Social anxiety is ruining my life and preventing me getting a job

Hi all,

I am so fustrated I just dont know what to do.

All my life I guess I have been 'shy' or 'quiet.' From little school to university.

At university I just kept to myself and I did have a few friends but not many. I dont drink or anything but I dont have anything against those that do like to drink. I never once in 3 years went out to a nightclub or anything. Just stayed in and learnt a foreign language and computer programming skills or did my work. I have worked hard all my life. I have never had a social life however. Never really had close friends. Never had a girlfriend, never kissed a girl (I am straight and I do like girls and everything but I'm socially anxious around everyone, I just cant imagine ever going up to a girl and asking one out lol - what to do I have no life?)

I havent had much practice being social at all.

I am basically socially retarded.

This is now a really big problem for me? Up to now I could just hide away but now I have graduated or if I want to do anything in life I am going to have to get over this problem.

In a job interview today, the interviewer basically asked if I had a disability!? Do you know how mortifying this was to me? The ironic thing was I thought I was actually having a decent day - not as bad as usual. I was still stammering and my mind was going blank in the interview but then it got really bad after he said that. All my confidence went away.

I am so socially retarded that people think I am mentally disabled? How upsetting is that!?

The tragic thing is I come across as intelligent on paper but I open my mouth and can come across as a complete thicko. My mind feels numb when socialising. I am starting to wonder if I am thick and retarded?

I actually speak very slowly and sound stupid I guess even in no pressure situations with my friends come to think of it so imagine adding the pressure of being with strangers I must sound mental.

I am getting job interviews but crashing completly because of my social anxiety.

I do start to relax around people I know but I am terrified of strangers and people in senior positions like managers of companies or people older than me.

How do I get over this? I live in the middle of nowhere with my parents, civilization is a 1 hour 20 minute bus drive away!!!!!!! I have basically not come out the house for the last 4 months.... I have no friends.. no hobbies... I am under pressure to get a job, my parents have made a mess of there business and losing money fast they need me to support myself, my brother has severe OCD,depression and social anxiety and tragically there doesnt seem much hope for him he is destroying the family with his problems. I feel under so much pressure to succeed but I have my own problems but I cannot be a burden on my family like my brother is it would kill my parents.

Please someone help me. How can I get over social anxiety? How do I stop feeling so dumb and stupid in interviews, how do I stop my mind going blank, how do I stop the stammering? How can I come across as bright and cheery, friendly etc?

Has anyone else got over it?

Thanks for reading this.

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

You sound like me. Have you spoken to your doctor about this?

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Anonymous

You sound like me. Have you spoken to your doctor about this?

No I dont really want to, I am scared they will drug me up - that it will go on my medical record that I am crazy and had to have therapy. I dont really think drugs will help my situation - whats the point of feeling all calm and spaced out if the end result is me still not socialising properly but feeling content to be that way. There are also all the side effects etc.

Reply 3

hannah_dru

2

Original post by Anonymous

No I dont really want to, I am scared they will drug me up - that it will go on my medical record that I am crazy and had to have therapy. I dont really think drugs will help my situation - whats the point of feeling all calm and spaced out if the end result is me still not socialising properly but feeling content to be that way. There are also all the side effects etc.

It shouldn't do and I don't think you'd be deemed as crazy, it takes a lot for that to actually happen.

Reply 4

FluxD

10

Hey.

I had a string of job interviews one after the other and I get nervous in them, physical reactions such as temors and what not. So I went to the doctor and asked for a propranolol prescription that blocks adrenolin receptors.

40mg before any event where you are going to be put under pressure such as an interview, presentation or what not is an absolute miracle worker. I mean really, you don't experience nerves! All physical sides are blocked and because of this you can act calmly and get on with it.

I never really had bad psychological anxiety, mine was mostly physical. But ask doc and try some propanolol and see if it works for you. Bonuses are it doesn't make your drowsy or dulled at all like xanax, valium etc. It just blocks the effects of adrenolin such as stammering, nerves, butterflys in stomach and makes you really calm without any change in mental clarity.

If it is affecting you getting jobs and stuff like that, don't just live with it, get it sorted.

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 5

Anonymous #3

I'm even worse than you, I'm struggling to make myslef go to university at all because of my social anxiety. I'm honestly considering giving up my place at UCL to study with the Open University instead, just so that I don't have to subject myself to the torture of having to interact with other people. I can't suggest a solution I'm afraid because I haven't been able to overcome it myself, to be honest I doubt I ever will. One thing I will say is that you're not stupid. Social ineptness can make you come across that way, but if you sound intelligent on paper you most probably are.

Good luck.

Reply 6

GSDog

3

Original post by Anonymous

How do I get over this? I live in the middle of nowhere with my parents, civilization is a 1 hour 20 minute bus drive away!!!!!!! I have basically not come out the house for the last 4 months.... I have no friends.. no hobbies...

There's your problem. You live in the middle of nowhere so I am guessing that you're not used to meeting and talking to many strangers, etc? Is that how you've grown up your whole life?

First and foremost you need to get yourself a social life or you will seriously struggle to succeed. Once you have friends and begin to socialise, you will gain confidence and this will enable you to fly through those interviews. Don't even worry about girlfriends right now, that isn't important. Getting your social life back on track and gaining confidence is what you need right now.

Is there anything which you are interested in? Sports, gym, photography, computers; anything?! Find yourself a group which you can join. It will be very tough for you to join a bunch of strangers at first, but after a while you will get to know them and gradually your confidence will increase.

The only way to get over your social anxiety is to meet and talk to strangers on a regular basis. You need to force yourself, even if it means simply walking into a shop and talking to the cashier when you buy something. Every time you are in the position to talk to a stranger, do it. Nothing bad will happen (unless you insult them!) and you have absolutely nothing to fear.

Regarding the job interviews; it's not unusual for a job interviewer to ask whether you have a disability or not. How do you know he/she asked you that question because of your social anxiety? I suggest that you're honest next time, say that you do suffer from social anxiety and explain that you get nervous in interviews but that it will not effect your work.

Good luck.

Reply 7

Pinkiepie28

2

I really feel for you my friend. I am exactly the same. I am basically stuck in limbo with no income, and i feel like a social retard also. It is horrible isnt it? We need to set up a group for people like us so that we can support each other. How could we do that? Louise x

Reply 8

Xarao

20

Original post by Pinkiepie28

I really feel for you my friend. I am exactly the same. I am basically stuck in limbo with no income, and i feel like a social retard also. It is horrible isnt it? We need to set up a group for people like us so that we can support each other. How could we do that? Louise x

Clearly you have far more problems than being socially awkward considering that you just posted on a 7 year old thread.

Reply 9

BenK64

16

Original post by Anonymous

I am so socially retarded that people think I am mentally disabled? How upsetting is that!?

I spat my drink out reading this lol.

Reply 10

Analyst89

20

Original post by Anonymous

Hi all,

I am so fustrated I just dont know what to do.

All my life I guess I have been 'shy' or 'quiet.' From little school to university.

At university I just kept to myself and I did have a few friends but not many. I dont drink or anything but I dont have anything against those that do like to drink. I never once in 3 years went out to a nightclub or anything. Just stayed in and learnt a foreign language and computer programming skills or did my work. I have worked hard all my life. I have never had a social life however. Never really had close friends. Never had a girlfriend, never kissed a girl (I am straight and I do like girls and everything but I'm socially anxious around everyone, I just cant imagine ever going up to a girl and asking one out lol - what to do I have no life?)

I havent had much practice being social at all.

I am basically socially retarded.

This is now a really big problem for me? Up to now I could just hide away but now I have graduated or if I want to do anything in life I am going to have to get over this problem.

In a job interview today, the interviewer basically asked if I had a disability!? Do you know how mortifying this was to me? The ironic thing was I thought I was actually having a decent day - not as bad as usual. I was still stammering and my mind was going blank in the interview but then it got really bad after he said that. All my confidence went away.

I am so socially retarded that people think I am mentally disabled? How upsetting is that!?

The tragic thing is I come across as intelligent on paper but I open my mouth and can come across as a complete thicko. My mind feels numb when socialising. I am starting to wonder if I am thick and retarded?

I actually speak very slowly and sound stupid I guess even in no pressure situations with my friends come to think of it so imagine adding the pressure of being with strangers I must sound mental.

I am getting job interviews but crashing completly because of my social anxiety.

I do start to relax around people I know but I am terrified of strangers and people in senior positions like managers of companies or people older than me.

How do I get over this? I live in the middle of nowhere with my parents, civilization is a 1 hour 20 minute bus drive away!!!!!!! I have basically not come out the house for the last 4 months.... I have no friends.. no hobbies... I am under pressure to get a job, my parents have made a mess of there business and losing money fast they need me to support myself, my brother has severe OCD,depression and social anxiety and tragically there doesnt seem much hope for him he is destroying the family with his problems. I feel under so much pressure to succeed but I have my own problems but I cannot be a burden on my family like my brother is it would kill my parents.

Please someone help me. How can I get over social anxiety? How do I stop feeling so dumb and stupid in interviews, how do I stop my mind going blank, how do I stop the stammering? How can I come across as bright and cheery, friendly etc?

Has anyone else got over it?

Thanks for reading this.

I used to have bad shyness and social anxiety.

What I did was surround myself with positive people and I forced myself to go into situations and learn from it.

Take it in steps. You could also read books about it and there are some good books out there where you can borrow from the library or buy at watersones, amazon.

1) Relax, imagine you're just observing or there as a traveller. For example, if you are on holiday, you go there to experience and observe the attraction, you're not going to get anxious doing that are you?

2) Smile, smiling in contagious.

3) Be confident, respect yourself, accept yourself, work out, wear good clothes, feel good, focus on your passions, know you are a good person who treats people well, you have got as much right as everyone else.

Think positively, be proud of yourself, do things that make you happy, remember your happy times, what makes you confident? What makes you proud? Do you have a skill you are good at? Do things like cooking, driving, learning that increases your confidence daily. Relax.

Have good posture, body language, improve your appearance. Be happy with yourself.

Be with positive people, progress, you could learn a new skill.

4) Dress well, have good grooming, hairstyle, have good posture.

5) Just say hi or hey to people in your vicinity, who cares if they don't say anything back?

6) Ask how they are, how's it going, how's everything, what's the latest, what made them choose this course, their plans for the future, their plans for the rest of the day, weekend, how was their weekend, what they will get up to, what they got up to, ask them about their hobbies, talk about what's happening.

Listening is important.

Talk about the weather or did you see that sports game? Just mingle with them,

Compliment them, say "I like your jacket".

If you know they went on a holiday or somewhere, ask them about it etc.

You could also talk about what's relevant.

7) Be passionate about life.

9) Lighten up, have a laugh, laugh easily, be friendly, approachable, interested, relaxed

Reply 11

Anonymous #4

Original post by Anonymous

Hi all,

I am so fustrated I just dont know what to do.

All my life I guess I have been 'shy' or 'quiet.' From little school to university.

At university I just kept to myself and I did have a few friends but not many. I dont drink or anything but I dont have anything against those that do like to drink. I never once in 3 years went out to a nightclub or anything. Just stayed in and learnt a foreign language and computer programming skills or did my work. I have worked hard all my life. I have never had a social life however. Never really had close friends. Never had a girlfriend, never kissed a girl (I am straight and I do like girls and everything but I'm socially anxious around everyone, I just cant imagine ever going up to a girl and asking one out lol - what to do I have no life?)

I havent had much practice being social at all.

I am basically socially retarded.

This is now a really big problem for me? Up to now I could just hide away but now I have graduated or if I want to do anything in life I am going to have to get over this problem.

In a job interview today, the interviewer basically asked if I had a disability!? Do you know how mortifying this was to me? The ironic thing was I thought I was actually having a decent day - not as bad as usual. I was still stammering and my mind was going blank in the interview but then it got really bad after he said that. All my confidence went away.

I am so socially retarded that people think I am mentally disabled? How upsetting is that!?

The tragic thing is I come across as intelligent on paper but I open my mouth and can come across as a complete thicko. My mind feels numb when socialising. I am starting to wonder if I am thick and retarded?

I actually speak very slowly and sound stupid I guess even in no pressure situations with my friends come to think of it so imagine adding the pressure of being with strangers I must sound mental.

I am getting job interviews but crashing completly because of my social anxiety.

I do start to relax around people I know but I am terrified of strangers and people in senior positions like managers of companies or people older than me.

How do I get over this? I live in the middle of nowhere with my parents, civilization is a 1 hour 20 minute bus drive away!!!!!!! I have basically not come out the house for the last 4 months.... I have no friends.. no hobbies... I am under pressure to get a job, my parents have made a mess of there business and losing money fast they need me to support myself, my brother has severe OCD,depression and social anxiety and tragically there doesnt seem much hope for him he is destroying the family with his problems. I feel under so much pressure to succeed but I have my own problems but I cannot be a burden on my family like my brother is it would kill my parents.

Please someone help me. How can I get over social anxiety? How do I stop feeling so dumb and stupid in interviews, how do I stop my mind going blank, how do I stop the stammering? How can I come across as bright and cheery, friendly etc?

Has anyone else got over it?

Thanks for reading this.

A councillor or therapist would help with all of that stress your holding in your head. Talk to your GP, tell them what’s wrong. If your like me, you might have to write it in a list and then hand that to your DR so you don’t downplay it or freak out at the time.
As for coming across cheery, that all comes from within. It seems from what you said that you are at war with yourself, sounds like it’s well over time to start embracing your good traits and speaking positively about yourself.
My other half had terrifying anxiety in his late teens, hypnotism and just chilling out (trying not to over think) have helped him. He’s still quiet but he’s no longer unhappy about it, and people accept it.
As for interviews, once you do a few you realise they generally ask the same questions. Write your answers before hand, carry it in as a cheat sheet and even include some questions to ask them. Practise your interview, dress for the part and pretend you already have the job (in your head).
As for your family, I’m sorry you and your loved ones are in a stressful situation. It sounds like keeping this from your parents is having a negative effect on you too. It would maybe help you to say to them at some point, even if that is mentioned after you have overcome the worst of it.
Good luck, I hope you find a way that works for you!

Reply 12

MidgetFever

21

Hi! I have social anxiety too, infact I have GAD as a whole.

This may be quite a controversial opinion but the only way I 'got over' my social anxiety was to throw myself out of my comfort zone. Practice interviews with friends/family. Just go to interviews anyway, even if you don't think you'll get the job. Practice is the key, the more you do it the more you'll be comfortable with the situation and more prepared than you were the last time, speaking from experience. (I know this is terrifying so don't worry if it doesn't go well all the time)

I'd also tried medication for it, and I can honestly say it didn't work for me at all. Therapy was good to vent, and find the cause, but it didn't actually solve my issue.