I've never cried so much at a computer screen. All of you who have shared your life and your struggles, I have so much respect for your bravery to do so. And all of you who are on a road to recovery, I send all my love and best wishes and can only say with my hand on my heart that I hope you are successful in finding your beautiful selves again.
I was always the loudest, proudest, most confident teenager. Or so I appeared on the surface. As others have mentioned, I did tend to try very hard in all that I set myself goal-wise, achieved high grades and so on. I was always overweight since I can remember and as I hit 14/15 I stupidly began drinking (My parents are alcoholics and it was always easily accessible, not that I'm placing the blame on them) And with this, I saw weight gain. Each year I seemed to get heavier and heavier. I don't remember caring up until Year 11 when I wanted to go to my prom, I thought about how all my friends would look so beautiful in their dresses and just felt I'd look hideous. I didn't feel feminine or pretty or worthy of a dress, so I didn't go. I sat at home and looked at myself and decided I was to do this no more and I was going to lose weight once and for all. I broke down and cried for the first time I had in about 3 years and so it began.
I weighed around 11.5/12 stone at the start, and am around 5'6. I was never a compulsive weigher, just more fixated on numbers. It didn't matter what I ate aslong as it was on or under the calorie allowance I'd given myself that day. Additionally, I'd exercise whenever I could. Anything that supposedly helps to lose weight, I'd do it. Slowly but surely I started to change. Not only physically but mentally. I isolated myself, lost my zest, lost friends..but I didn't care at the time, because I'd lost weight. People would compliment me at first, ask me how I was doing so well so fast, I didn't think I was ill. I still saw myself as fat, in fact, I still do some days. When I started fainting and the periods stopped, my mum kind of started to be concerned. However, she didn't contact a GP as she was worried it'd reflect badly upon her and her alcoholism. She blamed herself. It was only when my dad interjected I was finally taken. I refused to be weighed at first, I'd become scared of the scales. I'd convinced myself I was putting weight on and didn't want to upset myself that I wasn't skinny enough, I expected to see 13, 14, 15 stones. When I eventually did, I was 46kg. I was referred for CBT and so it began, I continued losing at this point and got down to 40kg. I am now at 41kg and have been so for a few months. I managed to stop the decrease, which is a start.
I've opened up about it a lot more, and I'm no longer in denial that I am ill. I no longer see deathly-skinny as beautiful. I no longer have a warped view that being skinny will make my mum love me and it'll make me happy. I was always famed for being "emotionless" but I realise now this is not the case at all. By working on my emotions, I am working on beating and breaking free from this illness. I still have to count calories but next week I'm going for a meal with my therapist, with my first non-calorie counted meal in just under 2 years. I'm scared but excited at the same time. I'm determined, and now have more inspiration because of all I've read on this thread.
I'm currently in CBT, and I have been so for about a year now. For a fairly long period of that time I was still completely controlled by the illness and I would lie, attend, make promises, say I felt better..and make no changes whatsoever. It kept family off my back a little more and I thought I was winning. But I was losing, not only in weight but in the fight against a very vicious, evil and consuming illness. A few months ago my therapist changed and the replacement was a lot stricter and a lot harder to fool and it was probably the best thing to ever happen to me. I finally admitted to myself that I needed AND wanted to get better. Although I haven't seen a massive weight increase as of yet, I am slowly but surely working on my relationship with not only my own emotions but also with food. My goals are no longer a certain weight or a certain size, but for happiness and life events. I want to LIVE again.
I'm sorry I rambled on..I didn't really intend to but it's not something you can really sum up in brief. Thank you to anyone who has taken time to read this. And good luck & keep on keeping on to all those in recovery. X