"

[.snowflake.]

(Original post by MelissaJayne)
Get a blow job. It'll remind you all about impulse and pleasure.

you made me laugh. i hate you, because my abs kill, and it hurts to laugh. AND because I nearly spat water over my laptop.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by TotoMimo)
It's an interesting point; regarding physical attraction with an ED. It's an excessively selfish illness. I am now healthy body weight (bmi 18.6) but I believe I look like a house-sized sack o' spuds. And yet I am only now starting to receive female attention; despite disliking my new frame more than ever.

My hair is starting to grow back, and I am two stones heavier than my all time low of 6st 4, a terrifying weight for any PERSON, let alone MAN, to be. Yet I am still yet to feel sexual impulse. I appreciate the flattery from the fairer sex, and of course love the feeling of... Yknow, NOT DYING, but the temptation to throw it all away in favour of that idiotic, child-like state of anorexia and press the "pause button" on life never properly subsides.

Long point short; getting a man's body back when your brain has chemically not become a man's mind fully yet is a dangerous point to be at.

I think this is true of a lot of disorders; there's always going to be a point where you turn around and go 'hang on, I'm leaving behind something that was a big part of my life, STOP' and want to go back into the comforting ways of whatever it is, b + ping, restricting, self harming, excessive drinking. It's hard and it's tough but at the end of the day it's worth it. One day you stop feeling the temptation and thoughts and suddenly you're no longer in recovery, you're a survivor I guess.

Human brains are ridiculously weak when it comes to overcoming addiction, it's possible to get addicted to anything and when you try to take that away your brain puts up the biggest fight even though it's killing you to keep it. Ridiculous.