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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

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Applying to Uni? Let Universities come to you. Click here to get your perfect place 20-10-2014
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Angel, I thought that too, well, that he was six foot tall, built like a rugby player and really, REALLY enjoyed food.

    Its surprising how our opinions of others are formed on what they say/ how they act. Most of my year think of me as being really happy and smiley, they dont know half of the weird **** that happens in my head.
    This is kind of off topic, but I thought you were being really sweet calling me "Angel" and then I remembered I'd changed my user name :'( Hahaha x
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    (Original post by xoxAngel_Kxox)
    This is kind of off topic, but I thought you were being really sweet calling me "Angel" and then I remembered I'd changed my user name :'( Hahaha x
    nah, I generally drop all the ***_!# crazy stuff at the beginng of your username and use the first word/ abbreviation that your known as i.e. ISA = imsoacademic. So you become angel, Totomimo becomes toto, etc. I use this username on another forum, bizarrely enough i'm known as puddle there. Not QUITE sure how that happened, or alternatively 'OI, snowwy, **** off'. which i got quite a bit when we had the naff weather.
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    Oh man. These stories are so sad

    I couldn't imagine suffering like you do. I can't even begin to understand what it is like to have an ED.

    I wish the best of luck to all of you who've shared your stories... and I hope you manage to overcome your eating disorders.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    X
    This is so strange to read... From all of your threads I'd constructed an image of you as a contented food lover who just wanted to share his passion with everybody else.

    I feel odd now, commenting on your threads and having no idea for the true reasons behind them... People always asking how you can possibly think up so many food threads, and the reason being that you were always thinking about food.

    I guess the thing that makes this seem even more tragic is that you're a really nice and genuine person, and we all kind of felt like we gotten to know you, but didn't realise what you were going through :sad:

    I posted this comment a few days ago before I'd even read this thread: http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show...light=Totomimo

    You genuinely are one of the nicest people on TSR
    :yes:, I remember people starting up threads asking where you had gone just because you hadn't posted in a few days, so you know you have a lot of support!

    I really hope you conquer your demon. :jumphug:
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    That's a decidedly glamorous (and hopefully true) way of viewing this disease. Hopefully I can personally overcome it in this kinda way; just click! "man, what am I doing?!" - then better!
    The switch theory is totally how I got out of my EDNOS (exercise bulimia formed into purge type). Obviously I still have food obsessions and can't do exercise too much because it's easy to start becoming obsessed again.

    The thing is I didn't want to spend every meal worrying about how I would get rid of the food and realised I didn't want to die so seeked help etc.

    I really hope everyone on this thread stays strong and gets through it because you can and you deserve to not be controlled by this.
    #7

    argh.. this thread could not have come at a more appropriate time.

    i'm bulimic.. which is obviously different to a lot of the restricting stories here.. i can do food, i can do food a little too well. i've never been at an exceptionally low weight, although i have been 'underweight'. i do have phases of restricting, i'm in one right now, but mostly its this endless horrendous cycle of thinking, 'i'll just have one bar of chocolate/biscuit/slice of cake' and then a few hours later realising i've eaten the entire kitchen and spend the night in the bathroom. i can't explain a binge. it's like i go outside of myself, i don't even realise what i'm doing. i don't even particularly enjoy the food, its like i can't even taste it.

    i think the worst part of an ED, its that food just completly takes over your life. it is in everything i think about. it just controls me, everything about me.

    sometimes i wish i could just never ever have to deal with food ever again. food is my poison, but i can't physically live without it. i think i am currently slipping, i was doing well but as awful as it sounds this ED is like a comfort blanket. i know it. recovery is just the unknown, and i don't know if i can face it.

    chickened out, i'm posting anon. toto, i really really hope you can gain the weight you need. i know you can do it, we're all rooting for you! sending so much love your way xxx
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    First of all, Liam_G, I didn't see that thread you had posted in but I can't deny that really, really touched me. I didn't realise I was viewed in such a way but ultimately I am incredibly flattered and I have nothing but love, thanks and praise for your kindness

    To Liv1204, I say eating disorders are MENTAL illnesses. Even though you're low-end healthy BMI, you're still suffering it. There is even such a thing as an overweight anorexic! What I'm saying is weight and BMI is actually irrelevant when it comes to eating disorders; ultimately, if you obsessively, intensively, compulsively feel compelled to be driven entirely by food habits and regiments then you may well have an eating disorder... even if on the outside, you appear to be healthy. Catch it now, sweetheart, before it does proper damage. XX

    Finally to clo-clo and the anonymous poster - Some say that eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia never ever truly disappear from the mind. The remnants linger; your database of food knowledge, calories, fat, everything you "trained" yourself to believe is your correct routine cannot be unlearned or unheard, and thus you will always continue to have those feelings. But the underlying issues for WHY you have those compulsions can be determined, underpinned, and then stopped, leading you to the possibility that you could actually help yourself in the long run! Anonymous, sometimes the ED can manifest itself as like... a third party. Like this demon or a monkey on my shoulder, as I continue to call it. It's like it doesn't matter, as you are a separate entity from your body, and whatever damage you are doing isn't really happening to *you*. And as you said, the terrifying thing is, it becomes a comfort blanket. You become special. The things you do take meaning, because you've elevated food and food routines to a whole new level. You cannot fathom how people can just walk around and "grab a sandwich". Why are they not making a big deal out of it?! An ED sufferer places as much emphasis on a stick of chewing gum as a normal person would on say, Christmas dinner - it's an EVENT. Anonymous I sincerely hope you reconsider your position on recovery, because without it, the ED will just consume you and leave you a husk of a person. And I know.

    Once again thank you all for your words of encouragement. I checked the scale this morning for signs of uppage and it's very slow - but it's happening! I am simultaneously overjoyed - nobody wants NG feeding tubes forced down their nostrils as they stew in a hospital bed - and terrified as the ED barks disgusting insults at me, telling me how much I am losing control, getting huge, bloated, and heavy... xxx
    #8

    TotoMimo, I've been where you are and I've been NG fed. For me, my problems were largely a matter of control and tube feeding takes away all that control. In a way, it changed things; what was the point of choosing a flavour of squash that was 3 calories a cup rather than a flavour that was 4 calories when I was getting hundreds of extra calories via a tube?

    But I wish each day that it never came to a tube and just wish I could have put some of my control into a controlled way of gaining weight before it came to a hospitalisation. If I could have gained weight myself, it would have been tasty & edible calories rather than tube calories which you don't get to taste - well, not that you'd want to drink feed... it's horrible-smelling thick beige milk!

    You CAN do this. You have a wonderful way about words, a great sense of humour and a future that can only be achieved through regaining some weight. You have a huge amount to give this world.

    All the best - I mean it,
    xx
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    Anonymous, that is absolutely it, nail on head. I want to CHOOSE recovery. CHOOSE my recovery meals. EAT my calories to get better, and CONDITION my mind to accept that food is not my enemy. To have calories "wasted" by just pumping a generic paste into me isn't what I want... not by a long shot.

    The problem with anorexia is that, as your calories are so heavily restricted, when you DO eat, the foods you choose are filling a "premium slot" of calorific intake allowance. So you put that food on a pedestal, and the food becomes an event in itself. It becomes ritualistic, almost like it's the absolute most worthwhile commodity you can possibly have. So the thought of all that - shoved in a tube through the nose - it's almost not worth thinking about. I just see it as horrifically wasteful of something that I could be enjoying.

    Anon, I thank you wholeheartedly for every piece of advice, strength, and encouragement. I'm sorry you couldn't reveal your identity; nobody would judge you for who you are or what you've been through, but I understand your reasoning for wanting to stay anonymous. Your strength is an inspiration, and even if I have to hug you whilst you're wearing a mask, I'll do so with gusto!

    *HUUUUG*!
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    I'm really glad this thread popped up as I'd missed it before. The OP is, well, it's very insightful :P: .

    Have you considered trying to learn a new language; as that takes a lot of time and effort, and is something goal wise that might be more positive? Or is one of your over all aims to stop being as goal orientated?

    Hope everything is going well.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)

    Once again thank you all for your words of encouragement. I checked the scale this morning for signs of uppage and it's very slow - but it's happening! I am simultaneously overjoyed - nobody wants NG feeding tubes forced down their nostrils as they stew in a hospital bed - and terrified as the ED barks disgusting insults at me, telling me how much I am losing control, getting huge, bloated, and heavy... xxx
    I knew you'd do it!
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    Too Much Love, I understand the need to fill the void in my life that anorexia has completely consumed, once I have stifled it's evil effects. It's why I'm doing side-developments (iphone development etc) whilst I'm off my "real" game development job to try to keep my mind off the constant barrage of self-criticism and calculation/compulsion.

    And snowflake... it's not quick enough!! I have three more days and a full pound and a bit to go!
    #9

    First of all congratulations on the start of your recovery, yes it is a sad story seeing the difference between all the pictures but you are slowly starting to look better and more full of life in your most recent picture and I admire you greatly.

    I however am on the opposite side of the spectrum. I am 196lbs, 5'6 and aged 20. I never used to be this size, I was a healthy size 10 - 12 weighing around 10 and a half stone. That was about 4 years ago and I'm not sure what's happened since then.

    My mum died of an accidental overdose on perscription anti depresents when I was 15 and then I rarely ate for around a year without even realising it. I guess after that I sort of overcompensated and started to overeat.

    When I got to about 18 was when I started to get unhealthy, weighing around 13 stone yet I still didn't really realise it until other people started to mention it. The more they mentioned it the worse I felt so I would just eat more and more. by the time I was 19 I'd been with my boyfriend a year aswell so was feeling way too confident with him and all our activities seem to be based around eating.

    In the last year I've really noticed a problem so have been desperately trying to lose weight sensibly, I'd be doing really well for 8 weeks or so then blow it. Then try a crash diet and blow it. And all of this has now resulted in purging. This started around 9 months ago but was very rare so I thought nothing of it and didn't associate it with an eating disorder, just a cheat way out. It's now become regular, 2-3 times a week maybe. And whilst it's not always "binges" I go on before I purge, I think I'm eating more than a regular amount.

    I don't know whether this is EDNOS or bulimia, but I am starting to worry as it's getting to the point where I feel guilty if I eat and don't purge.

    It's getting to the point where whatever I eat, if there's noone home I will purge it. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm terrified about my teeth (vain I know) more than anything.

    I just seem to have lost all hope in sensible dieting and have no idea where to go from here. Can anyone help me?
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    Anonymous, what you've just described is definitely a bulimia-type eating disorder. Well done you, on revealing your demons to us, and don't feel shame for it. You're suffering this, it's not something you asked for.

    Incidentally the worst possible aspect of an eating disorder is that food is both your crutch and your enemy; it's the disease and the cure. Like you said, you've determined that food has become an obsession but you have also used it as a comfort. This process of binge-purge is definitely one associated with bulimia, but the underlying issues are yet to reveal themselves completely it seems.

    What you need to do is, like I mentioned before to another person, tell someone. A close family member... your GP... anyone. Let someone else into that bubble you've created. I use the metaphor again - you'll flail in the water forever until someone on the shore throws you a line to help you reel yourself in. Someone you can talk to and explain this overwhelming compulsion you have.

    In many senses you need to vent the burden in open air before you yourself fully understand it. Maybe hearing it spoken out loud, you can make some revelations about why this crutch is so important and why you insist that purging is the way to "cure" yourself of the food you've been eating.

    From there it's a case of slowly but surely understanding that food is a mere component of your life, not the controller. Of course I am no real role model for anyone nor should I be giving out advice given the disorder's current grip around my neck, but this is genuinely the best course of action for you.

    Stay in touch on this forum. All my love, anonymous, and let us know how you proceed. Most importantly, do something TODAY. Not "soon", not "when I muster up the courage". Just do it, just take action. Or you'll always make excuses for it, you'll always be pandering to your disorder. You'll start to talk yourself out of it. And it's not worth it; trust me!
    #10

    I was a 12 stone 5"10 female. Im now a 7 stone 5"10 female.

    I lost that weight in 10 months after what was a diet, turned into eating 3 apples per day.

    I starved and staved so much, that now Im bulimic. I dont eat at all during the day and then binge and purge during the night. The purging is making me have some really bad body dsymorphia, because i cant get it into my head that im purging what im eating. :sad:

    Eurgh i wish this had never began
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I have three more days and a full pound and a bit to go!
    :jumphug: This has made my day! Well done for getting to this point, it's a long road but you're heading in the right direction and I'm so SO happy for you. :^_^: You deserve nothing less than recovery.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)

    And snowflake... it's not quick enough!! I have three more days and a full pound and a bit to go!
    But you're going in the right direction! Could be worse, you could've lost another half a pound!
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    Im currently at the beggings of homefully a full recovery ..... Im 5"8 with a BMI of 14
    Ive always had OCD and ASD issued but going to uni and living in horrendous situations has caused it to spiral out of controll and unfortunatly its meant food had become a terrifying, obsessive habit of mine with everything planned and weight and counted...leaving me no way to eat with people and no way out
    Ive never been big....my highest bmi ws 17.5 but i now look awful and even i can see that but im scared.....terrified of eating more and gaining the weight i need, but im going to try....for my health and my family

    but cani just ask any people who have recovered.....how do you not count and not worry? i so desperatly want to go back to eating without thinking , it just seems so impossible right now
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    (Original post by Still_Searching)
    Im currently at the beggings of homefully a full recovery ..... Im 5"8 with a BMI of 14
    Ive always had OCD and ASD issued but going to uni and living in horrendous situations has caused it to spiral out of controll and unfortunatly its meant food had become a terrifying, obsessive habit of mine with everything planned and weight and counted...leaving me no way to eat with people and no way out
    Ive never been big....my highest bmi ws 17.5 but i now look awful and even i can see that but im scared.....terrified of eating more and gaining the weight i need, but im going to try....for my health and my family

    but cani just ask any people who have recovered.....how do you not count and not worry? i so desperatly want to go back to eating without thinking , it just seems so impossible right now
    Honestly? I still count (not on purpose, but I mean, I have much more of an awareness of the calories in all my food compared to the average person just because of my past), and I still worry...but it's all about allowing yourself to be happy and to be healthy. Try new foods that you don't know the calories for, don't allow yourself to look, just enjoy the food. Or let yourself count, but let that count go a lot higher than normal.
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    I really admire you for putting your story out there. There are so many misconceptions surrounding eating disorders. Like you said, for example, it's so much more than mere vanity. Its an illness that kills and robs people of their lives. I hope you can keep strong in battleing the illness.

    I've had Anorexia for about 5 years now. It started around the age of 13, after a few difficult events. Although I had issues with food/ weight/ perfection etc... from the age of 8. Restricting became a way to cope. I felt in control, in a world where I felt so out of control. I also had very low self esteem and little confidence. I punished myself through restriction. Slowly things got worse, and aged 14, mum took me off the the doctors where I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa and refered to a specialist. Slowly the weight went back on after being threatened with hospital. I remember feeling like a zombie, just eating away. Feeling so confused that things had gotten so bad. I just felt like any other 14 year old.
    After a few months the daze wore off, and I snapped. I lost the weight and then a few months later was admitted to hospital for 5 months.
    I came out and relapsed pretty quickly. I had to drop out of school, so I taught myself. Being quite perfectionistic I put alot of pressure on myself to get the top grades I was predicited. But after the exams I was readmitted to hospital on a childrens ward where I was on a NG tube for 3 weeks. I was then sectioned and sent to a specialist unit. I stayed on the NG for about a month and then slowly worked on to solids. I stayed there for 4 months.
    Relapsed after a month, resectioned and stayed for 7 months.
    Now, my weight is slipping and i've dropped out of college. for the second time. I life my life like a recluse. Not an 18 year old. I so desperatly want to be free and happy, but I feel trapped. I'd like one day to be free of it or atleast less controled. One day!

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