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English Language descriptive writing.

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    I have an English language exam next week, and we have to do some descriptive writing among other things. I've chosen to do a scene in a railway or bus station, apparently we should imagine that time has stopped when we are doing descriptive writing, so that's what I've done in this trial description. Could someone have a look and see what grade they think it might be / things I can improve on? Much appreciated
    We have forty minutes to do it. How long do you recommend it be?

    The hard cobbled stone floor of the train station sat cold and rough. Frost had crept into its crevices, to hide from the heat of the some people standing idly on the edge of the platform. A man with a thick, bushy moustache leaned against a hardwood beam, an old pipe drooping from his mouth. The glow of the pipe lit up his face, to reveal his glazed eyes and battered top hat. The tail of his suite hung down to the cobble stone and sat in despair within the frost. A bullmastiff stood proud and alert by his master’s side as it waited for the train to come around the dark, creeping trees in the distance. A streak of magenta and violet ink spiralled in the clouds in the atmosphere. Standing by the rattling gates of the station stood a plump man with a dark grey beard, tiny spectacles and a brief case swinging from his left arm, like a corpse hanging on the gallows. The train station was a piece of architectural brilliance; it stood tall among the other buildings of the town, and showed off its wonderful gothic structure. It had a slate roof and rusty guttering, crafted onto its wooden beams. Water lay in the gutters, which had trickled down slowly by the drizzling rain. It’s surface broken, by the tiny particles of water shattering as it crashed into it. A drip was hesitant to fall from the gutter onto the hard ground; a puddle lay on the ground where drips had already fallen. A chimney was belching out smoke into the haze of mist and rain from above the roof, darkening the beautiful sky.
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    Won't anyone help?
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    First of all, I could envisage myself in the situation due to your wonderful descriptions. Your description was very eloquent, your vocabulary is good, but to ameliorate it, I would suggest using some more technical terms. English Language revolves primarily around the flair of your writing, so if you could add more technical terms, that would be great.

    Secondly, this is a 27 mark question. Is that all you've wrote or is it an extract? Nevertheless, if it was an extract, I'd give it 13/14 marks for that extract alone. If you retained the evocative descriptions, it would amount to somewhere in the region of 22 marks out of 27.

    Very best of luck.
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    (Original post by Jackb95)
    First of all, I could envisage myself in the situation due to your wonderful descriptions. Your description was very eloquent, your vocabulary is good, but to ameliorate it, I would suggest using some more technical terms. English Language revolves primarily around the flair of your writing, so if you could add more technical terms, that would be great.

    Secondly, this is a 27 mark question. Is that all you've wrote or is it an extract? Nevertheless, if it was an extract, I'd give it 13/14 marks for that extract alone. If you retained the evocative descriptions, it would amount to somewhere in the region of 22 marks out of 27.

    Very best of luck.
    Thank you so much, really helped
    I'm editing it a bit and adding in some alliteration.
    Quite a confidence boost, I really didn't think it was that good.
    Yes that's all I've written, should it be longer?
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    (Original post by Wodeford)
    Thank you so much, really helped
    I'm editing it a bit and adding in some alliteration.
    Quite a confidence boost, I really didn't think it was that good.
    Yes that's all I've written, should it be longer?
    A little bit longer, and it's imperative you really enthal the examiner. By that I mean developing the storyline and embedding more evocative descriptions. What grade do you intend to achieve? I'm setting my sights on an A*, but I'm helping others more than I'm helping myself atm.
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    (Original post by Jackb95)
    A little bit longer, and it's imperative you really enthal the examiner. By that I mean developing the storyline and embedding more evocative descriptions. What grade do you intend to achieve? I'm setting my sights on an A*, but I'm helping others more than I'm helping myself atm.
    Ah right, thanks for the advice mate
    I'm looking for A*'s too
    Only year 10 atm though, hopefully I'll have some time to improve by year 11.
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    (Original post by Wodeford)
    Ah right, thanks for the advice mate
    I'm looking for A*'s too
    Only year 10 atm though, hopefully I'll have some time to improve by year 11.
    Mate, in Year 11, time is literally of the essence.
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    (Original post by Wodeford)
    I have an English language exam next week, and we have to do some descriptive writing among other things. I've chosen to do a scene in a railway or bus station, apparently we should imagine that time has stopped when we are doing descriptive writing, so that's what I've done in this trial description. Could someone have a look and see what grade they think it might be / things I can improve on? Much appreciated
    (Original post by Wodeford)
    We have forty minutes to do it. How long do you recommend it be?

    The hard cobbled stone floor of the train station sat cold and rough. Frost had crept into its crevices, to hide from the heat of the some people standing idly on the edge of the platform. A man with a thick, bushy moustache leaned against a hardwood beam, an old pipe drooping from his mouth. The glow of the pipe lit up his face, to reveal his glazed eyes and battered top hat. The tail of his suite hung down to the cobble stone and sat in despair within the frost. A bullmastiff stood proud and alert by his master’s side as it waited for the train to come around the dark, creeping trees in the distance. A streak of magenta and violet ink spiralled in the clouds in the atmosphere. Standing by the rattling gates of the station stood a plump man with a dark grey beard, tiny spectacles and a brief case swinging from his left arm, like a corpse hanging on the gallows. The train station was a piece of architectural brilliance; it stood tall among the other buildings of the town, and showed off its wonderful gothic structure. It had a slate roof and rusty guttering, crafted onto its wooden beams. Water lay in the gutters, which had trickled down slowly by the drizzling rain. It’s surface broken, by the tiny particles of water shattering as it crashed into it. A drip was hesitant to fall from the gutter onto the hard ground; a puddle lay on the ground where drips had already fallen. A chimney was belching out smoke into the haze of mist and rain from above the roof, darkening the beautiful sky.
    hai im doing my english descriptive writing next week and i was wondering if you could give me some tips on a fun fair descriptive writing ? i am aiming for a 'B' what did you get cause yours is amazing
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    make sure ypu have good high level descrption -Choo Choo! Screech! The cold foggy air, slamming and smacking my face. As I rapidly try moving forward to the train, the dull sky turns grey, the rain is pouring like an elephant, bouncing up and down, and rain drops making a flood wildly! I hear the rusty train grinding as it comes to stop. A drip was about to fall from the murky drain onto the hard ground; a dark chestnut brown puddle lay on the ground where drips had already fallen. As I stepped one step, I look under the wooden oak bench where spider webs and miniature ants marching out of a hole (which had colossal pieces of dust) Mice’s were crawling around and squeaking louder than a lions roar! Time goes past and I was getting bitter, I could feel my stinky feet numb and the plat form crumbling beneath.

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Updated: February 7, 2014
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