[broken_rose]

I really admire you for putting your story out there. There are so many misconceptions surrounding eating disorders. Like you said, for example, it's so much more than mere vanity. Its an illness that kills and robs people of their lives. I hope you can keep strong in battleing the illness.

I've had Anorexia for about 5 years now. It started around the age of 13, after a few difficult events. Although I had issues with food/ weight/ perfection etc... from the age of 8. Restricting became a way to cope. I felt in control, in a world where I felt so out of control. I also had very low self esteem and little confidence. I punished myself through restriction. Slowly things got worse, and aged 14, mum took me off the the doctors where I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa and refered to a specialist. Slowly the weight went back on after being threatened with hospital. I remember feeling like a zombie, just eating away. Feeling so confused that things had gotten so bad. I just felt like any other 14 year old.
After a few months the daze wore off, and I snapped. I lost the weight and then a few months later was admitted to hospital for 5 months.
I came out and relapsed pretty quickly. I had to drop out of school, so I taught myself. Being quite perfectionistic I put alot of pressure on myself to get the top grades I was predicited. But after the exams I was readmitted to hospital on a childrens ward where I was on a NG tube for 3 weeks. I was then sectioned and sent to a specialist unit. I stayed on the NG for about a month and then slowly worked on to solids. I stayed there for 4 months.
Relapsed after a month, resectioned and stayed for 7 months.
Now, my weight is slipping and i've dropped out of college. for the second time. I life my life like a recluse. Not an 18 year old. I so desperatly want to be free and happy, but I feel trapped. I'd like one day to be free of it or atleast less controled. One day!

[Anonymous]

I wish everyone who has posted so far luck with their recovery. I am a binge eater/ bulimia non-purging type. I go through phases of restricted and binging and exercising. Of late it has been binging without the exercise or restricting. Every single day is a struggle for me, and I'm getting more and more overwhelmed with this illness. Like some people have mentioned, eating disorders well and truly take over every single aspect of your life. They are time consuming, energy consuming and emotion consuming. I've only ever told one person about my problems and this was a guy I befriended over the internet. No one I see on a day to basis knows about my condition, although my weight is going up and up. They must think I'm a lazy bitch. I neglect myself. I realised today that all of my clothes are tight, and over 3 years old. I don't buy new things because I refuse to buy a bigger size. I refuse to accept my weight. I know that I must be able to recover from all this binging and to recover means to lose weight and get back down to my bmi of 20. I haven't got high aspirations to be super skinny, I just want to like myself again.

Do any of you feel like this? I often feel so alone, and stresses in life just go from bad to worse. Then worse again. I just cannot cope any more. I have demanding day to day activities with not much opportunity to see anyone regularly for some proper help. I'm really quite stuck.

The friend over the internet that I told was so kind, well meaning, but he didn't have a clue really. He probably thinks I'm nuts.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure if you would class this as a start of eating disorder but the last 5 months I would say I have been having issues with food. For a couple of weeks I will restrict my food intake and exercise like mad and then for a week or two I will eat normally, sometimes binge and then because i feel so guilty and also i feel fat and ugly i will abuse laxatives. Then I would go back to restricting my food intake.
My family have seen this happening, and keep asking me about food, and i would have ago at them and find myself eating to keep them happy. I also find myself lying about how much i have eaten because if i say what i actually eat I know my sister would have ago at me.
I honestly hate myself because i believe i look fat and need to lose more weight, i have lost nearly a stone in weight in the last 5 months. Were i used to comfort eat, i find that if i am upset i would rather go to the gym and do a really good workout.
I am just looking for advice really. thank you

[TotoMimo]

Anonymous this DEFINITELY sounds like the start of an eating disorder, and it's progressed further than you probably think.

You need to nip it in the bud now!

To the previous anon (all this anon is confusing) - Your denial is not completely outrageous. As our disorders are by nature, mental and deceptive, it's only right that your denial should cloud your ability to accept that this issue is properly out of hand. I won't deny that personally I worry that if I'm not anorexic and restricting, I might go the other way and suddenly start to gorge wildly, but in the end I understand it's all just down to my obsession with control and food in general. Food is a life block, a component, not the be-all-end-all.

To both of you I reiterate the piece of information I've given throughout the thread - you NEED to establish a local support network, which could be as simple as telling your parents or discussing with a pal. It might seem harsh or embarrassing at first to say and hear all the things out loud, to another person, because you think, as I do, that people will think you're nuts or off-kilter somehow. But in reality these are compulsions we have triggered from something either traumatic or significant, and any mental injury is no laughing matter, and anyone that cares enough about you will ultimately know that.

[TotoMimo]

PS, I managed to JUST stay out of hospital, I didn't manage to gain the full Kilo, but I managed just over a pound!! At my latest weigh-in, I was 94lb. It's scary as hell but the eating disorder specialist discussed it with the main dietician and thinks I am doing enough - JUST enough - in terms of results to allow me to stay out and try even harder. She wants me to gain a kilo a week consistently.

This is a terrifying prospect but as she says I am still hovering around 14.9-15 BMI range, which is brutally underweight and on the rainbow chart, is "severe anorexia nervosa". Still, when I see myself in the mirror, I see the fat forming, I see the wobbly bits whether they exist or not.

Interestingly enough my waist at the navel has increased to 26" - 2" more than it was. Dad says it's my body bloating from actually getting some food as opposed to me just getting pure fat, but I obviously freak out.

It's clearly something that will be difficult to overcome. I am aware of how stupid it must all sound to an outsider but to me, it is both logically the correct thing to do, to gain weight to be healthy - and terrifying at the feeling of loss of control.

I have been limited to 15 minutes exercise (walking is maximum level of exertion) per day too, so now I feel like a lazy bum and it's getting more and more difficult to keep my mind off how this is all just an exercise in gaining pure weight. Like every thing you've conditioned yourself for, you're just doing the opposite. Swimming upstream.

Grr. I need to be stronger than this.

[Anonymous]

I hate how amongst many other things I use this ED to numb out emotional pain as much as I can and the fact that when I am exposed to something which makes me emotionally vulnerable it exacerbates my ED behaviours. I feel that if I can control something like this I can control the rest of my life i.e: emotions. Although it doesn't help that I am a perfectionist and have BDD which I feel transitioned into an ED. I am losing my will to live, each day I feel more 'dead' and suicidal and I have no idea what to do, I cannot cope, my mind is all clouded and I don't even think I will manage university any more. I feel I am pushing people away too which makes me feel even worse, I am a selfish person, putting people through so much pain.

[smilee172]

(Original post by briesandwich)
I may not be 100% better physically, but mentally I'm in a far better place than I was a year ago. I've worked very hard to get where I am now and having the chance to help others is my motivation to continue battling.

Sorry if that seems like I'm snapping at you a bit, I've thought long and hard about this issue and I see completely where you're coming from. If by September I hadn't improved considerably I would definitely delay my course, but right now I'm in a positive frame of mind and after hearing today that I've gained a lot more weight I can only see things going up from here. Thank you for caring though, it honestly means a lot.

I would agree with what the anonymous poster has said - as a mental health professional myself I have seen a lot of people undertake courses as uni in the hope that they can 'give back' to the profession which has helped them so much, and as they feel they have the insight to make them a truly understanding and empathic professional, it can bring a lot of problems to surface. I have known a lot of people do the course who have their own history of mental health problems, and have had to quit or delay the course numerous times for the problems it has brought up for them. I am not for one minute suggesting you don't go ahead, but just make sure you are feeling as fit and healthy mentally as you can possibly be before you undertake the course, because you can't begin to nurse someone else's mental health until your own is strong. Just imagine you get placed on an eating disorders ward, you need to be sure that you will be strong enough to work in that kind of environment before you go ahead.

Sorry if this comes across badly, or insultingly, it is purely out of interest for your best wishes.

And Totomimi, thanks for sharing your story

[TotoMimo]

Anon don't give up. I don't know quite your scenario and to that end I'm unable to give you specific advice but I do know I too feel compelled and incredibly urgent when it comes to beating goals, self competition, and perfectionism.

This is something that CAN be controlled. I have been placed on some (terrifyingly named but ultimately harmless) anti-depressant anti-psychotic medications which can root your "evil inner voice" which is intent on causing you pain.

Eating disorders often exhibit themselves in quite terrifying ways. You isolate. You discriminate. You absolutely contest everything you do. "Don't try that on." "Don't eat that." "Don't change the routine".

You're trapped and your routine, your habits, your compulsions, are all you know.

Anon, you are not being selfish. This is a disease. You are suffering this disease as I am. And we need to fight it, because WE deserve to live... LIVE - not merely EXIST.

[briesandwich]

(Original post by TotoMimo)
PS, I managed to JUST stay out of hospital, I didn't manage to gain the full Kilo, but I managed just over a pound!! At my latest weigh-in, I was 94lb. It's scary as hell but the eating disorder specialist discussed it with the main dietician and thinks I am doing enough - JUST enough - in terms of results to allow me to stay out and try even harder. She wants me to gain a kilo a week consistently.

This is a terrifying prospect but as she says I am still hovering around 14.9-15 BMI range, which is brutally underweight and on the rainbow chart, is "severe anorexia nervosa". Still, when I see myself in the mirror, I see the fat forming, I see the wobbly bits whether they exist or not.

Interestingly enough my waist at the navel has increased to 26" - 2" more than it was. Dad says it's my body bloating from actually getting some food as opposed to me just getting pure fat, but I obviously freak out.

It's clearly something that will be difficult to overcome. I am aware of how stupid it must all sound to an outsider but to me, it is both logically the correct thing to do, to gain weight to be healthy - and terrifying at the feeling of loss of control.

I have been limited to 15 minutes exercise (walking is maximum level of exertion) per day too, so now I feel like a lazy bum and it's getting more and more difficult to keep my mind off how this is all just an exercise in gaining pure weight. Like every thing you've conditioned yourself for, you're just doing the opposite. Swimming upstream.

Grr. I need to be stronger than this.

As always I extend a massive MASSIVE hug to you! And of course, a congratulations. What an achievement!

I can relate to this in so many ways, I've completely stopped the compulsive exercising now, I did that before I started eating more and still struggle with that "lazy bum" feeling. The best thing you can do is try and keep your mind off it, channel your energy into a project.

Your Dad is right btw. My stomach bloats like a complete puffer-fish after I've eaten and it can get really uncomfortable. All I can recommend is a hot water bottle to sooth discomfort. But I can promise you that it's not rolls of fat. I promise. I had my dietician basically ask me "Why on earth would your body put on fat when it needs to repair your organs, bones, and muscles first?". And logically it makes sense doesn't it? Because people always say you gain weight where it was last lost. And for us that is our heart, bone etc.

Sorry if I seem really patronising. I'm just rambling on about this because I'm really struggling with similar thoughts at the moment...stress of exams and all. But the more I tell it to myself and others, the more I hope for it to actually sink in. Anyway, I'm really really flippin' happy to hear you've gained, you totally deserve to get better.

[briesandwich]

(Original post by smilee172)
I would agree with what the anonymous poster has said - as a mental health professional myself I have seen a lot of people undertake courses as uni in the hope that they can 'give back' to the profession which has helped them so much, and as they feel they have the insight to make them a truly understanding and empathic professional, it can bring a lot of problems to surface. I have known a lot of people do the course who have their own history of mental health problems, and have had to quit or delay the course numerous times for the problems it has brought up for them. I am not for one minute suggesting you don't go ahead, but just make sure you are feeling as fit and healthy mentally as you can possibly be before you undertake the course, because you can't begin to nurse someone else's mental health until your own is strong. Just imagine you get placed on an eating disorders ward, you need to be sure that you will be strong enough to work in that kind of environment before you go ahead.

Sorry if this comes across badly, or insultingly, it is purely out of interest for your best wishes.

Oh gosh no! It's in no way insulting! I agree, and that's why I'm now gaining weight and working very hard to get better (and of course to do well in exams. ). I know that if I keep going in the right direction as I am, I'll be more than ready when the time comes, but if the worse did happen then I wouldn't start the degree until I was better. It's sorta why I've firmed mental health nursing, but have psychology as my insurance just in case.
Honestly though, thank you for replying. It means a lot that you're thinking in my best interest

[Anonymous]

(Original post by TotoMimo)
Anon don't give up. I don't know quite your scenario and to that end I'm unable to give you specific advice but I do know I too feel compelled and incredibly urgent when it comes to beating goals, self competition, and perfectionism.

This is something that CAN be controlled. I have been placed on some (terrifyingly named but ultimately harmless) anti-depressant anti-psychotic medications which can root your "evil inner voice" which is intent on causing you pain.

Eating disorders often exhibit themselves in quite terrifying ways. You isolate. You discriminate. You absolutely contest everything you do. "Don't try that on." "Don't eat that." "Don't change the routine".

You're trapped and your routine, your habits, your compulsions, are all you know.

Anon, you are not being selfish. This is a disease. You are suffering this disease as I am. And we need to fight it, because WE deserve to live... LIVE - not merely EXIST.

Thanks. I've noticed recently that I seem to feel more sensitive than usual too? I'm constantly over analysing everything that people say and always assume that whatever they're saying is an attack at me even if it isn't... it's just me being sensitive. I don't even know why I am being so negative with what other people are saying to me recently but it is depressing me.

Is it also true that your parents can section you without your consent? I am 22...

[smilee172]

(Original post by briesandwich)
Oh gosh no! It's in no way insulting! I agree, and that's why I'm now gaining weight and working very hard to get better (and of course to do well in exams. ). I know that if I keep going in the right direction as I am, I'll be more than ready when the time comes, but if the worse did happen then I wouldn't start the degree until I was better. It's sorta why I've firmed mental health nursing, but have psychology as my insurance just in case.
Honestly though, thank you for replying. It means a lot that you're thinking in my best interest

Well I wish you all the best with the course you sound passionate about it and that's exactly the kind of nurses that the profession needs!

[smilee172]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks. I've noticed recently that I seem to feel more sensitive than usual too? I'm constantly over analysing everything that people say and always assume that whatever they're saying is an attack at me even if it isn't... it's just me being sensitive. I don't even know why I am being so negative with what other people are saying to me recently but it is depressing me.

Is it also true that your parents can section you without your consent? I am 22...

Sectioning is generally being admitted to hospital without your consent. Your parents don't have the power to section you as such, but could request a mental health act assessment. If you hospital admission was necessary and you were agreeable to this, you would be admitted informally. If you did not agree, you would be sectioned. In a nutshell, if you were consenting, then you wouldn't be sectioned.

[TotoMimo]

Anon, I agree with the sensitivity thing. "you're looking healthier" instantly, to me, means "wow, you're gaining weight." You scrutinise the most absurd things, don't you?

Anyway, I am 26 and as adults, legal adults, we are responsible and liable for our own actions. Our parents can only advise at this point. That's why, as a sufferer, anon, you need to make that decision for yourself I'm afraid. This is a blessing and a curse; you need to recognise and TAKE that first step yourself. And you should. I have and I promise you, despite the emotional turmoil it's produced, you need to do it or else it'll eventually kill you. And being dead sucks, despite my inability to comment on first-hand experience.

Anon, seriously. I struggle every day with this. But I struggle knowing I will eventually have this by the balls and win. The logical reasoning states one thing and the disorder states another, but you know what's right.

Briesandwich, you are absolutely an inspiration and I implore everyone in this thread to rep her up. You are an absolute hero to me to have endured this entire process without pure madness, and you have nothing but my absolute respect.

[SoapyDish]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Is it also true that your parents can section you without your consent? I am 22...

I think you can be sectioned against your consent if you're posing a serious danger to yourself.

Something from a psychiatric journal

When a patient of whatever age, who has the ability to understand their choices regarding the illness and treatment offered, refuses consent

In these circumstances our approach tends to be as follows:

• Check that the patient has been given and understood all the relevant information regarding the risks and consequences of their not consenting to the treatment offered.
  
• Involve significant others, for example the family, in the discussion.
  
• Check that we understand what it is that the patient is not consenting to, for example, the whole treatment package or a particular aspect.
  
• Check that we understand what the patient is proposing and consider how feasible this is.
  
• Take a view as to how crucial the treatment being refused is, and how urgent.
  
• If it is not crucial or urgent, for example, a slight further weight gain that we would prefer but which may or may not make any difference to the patient's health or prognosis, then we would tend to accept the refusal to consent and attempt to continue with a motivationally-based collaborative approach.
  
• If the treatment concerned is crucial and urgent, for example, weight restoration in a patient with bradycardia and arrhythmia secondary to low weight, then we are prepared to provide treatment without consent but under the terms of the appropriate legislation. This may be under the Mental Health Act 1983. The Mental Health Act Commission (Guidance Note 3; 1997) has clarified that anorexia nervosa is a mental disorder under the terms of the Act and that compulsory feeding may be a medical treatment in this context. The Government's Green Paper on Reform of the Mental Health Act also proposes that "feeding contrary to the will of the patient" should be considered a "specified treatment" (Department of Health, 1999). Patients aged below 18 who withhold consent, even if they fully understand the issues, may also be treated with their parents' consent under the terms of the Children Act 1989 (see below).

[Potiron]

(Original post by TotoMimo)
I have and I promise you, despite the emotional turmoil it's produced, you need to do it or else it'll eventually kill you. And being dead sucks, despite my inability to comment on first-hand experience.

I've just repped another of your posts on this thread but I wish that I'd repped this more. You're an inspiration, Toto, and an amazing person. I sincerely hope you overcome this. I have to say, it was a hell of a shock to find out the reasoning behind your fantastic threads on TSR, and the pictures in your OP are frankly terrifying.

I wish you the very best of luck

[Melting Sugar.]

(Original post by TotoMimo)
WE deserve to live... LIVE - not merely EXIST.

A very good quote if I may say so.

[TotoMimo]

Thank you Potiron, Sugar. I appreciate that wholeheartedly.

But it's really quite daunting to hear how many people are experiencing their own issues - moreover, just how varied these problems are exhibited. You MUST have someone else know what you're going through or else this is only going to get worse, and I'm sure we on here are all happy and willing to listen to your stories and be here for moral support until you establish your own support network. However I do suggest you don't wait to do so; We are, after all, just people on an internet site, and as such we can't give you specific information relevant to you as an individual.

Only the love and help from your family, friends or supportive other can give you the the shoulder to lean on sufficiently to give you the final boost you need to take the real big step into the world of recovery.

[Wildebeest]

What an excellent thread. Good luck to you, Toto, and indeed, everyone else who has posted their own experiences in here. It really is uplifting to hear about you persevering through the difficult times and now being able to share your knowledge with others.

[TotoMimo]

Thanks Wildebeest. There's neither shame nor glory in coming forward to talk about it. This is solely for the purpose of bringing us all together to discuss what can be a potentially very debilitating group of illnesses.

As we've read already there are so many variations of ED. I just hope everyone here gets the support they deserve to break free; even if the information they receive on TSR is of the general variety.