Comedy first chapter snippet - should I continue?

I don't ever want to write commercially for money, I just enjoy writing and making people laugh!

This is my first ever attempt at writing I'm not really creative and I haven't had much time to revise it either, but let me know if you find it humorous and I'll keep going!

It's about three teenagers leaving school and going to Madrid for a gap year:

1. JABA THE HUTS BROTHER

It’s one of those things you only deemed a possibility in a slapstick comedy film or on the Disney channel, you would never think (and never hope) it would happen to you – at least on this scale. But yes, it happened. Sat next to, or rather sat on me on my flight was a thirty stone creature that could have easily casted as Jabba the Hut’s long lost brother in the next Star Wars with no special effects or make-up required. Ridicule aside and reality in perspective, he truly wasn’t far from the type of human waste bins you see on The Jerry Springer show that need to be fork lifted on to the stage. If we were on a light turboprop aircraft the pilot would have had to politely ask him to sit alone on one side of the plane with the rest of the passengers on the other side. The self-satisfaction of arriving early at check-in to get a window seat to enjoy the stunning Iberian vistas soon turned into disquiet that my bladder and I wouldn’t be on the best of terms by the end of this flight.

Departure from the gate at Liverpool was looming and I thought it would be unseemly to inform Jabba’s sibling that my seatbelt was lost underneath his gargantuan arse which threadworms would have had a field day in. Instead I decided to wait for the stewardess to point out that I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt, in the expectation that he’ll sympathetically realize his weight is yet again an obstruction in society. I’m a strong advocate of free will and living your life how you want to live it, if he enjoys feasting on babies and whole pigs then that’s fine by me, but for Christ’s sake some consideration for others and buy two seats when flying! I was supposed to be sitting next to two friends who we’re coming to Madrid with me. Kudos to easyJet for not allocating seats I thought to myself.

I fastened my newly acquired, pre-heated seat-belt and wriggled into my sub-economy seat, and just as I was about to have my long-awaited muse as to why I was even on this plane I was pleasantly reminded of my sexual fascination for air hostesses. Struggling to gain access to an over-head compartment a couple of rows in front, there stood an air hostess. She had dark curly hair, all laid to one side, olive skin with big, dark eyes, and modelling a skin-tight suit jacket with a pencil skirt that looked so tight that if she had to move her legs off the floor more than a few inches it would tragically burst open. You wouldn’t have a problem gaining access to my undercarriage I thought to myself. Then a less tasteful, male and/or female colleague came along to assist her which abruptly snapped me out of my absorption. So why am I here? The three of us had just left sixth form and weren’t quite ready for university so we was looking for an experience, something that would culture, inspire, educate and mature us. ‘A threesome with two Spanish girls, a threesome with two Spanish girls’ I animatedly repeated in my head. Clearly I needed some decaf I thought if a threesome with Spanish girls is all that’s on my excited mind, albeit an undeniable motive. It wasn’t until the blend of fluffy white clouds and some meditative flamenco music at 30,000 ft that I realized I was here simply to sample a different life and have new experiences, before I get wrapped up in routine life back in jolly old England. And just maybe smother myself in chicas españolas along the way...

Soon after when the seatbelt sign was turned off, I decided to go and give Anthony and Perry a visit at the front of the plane where I too should have been seated if it wasn’t for us being late boarding. Ten minutes later after waiting for Jaba to pant and groan out of his seat and after slithering past the air hostesses – making sure I was front-facing them – I was by the front of the plane with Anthony nearest to me and Perry a few rows in front.
Anthony, or Antonio when we’re speaking Spanish, is a buoyant and comical guy who has an eerie obsession with Tesco, everything (and anyone) that is Basque, and has an extraordinary ability to hook up with good-looking women time after time without being no Brad Pitt himself. Then there’s Perry, a self-loving, self-righteous male model who will almost certainly never get married because he’ll never find anyone who loves him more than he does. But before you assume, Perry is a bit like ugly food. First impression begets distaste without even trying it, and unless you do try it, you’re opinion will forever stay that way. Deep down he has compassion and affection to share with everyone –well, not quite everyone - he suffers from chronic cacophobia.

The official Urban Dictionary definition for ‘wingman’ is “a guy you bring along with you on singles outings (like to bars) that helps you out with the women. The Wingman will always be there to occupy the least attractive girl of the pair so that you may engage in the ‘hotty’” While this may be true for Anthony, who will always be grateful for the food (more often than not fodder) life puts on his platter , Perry is more of my ‘frontman’ or ‘attacker’ . I use his magnetic looks to attract a pair of eye-opening, penis-enlarging girls. He will always get the hotter of the two and out of goodwill and sportsmanship her hot, ridiculously drunk friend will usually offer me her menu, and I will usually elect the most expensive dish there is.

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 1

purplebutterfly

Well, you've created the most unpleasant narrator I've ever encountered (including the adorable cast from this), but I didn't think it was a funny piece. What kind of comedy do you like to read/watch/listen to? (I ask to establish whether or not we just have completely different senses of humour) At present, the 'jokes' feel forced, and technically speaking, there are some tense changes and grammatical issues that need addressing, but I think you'd be better off starting from scratch with a more likeable protagonist before you focus on those aspects.

Comedy first chapter snippet - should I continue?

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