[jazzykinks]

Never noticed this thread before, but I feel like I need to talk about my experience.

I was 14 when I was diagnosed with severe depression. I had no self-esteem, hated everything about myself and honestly wanted to curl up and die. I was morbid. I just wanted death because every second was so difficult. Every minute was too painful. I don't know why. On the outside, I seemingly had it all -- I was intelligent and had 'a lot going' for me. But no one really knew. No one knew that my dad had been verbally abusing me -- both drunk and sober -- since 10. I was bullied every day at school for being fat (I honestly was -- 13 stone at that age) and had few friends (they were all 2 years older, in sixth form). Life wasn't good. I was referred to CAMHS for weekly therapy sessions, but they didn't help at all.

Things got worse at 15. I became anorexic. The depression furthered. It came to a point where my school would call my mum because I kept missing the same days off school each week. We didn't want to tell the school because they'd messed up so many times before when I had reported the bullying, only making it worse. They threatened and eventually we had to tell them. What did they do? One day, the bullying got too much. I ran to the toilets at lunchtime and locked myself in. My head of year sent me home, not because he cared but because 'if you kill yourself on school grounds your parents could sue us'. Lovely. He told the bullies I had depression. They only did it more. My attendance went down so as a special allowance, they let me come into school, go to my class for 5 mins to get the work and sit in reception all day and do it.

The anorexia worsened. The depression worsened. Although I recovered from anorexia just after turning 17, I still have depression to this day. Sometimes I win the battle. But depression still has the upper hand in this war.

I feel like I've lost myself in it. I have my good days, and they're amazing...but I mostly have bad days. My depression is crippling. It's like a physical disability, sometimes. I feel so depressed that I won't even go outside of my room all day. I won't go downstairs to get fresh air. I'll barely go to the kitchen unless I need something from the fridge. I just stay in my four walls. I have to cancel appointments and stuff because of it. I cry for no reason. There's an overwhelming sadness that I just can't figure out because theoretically, these past couple of years have been the best I've ever had and I'm currently 90% living the life I want to live (bar doing a degree as I hate studying). I just curl up and cry, sometimes for hours.

I was put on antidepressants when I was 16. I'm still on them and it's coming up to 19 for me now. I don't see myself getting off them in a hurry. Every day brings a new struggle. I don't go to counselling or anything. After doing counselling for about 4 years, I realised that no one is really going to understand me. Right now, I just cope. I just cope by myself. Sometimes I let off some steam with my mum. I try to lead as much of a normal life as possible, but it gets in the way so much. I have to apply for mitigation all the time. I find it hard being alone sometimes, but sometimes I hate the whole world.

The only positive thusfar is that I don't feel suicidal often. Something extremely bad has to happen for me to feel like that, and I haven't in over a year now. I'm kind of proud of that, although it's not a big achievement by any means. My bad days are still awful but I don't lose the will to live any more. I think that's partially down to my boyfriend who, despite knowing how nuts I am (severe depression, BDD, ex-anorexic, anxiety disorder), loves me to bits and is actually really considerate about my many mental illnesses. He never makes me feel like there's something wrong with me although we know there is. If he does bring it up, he's always positive about it like 'I love how strong you are, you've been through so much and you're still fighting'.

But most of all, it's my mum. She also has depression, which makes me think it's somewhat hereditary. She has my back 100%, although we disagree a lot now I've become my own person and more independent since moving out. Honestly, I would not be here today if it wasn't for her. No matter what, I could never hurt myself fatally because she doesn't deserve to have to go through that pain.

Baby steps, each day. I just take one day at a time. x

[adolphsmith]

Many young people their behaviour is questioned as a problem remember there is not enough time with parents they found their diversion. The rebellion of some young some into the Depression of the sink .

[Anonymous]

Anyone with depression should watch this video - it will change your life for the better and maybe even cure your depression

http://castroller.com/podcasts/JoelOsteenVideo/2706755

You are so lucky!

[RowingGoose]

When I was 15/16 I was abused by my then-stepfather. After it stopped I suppressed the memories for a year, but also got depression during that time. I wanted to kill myself on several occassions but found being around my beautiful dog was very calming. I contacted the samaritans a few times and the phrase that stuck with me was:
Do you really want your life to end, or do you just want things to change?

I didn't want to leave my twin brother mainly and my dog so I stuck it out although it was very hard. Something my then-stepfather said triggered the memories and I wrote one down in my diary. When I went away, my mother found it and then kicked him out. It was hard to see him go because he wasn't like the 'typical' abuser - he wasn't sadistic or violent - and he was the only dad I had known.

After I reported it, I started seeing a counsellor which really helped my depression. He was so caring and understanding it really did help.

5 years later I don't suffer that much from depression, only the occasional week or so or if I'm really stressed. The thing that I'd say to people wiith depression is that it does get better. I found knowledge of the deppression helped and talking to others on the internet too.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad I found out about this thread because I feel like I really need to share my experience. So thank you.

I am 19 and I have known for quite a long time that there was something wrong with me because I've been feeling pretty bad, worthless and lonely for sometime now. Although, I never thought I was really depressed. Or maybe I should say I never wanted to believe I could suffer from depression. However, a few months ago I was reading about all types of depression for a university module and it stoke me that I fitted all the criteria for atypical depression. It was really an eye-opener because it finally all made sense: my low mood, general unhappiness, desire to cry and even the sporadic suicidal thoughts. I talked to some people and I've been told it can be beneficial to share one's own story, put it black on white and admit that you're depressed, and I'm willing to give it a try because I really want to end this but I don't seem to be able to get better.

Superficially, at first sight my life seems to be easy and nice; I have a nice and supportive family, good friends, I've always been a bright student and never had massive problems. But this is not the whole picture, in fact at a closer look things are not as simple and smooth. I'm a quiet and reserved person, although not necessarily shy, and for some reason I've never found it easy to talk about my personal life. Maybe because I've had self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember. Being surrounded by much more confident and out-going people, I've always tended to stay in the background. The only aspect where I was on the spotlight was school (due to my excellent grades); this made it hard for some people to like me, especially in my childhood, but at least it made my family proud. Not only were my relatives proud, they also had high expectations of me and put a lot of pressure on me to succeed and achieve good results. This has been a major cause of stress and anxiety in my life - the fear of disappointing all of them.
When I was 14 the first real issues arose, as that was the time when my friends and I started thinking about boys, boyfriends etc. Everyone seemed to be able to find "love" (well, from a 14 year old point of view) but I didn't. I liked this very popular guy for over a year, and then one day he finally seemed to like me back. We went out a few times, we kissed (my first), was over the moon. A few weeks later, however, he ended everything. I got really depressed and started not to eat, I lost a lot of weight and became obsessed with being skinny. I would starve myself and lie about the food I ate, and although I was never officially diagnosed with anorexia or any other eating disorder, in retrospect I can say I was anorexic. Deep down I knew it was wrong, but being skinny gave me strength and made me feel happy. School was great, I gained self-confidence, guys started to notice me and I even had a few relationships, however I started to close up and not share with my family what was going on, maybe because I was ashamed, I don't know. It went on for a few years, I didn't now how to talk to my mum about my personal life anymore, I wouldn't even tell all important things to my best friends. For example, I didn't tell my mum when I lost my virginity at 17 and I know she would have wanted me to open up about that.

The worst came last year though, when I was applying to university for the course I've always wanted to study. Having been told that I was a brilliant student all my life, I was very ambitious and aimed really high, and everyone else was confident I would make it. But I failed. It was really hard on me because not only had I disappointed many people, but my biggest dream was fading away. However, I didn't want people to know how I really felt, so I tried to put a happy face up and pretend it was all just fine. I settled for a course I was partly interested in with the hope that it would all work out in the end. Then it came the time when all my friends were applying for university and I could see them all being successful. Of course I was happy for them but deep inside I felt left behind and miserable compared to them. I started to re-gain weight, which made me feel even worse because all my efforts to be skinny vanished. Anyway, I left for uni and really made an effort to go out, meet people and get better but even if I had some good days, a general unhappiness still dominated my days. I became really good at lying, pretending that everything is fine when I'm with other people, but when I'm alone I just feel desperate. Positive events can make me feel happy for a short period of time now, but it's just transitory happiness. And I know I have things to be grateful for, but I am just not able to. I have re-applied to university for my dream course and I have recently found out that I got in. I should be ecstatic because my dream will actually become true. But even if I try really hard I just can't be happy. It's like I don't know how to be truly happy anymore. I am desperate to get better, I really want to and I hope I can. I just need to figure out how to do it.
Thank you very much for listening to me, it really means something. And knowing that many of you felt really bad in the past and are now better gives me hope, a lot of hope. I hope I can post on this thread again someday and say that I got over all this.

[Prince Rhyus]

"Recovery from mental health illnesses takes more than just a few pills. It requires a much more comprehensive look at a person’s life and lifestyle – and a very personalised approach to treatment and recovery." - from an early blogpost I wrote.

[Anonymous]

diagnosis: paranoid schizophrenia with depression

I had been bottling up my problems since A-levels, problems within family, with guys, and with God, in Kuala Lumpur and in uk. and because of a person i met in uk (nothing wrong with him actually) i felt nobody can be trusted and was confused who is God and scared that I would be going to hell. I felt that I couldnt differentiate between reality and what I perceived. I lost touch with reality and couldn't do anything for myself, didnt even feel like eating. I felt that every option led to hopelessness and there's no way out, even if i die. But i felt guilty and thought i should kill myself. fortunately it was christmas period (dec10) and whenever i saw the lights on the christmas tree in hospital, they reminded me not to lose hope. yes, believing in jesus we wont be hopeless. i was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. i stayed in hospital for a month and showed good progress (had fun joining the activities on the ward) but then during the one-week discharge trial, the psychiatrist felt that i wasnt well enough so i stayed in again, for one week, and the medication increased to 7.5mg olanzapine, before i went back to malaysia (i was interrupting my studies).

now september last year. because of long flights and 20-hour detainment at the airport due to visa problem, i was exhausted and jet-lagged. didnt sleep properly for several nights. i bought jet lag medication but couldnt sleep well with that too and got even more stressed. i was worried about the medical examination required by occupational health in university. i also felt stupid regarding some of my words and actions in the past and i compared myself to others and felt inferior but i refused to be comforted by keeping them all to myself. i was bothered by those thoughts for quite a while. finally i had a relapse. though i have the thoughts of dying as well, This time my illness is less severe. however i showed not much progress (because 1.i felt uncomfortable being asked so many questions by the doctors which i couldnt answer well myself, im not good at putting my thoughts and feelings into words 2.i couldnt decide whether to stay or to go back) so i stayed from few days to one month also. my mom and my sponsor the embassy advised me to go back so i finally firmed my decision. I think its a right one.
im very fine at home, studying and working. studying first semester accounting. im on risperidone 2mg, setraline 75mg, and see the doctor every few months.

[move on]

i prefer to post this anonymously but was unsuccessful doing so. anyway here's my story.

diagnosis: paranoid schizophrenia with depression

I had been bottling up my problems since A-levels (before i went to uk university), problems within family, with guys, and with God, in Kuala Lumpur and in uk. and because of a person i met in uk (nothing wrong with him actually) i felt nobody can be trusted and was confused who is God and scared that I would be going to hell. I felt that I couldnt differentiate between reality and what I perceived. I lost touch with reality and couldn't do anything for myself, didnt even feel like eating. I felt that every option led to hopelessness and there's no way out, even if i die. But i felt guilty and thought i should kill myself. but everytime i felt hopeless it was Him who gave me hope, so im 100% sure Jesus is Lord, because of too many miracles. it was christmas period (dec10) and whenever i saw the lights on the christmas tree in hospital, they reminded me not to lose hope. yes, believing in jesus we wont be hopeless. i was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. i stayed in hospital for a month and showed good progress (had fun joining the activities on the ward) but then during the one-week discharge trial, the psychiatrist felt that i wasnt well enough so i stayed in again, for one week, with the olanzapine medication increased to 7.5mg, before i went back to malaysia (i was interrupting my studies).

now september last year. because of long flights and 20-hour detainment at the airport due to visa problem, i was exhausted and jet-lagged. didnt sleep properly for several nights. i bought jet lag medication but couldnt sleep well with that too and got even more stressed. i was worried about the medical examination required by occupational health in university. i also felt stupid regarding some of my words and actions in the past and i compared myself to others and felt inferior but i refused to be comforted by keeping them all to myself. i was bothered by those thoughts for quite a while. finally i had a relapse. though i have the thoughts of dying as well, This time my illness is less severe. however i showed not much progress (because 1.i felt uncomfortable being asked so many questions by the doctors which i couldnt answer well myself, im not good at putting my thoughts and feelings into words 2.i couldnt decide whether to stay or to withdraw my studies and go back) so i stayed from few days to one month also. my mom and my sponsor the embassy advised me to go back so i finally firmed my decision. I think its a right one. im now enjoying life and family company in malaysia, studying first semester accounting and working as general clerk. quite involved in church too. on risperidone 2mg, setraline 75mg, and seeing the doctor every few months. manage to make several friends at university and church, so all is good.

[pinkangelgirl]

my mum passed away before i came to uni.

my family fell apart.

i got to uni, felt lonely, depressed, didnt get on so well with my flat.

constantly thought about killing myself. Genuinely thought no one would care. My family didnt care about me, didnt contact me. I would think about slicing myself open with knives and causing as much pain as i could to myself. I used to tell myself over and over that my mum wouldnt want this.

id get so stressed at not being able to hurt myself id bash myself and end up with bruises everywhere.

i had an abusive boyfriend which didnt help. Though he was good to talk to about my Mum.

That lasted for about a year.

Im much better now partly because my family are closer, im not with that boyfriend anymore and i have a lot more friends in my life

i still miss my Mum every day though

[Anonymous]

This thread was interesting to read, but I have to say it did make me feel generally pessimistic about recovering... if you can call it that.

I first had to see a counselor when I was 14. At the time I'd had to move from a state school to a private one, which made me feel ashamed and alone. My best friend, from whom I'd been inseparable, had moved to France with her family. I'd realised I had feelings for her that went further than friendship so I had a strange long distance relationship with her for a while which was sexual for a short time. The relationship made me feel sad and paranoid all the time, so eventually I stopped speaking to her, which was the only way I knew how to deal with it, and I realise now was pretty crap of me.

I was very difficult to live with for a while. I didn't sleep much, I just sat on my window ledge all night. I cried a lot and I self-harmed. After a few years, probably after my GCSEs I had a period which was a lot happier. I liked 6th form, I was the best at everything, I played the organ, which I loved, I enjoyed all my subjects and people praised me a lot I did extra exams, played music and got in to Cambridge. All cool. I was so excited to go; I thought it would be where I'd finally meet people like me, people I could get on with.

The first term at Cambridge I realised that wasn't the case. I didn't like the people. I wasn't a typical 'big fish syndrome' type. I really never expected to be the best, but I think I missed having some feedback. I felt lost and confused and even though I enjoyed my course I was bitterly disappointed and ashamed that I hadn't been able to make the friends I'd envisaged. I hated most of the people I met. I ate a lot of cake, though, and put on a bit of weight, which my parents were quick to notice that Christmas. I was so disturbed by this, since my body had always been the one thing I thought might be attractive about me, that I stopped eating almost entirely. Later that year I was hospitalized with anorexia and severe depression. I thought about killing myself constantly. I stayed in hospital for 2 months, but I had to take the whole year out and spent my time dragging myself to various awful jobs (including double-glazing cold-caller) in an attempt to busy myself. It didn't help. I eventually got back to a normal weight, not really through wanting to, but out of boredom at being so ill and so obsessed by food, plus not being able to do my work, which was always the one thing I'd enjoyed.

When I returned to university I was lonely at first but eventually developed a bizarre co-dependent sort of relationship with a man outside the university. Eventually it turned into a sort of affair (he had a girlfriend - I know that makes me bad, but I just assumed he didn't love her since he could cheat on her so easily and so constantly and she lived miles away). He was very confusing, saying he was leaving her then bottling it at the last minute, then saying we'd just be friends, then sleeping with me again... it all got messy and horrible and now we don't speak. I still get angry about it constantly and I feel jealous of everyone for having 'normal' relationships. I wonder constantly what's wrong with me and what it is about me that makes people not want to be with me, though I realise I'm basing this on very little, and I did have a brief 'normal' relationship at one point, but I still can't shake the feeling that I'm defective.

I recovered from anorexia but I've never not felt depressed. I currently take lamotrigine, but I'm not sure if it's helping yet. I feel a little hopeful as my psychiatrist suggested I may have bipolar instead of depression, which would explain why the myriad of ADs I took in the past did nothing at all. I feel like I'll never be happy and like nothing I want to happen will ever happen. Mainly I don't want to be alone and I feel like that's inevitable because there's 'the mysterious thing that makes me unloveable but no-one will tell me what it is'. I don't want to do anything. I feel like everything is a struggle and there's nothing to look forward to. I just desperately want to be happy, to be normal, and not to feel so alone. I vary between sadness and a totally consummate rage and bitter jealousy of other people for not having brains which constantly admonish them. People who tell people when they're feeling down, who ask for support, who have relationships, who believe they can do things which I don't believe I can do even though on paper I'm more qualified than they are. It makes me feel like I'm a horrible bitter snob, and to some degree I am, but it's because I feel like everyone ought to be as critical of themselves as I am, even though I know that's completely irrational and bizarre.

Here are the various drugs my psychiatrist picked at random from his drawer to give me:
fluoxetine: ****, made me want to kill myself
citalopram: did nothing at all
flupenthixol: what even is this drug; did nothing at all
olanzapine: no good effects, made me so hungry I thought I might die. You've never experienced hunger like forcing yourself to stick to 800 calories a day whilst taking this muthaf***er.
mirtazapine: so... sleepy. No good effects whatsoever.
various other antipsychotics and ssris which I can't remember: all did nothing
clonazepam: mysteriously alleviated my depression almost instantly and sent me hypomanic. It was awesome but no one will give it to me because it's super addictive. Sad times.
diazepam: aw yeah. Keep 'em comin'.
lamotrigine: currently taking this and increasing the dose. I feel very strange and agitated and i've had mood swings like never before, but at least it's doing something.

weed: wonder drug. Weed makes my life better. If I could get it more frequently I would be a lot happier. Not the best solution, I know, but it gets me through for now.

[honza.vseticek]

Hey, I´m Honza

My deppressions started at the age of 10 I guess, it went with me through whole basic school (thats till age of 15 here), I had it because of my body, at first I have really much much birthmarks all over the body, im skinny and not high, also I had a chest deformation called "pelota" It looks really horrible, I had rly low confidence

Actually this changed at high school I found a girlfriend which taught me and showed me that its not a wall between me and social life. It has given me ****ing so much into life I couldnt believe it now

But I spent my chance really bad way. With high confidence something woke up at me, some revenge or what. I broke up with this gf after 3 months and began to play with ppl, sincerity told me nothing. I was a total bitch but noone could know it I really played that game well.

I had about 4 girlfriends after this. I hurt every each of them, after 3 months.

But then it came I found a love, she was the one for me. But my karma didnt think so.
After amazing year and half she suddenly found another guy. I couldn´t believe that, I did everything for her. Later I understood, she simply discovered who I was.

Yes, you are saying it was all my fault. But after this realization, what I did and what I was, how I spent my life the worst depression came. I did what I could to take back all those bad things. Every of those girls are now my friends, Im helping them. I was helping everybody... but still the depression didnt came out.

Sometimes I was just hidden in my bed, affraid to go out, affraid to speak, later I was so sure about myself, I could do anything on the world, it came in cycles, so I went to the doctor, because it was really affecting my work.

I cried that night, we found my problems. It was absolutely elsewhere that I thought, much deeper in my childhood and whole life.

My field diagnosis was split personality and maniodepressive psychosis or something. I met the doctor for some time, we discussed and talked, I always wanted to try another way before taking the pills and I learned a way to get out of my moods.

first time I held the knife against my stomach was at 14.

Now its all just fine, getting better, motivation is the most powerful things while having those kind of problems I think

[Delain]

Personal experiences:

Who you are: My name is Kay, I'm 26 years old and come from Stoke-on-Trent.

When it started: I'm not sure exactly but around age 17/18. I've had depression at varying degrees from then until now.

How long you've had it: About 8/9 years now, I'm hazy on the exact time.

Official diagnosis: I went to my GP in 2005, told him how I was suffering and he diagnosed me with clinical depression.

Therapy/medication: I've tried 4 different kinds of antidepressants - citalopram, cipralex, venlafaxine and mirtazapine. I'm not on any currently. I also had counselling back in 2007 but it didn't help so I gave it up after a few week. I had it again from September - November 2011 and that time it helped.

When it got worse/when it got better: The worst times for my depression were the times I attended university for the first time - I have been to 3 "red-brick" Universities before now and not finished a degree at any of them. There was also the period around December 2010 where it became severe to the point I made myself call an ambulance and have them take me to hospital because otherwise I was going to commit suicide. Had a very traumatic experience at the hospital where I was left in the reception of A&E, having not washed or taken care of myself for over two weeks as well as getting my period and having nothing with me to deal with it. I had a massive panic attack outside the hospital doors and this prompted them to move me to a separate cubicle where I was largely left on my own. I discharged myself from the hospital after waiting for five hours to be admitted to a psychiatric ward. The times when I feel better are mainly when I have a job, but this has been sporadic due to only really having temp jobs outside of trying to finish university. I was also in two long term abusive relationships in the past and I was very bad with my depression then. I have developed anxiety over the last few years and I suffer from panic attacks when I am very bad with it. I haven't had any medication for this.

How has it affected your life? When I am bad with depression, my sleeping pattern is usually very bad to the point I'm getting up at 10-12pm at night then not going to sleep until the late-morning/afternoon. I need to sleep for 12-14 hours just to feel human and I find it very difficult if not impossible to wake before then. As said above, I get panic attacks when I am very anxious. I lack motivation to go and do things or take care of myself. I feel worthless and like a failure and paranoid about what people think about me. I become very anti-social and unable to deal with my friends or family and I even feel anxious about leaving the house in case something bad happens to me. I lack appetite to eat food or the energy to cook myself anything so when I am bad all I eat are tiny things that I don't have to cook like crisps or bits of ham or cheese.

How you are coping now: I'm not great, I lost my job a month ago (it took me 14 months to find that job and I loved it very much so it has hit me very hard). It's hard not to feel like you've failed when you've been unable to hold down a job more than a few months at a time. Employers too, look very badly on it as it seems like you are indecisive. :/

[Hellz_Bellz!]

Hey guys. I figured I should probably post on this thread as I've been reading it and the other Depression thread quite regularly.

My experience with depression isn't the most severe, but it still has a major impact on my life. It's the kind of depression that comes and goes, it's quite scary. Some days I'll wake up feeling as bright as sunshine and ready to take on the world. The next morning I'll feel so dark and lethargic that I can barely drag myself out of bed for college. And a lot of the time I don't. Like today, I stayed in bed till 10 and took the whole day of college. My form tutor is the type to always check up on me, apparently it's because I'm a good student and teachers wonder why my attendance is so bad, but it irritates me. I can't tell him why I miss so much college because I don't really tell anyone. In the past I've also been very paranoid, I used to get on the train and feel like everyone was looking at me. It used to get so bad that I'd start sweating and having panic attacks - I just had to get off the train. This has improved lately but I still can't walk down the street without feeling like people are watching.

My depression has been going on for about three years. One day when I was about 15 I came home and I slumped onto my bed and just lay there, crying for hours. My mum knew something was up because I'd never acted like that before - there was no specific reason for me to be crying. Since then I've been in and out of depression. Occasionally I'll think I've dragged myself out of it and overcome it but a few days later that feeling of darkness and emptiness will hit me.

Does it affect my life? I wish I could say it didn't but it does. I miss a lot of college because I can't drag myself out of bed into the outside world. I cope with stress very badly and have anxiety attacks for the most silly of things. I'm still not 100% comfortable in social situations but always try to cover this fact up.

[SciFiRory]

Hi

im Rory, I have been depressed I would say since I was about 13/14 years old, largely as a result (so far as I can tell anyway) of being severely bullied at secondary school and to a lesser extent at primary school also, I kinda just became very withdrawn and isolated as person in my early teens and I've never really recovered from that, I feel very low most of the time and I often find it hard to get the motivation for even the simplest of things like brushing my teeth or going for a walk even, this then makes me feel even worse about myself tbh, I also have Dyspraxia and traits of Aspergers so I find academic work very difficult even when im in a good mood (which is pretty rare these days), I scrapped through with the grades I needed just about in everything I have done/gone to academically thus far, though I wasn't able to do A-Levels cause I only got C's in my GCSE's despite working really hard at them and stuff anyway, after that I did a BTEC in IT at college for 2 years before attempting a degree in Computer Games Technology, this was late 2007 and is when I really felt like my low mood became so much of an issue that I needed to really talk to other people about it, I had some health issues with my ear at this time as well, but that combined with just feeling awful all the time and lacking any motivation meant that I had no real option other than to drop out of my degree in early 2008, which really sucked cause I had made friends and actually felt accepted socially for the first time in my life when staying in halls after dropping out I really withdrew pretty badly, I barely left my room for about 6 months or so, was just unemployed at this point, early 2009 I started some voluntary work which was great at first but after a while my motivation for that slipped away as well, decided to go back into education though so did an Access to HE course in Brighton for a year (2009-2010), which was good in terms of I really enjoyed the course and got on well with people there, but at the same time my low mood was still really affecting my motivation and such, so anyway because of that I spoke to my GP about it for the first time properly and they diagnosed with depression and put me on a low dose of sertraline, which they gradually increased cause it was still affecting me despite taking the meds, I started Uni in October 2010 and that went pretty well first year, although had to get extenuating circumstances again due to low mood, I also had my first (and to date only) girlfriend in early 2011, but after a while I realised she was just using me and when I found out she was seeing someone else I ended it, but this really hurt me really badly emotionally, it wasn't long after this that in addition to being depressed

Spoiler:

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I started self harming

, which I have had ongoing instances of doing since, anyway, I guess my depression seems only to have got worse over time which doesn't make me overly optimistic for my future, second year of Uni (2011-2012) I was really struggling to get to classes and lectures and missed several assignments, so would have been in big trouble with it, but I have had to intermit anyway cause I had a severe ear infection which turned out to be this nasty thing called a cholesteotoma and then I had to have major surgery on my ear (something called a mastoidectomy) and now im basically supposed to be resting and stuff to recover from that for the time being anyway,

Spoiler:

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though being away from my friends at Uni has made my depression even worse lately and I have been self harming again as well oh and I guess I should mention that a couple of times late last year I was really struggling and tried to overdose, first on my anti-depressants which just made me sick really, then on painkillers which resulted in having to go to A&E overnight

. meds wise I was on increasing doses of Sertraline from February 2010 to October 2011, from October 2011 on 40mg Citalopram, which is now down to 20mg cause im in the process now of moving on to Mirtazapine (15mg atm), though the Mirtazapine is making me sleep and eat a lot, which isn't great really, I tend to comfort eat a fair bit anyway

oh and I have really bad social anxiety as well, like anything that involves being around people who aren't my family even I get really bad anxiety sweating and feel incredibly anxious, this makes even going to like a local shop not much fun at all, it gets worse the longer I go without trying to cope with it by being in social situations, like when I was at Uni spending time with friends sometimes after a while I relaxed and it wasn't so bad, though this was probably cause I tend to drink a large amount of alcohol when socialising.

so yeah, that's my story really I guess, I could probably go into somethings more but this post is long enough as is really

[violetstar]

[FONT=Arial]For quite a while now ive been feeling really down, i split up with my boyfriend after two and a half years about a year ago and we didn't stay friends or stayed in contact as it was kind of a rocky relationship and that really had a knock on me, i started staying in all the time and didn't want anyone else but him.. and had a terrible feeling inside the fact he was acting like i never existed.. blocked me from everything phone,facebook etc. Then a few months later i noticed he unblocked me from facebook, so i decided to unblock him and we became really friendly again even though he had a new girlfriend.. he then went on a break from his new girlfriend as she had to be with her ex as he was really ill.. so my ex arranged to meet up with me and we ended up going on a date then i ended up going home with him.. and we slept together. I really do regret it but i couldn't help how i felt at the time. a few weeks later after this he told me he couldn't be with me and it destroyed me.. he then blocked me from everything yet again and it kinda destroyed me..

I started living the single life for months but then after a while a guy i knew through a friend split up with his girlfriend who was a girl who used to bully me at school, he then asked me out and i wasn't sure at first then ended up saying yes. As i got to know him i began to love him but still had my ex in my mind.. im now finally over my ex and ive now been with my new boyfriend for 8 months, he said he loves me alot and i really love him too, but a part of me always thinks he doesn't love me and that im not good enough for him even though he treats me quite well.. i dont know if i have insecurities or issues, i dont know why i feel this way its like i constantly put a barrier between us like i cant feel him loving me.

It also really annoys me knowing he slept with a girl who used to bully me. I know he wasn't with me at the time but i still think about it alot. I feel like im straining our relationship and i wish i could be this amazing, confident, good looking girl with so many ambitions in life.. but i feel like im just a fat mess who isn't good enough. (i have been on numerous diets and cant seem to get rid of the weight, it really has a knock on my self-esteem, i feel like less of a human being and that everyone looks at me in disgust, and my friends are really pretty whilst im not)

Also in work im really sick of it its the same routine day in and day out, sitting at a desk with lots of filing, lots of paperwork, phones constantly ringing, constant work to be doing. Full of people who are in there 30s and whom i have nothing (or very little in common with.) it is soul-destroying but the money is really really good.. but sometimes i think to myself would i rather money or happiness?.

my contract ends in a few months but i cant seem to find a job.. and im not really sure if i want to work in an office anymore im so stressed, exhausted and i have constant headaches and i really dont think its the right job for a 19 year old like me.. , i think people at my age should be out exploring doing part time jobs, studying etc not sitting in an office with people i cant really relate too...


everynight i go home and feel really down and drained.. like i want to burst out crying .. wishing things would get better.. that life would change and id suddenly be full of energy.. let my boyfriend love me, love myself, love my job love everything in general.. but i just cant feel it right now..


i want my old body back also.. the fact ive put on loads of weight has a knock on my confidence.. i constantly walk around shops looking for clothes that would look good on my body but cant find anything... i really hate shopping its full of skinny, pretty happy girls, having fun, buying lovely clothes, surrounded by lots of friends... then theres me.. the fatter girl with nothing going on .. lack of confidence, lack of everything in life..

I know none of this makes sense at all and that its not in paragraphs or whatever but i just blurted out what was inside me ... and its a big messyyy story to be honest, im sorry ! noone has to read it, just to take my thoughts out of my system

[Anonymous]

Just thought I'd update this, as I posted my original nearly a year ago now.

This last year hasn't been any easier than the last; in some ways it's been harder. I've been living pretty much alone (living with 4 international students who don't speak my language) and just kind of... stewing, I guess. Around Christmas time I noticed a massive change in my behaviour; whilst I've always been pretty health conscious, I've never really said that I can't eat anything or had feelings of guilt around food. At Christmas it was obvious that something in that had changed though. I'm not sure what, I'm still trying to figure it out. I've gone from self harming to what is probably the beginnings of an eating disorder and whilst I'm fully aware of that fact, there's not much I can do to stop it it feels. I now have to exercise as much as possible and feel disappointed if I don't, I don't eat chocolate or sweets any more, I have a strict calorie limit on what I can eat per day and panic if I go over it, I hate eating in public now and I'd rather drink a diet coke than eat anything. Going back home from uni scares me so much because here I have total control over what I buy and what I do/don't eat. I would rather go out for a run than socialise and I get really stressed out if people try and push food on me. But yet again, food is all I think about. I think the turning point was when I had a meltdown over a batch of cheese and bacon strips I was making over easter. I over rolled the pastry and managed to send my bowl of grated cheese flying; to the normal person this would've been a bit of a bother and followed by a few choice words but to me it was a disaster and I might as well be dead for it. I screamed, swore at both my parents (which I've never done before and would never do again) and ran away crying my eyes out. I have no idea why; I can remember focusing so much on how many calories were in every ingredient that I was stressing about that and when it all went wrong **** went down in my head. Despite these thoughts I've not lost a massive amount of weight; about 5lbs since February; but I know that my head isn't right here. I want to lose another 20lbs... which would put me in the underweight BMI. The rational part of my brain screams at me that I'm fine as I am but the louder, more resounding voice is the one that tells me I'm pathetic, I have no worth, I'm soooo fat it's amazing that chairs don't snap underneath me and I'm so ugly I can break mirrors by just walking past. The same voice is the one that tells me to punish myself for 'over-eating' or eating things I enjoy (like cookies!) and that I have to cut myself when I don't follow all the rules.

Having said that, self harm is no longer a massive priority for me, I still want to do it and I have days where it takes all my strength and resolve to stop myself but I've been free from it since late November so nearly half a year. The hardest thing is the voice in my head that I mentioned before. It's so mean and spiteful. I still tend to panic and put my head in the sand when things get serious but I'm hoping to work on that over summer and the next year otherwise I honestly don't know if I could go into full time work without something going majorly wrong.

I hope soon that I'll figure out just why I feel this way. I've been going to counselling this semester and whilst I've stuck at it longer than ever before I still don't think it's doing me any good. Maybe I'll find a new therapy or drug that cures me, maybe I won't, but I guess I'm going to be stuck around the Dep Soc for a little while longer!

[Anonymous]

Been very very unhappy since about 11. When I was 16 or so two of my friends told a teacher. Teacher told my parents and I was referred to counselling. Counselling was horrible. One of the worst experiences I'd had in my life. Counsellor seemed to have a really poor grasp of human emotion and generally looked down on me. I kept going so as not to disappoint parents, and I also got referred to GP, who was basically uninterested and passed me on to a Psychiatric nurse. The nurse was the only nice guy I came across, but he was easily pushing 60 and so I didn't connect with him that well. He passed me on to the consultant psychiatrist, who was atrocious and has since seen disciplinary action for his treatment of me.
At this time I also saw two adolescent psychiatrists, one psychotherapist, and one CBT practitioner. All of which were pretty terrible. The CBT therapist seemed like an ok guy, he was just useless, and acknowledged a couple of times that we were getting nowhere. Everyone else involved seemed to take their job as being "convince him that he's ill and give as many drugs as possible. Question everything he says in session until he can't be bothered with you any more."
Eventually I ended up being sectioned. The hospital Psychiatrist I was put under was dreadful. At one point I found out that she had full on lied in my notes. I brought this up in a meeting and she asked how I had seen my notes. I said "are you really more concerned about the manner in which I got this information than the fact my treatment is based on fabrications?" She said yes.
All of the nurses were a disgrace. Apparently they only get paid to fill in paperwork and wait until fights break out so they can restrain people. Apparently you should have a 1-1 session with a nurse twice a week or something? I think they classed lunchtimes are 1-1s or something, because this never happened. The only person I spoke to was the cleaner, who was pleasant, though stereotypically a bit dim (and stereotypically a bit foreign ) Eventually I broke a couple of bones and I was taken to the emergency room of an actual hospital. It turned out during my stay in A&E that I'd be discharged from the section, so went back home.
A small amount of time passed while I was doing voluntary work. I enjoyed this, but at the same time my life became fixated on it. I didn't bother doing anything else, and eventually couldn't be bothered with the voluntary work. It was around this time that I began seeing and hearing everything through a "filter." I couldn't look at anything I owned without seeing the negatives of my shallow, consumerist life. I couldn't listen to people without detecting the pity in their voice, and I couldn't speak back without becoming acutely aware of how valueless and pathetic what I wanted to say was. I eventually stopped talking, and was completely mute for just over a year.
During this time I went through a couple of psychiatrists and psychiatric nurses, and one psychologist. If you've noticed the trend, I'm sure you can guess what I thought of these people. What's worst is that the level of data protection here was dreadful. Many things about me were leaked to my family, and personal information about my sister was leaked to me. I was sectioned during this time, and my muteness was used as an excuse to inject me with various drugs (I screamed during one as I am terrified of injections) and force feed me meat (I am vegetarian, and later found out that fact was in my notes, but this nevertheless happened on at least 5 occasions).
Eventually I was discharged and am studying A-levels now. I still feel dreadful, though I'm glad at the moment there is nobody involved. I don't exactly wish I could die, but I do wish I'd never been born.

Drugs I've taken at one point or another:
Fluoxetine - Ruined my chess ability, also made erections impossible
Sertraline - No effects
Venlafaxine - Headaches, "zombie" feeling
Lorazepam - This one was fun, small blue pill makes you instantly calm
Olanzapine - I think this made me put on weight
Respiridone - Chess ability destroyed, basically unable to think at all

And some others for shorter time spans.

[kateprkr]

I have been in depression for almost 2 months because i was suffering form a bad break up plus i was unemployed and something was going wrong in my life that i am not able to understand and was really confused but as there is saying 'Time is the best medicine for all the mental issues and depression'.That time was hard but it teaches you how to live life and move forward in life.

[Anonymous]

Just need to let off some steam. Posting Anonymously as I want to keep it private. Been in depression for about roughly four years now. No trigger event or anything (even though I have been witness to dark and tragic family events), just the result of years of loneliness and low self-esteem. I could never seem to maintain any friendships or relationships with anyone and anytime it starts to look like a positive I always mess it up. My secondary school years were dark and depressing. I had no one I could actually talk to and what friends I did have got so distant that I don't even look them in the face anymore. I literally mean no friends - i'm not exaggerating here. I'm nearing 18 now, with hardly anyone I can call a friend and definitely a long way off from getting a girlfriend (though i've come close to before, my negative, self-depreciating state of mind hindered what could have been something great). I left secondary school with great grades but failed socially and it now looks set to be the same now for college/sixth form. I became an outcast because everyone else felt I was looking down on them and being snobbish and it just wasn't the case. I watch others go by having fun, while I walk the long jouney home again alone.

My depression affected so much of my life that it just got worse at the time (during school), when I started sketching dark drawings and writing dark stories in which most of the charcters were just basically illustrations of my anger and sadness, horror films and bleak dramas became a past time, and lost what little faith i had in society and sympathy. I began to think what life would be like had I not been around and other stuff I don't care to mention. I felt (and sometimes still) feel like i'm losing my mind, that i'm slowly going insane and starting to lose it completely. I'm isolated and alone. My family (only one family member knows how i feel i feel) is only going to be around for so long before i'm completely by myself.

It's taken a long time to reverse the negative thinking and effects and its still a massive struggle as I can easily fall back into depression. I'm not diagnosed or anything, because I brush it off as nothing, but I might have to soon as if there's anything that the past four years have taught me is that bottling it up isn't healthy because it can snowball like it did for me - but what else could i do - i couldn't burden my family they had enough on their plate. All I can do now is to put all of college and school life along with everyone associated with them completely behind me, and look to make new friends (should i not mess it up as flipping usual) in a possible apprenticeship. There, that's my rant, that's my piece. I just had to get it off my chest. I've just got to be grateful I didn't (and so far) not reached the physical stage of depression (self-harm), but that doesn't make it any less harmful to my life than it has been so far. Because i'm look back on my teenage years and only see sadness

[madders94]

Diagnosis - Moderate depression
Treatment - I saw CAMHS twice and my doctor a few times, but the biggest help came from a Relate counsellor. It was meant to be family counselling, but the counsellor was amazing and saw me on my own and let me talk about everything, not just my family issues.


I think if there is a genetic link with mental illness and mood disorders, I've always been a sitting duck. My dad has bipolar and PTSD, my mom has depression and OCD, so I've always known a fair bit about mental illnesses but never thought I'd actually get one. When I was 13/14, in Year 9, I had anxiety attacks and would spend most of the school day hiding in the toilets because I couldn't face going to lessons. At first the school didn't seem to understand and thought I was just skiving, but eventually they did realize that it wasn't on purpose and were much better about it. Things improved for a while, I did alright in my GCSEs but could have done so much better if I hadn't been ill, but it got me into college. A few weeks before my GCSEs, I'd been with a boyfriend for three months and was hating every second of it. He was nasty, he could make me cry with the things he said, he was a bit free and easy with his hands, always compared me to other girls and spoke about how he wishes he was with them instead of me etc. So I broke up with him and I felt he deserved how I did it - over Facebook - but everyone I spoke to was horrified at how cruel it was. I was too embarrassed to tell them how awful he'd been to me because I knew the response would be "Why didn't you leave him sooner?", but truth is, I was scared to. Not because of him, more because of the fact that everyone seemed to like him, and I knew they wouldn't believe me and would turn against me.

So over the summer my self esteem was shot to pieces, and my friends fell out with each other - and, as I waded in to try and stick up for one of my best friends, whom everyone was picking on purely because she's Welsh ( ), they turned against me and one of them accused me of bullying (we became friends not long after and, soon after that she did it again!), so the summer wasn't great. On top of that my parents were falsely accused of benefit fraud, had an investigation launched against them and feelings of paranoia began to grow, we never knew who was watching us or anything, which was scary, and we were getting angry letters and the man who we think reported us made our name mud in the village where we live - he runs a shop and anyone who went in, he'd delight in telling them about how we're thieves and benefit frauds and people like us shouldn't be allowed to live here. The investigation found us innocent but mud sticks and he turned a lot of people against us, making us feel like outcasts.

Started college and at first things were alright, but then I started to struggle. I just kept getting niggly little colds, and they were keeping me off college so that I started to fall behind. During this time, the girl who was meant to be one of my best friends (the one who accused me of bullying her before) found a new group of friends and decided she didn't want to hang out with me anymore. Now, I could understand this if she'd just told me, but she started acting very cold, and every time I wasn't at college she'd roll her eyes and accuse me of skiving, and start posting snide little Facebook statuses and, at first, I didn't realize they were about me. Around this time I started self harming and having suicidal thoughts, and as soon as I started seeing the doctor about it, this girl decided that it was time for all out war (she's a very jealous person and seems to love it when she gets ill or hurt because it means she gets attention ).

At the same time, I was self harming, having suicidal thoughts etc and just decided the world would be better off without me. I'd started talking to a guy from my theatre group who had supported me after everything my ex did, and we spoke quite a lot, and one night we were talking on MSN and he knew how down I was, knew I was self harming and I confessed to him that I wanted to kill myself that evening. He wrote me a message telling me how beautiful I was and stayed talking to me until I was too tired to do anything and fell asleep. I had a few more stumbles with the self harm, but vowed that I didn't want to do it anymore, and forced myself to stop using the rubber band around the wrist technique, which worked for the most part.

I ended up in a relationship with the guy who had helped me so much, and suddenly this "friend" became incredibly jealous and started spreading rumours about me and posting Facebook statuses. Eventually I confronted her and she started ranting at me about how I make things up for attention and I spend more time thinking about my boyfriend than I did about her, and the Facebook statuses she posted about me were horrible. I didn't retaliate for a while, but when I saw that she'd encouraged adults - her parents and her friends' parents - to post on her status about what an awful person I obviously was, despite the fact that none of them had ever met me, I got fed up and posted one Facebook status, saying I was fed up of lies and rumours and pathetic people.

Next thing I know, I'm hauled in front of the Head of A Levels and told that I need to stop with this "pathetic bullying". No-one listens to me insisting that she started it and the awful thing is that she deleted all of her comments and statuses as soon as she reported me, so that no-one would believe me. So all of this only served to deepen my depression because I was bullied as a child by these girls who I can only describe as vile - when my little brother died, they told me my mom would be next, and this was in early primary school. To be accused of bullying was awful, and although I wasn't self harming anymore, I was pretty deep in depression.

For me, counselling helped, but I'm fairly certain that the catalyst which helped me recover to the point where, today, I still have the occasional relapse but I haven't been to the doctor about any mental health problems for over a year and a bit, was my boyfriend. We've been together eighteen months this weekend and he, along with the counselling and throwing myself into my studies and hobbies I enjoyed, has really helped me to recover. I'm now happy and I've got a university offer for September 2012, something I never thought possible considering that just over a year and a half ago, I wasn't planning on seeing that Christmas

It's a shame my childhood and teenage years have been marred by all this, but I'm focusing now on giving myself happy memories too, and making sure that they stand out more than the bad times. I also feel more prepared to help my own kids when I have them, if they ever struggle with anything similar.

I apologize for the fact that I don't really describe many of the emotions I felt at the time. I've tried to block out much of what happened, which isn't very healthy, but it makes me feel better in the short term. I feel very detached from that time, as though it was a different person and I can only describe what happened rather than the emotions I felt, even though at the time they were all-consuming and overwhelming. I still have scars on my arms and legs but they're starting to fade thankfully.

Thanks for this thread, getting it all out really has helped and I hope my experience is able to offer advice or hope in any way to people who read it. And a big to everyone currently in the grip of or recovered from this terrible illness.