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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    That's a decidedly glamorous (and hopefully true) way of viewing this disease. Hopefully I can personally overcome it in this kinda way; just click! "man, what am I doing?!" - then better!
    bviously it's not quite so simple, but like I say, you seem as if you're on the right track but good luck, I hope it all works out well for you!
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    I have recently been determined as just under a BMI of 15, which they've determined to be hospitalisation-material. I have one week to gain a kilo (2lb), and if by Friday I haven't met the goal, I will have no choice but to get admitted and have an NG tube administered. Therefore I've been given a frequent-eat refeed menu. It's very difficult for me, as any ED sufferer will know; being forced to eat full-fat yoghurt, lots of carb-based foods; but the alternative is far more terrifying.

    For me, for my family, for my health (which has suffered dramatically; in the past week I've been told my kidneys and liver are suffering)... all ED sufferers unite and give each other words of strength and encouragement.

    This is never about vanity and no longer about personal goals. This is about life and death, and to reach that point personally, I just wanted to express how much I want everyone suffering similar ailments with me - GET HELP NOW. Please!

    Much love, team.

    XXX
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I have recently been determined as just under a BMI of 15, which they've determined to be hospitalisation-material. I have one week to gain a kilo (2lb), and if by Friday I haven't met the goal, I will have no choice but to get admitted and have an NG tube administered. Therefore I've been given a frequent-eat refeed menu. It's very difficult for me, as any ED sufferer will know; being forced to eat full-fat yoghurt, lots of carb-based foods; but the alternative is far more terrifying.

    For me, for my family, for my health (which has suffered dramatically; in the past week I've been told my kidneys and liver are suffering)... all ED sufferers unite and give each other words of strength and encouragement.

    This is never about vanity and no longer about personal goals. This is about life and death, and to reach that point personally, I just wanted to express how much I want everyone suffering similar ailments with me - GET HELP NOW. Please!

    Much love, team.

    XXX
    I really hope you manage to gain that kilo, no one should have to suffer the alternative. Lots and lots of :hugs: I believe in you
    #6

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I have recently been determined as just under a BMI of 15, which they've determined to be hospitalisation-material. I have one week to gain a kilo (2lb), and if by Friday I haven't met the goal, I will have no choice but to get admitted and have an NG tube administered. Therefore I've been given a frequent-eat refeed menu. It's very difficult for me, as any ED sufferer will know; being forced to eat full-fat yoghurt, lots of carb-based foods; but the alternative is far more terrifying.

    For me, for my family, for my health (which has suffered dramatically; in the past week I've been told my kidneys and liver are suffering)... all ED sufferers unite and give each other words of strength and encouragement.

    This is never about vanity and no longer about personal goals. This is about life and death, and to reach that point personally, I just wanted to express how much I want everyone suffering similar ailments with me - GET HELP NOW. Please!

    Much love, team.

    XXX
    i haven't posted on this thread before but after reading it all i'm on the verge of tears. similar to another poster i have had a few variations of EDs since i was about 14 and everythings making me feel so emotional :'(

    good luck i really hope this week is ok for you
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I have recently been determined as just under a BMI of 15, which they've determined to be hospitalisation-material. I have one week to gain a kilo (2lb), and if by Friday I haven't met the goal, I will have no choice but to get admitted and have an NG tube administered. Therefore I've been given a frequent-eat refeed menu. It's very difficult for me, as any ED sufferer will know; being forced to eat full-fat yoghurt, lots of carb-based foods; but the alternative is far more terrifying.

    For me, for my family, for my health (which has suffered dramatically; in the past week I've been told my kidneys and liver are suffering)... all ED sufferers unite and give each other words of strength and encouragement.

    This is never about vanity and no longer about personal goals. This is about life and death, and to reach that point personally, I just wanted to express how much I want everyone suffering similar ailments with me - GET HELP NOW. Please!

    Much love, team.

    XXX
    :hugs: I really hope you manage to do it. I'm sure you'll be able to stay out of hospital. I'm thinking of you. :jumphug:
    #3

    You just need to take one day at a time - and maybe even smaller, take each meal or snack at a time. If you look at the bigger picture you'll get terrified.

    I hope you're ok.
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    Thank you so much, guys, for your support, and let me just reiterate the necessity for us to stick together and encourage one another. Your love isn't reaching an idle destination, I really, genuinely appreciate it all. XXX
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    Dude, you can do this. xx
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Thank you so much, guys, for your support, and let me just reiterate the necessity for us to stick together and encourage one another. Your love isn't reaching an idle destination, I really, genuinely appreciate it all. XXX

    It's spooky, I was in this very situation with my weight a couple of weeks back! It was hard to eat more as you can imagine, and it still is, but it will be so worth it in the long run! I was upset about gaining that week, even though I had prepared myself for it, but when I was walking out of the ED centre I realised just how much worse I would have felt at that moment if I had lost weight and had to go into hospital. Unfortunately for us there is no easy option. They are both 'evils', but the lesser of the two truly is just to gain that bit of weight so you stay out of hospital and prove to your treatment team that you're strong enough to do this! You're so brave, and a fantastic role model for people who want to recover. :hugs: I have every faith in you to do this!
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    Nice story Hope you get better and healthier
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    I've suffered from bulimia with restrictive tendancies (I think I'm more EDnos than bulimic, but anyway). I know the stigma is really difficult to deal with, even though I've been in recovery for over a year now (I feel like I'm almost there now- yay!) its strange at times to realise how little even my close friends and family understand about it. I think it must be a thousand times worse as a male sufferer- I know that many don't even get diagnosed properly for ages because people just think eating disorders are a female thing. So thank you so much for sharing, its so brave of you. For those of you struggling through recovery, or just thinking of changing, go for it, it will be worth it eventually, I promise. It feels amazing to live again. xx
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    For starters, Briesandwich, I am so proud of you for doing what you've done. I personally hope I am as strong to put on this kilo in the next few days to avoid hospital as you have. I already feel miserable and fat (they've limited my exercise to the equivalent of 15 minutes walking a day!) and I'm bloating from the intake, but at like 93lb and over 5' 7" - and a man of 26 - I actively know how ridiculous my weight has become. But the numbers scare. The numbers rule all, and when the numbers go up, you've failed. That's the way an anorexic sees it. But I have to fight it. I have to battle on!

    Meena, I thoroughly appreciate your input. Whereas I can't sympathise personally with the bulimic side of things (I've never done it myself) I can understand it must be an exceptionally difficult disorder to deal with and you're also a brave person to endure it as you have. You're right that the stigma is horrific and a male anorexic is instantly tarred with tags. It's unfair for anyone to have to endure what we, as ED sufferers have, because a mental illness is hard to quantify.

    My Gran, for example, says things like "how did you go this way?" and "can't you just eat something proper?" and "It's easy to get better from this, you just need to eat Chippies, it's not like a proper disease".

    Unless you've experienced it, it's difficult to ever explain...
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I have recently been determined as just under a BMI of 15, which they've determined to be hospitalisation-material. I have one week to gain a kilo (2lb), and if by Friday I haven't met the goal, I will have no choice but to get admitted and have an NG tube administered. Therefore I've been given a frequent-eat refeed menu. It's very difficult for me, as any ED sufferer will know; being forced to eat full-fat yoghurt, lots of carb-based foods; but the alternative is far more terrifying.

    For me, for my family, for my health (which has suffered dramatically; in the past week I've been told my kidneys and liver are suffering)... all ED sufferers unite and give each other words of strength and encouragement.

    This is never about vanity and no longer about personal goals. This is about life and death, and to reach that point personally, I just wanted to express how much I want everyone suffering similar ailments with me - GET HELP NOW. Please!

    Much love, team.

    XXX
    Wishing you so much good luck! xx
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    Lauren, you've made a tremendous step even telling us, a bunch of strangers on an internet forum!! Be proud of yourself!

    An eating disorder is an exceptionally destructive thing. It not only ravages your mind and body, but the people around you and all the future ambitions you might have, alongside every single thing you do in your current lifestyle. I for one know my mum suffers severe anxiety attacks through worrying about me (not great, as she's in her forties and already had two strokes), my muscles are atrophied to the point where even walking sends pain into the flesh on the heels of my feet because my bones and muscles are so damaged, and my career has literally been put on pause.

    At this, such a critical point in your life, what could potentially be the most important chapter of your life, you want to make the next step and acquire a support network of people around you. For this you have to tell your family. This feels impossible to do and will ultimately feel shameful, you'll feel guilt, stupidity, and feel like they're prejudging you. In reality, any parent or sibling will be so incredibly supportive and worried about you that you'll question why you'd taken so long to tell them. Without an outsider, someone on the shore to reel you in, you will ALWAYS stay afloat alone, making excuses for yourself. Cheating. Making stuff up for why the ED needs to stick around one day longer.

    The ED is like a bubble that influences everything in your life. Want to go shopping? Going to try on that shirt? "Don't do it..." exclaims your ED. "You'll only accentuate that half pound you've gained." Want to go to get coffee with friends? Entering Costa, you have a fit of anxiety worrying the attendant might actually automatically pour the milk into your tea. Nothing you ever do takes precedence over the ED bubble; you need to pass through it to do anything. Even something as simple as being asked to the cinema with friends - something totally unrelated to food or your body - will be stifled, when you remember that the time the movie is due to start is actually one of your pre-scheduled regimented exercise or meals, forcing you to cancel and crumbling friendships further as you alienate yourself.

    Please Lauren, if you'd like to talk to me or, I'm sure, any of the other sufferers on here, please continue to talk here or private message.

    All my love and luck in taking this, the very first step against a demon that can, if left long enough, can and will destroy all the things you hold dear to you. It's up to you m'love!!

    XXX
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    TotoMimo , I wish you the very best in conquering this!.I know you can do it.I also wish everyone else in this thread going through ED's the very best.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I have recently been determined as just under a BMI of 15, which they've determined to be hospitalisation-material. I have one week to gain a kilo (2lb), and if by Friday I haven't met the goal, I will have no choice but to get admitted and have an NG tube administered. Therefore I've been given a frequent-eat refeed menu. It's very difficult for me, as any ED sufferer will know; being forced to eat full-fat yoghurt, lots of carb-based foods; but the alternative is far more terrifying.

    For me, for my family, for my health (which has suffered dramatically; in the past week I've been told my kidneys and liver are suffering)... all ED sufferers unite and give each other words of strength and encouragement.

    This is never about vanity and no longer about personal goals. This is about life and death, and to reach that point personally, I just wanted to express how much I want everyone suffering similar ailments with me - GET HELP NOW. Please!

    Much love, team.

    XXX
    GOOD LUCK :hugs: I really hope you put it on :o:
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    First of all, +rep.

    When I first started picking up on the fact that most threads you posted were about food, I thought that (no offence) you must be overweight. I had no idea that it was, in actual fact, the other extreme. To me, this highlights the importance of not judging anyone by what you read before you really know them as a person.

    I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, and can only hope that you find peace with yourself and your body.

    Respect for posting this as well; it is important that people speak out about eating disorders, as they're such a taboo topic.
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    Firstly, thank you immensely for creating this thread; it is so encouraging and inspiring to hear so many sufferers talking openly and honestly about their illnesses, when this appears so difficult to achieve in the 'outside' world, where eating disorders are still direly misunderstood and denounced as acts of vanity and superficiality induced by celebrity culture and the mass media.

    With retrospect, I can now analyse my past and have traced the beginnings of my eating disorder back to when I was as young as eight, when I showed signs of peculiar eating habits (i.e. refusing certain foods, hiding food etc). However, the first definite sign that something had begun came when I was twelve and in Year Eight at Secondary School. I cannot remember the reason - if there even was a reason that was more than subliminal - but I stopped eating completely for an entire week. I had always been conscious of my weight but had never dieted, and at this time I was 5'6 and 111 lbs. I had always been very tall but slim, with small bones, and I had a very active lifestyle as a ballerina, dancing for multiple hours on most weekdays after school. I cannot even recollect deciding not to eat; as I said, it just happened. My parents were blissfully unaware. Because of my active lifestyle, my mother was used to me making myself microwave meals as I would never have enough time for a full dinner before leaving the house for ballet, and so it was painfully simple for me to pretend to eat without being discovered. My parents had also just gotten divorced, and so I was free from the scrutiny of my father, which lifted a burden.

    After a week of starvation, I resumed eating, but it was sporadic and restricted. I was weighing myself obsessively and measuring myself. My friends parents began to show concern and would talk to my mother in private, telling her that they were worried by my shrinking weight and how I always seemed to be anxious about situations regarding food and my body. This led to me being taken to the doctor, and this experience still leaves me with anger and frustration; this was the beginning of something extremely detrimental to my existence, and I could have gotten assistance there and then, but because I did not appear to be at death's door, the doctor disregarded any chance of something being 'wrong', and it was put to rest. Up until the age of sixteen, I carried on this cycle. I would eat small amounts of low-calorie food, exercise to the point of exhaustion and self-harm (i.e. cutting, burning cigarettes out on my skin, forcing myself to bathe in ice-cold water, sleeping on the floor without a sheet, depriving myself of enjoyment etc) before lapsing into full on starvation, which would last between two and three weeks. I had no social life to speak of anyway, so the alienation and isolation was a factor that I found comfort and stability in; I was an outcast in school and expressed no desire to be around others.

    As aforementioned, this continued in a repetitive cycle until I was sixteen, meaning that I never lost a dramatic amount of weight because I was flitting between full-on fasting and 'normal' eating, but I was, in classified terms, underweight. But at this point, something snapped... I had failed to begin my periods and there was speculation that I was infertile. I was constantly at the doctors, having blood tests and being examined for all kinds of illnesses, and I was also seeing a psychiatrist due to diagnosed manic depression, that was proving an overwhelming pressure on my well-being, especially as I was currently preparing for my GCSE's. I was retreating into an incredibly dark place, of which the only forms of escapism I could source for myself were narcotics and self-harm, and my hatred for my body was continuing to swell and mutate inside of me. In the August of 2010, I broke into a fasting cycle again, though this time, the severity was frightening. I didn't eat for almost four weeks; that sounds ridiculous, I know, but I was taking vitamin supplements which accounted for five calories each daily, so I had some meager intake. I had a terminal pain in my skull, I couldn't wake up in the mornings or even get out of bed, which meant that I was missing school for weeks on end, I was irritable and the simplest and most trivial of things irked me to break down, such as making a coffee or taking a bath. I measured myself constantly and would cry hysterically if I had so much as put on a fifth of a pound, and my body was showing the bane of my punishment. My hair began to fall out, my skin became sallow and blemished, my bones ached desperately and my weight plummeted. By December, I was 80 lbs, standing at 5'10.

    I couldn't obscure my illness from others any longer. My mother and step-father had noticed and would argue incessantly about me, which only fueled my despair as I was devastated at the impact my problems were incurring on the rest of my family. Coupled with my depression, I was at a point where suicide was a frequent and impending thought. Then finally, I decided to visit the doctor again. I was no longer seeing a psychiatrist as I had quit, despite their letters of concern urging my parents to 'force' me to return, as they were worried for my mental health and what I would do to myself. I saw a nurse and, promising myself to be honest for once in my life, explained to her everything that I was suffering. This was the point where she weighed me and declared me as possessing anorexia nervosa. It was a terrifying moment; I had never been properly educated on eating disorders, although I was once sent to a nutritionist by my school as they considered me 'too thin', and so the following days revolved around me studying this mysterious illness and how I could have come to develop it.

    What I have learned in my discovery of myself, is that my eating disorder seems to have some relation to being a child again. As a child, I was forced to mature too quickly; I was moved-up a year at school and my parents were consistently serious and had no time for fun and games. I underwent strict discipline whilst practicing as a ballerina, and I used this ability to be disciplined against myself, as I found that I despised my body and wished to punish myself. All of my attempts to lose weight have seemed to be to the avail that I wish to disappear, and return to the carefree and childlike state which I never relished as a young person, but it has been only my body that has embodied this, and not my mind, which has become a darker and more convoluted place than I could ever imagine.

    I am still suffering very much so and I am in the knowledge that I am not currently near recovery, but at least I am now aware of what is happening to me, and what it may mean. I still restrict and count calories in the security of those perfect and unperturbed numbers, and my weight is still threatening low - I am actually being urged towards inpatient treatment at the moment, but wish to stay in school as I am almost half-way through my A-Levels. But I know that restraint in a clinic will cease to be an option if this destructive behaviour concedes further. For now, all I can do is take the days as they come, one step at a time, attempting to come to terms with myself and accept that the pain of anorexia is self-imposed, and that only I have the power to release it's grip on me... I just hope that I am strong enough soon.

    If you have read this, thank you ever so much. I know that I have written a lot, but it has definitely been worth it, to get it off of my chest and share my story. X
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    Whimsical, your story is incredibly harrowing. I'm sitting here totally understanding where you're coming from in terms of the things you felt. The overwhelming urges despite the frustrating knowledge that you were going wrong and KNEW you needed to stop, but couldn't.

    But wouldn't you agree that the acceptance of HAVING Anorexia Nervosa is almost like a huge step in itself? It changes everything. Suddenly you know why you are the way you are. You can quantify things. It may just be a label, but it gives you the ability research, to network, to understand. Suddenly you are not a freak; there are so many like you. Suddenly your silly reasonings aren't silly - they're founded, others are feeling them too, and they're terrifyingly powerful.

    I am so glad you've reached this point of acceptance and, with all mental illnesses, it may never be entirely healed from your mind, but I want to offer you all my love and strength in fighting it down to the ground with you. Your body, your mind, your spirit, none of them deserve to be treated the way they have. My body was dying. I didn't accept it but the figures showed otherwise. The charts showed otherwise. And you were too. Perhaps you still doubt it all, Whimsical; perhaps you still believe the ED is in charge and will keep you safe in that bubble, but fight it, or else one day, if we let this thing tighten around us too tight, we will have no bodies left to fight it with.

    They say the odd thing about anorexia nervosa in particular is that body regeneration is a prerequisite to mental regeneration - ie, you have to heal your body before you can get the mental therapy. You'd think it'd work the other way. But apparently not - hell, I don't care now. I want to be better, and I'm sure you do too.

    Good luck Whimsical, you're so brave to tell us all about your ordeal. XXX
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    (Original post by xoxAngel_Kxox)
    First of all, +rep.

    When I first started picking up on the fact that most threads you posted were about food, I thought that (no offence) you must be overweight.

    Angel, I thought that too, well, that he was six foot tall, built like a rugby player and really, REALLY enjoyed food.

    Its surprising how our opinions of others are formed on what they say/ how they act. Most of my year think of me as being really happy and smiley, they dont know half of the weird **** that happens in my head.

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