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She kissed me, I hit her, she's left me - HELP!

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    Write her a letter. (Not an email dammit)

    Explain the full story. Explain why you hate your neck touched.

    Tell you're sorry. Tell you realise its hard for her and you completely understand her. Dont mention anything about getting back together. Leave it up to her.

    Meanwhile, seek some help and try to sort it out. If she does decide to give you yet another chance (you will be damn lucky), you want to atleast make sure you're not going to go ape**** on her again.
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    I don't think you should be looking for her to get help with not touching your neck... That's just stupid. You need to be the one to get help. Stop saying it doesn't work or you've tried it before. Get on the phone and book an appointment with your GP and tell them everything. Think about getting yourself better before trying to start any relationship with her or with anyone else. You need to get this sorted out because you can't keep going on like this. Please don't reply with 'oh I know' or whatever, just go and do it.
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    I have a similar problem with people.
    But instead of the neck, it's my lap...
    http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l5...9949941054.gif
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    Edit: wrong thread.
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    Heeeeerrrreeee'sss
    (Original post by anonymous)
    "johnny"
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    How close are you... is there a possibility that you could go to Ireland and meet with her.
    Tell her the whole story( .. you said you didn't tell her everything) including your friend just dying (very sorry about that). Tell her that you're going to get help and you want her to wait for you. Maybe it'll take some weeks, couple of months, perhaps a year but if you were that strong as a couple I'm sure you'll be able to make it.

    If you're still in some type of education why don't you start looking for help there... or maybe you could talk to a parent. Perhaps getting someone to touch your neck in a calm and controlled way might help you to get over your fears.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm not trying to blame her. She could be with any one of millions of people, billions even and they would have no problem with her touching their neck. It's my (and my friend's) fault that I'm the odd one out - I know that.

    BUT our joint plan was I would try to get over my hatred of it and she would try to stop doing it. That was HER idea, not mine. We both made efforts, but apparently neither of us can do it alone ... which I why I was asking if WE could BOTH get help with our respective 'problems'.
    I understand what you're trying to get at OP, but her touching your neck is not a 'problem'. You've admitted it earlier in the thread so hopefully you won't take offence to me saying that it's you that needs to get professional help so that her touching your neck will not be an issue. She can obviously restrain herself as this is the first time since the last incident, but you cannot flip out every time she touches your neck. She's been very understanding so far, so I think you suggesting that this is partially her fault isn't very fair. If my boyfriend suggested I had a problem because I liked touching his shoulders, for example, I would think he sounded a bit loopy, as it would be his problem for being intolerant of them being touched.

    I would suggest that you at least contact your girlfriend and keep in touch. If my boyfriend did this to me and then I left, if he didn't attempt to contact me (even if I was the one who left) I would be very upset - she hasn't left as she no longer cares for you, but because you scared the hell out of her and she doesn't know how to trust you not to do it again in the future. So ring her, write to her, email her - just something to say that you completely understand her reaction, you know you were in the wrong but that you love her and you want to seek help for it, and would appreciate it if she'd be open-minded to meeting with you in the future (for example).

    The problem with posting on a student forum is that you can get a lot of mixed opinions, carry a thread on forever, never really take much from it. Tomorrow, go to your doctor and ask for a referral to someone who can help you (your doctor should know). It's severely affecting your life and relationships and you need to fix it. It is possible to, but you cannot spend your time writing online to a bunch of 16+ year olds and expect us to be able to help you - you need someone who knows what they're talking about. Closure with the friend you're supposedly angry at is not the only way, and they can help you with another way.

    All the best OP x
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    But she was! This was the first time since the last time. I think my friend's suicide only made it worse, as well.

    She's touched my neck plenty of times in the past; I always got a bit angry and asked her not to, but I never flipped out and broke vases whilst yelling and swearing at her...
    But that's the thing, she sounds very strong, however even the strongest people are not stupid and will avoid being in danger. If she was sure you were fine with it before so she felt safe touching you and you completely flipped out, she would be terrified.... if you will ever have any chances in fixing this you will have to tell her the full story.

    Also do try and seek some kind of help... Especially as your friend has died, I imagine you must be in utter shock, and I imagine it must be a normal thing to feel in this situation, so seeking help will be utterly normal and maybe even telling her that you know that it was not okay and you are seeking help would reassure her.

    The main thing is that, I hope, she knows you are not doing this on purpose, however that still doesn't mean that she has to put up with it. Again, my advice would be seeking help/guidance from a professionally and telling her a full story of mental instability of your friend who recently killed him self which made matters worse.

    Good luck.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Can't say I've ever tried that. When I know neck touching is coming, I raise my shoulders and clench up.

    I know how to torture you :cig:

    On a serious note, get to your GP and a referral for CBT or psychotherapy. Works wonders.
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    Can you speak if you've broken your jaw?
    #4

    You realise you've kinda become the new crazy friend. And then your gf will become the new crazy friend once you've sufficiently traumatised her.. and thus the cycle will continue... FOREVER

    But seriously, go to the doctor or something. And apologise profusely. More than you already have.
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    you put that b**** in her place.

    just kidding get help...
    serious help
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    become obese to hide away the neck .. keep eating till you have at least 3 chins .. that should keep her off the rally point.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi, been a while since I posted on this topic; you may remember my previous posts:
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show....php?t=1433359
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show....php?t=1485816
    The simplified story is: many years ago, a friend was in a bad mental state and tried to strangle me - that left me with a hatred of having my neck touched, although I forgave my friend. My girlfriend liked touching necks and, one time, she did it and I accidentally hit out at her. We worked through that incident, with an agreement that she would stop touching my neck. I never told her the full story of why I didn't like it - I sort of did, but pretended it was my weird alcoholic cousin that did it and not my friend.

    Well... It happened again. We were in the 'throes of passion' when she kissed my neck. Only this time, I didn't just hit out accidentally. It's not like I backed her against a wall and broke her jaw, but it wasn't just my general flailing. I meant to get her away from me. I'm not that sure if I hit her or just pushed her away, but I did something.

    And it didn't just stop there. Last time, I felt so guilty immediately. This time, I went absolutely mental. Shouting, screaming, yelling all about what the **** did she think she was doing and why the **** didn't she learn from last time, why must she keep on trying to assault me. She was crying the whole time.

    I eventually calmed, which is when I realised what I'd done (and surveyed the mess; apparently I'd thrown a vase at the wall at some stage, I didn't even realise I had), and started crying myself. I tried to hug her in comfort, but she stood up, sadly and tearfully said, "You're just messed up, Johnny" ... and left.

    What am I going to do? I've realised now that this is some misplaced anger towards my friend and what he did ... but I can't take it out on him, I found out a few days ago that he was off of his medication and killed himself. I even identified the body (his only friend in the world, and his mother was too distraught.) And now I've ruined my relationship with my girlfriend - she can't trust me, she has no way of knowing what I'm going to do next time she accidentally kisses or touches my neck.

    I need help ... but I don't know where to get it.
    Okay that wasn't your fault, but I can understand why she's worried. See your GP, explain you're sufferent from flashbacks from an incident (it's probably post traumatic stress disorder) and he'll refer you to someone who can help you work through it. Then tell your girlfriend you're working on it and explain how sorry you are. :hugs: Hopefully she'll see you've taken an initiative to sort the problem and forgive you.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You realise you've kinda become the new crazy friend. And then your gf will become the new crazy friend once you've sufficiently traumatised her.. and thus the cycle will continue... FOREVER

    But seriously, go to the doctor or something. And apologise profusely. More than you already have.
    That's actually what I'm terrified of - he tried to strangle me, messed me up. I got mental when she touches my neck, what have I done to her?
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by punkyrocker)
    I would suggest that you at least contact your girlfriend and keep in touch. If my boyfriend did this to me and then I left, if he didn't attempt to contact me (even if I was the one who left) I would be very upset
    I suppose the thing is, I'm sort of hoping that she'll come back ... but I'm also sort of pleased she's gone. I was always on edge about what was going to happen next and how I was going to respond to it. I never wanted to have sex with her, I didn't want to be physical in any way.
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    I know it's entirely irrelevant, but does the way in which the title is written remind anyone else of Lee Mack's French perfume joke?

    Anyway, OP - you've realised there's an issue with your behaviour, so go and see a professional. I know you said you've already tried, but get another one. You already seem to know it's an issue that may re-occur if you get a new girlfriend, so address it.
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    Wear a scarf
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Bobcat65)
    Wear a scarf
    In bed, when having sex?

    Suppose it could work, she does like Merlin...
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    It's been mentioned lots of times already in this thread but I feel it needs to be said again. Go to your GP and try to get professional systematic desensitisation (or another possible treatment which has been found to be effective in such cases as yours). I know you've received professional help in the past which didn't work, but this issue that you have might not ever go away unless you keep on trying to treat it. Not only has it damaged your current relationship, but it could very possibly lead to major troubles in the future, too.

    I'm so sad to read about your situation OP, I really hope you get this sorted out.

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Updated: August 7, 2012
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