Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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I am not sure if you would class this as a start of eating disorder but the last 5 months I would say I have been having issues with food. For a couple of weeks I will restrict my food intake and exercise like mad and then for a week or two I will eat normally, sometimes binge and then because i feel so guilty and also i feel fat and ugly i will abuse laxatives. Then I would go back to restricting my food intake.
My family have seen this happening, and keep asking me about food, and i would have ago at them and find myself eating to keep them happy. I also find myself lying about how much i have eaten because if i say what i actually eat I know my sister would have ago at me.
I honestly hate myself because i believe i look fat and need to lose more weight, i have lost nearly a stone in weight in the last 5 months. Were i used to comfort eat, i find that if i am upset i would rather go to the gym and do a really good workout.
I am just looking for advice really. thank you
My family have seen this happening, and keep asking me about food, and i would have ago at them and find myself eating to keep them happy. I also find myself lying about how much i have eaten because if i say what i actually eat I know my sister would have ago at me.
I honestly hate myself because i believe i look fat and need to lose more weight, i have lost nearly a stone in weight in the last 5 months. Were i used to comfort eat, i find that if i am upset i would rather go to the gym and do a really good workout.
I am just looking for advice really. thank you
Anonymous this DEFINITELY sounds like the start of an eating disorder, and it's progressed further than you probably think.
You need to nip it in the bud now!
To the previous anon (all this anon is confusing) - Your denial is not completely outrageous. As our disorders are by nature, mental and deceptive, it's only right that your denial should cloud your ability to accept that this issue is properly out of hand. I won't deny that personally I worry that if I'm not anorexic and restricting, I might go the other way and suddenly start to gorge wildly, but in the end I understand it's all just down to my obsession with control and food in general. Food is a life block, a component, not the be-all-end-all.
To both of you I reiterate the piece of information I've given throughout the thread - you NEED to establish a local support network, which could be as simple as telling your parents or discussing with a pal. It might seem harsh or embarrassing at first to say and hear all the things out loud, to another person, because you think, as I do, that people will think you're nuts or off-kilter somehow. But in reality these are compulsions we have triggered from something either traumatic or significant, and any mental injury is no laughing matter, and anyone that cares enough about you will ultimately know that.
You need to nip it in the bud now!
To the previous anon (all this anon is confusing) - Your denial is not completely outrageous. As our disorders are by nature, mental and deceptive, it's only right that your denial should cloud your ability to accept that this issue is properly out of hand. I won't deny that personally I worry that if I'm not anorexic and restricting, I might go the other way and suddenly start to gorge wildly, but in the end I understand it's all just down to my obsession with control and food in general. Food is a life block, a component, not the be-all-end-all.
To both of you I reiterate the piece of information I've given throughout the thread - you NEED to establish a local support network, which could be as simple as telling your parents or discussing with a pal. It might seem harsh or embarrassing at first to say and hear all the things out loud, to another person, because you think, as I do, that people will think you're nuts or off-kilter somehow. But in reality these are compulsions we have triggered from something either traumatic or significant, and any mental injury is no laughing matter, and anyone that cares enough about you will ultimately know that.
PS, I managed to JUST stay out of hospital, I didn't manage to gain the full Kilo, but I managed just over a pound!! At my latest weigh-in, I was 94lb. It's scary as hell but the eating disorder specialist discussed it with the main dietician and thinks I am doing enough - JUST enough - in terms of results to allow me to stay out and try even harder. She wants me to gain a kilo a week consistently.
This is a terrifying prospect but as she says I am still hovering around 14.9-15 BMI range, which is brutally underweight and on the rainbow chart, is "severe anorexia nervosa". Still, when I see myself in the mirror, I see the fat forming, I see the wobbly bits whether they exist or not.
Interestingly enough my waist at the navel has increased to 26" - 2" more than it was. Dad says it's my body bloating from actually getting some food as opposed to me just getting pure fat, but I obviously freak out.
It's clearly something that will be difficult to overcome. I am aware of how stupid it must all sound to an outsider but to me, it is both logically the correct thing to do, to gain weight to be healthy - and terrifying at the feeling of loss of control.
I have been limited to 15 minutes exercise (walking is maximum level of exertion) per day too, so now I feel like a lazy bum and it's getting more and more difficult to keep my mind off how this is all just an exercise in gaining pure weight. Like every thing you've conditioned yourself for, you're just doing the opposite. Swimming upstream.
Grr. I need to be stronger than this.
This is a terrifying prospect but as she says I am still hovering around 14.9-15 BMI range, which is brutally underweight and on the rainbow chart, is "severe anorexia nervosa". Still, when I see myself in the mirror, I see the fat forming, I see the wobbly bits whether they exist or not.
Interestingly enough my waist at the navel has increased to 26" - 2" more than it was. Dad says it's my body bloating from actually getting some food as opposed to me just getting pure fat, but I obviously freak out.
It's clearly something that will be difficult to overcome. I am aware of how stupid it must all sound to an outsider but to me, it is both logically the correct thing to do, to gain weight to be healthy - and terrifying at the feeling of loss of control.
I have been limited to 15 minutes exercise (walking is maximum level of exertion) per day too, so now I feel like a lazy bum and it's getting more and more difficult to keep my mind off how this is all just an exercise in gaining pure weight. Like every thing you've conditioned yourself for, you're just doing the opposite. Swimming upstream.
Grr. I need to be stronger than this.
I hate how amongst many other things I use this ED to numb out emotional pain as much as I can and the fact that when I am exposed to something which makes me emotionally vulnerable it exacerbates my ED behaviours. I feel that if I can control something like this I can control the rest of my life i.e: emotions. Although it doesn't help that I am a perfectionist and have BDD which I feel transitioned into an ED. I am losing my will to live, each day I feel more 'dead' and suicidal and I have no idea what to do, I cannot cope, my mind is all clouded and I don't even think I will manage university any more. I feel I am pushing people away too which makes me feel even worse, I am a selfish person, putting people through so much pain.
Original post by briesandwich
Original post by briesandwich
I may not be 100% better physically, but mentally I'm in a far better place than I was a year ago. I've worked very hard to get where I am now and having the chance to help others is my motivation to continue battling.
Sorry if that seems like I'm snapping at you a bit, I've thought long and hard about this issue and I see completely where you're coming from. If by September I hadn't improved considerably I would definitely delay my course, but right now I'm in a positive frame of mind and after hearing today that I've gained a lot more weight I can only see things going up from here. Thank you for caring though, it honestly means a lot.
Sorry if that seems like I'm snapping at you a bit, I've thought long and hard about this issue and I see completely where you're coming from. If by September I hadn't improved considerably I would definitely delay my course, but right now I'm in a positive frame of mind and after hearing today that I've gained a lot more weight I can only see things going up from here. Thank you for caring though, it honestly means a lot.
I would agree with what the anonymous poster has said - as a mental health professional myself I have seen a lot of people undertake courses as uni in the hope that they can 'give back' to the profession which has helped them so much, and as they feel they have the insight to make them a truly understanding and empathic professional, it can bring a lot of problems to surface. I have known a lot of people do the course who have their own history of mental health problems, and have had to quit or delay the course numerous times for the problems it has brought up for them. I am not for one minute suggesting you don't go ahead, but just make sure you are feeling as fit and healthy mentally as you can possibly be before you undertake the course, because you can't begin to nurse someone else's mental health until your own is strong. Just imagine you get placed on an eating disorders ward, you need to be sure that you will be strong enough to work in that kind of environment before you go ahead.
Sorry if this comes across badly, or insultingly, it is purely out of interest for your best wishes.
And Totomimi, thanks for sharing your story
Anon don't give up. I don't know quite your scenario and to that end I'm unable to give you specific advice but I do know I too feel compelled and incredibly urgent when it comes to beating goals, self competition, and perfectionism.
This is something that CAN be controlled. I have been placed on some (terrifyingly named but ultimately harmless) anti-depressant anti-psychotic medications which can root your "evil inner voice" which is intent on causing you pain.
Eating disorders often exhibit themselves in quite terrifying ways. You isolate. You discriminate. You absolutely contest everything you do. "Don't try that on." "Don't eat that." "Don't change the routine".
You're trapped and your routine, your habits, your compulsions, are all you know.
Anon, you are not being selfish. This is a disease. You are suffering this disease as I am. And we need to fight it, because WE deserve to live... LIVE - not merely EXIST.
This is something that CAN be controlled. I have been placed on some (terrifyingly named but ultimately harmless) anti-depressant anti-psychotic medications which can root your "evil inner voice" which is intent on causing you pain.
Eating disorders often exhibit themselves in quite terrifying ways. You isolate. You discriminate. You absolutely contest everything you do. "Don't try that on." "Don't eat that." "Don't change the routine".
You're trapped and your routine, your habits, your compulsions, are all you know.
Anon, you are not being selfish. This is a disease. You are suffering this disease as I am. And we need to fight it, because WE deserve to live... LIVE - not merely EXIST.
Original post by TotoMimo
PS, I managed to JUST stay out of hospital, I didn't manage to gain the full Kilo, but I managed just over a pound!! At my latest weigh-in, I was 94lb. It's scary as hell but the eating disorder specialist discussed it with the main dietician and thinks I am doing enough - JUST enough - in terms of results to allow me to stay out and try even harder. She wants me to gain a kilo a week consistently.
This is a terrifying prospect but as she says I am still hovering around 14.9-15 BMI range, which is brutally underweight and on the rainbow chart, is "severe anorexia nervosa". Still, when I see myself in the mirror, I see the fat forming, I see the wobbly bits whether they exist or not.
Interestingly enough my waist at the navel has increased to 26" - 2" more than it was. Dad says it's my body bloating from actually getting some food as opposed to me just getting pure fat, but I obviously freak out.
It's clearly something that will be difficult to overcome. I am aware of how stupid it must all sound to an outsider but to me, it is both logically the correct thing to do, to gain weight to be healthy - and terrifying at the feeling of loss of control.
I have been limited to 15 minutes exercise (walking is maximum level of exertion) per day too, so now I feel like a lazy bum and it's getting more and more difficult to keep my mind off how this is all just an exercise in gaining pure weight. Like every thing you've conditioned yourself for, you're just doing the opposite. Swimming upstream.
Grr. I need to be stronger than this.
This is a terrifying prospect but as she says I am still hovering around 14.9-15 BMI range, which is brutally underweight and on the rainbow chart, is "severe anorexia nervosa". Still, when I see myself in the mirror, I see the fat forming, I see the wobbly bits whether they exist or not.
Interestingly enough my waist at the navel has increased to 26" - 2" more than it was. Dad says it's my body bloating from actually getting some food as opposed to me just getting pure fat, but I obviously freak out.
It's clearly something that will be difficult to overcome. I am aware of how stupid it must all sound to an outsider but to me, it is both logically the correct thing to do, to gain weight to be healthy - and terrifying at the feeling of loss of control.
I have been limited to 15 minutes exercise (walking is maximum level of exertion) per day too, so now I feel like a lazy bum and it's getting more and more difficult to keep my mind off how this is all just an exercise in gaining pure weight. Like every thing you've conditioned yourself for, you're just doing the opposite. Swimming upstream.
Grr. I need to be stronger than this.
As always I extend a massive MASSIVE hug to you! And of course, a congratulations.
What an achievement!I can relate to this in so many ways, I've completely stopped the compulsive exercising now, I did that before I started eating more and still struggle with that "lazy bum" feeling. The best thing you can do is try and keep your mind off it, channel your energy into a project.
Your Dad is right btw.
My stomach bloats like a complete puffer-fish after I've eaten and it can get really uncomfortable. 
All I can recommend is a hot water bottle to sooth discomfort. But I can promise you that it's not rolls of fat. I promise. I had my dietician basically ask me "Why on earth would your body put on fat when it needs to repair your organs, bones, and muscles first?". And logically it makes sense doesn't it? Because people always say you gain weight where it was last lost. And for us that is our heart, bone etc. Sorry if I seem really patronising.
I'm just rambling on about this because I'm really struggling with similar thoughts at the moment...stress of exams and all. But the more I tell it to myself and others, the more I hope for it to actually sink in. Anyway, I'm really really flippin' happy to hear you've gained, you totally deserve to get better. Original post by smilee172
I would agree with what the anonymous poster has said - as a mental health professional myself I have seen a lot of people undertake courses as uni in the hope that they can 'give back' to the profession which has helped them so much, and as they feel they have the insight to make them a truly understanding and empathic professional, it can bring a lot of problems to surface. I have known a lot of people do the course who have their own history of mental health problems, and have had to quit or delay the course numerous times for the problems it has brought up for them. I am not for one minute suggesting you don't go ahead, but just make sure you are feeling as fit and healthy mentally as you can possibly be before you undertake the course, because you can't begin to nurse someone else's mental health until your own is strong. Just imagine you get placed on an eating disorders ward, you need to be sure that you will be strong enough to work in that kind of environment before you go ahead.
Sorry if this comes across badly, or insultingly, it is purely out of interest for your best wishes.
Sorry if this comes across badly, or insultingly, it is purely out of interest for your best wishes.
Oh gosh no! It's in no way insulting! I agree, and that's why I'm now gaining weight and working very hard to get better (and of course to do well in exams.
). I know that if I keep going in the right direction as I am, I'll be more than ready when the time comes, but if the worse did happen then I wouldn't start the degree until I was better. It's sorta why I've firmed mental health nursing, but have psychology as my insurance just in case. Honestly though, thank you for replying.
It means a lot that you're thinking in my best interestOriginal post by TotoMimo
Anon don't give up. I don't know quite your scenario and to that end I'm unable to give you specific advice but I do know I too feel compelled and incredibly urgent when it comes to beating goals, self competition, and perfectionism.
This is something that CAN be controlled. I have been placed on some (terrifyingly named but ultimately harmless) anti-depressant anti-psychotic medications which can root your "evil inner voice" which is intent on causing you pain.
Eating disorders often exhibit themselves in quite terrifying ways. You isolate. You discriminate. You absolutely contest everything you do. "Don't try that on." "Don't eat that." "Don't change the routine".
You're trapped and your routine, your habits, your compulsions, are all you know.
Anon, you are not being selfish. This is a disease. You are suffering this disease as I am. And we need to fight it, because WE deserve to live... LIVE - not merely EXIST.
This is something that CAN be controlled. I have been placed on some (terrifyingly named but ultimately harmless) anti-depressant anti-psychotic medications which can root your "evil inner voice" which is intent on causing you pain.
Eating disorders often exhibit themselves in quite terrifying ways. You isolate. You discriminate. You absolutely contest everything you do. "Don't try that on." "Don't eat that." "Don't change the routine".
You're trapped and your routine, your habits, your compulsions, are all you know.
Anon, you are not being selfish. This is a disease. You are suffering this disease as I am. And we need to fight it, because WE deserve to live... LIVE - not merely EXIST.
Thanks. I've noticed recently that I seem to feel more sensitive than usual too? I'm constantly over analysing everything that people say and always assume that whatever they're saying is an attack at me even if it isn't... it's just me being sensitive. I don't even know why I am being so negative with what other people are saying to me recently but it is depressing me.
Is it also true that your parents can section you without your consent? I am 22...
Original post by briesandwich
Original post by briesandwich
Oh gosh no! It's in no way insulting! I agree, and that's why I'm now gaining weight and working very hard to get better (and of course to do well in exams. ). I know that if I keep going in the right direction as I am, I'll be more than ready when the time comes, but if the worse did happen then I wouldn't start the degree until I was better. It's sorta why I've firmed mental health nursing, but have psychology as my insurance just in case.
Honestly though, thank you for replying. It means a lot that you're thinking in my best interest
). I know that if I keep going in the right direction as I am, I'll be more than ready when the time comes, but if the worse did happen then I wouldn't start the degree until I was better. It's sorta why I've firmed mental health nursing, but have psychology as my insurance just in case. Honestly though, thank you for replying.
It means a lot that you're thinking in my best interestWell I wish you all the best with the course
you sound passionate about it and that's exactly the kind of nurses that the profession needs!Original post by Anonymous
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks. I've noticed recently that I seem to feel more sensitive than usual too? I'm constantly over analysing everything that people say and always assume that whatever they're saying is an attack at me even if it isn't... it's just me being sensitive. I don't even know why I am being so negative with what other people are saying to me recently but it is depressing me.
Is it also true that your parents can section you without your consent? I am 22...
Is it also true that your parents can section you without your consent? I am 22...
Sectioning is generally being admitted to hospital without your consent. Your parents don't have the power to section you as such, but could request a mental health act assessment. If you hospital admission was necessary and you were agreeable to this, you would be admitted informally. If you did not agree, you would be sectioned. In a nutshell, if you were consenting, then you wouldn't be sectioned.
Anon, I agree with the sensitivity thing. "you're looking healthier" instantly, to me, means "wow, you're gaining weight." You scrutinise the most absurd things, don't you?
Anyway, I am 26 and as adults, legal adults, we are responsible and liable for our own actions. Our parents can only advise at this point. That's why, as a sufferer, anon, you need to make that decision for yourself I'm afraid. This is a blessing and a curse; you need to recognise and TAKE that first step yourself. And you should. I have and I promise you, despite the emotional turmoil it's produced, you need to do it or else it'll eventually kill you. And being dead sucks, despite my inability to comment on first-hand experience.
Anon, seriously. I struggle every day with this. But I struggle knowing I will eventually have this by the balls and win. The logical reasoning states one thing and the disorder states another, but you know what's right.
Briesandwich, you are absolutely an inspiration and I implore everyone in this thread to rep her up. You are an absolute hero to me to have endured this entire process without pure madness, and you have nothing but my absolute respect.
Anyway, I am 26 and as adults, legal adults, we are responsible and liable for our own actions. Our parents can only advise at this point. That's why, as a sufferer, anon, you need to make that decision for yourself I'm afraid. This is a blessing and a curse; you need to recognise and TAKE that first step yourself. And you should. I have and I promise you, despite the emotional turmoil it's produced, you need to do it or else it'll eventually kill you. And being dead sucks, despite my inability to comment on first-hand experience.
Anon, seriously. I struggle every day with this. But I struggle knowing I will eventually have this by the balls and win. The logical reasoning states one thing and the disorder states another, but you know what's right.
Briesandwich, you are absolutely an inspiration and I implore everyone in this thread to rep her up. You are an absolute hero to me to have endured this entire process without pure madness, and you have nothing but my absolute respect.
Original post by Anonymous
Is it also true that your parents can section you without your consent? I am 22...
I think you can be sectioned against your consent if you're posing a serious danger to yourself.
Something from a psychiatric journal
Original post by TotoMimo
I have and I promise you, despite the emotional turmoil it's produced, you need to do it or else it'll eventually kill you. And being dead sucks, despite my inability to comment on first-hand experience.
I've just repped another of your posts on this thread but I wish that I'd repped this more. You're an inspiration, Toto, and an amazing person. I sincerely hope you overcome this. I have to say, it was a hell of a shock to find out the reasoning behind your fantastic threads on TSR, and the pictures in your OP are frankly terrifying.
I wish you the very best of luck
Original post by TotoMimo
WE deserve to live... LIVE - not merely EXIST.
A very good quote if I may say so.
Thank you Potiron, Sugar. I appreciate that wholeheartedly.
But it's really quite daunting to hear how many people are experiencing their own issues - moreover, just how varied these problems are exhibited. You MUST have someone else know what you're going through or else this is only going to get worse, and I'm sure we on here are all happy and willing to listen to your stories and be here for moral support until you establish your own support network. However I do suggest you don't wait to do so; We are, after all, just people on an internet site, and as such we can't give you specific information relevant to you as an individual.
Only the love and help from your family, friends or supportive other can give you the the shoulder to lean on sufficiently to give you the final boost you need to take the real big step into the world of recovery.
But it's really quite daunting to hear how many people are experiencing their own issues - moreover, just how varied these problems are exhibited. You MUST have someone else know what you're going through or else this is only going to get worse, and I'm sure we on here are all happy and willing to listen to your stories and be here for moral support until you establish your own support network. However I do suggest you don't wait to do so; We are, after all, just people on an internet site, and as such we can't give you specific information relevant to you as an individual.
Only the love and help from your family, friends or supportive other can give you the the shoulder to lean on sufficiently to give you the final boost you need to take the real big step into the world of recovery.
What an excellent thread. Good luck to you, Toto, and indeed, everyone else who has posted their own experiences in here. It really is uplifting to hear about you persevering through the difficult times and now being able to share your knowledge with others.
Thanks Wildebeest. There's neither shame nor glory in coming forward to talk about it. This is solely for the purpose of bringing us all together to discuss what can be a potentially very debilitating group of illnesses.
As we've read already there are so many variations of ED. I just hope everyone here gets the support they deserve to break free; even if the information they receive on TSR is of the general variety.
As we've read already there are so many variations of ED. I just hope everyone here gets the support they deserve to break free; even if the information they receive on TSR is of the general variety.
I'm devastated.
For ages I've been having tins of sweetcorn for a snack - it feels "safe". I enjoy it. But they've changed the recipe somehow, and the new one has less salt but more calories. It also tastes different; that's how I noticed. Before it was exactly 100 calories per tin, which was ok, but now it's more. So now my brain says it's all gone wrong and I can't have the sweetcorn any more and I'm really upset.
For ages I've been having tins of sweetcorn for a snack - it feels "safe". I enjoy it. But they've changed the recipe somehow, and the new one has less salt but more calories. It also tastes different; that's how I noticed. Before it was exactly 100 calories per tin, which was ok, but now it's more. So now my brain says it's all gone wrong and I can't have the sweetcorn any more and I'm really upset.
Original post by Anonymous
I'm devastated.
For ages I've been having tins of sweetcorn for a snack - it feels "safe". I enjoy it. But they've changed the recipe somehow, and the new one has less salt but more calories. It also tastes different; that's how I noticed. Before it was exactly 100 calories per tin, which was ok, but now it's more. So now my brain says it's all gone wrong and I can't have the sweetcorn any more and I'm really upset.
For ages I've been having tins of sweetcorn for a snack - it feels "safe". I enjoy it. But they've changed the recipe somehow, and the new one has less salt but more calories. It also tastes different; that's how I noticed. Before it was exactly 100 calories per tin, which was ok, but now it's more. So now my brain says it's all gone wrong and I can't have the sweetcorn any more and I'm really upset.
I know how hard it is when your plans get messed up but if you like it try to defy the thought telling you you can't have it. I'm being a complete hypocrite.
You know what I hate the most about this illness? I have exams in a week tomorrow, I have 2 mock exams tomorrow and after undereating for about the 8/9 months I've been out of hospital, my brain and body have to go absolutely haywire now. I just ate a really small plate of lentils and rice after my alloted calories for the day because I need to revise and I haven't really been eating meals because they make me feel sick and now I just want to cry and rage at myself for eating and ruining the haze in my head. But I know I should be eating more than I am and I NEED to pass my exams. If I don't make my firm, it's going to crush me and that's the most important thing at the moment. But I can't deal with it right now. I don't feel safe anymore, not around food, not around people and not in my own house. There's not even a reason for it. It's just all building up again. I feel like I need to escape my own body.
I don't have an appointment to see my psych until after the exams are over and all my nurse does is weigh me and tell me to 'keep eating' despite the fact I pretty much stopped sticking to the mealplan since I left IP. I'm sitting here beating myself up over not revising as much as I should and eating too much and not eating enough all at the same time and all I really want to do is hide away and feel safe but I also need to pass my exams and live like a normal person without all of this in my head but depression makes it so hard to eat normally and my head is driving me insane and all I have in my brain is 'too many calories' and 'revise' and the only thing I know is I will hate myself if I don't get the grades for uni just because I can't fight this. But I don't know how to fight anymore. I'll probably feel strong enough to try again tomorrow... maybe.
Sorry for the rant on here. I didn't know where else to put this and there are so few people who understand...
