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My boyfriend keeps his ex's stuff - would this bother you?

My boyfriend keeps stuff from his past relationships all over the house. It's his house, but I live with him so obviously I'm going to open drawers and stuff.

The other day I dropped a tub of moisturiser down the back of his chest of drawers by mistake, and found loads of photo frames hidden behind there with pictures of him and his exes.

Other things I've found include old Christmas and birthday cards, an expensive ring with an ex's name on, more photographs, and a stash of revolting love notes.

I mean when we got together I got rid of all my stuff from my ex for his benefit, but he doesn't seem to be showing me the same courtesy, and it makes me feel like I'm 'just another girl' and like he's less genuine because he still keeps all this stuff.

Would this bother anyone else? Why is he hanging on to it, and what would you do?

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not really anything to worry about, ive done the same, i hate my ex, but don't like throwing things away.
the fact he has pictures is a bit weird and your justified to ask him to chuck them though
Reply 2
It would be a lot different if the stuff wasn't hidden away, I can understand how this makes you feel - if I found my girlfriend had that kind of stuff hidden in her room I'd be pretty pissed. I think the best thing to do (as with most things like this) is to confront him about it and take it from there.
Reply 3
Thanks, good to know it's not just me, I find it hard to tell whether my feelings are appropriate most of the time. :smile:
I wouldn't be comfortable with it. Only reason I would do that is because I treasured the memories I had with my ex, which means I miss her. So certainly from my point of view I wouldn't stand for it.
Reply 5
It's hard NOT to be pissed because it might show that your boyfriend can't move on. BUT, I can completely relate to him. I'm the kind of guy who likes to hold on to memories and gets attached over possessions that might not hold much value but hold more sentimental value. Maybe your boyfriend's like this? While he may have moved on, he just likes keeping things for the memory.
Maybe he doesn't realise quite how much stuff he has. Were those pictures 'hidden' or had they just fallen down and been forgotten (if he's anything like my boyfriend when it comes to tidying this is definitely possible!)

Likewise the love letters and other things. I haven't had any serious enough exes to actually still have any of their stuff, though sometimes to odd valentines card still shows up, where I've been tidying my room and shoved it in a box without thinking. This all could be a genuine mistake/general laziness on his part.

Just talk to him and try to be reasonable. I'm sure he's not clinging on to them because he misses them more than he likes you just now
no this would not bother me with my boyfriend.
Reply 8
Original post by Blindsailor
Maybe he doesn't realise quite how much stuff he has. Were those pictures 'hidden' or had they just fallen down and been forgotten (if he's anything like my boyfriend when it comes to tidying this is definitely possible!)

Likewise the love letters and other things. I haven't had any serious enough exes to actually still have any of their stuff, though sometimes to odd valentines card still shows up, where I've been tidying my room and shoved it in a box without thinking. This all could be a genuine mistake/general laziness on his part.

Just talk to him and try to be reasonable. I'm sure he's not clinging on to them because he misses them more than he likes you just now


Definitely hidden, I had to get him to help me push the chest of drawers out so he knows I've seen those, and he just said that they were there because he couldn't exactly put them up in the house.
To be fair, you did imply that these things were stuffed at the back of the draw, so it's not like they're plastered all over the walls in broad daylight 24/7. You have a right to be miffed, but he has just as much a right to say 'they're my memories, I want to keep them'.
I've kept all my ex's stuff too, because I don't believe in obliterating the past or trying to forget about it. My past relationships are effectively part of me and I wouldn't be the person I am without them - destroying all remnants of them would be like destroying part of myself.

If he's anything like me it absolutely doesn't mean he wants her back or anything like that, but it's understandable why you'd be concerned.

His motivations could be different to mine though, especially considering the stuff was (carefully?) hidden, so I'd confront him about it.
ah yeah i would be very bothered.. you could talk to him in a friendly way to dont create a bad situation.. you could say 'sooo baby, i saw some stuff of your ex..pretty cute,but are going to keep all this stuff? :smile:'
I understand that it bothers you. I haven't been in the same situation myself, so don't know exactly how I'd feel about it. But for me - when a relationship is over, it is over. It doesn't really matter if I'm dating someone new yet, I still get rid of old stuff, simply to move on. The only reason you'd keep old letters, texts, pictures and so on is basically to have the possibility to sit and think about the time you spent together, which is highly inappropriate with a new partner and will get you nowhere.
Yes sometimes it's painful to delete sweet words your love wrote to you, but I get rid of it no matter how hard. It's just stuff, and particularly in this situation - if it bothers you, he should throw it out.
Hope none of this stuff is pictures hanging up on the wall. Had that with 2 exes of mine who felt it was O.K since they had a kid together! WTF
Reply 14
Original post by Artvandelay
I understand that it bothers you. I haven't been in the same situation myself, so don't know exactly how I'd feel about it. But for me - when a relationship is over, it is over. It doesn't really matter if I'm dating someone new yet, I still get rid of old stuff, simply to move on. The only reason you'd keep old letters, texts, pictures and so on is basically to have the possibility to sit and think about the time you spent together, which is highly inappropriate with a new partner and will get you nowhere.
Yes sometimes it's painful to delete sweet words your love wrote to you, but I get rid of it no matter how hard. It's just stuff, and particularly in this situation - if it bothers you, he should throw it out.


Thank you, I couldn't have put it better. This is exactly how I feel about it, particularly since he was the one who said when we first started going out that he thinks past relationships should be left in the past.
Why does it bother you?
It's his ex, he's with you.

Should he delete the memories from his mind as well as the physical reminders he has of that relationship that constituted his past?

Some people are just more sentimental than others or are hoarders etc. My ex still had boxes full of stuff from her exes as she couldnt bear to throw anything out.

Don't force him to throw it out, he will just hate you for it if he isn't ready to do that. Just casually bring it up in conversation to say that you had seen it, maybe he will realise that he has moved on and will throw it out himself. If not then you'll just have to live with it, it's only stuff.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you, I couldn't have put it better. This is exactly how I feel about it, particularly since he was the one who said when we first started going out that he thinks past relationships should be left in the past.

Hm, if he said that then yeah you have a reason to be annoyed. I'm always very open about my desire to keep stuff right from the start.
Reply 17
I've kept stuff from two relationships so far. The last one I will eventually throw it away though. But the one before him, I was in a relationship with for two years and he has made me who I am now, and contributed to my life significantly in those two years. I am not in love with him anymore, he's not even in my life as a friend anymore (he was for a while but then we realised we couldn't make the friendship work), but I have kept all presents, cards and letters he wrote for me. I rarely look at them, I think I've looked at them once since we broke up. I just don't see why I should throw them away when they meant so much to me at one point. *shrug*
Reply 18
Well I have asked him about it, and he says that most of it he just hasn't got round to going through and throwing away, but some of it he wants to keep as a memento but it means nothing, and I guess I'm ok with that.
Those memories helped make him the man he is today. I have a folder full of the kind of thing you're describing. I keep it hidden but I wouldn't dispose of it for anyone. If a partner asked me to I'd consider them incredibly suffocating and rather insecure.

If he discusses his exes all the time or leaves this kind of sentimental hooey on display that would be different.
(edited 12 years ago)