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English Narrative Writing (Short Story) Controlled Assessment

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    Hi. I have my GCSE English Narrative Writing controlled assessment coming up next week (probably on Wednesday but I can't be sure). I'm in year 10. Our English teacher asked us to plan our written piece tonight and make a start tomorrow. However, because I was bored, I did the plan on the weekend and I've completed my first draft today. Our school runs the WJEC English course. I'm doing my piece on "The Test". And before anyone points it out, I haven't written about a real test because our teacher said that we can interpret the title in any way we like and as long as it conforms to the traditional meaning of "test" i.e. a struggle of some sort, it's fine with him.

    I would accept any feedback and tips on how to improve. If possible, I would like a mark out of 20 and a letter grade. Also, you may come across "fever/hyperthermia". The slash is there because I couldn't decide which word to use so I'll decide in the final draft. Please read fully the following piece:

    So there it is. If you think I could improve a particular sentence, quote the sentence and then tell me what I could add or remove.
    DO NOT COPY. I own every bit of this work and it would be plagiarism to copy anything from here. (unless you're taking an idea and paraphrasing it). Remember to mark it out of 20 and give me a letter grade please. No rude comments please, though feel free to offer constructive criticism.
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    16-17 out of 20.
    Grade A.
    I don't think you have the natural flair in your writing necessary for an A*, though.

    I strongly recommend that you remove this thread, as I doubt many people will take note of you asking them not to copy. Also, if the exam board tests this piece of work for plagiarism, it will come up on their systems immediately.
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    I agree with mynameisnt on your grade as being an A, although I do think that with a few changes to the story (add a bit more speech or make the last third a bit longer) it could definitely achieve A*
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    I have removed it as suggested by mynameisnt. I had the assessment today. I changed the story quite a bit. I had my teacher look over it and he suggested that I add a few things e.g.- a cyclical ending and more dialogue. I did that (added speech and extended the piece by adding a new ending) and added a few more things. The piece took up six sides of A4-sized lined paper and I'm surprised I finished it in less than an hour because I'm usually a slow person.

    My teacher said it was very good and he couldn't find anything drastically wrong with it. I also got my descriptive writing grade back. I got 19/20, which is an A*. I shall post here when I get my grade and I may even put the up-to-date version of the piece here. I really hope I get an A* because I have made quite a few changes.

    My humblest gratitude to mynameist and goodmorningworld for constructive criticism and encouragement.
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    im doing the same controlled assessment :-) .. haha i realise this is like a year old :L but ... i need help on how to move from an A to an A* aswell
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    (Original post by techno836)
    im doing the same controlled assessment :-) .. haha i realise this is like a year old :L but ... i need help on how to move from an A to an A* aswell
    Sorry about that. I would have helped but I literally haven't logged into TSR since posting the final reply to this thread. It's a bit late now, isn't it? :{ How did you do in your Engilsh GCSE (not sure what year you're in)?

    Regards,

    Hyde
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    (Original post by Hydeman)
    Sorry about that. I would have helped but I literally haven't logged into TSR since posting the final reply to this thread. It's a bit late now, isn't it? :{ How did you do in your Engilsh GCSE (not sure what year you're in)?

    Regards,

    Hyde
    Haha I got an A in language and an A* in literature :-)

    12 now... Not doing English :L
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    (Original post by techno836)
    Haha I got an A in language and an A* in literature :-)

    12 now... Not doing English :L
    Nice one! I had an A* in both with 193/200 UMS in Language and 188/200 UMS in Literature. I didn't take English at AS level either. The exam practice for the GCSE finals really got to me. :/
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    how do u open the controlled assessment
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    (Original post by mba_9)
    how do u open the controlled assessment
    Hey there.

    I think you're meant to go for an opening paragraph that leaves the reader curious about some detail in the plot that is withheld. I remember being given an example piece where the opening paragraph talked about the narrator's newfound hatred for Calcutta and his desire to see a mushroom cloud over it. The idea was that he loved it before and he wants it destroyed now and so the reader would want to read on to find out why he suddenly hates it so much.

    I'm sorry I can't be more help, it's been like 3 years.

    Best of luck!

    Hydeman
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    Hi I'm doing the same control assessment, this is a narrative piece with the following start sentence given:
    Mum/dad shouted up the stairs,come down here now!''
    Do you have any tips on how I could expand from this or what an interesting plot could be.
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    (Original post by Rachel1167)
    Hi I'm doing the same control assessment, this is a narrative piece with the following start sentence given:
    Mum/dad shouted up the stairs,come down here now!''
    Do you have any tips on how I could expand from this or what an interesting plot could be.
    Hey. Nice to see this old thread get some attention!

    With a start like that, you have an almost infinite number of possible plotlines. It could be about anything that might get one into major trouble with a parent: getting caught smoking, lying about something significant, stealing etc. It could even be a situation in which the person being summoned isn't in trouble -- it could just be a general cry for assistance with something, even something menial like housework.

    It's really up to you how you tailor it, really. Normally I say that the opening should draw the reader in but yours does that already so it's up to you to come up with a beginning, a middle and an end. Good luck.
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    How do i get your story?


    (Original post by Hydeman)
    Hi. I have my GCSE English Narrative Writing controlled assessment coming up next week (probably on Wednesday but I can't be sure). I'm in year 10. Our English teacher asked us to plan our written piece tonight and make a start tomorrow. However, because I was bored, I did the plan on the weekend and I've completed my first draft today. Our school runs the WJEC English course. I'm doing my piece on "The Test". And before anyone points it out, I haven't written about a real test because our teacher said that we can interpret the title in any way we like and as long as it conforms to the traditional meaning of "test" i.e. a struggle of some sort, it's fine with him.

    I would accept any feedback and tips on how to improve. If possible, I would like a mark out of 20 and a letter grade. Also, you may come across "fever/hyperthermia". The slash is there because I couldn't decide which word to use so I'll decide in the final draft. Please read fully the following piece:

    So there it is. If you think I could improve a particular sentence, quote the sentence and then tell me what I could add or remove.
    DO NOT COPY. I own every bit of this work and it would be plagiarism to copy anything from here. (unless you're taking an idea and paraphrasing it). Remember to mark it out of 20 and give me a letter grade please. No rude comments please, though feel free to offer constructive criticism.
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    (Original post by vali7654321)
    How do i get your story?
    Hi. This was a while back (October 2011) and I was advised to remove the story to prevent plagiarism, which I did. Unfortunately, I don't have the story anymore. I can offer help and advice if you need it though.
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    Thanks but im just looking for good examples for my controlled assessment
    (Original post by Hydeman)
    Hi. This was a while back (October 2011) and I was advised to remove the story to prevent plagiarism, which I did. Unfortunately, I don't have the story anymore. I can offer help and advice if you need it though.
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    Mum/dad shouted up the stairs,come down here now!''
    hi i have to re-write my narrative story on this topic and last time i got a low grade C and i really wanna get a grade A can someone please help me!! i already wrote like 5 drafts all different story lines for this story but my teacher kept saying that they are bad please someone help
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    (Original post by goku vs naruto)
    Mum/dad shouted up the stairs,come down here now!''
    hi i have to re-write my narrative story on this topic and last time i got a low grade C and i really wanna get a grade A can someone please help me!! i already wrote like 5 drafts all different story lines for this story but my teacher kept saying that they are bad please someone help
    Did your teacher say what specifically was bad about them? You should get some feedback on the one draft you think is best and look to improve that instead of writing multiple drafts with different plotlines.
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    Can any help I need a story for English language plz just need a story
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    (Original post by Sub1)
    Can any help I need a story for English language plz just need a story
    I couldn't give you a story from scratch, but I can give you feedback/advice on a story that you've already written, if you want.

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