Advice for being in a relationship with a commitment phobe?
Any do's and don't and the like please. My boyfriend is a complete and total self-confessed commitment phobe. I don't want to change him of course, I just want our relationship to last.
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Just be concious that you're not pressuring him. Let him have his space and try to just live for the moment, i.e. don't start planning for the future or have serious talks with him about where its going. Encourage him to talk to you so if he feels like its getting scary, let you know as opposed to backing out.
Original post by Boogaloo_Shrimp
Just be concious that you're not pressuring him. Let him have his space and try to just live for the moment, i.e. don't start planning for the future or have serious talks with him about where its going. Encourage him to talk to you so if he feels like its getting scary, let you know as opposed to backing out.
Thanks. I do try to give him A LOT of space, and try to be laid back, but I wish we spent more time together but I worry that he may get sick of me being around (no I'm not being insecure, it's a legit comcern because of his comittment issues).
He hates semi serious, and any other of those kind of talks. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells but he's worth it, I like him far too much.
Original post by Anonymous
Any do's and don't and the like please. My boyfriend is a complete and total self-confessed commitment phobe. I don't want to change him of course, I just want our relationship to last.
Hm. Depends if he is the type that genuinely has a fear of commitment, or if he just uses that as an excuse because he wants the option of shagging as many women as possible before looking for a "keeper". If the latter, and you're not that "keeper" - it's not going to last no matter what you do, sorry.
Genuine commitment phobes aren't always just afraid of relationships, they can be afraid of employment, housing, anything that requires them to make a lasting investment of themselves. If that's the case, he does need to tackle it, as it can lead to really destructive behaviour (walking out on jobs, relationships, being unable to make adult decisions). You don't need to want to change him, but he should want to change himself.. Who honestly wants to live like that..? And why would you want to live with that?
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks. I do try to give him A LOT of space, and try to be laid back, but I wish we spent more time together but I worry that he may get sick of me being around (no I'm not being insecure, it's a legit comcern because of his comittment issues).
He hates semi serious, and any other of those kind of talks. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells but he's worth it, I like him far too much.
He hates semi serious, and any other of those kind of talks. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells but he's worth it, I like him far too much.
:/ sounds quite hard for you. How long have you been seeing him?
Original post by alawhisp
Hm. Depends if he is the type that genuinely has a fear of commitment, or if he just uses that as an excuse because he wants the option of shagging as many women as possible before looking for a "keeper". If the latter, and you're not that "keeper" - it's not going to last no matter what you do, sorry.
Genuine commitment phobes aren't always just afraid of relationships, they can be afraid of employment, housing, anything that requires them to make a lasting investment of themselves. If that's the case, he does need to tackle it, as it can lead to really destructive behaviour (walking out on jobs, relationships, being unable to make adult decisions). You don't need to want to change him, but he should want to change himself.. Who honestly wants to live like that..? And why would you want to live with that?
Genuine commitment phobes aren't always just afraid of relationships, they can be afraid of employment, housing, anything that requires them to make a lasting investment of themselves. If that's the case, he does need to tackle it, as it can lead to really destructive behaviour (walking out on jobs, relationships, being unable to make adult decisions). You don't need to want to change him, but he should want to change himself.. Who honestly wants to live like that..? And why would you want to live with that?
It's a genuine fear he has. He also thinks that you can't promise someone forever because you can't promise how you'll feel in the future about them (he has a point this is true).
He mentioned all his friends relationships and said that they are all 'trapped' in their relationship. He's critical of longterm relationships saying that people lose part of themselves, and some time into the relationship he starts freaking out (the longest relationship he has had is six months).
We are exclusive to one another, he said he absolutely no problem with monogamous relationships.
When I once suggested that he get help for his commitment issues a while ago, he said that it wasn't a problem to him. I never said this part but it may not be a problem to him, but it is to the other person he is in a relationship with. By that I mean I don't text or call him much because I don't want him to feel suffocated or overwhelmed.
He said he doesn't like the whole settling down thing, which is fine I just want us to have fun and spend time together, I just hardly see him...
Original post by Boogaloo_Shrimp
:/ sounds quite hard for you. How long have you been seeing him?
We met in Feburary, started seeing eachother the start of March, became official end of April, broke up at the end of May (I did that, not because of him though, family stuff). And we got back together again at the end of September, I was amazed he still likes me since Feburary, I keep thinking that's a big deal (comming from him).
Original post by Anonymous
When I once suggested that he get help for his commitment issues a while ago, he said that it wasn't a problem to him. I never said this part but it may not be a problem to him, but it is to the other person he is in a relationship with. By that I mean I don't text or call him much because I don't want him to feel suffocated or overwhelmed.
you need to say that to him. just because he has commitment issues, doesn't mean it's all about him and his wants. there's you to consider too.
Original post by Anonymous
It's a genuine fear he has. He also thinks that you can't promise someone forever because you can't promise how you'll feel in the future about them (he has a point this is true).
He mentioned all his friends relationships and said that they are all 'trapped' in their relationship. He's critical of longterm relationships saying that people lose part of themselves, and some time into the relationship he starts freaking out (the longest relationship he has had is six months).
He mentioned all his friends relationships and said that they are all 'trapped' in their relationship. He's critical of longterm relationships saying that people lose part of themselves, and some time into the relationship he starts freaking out (the longest relationship he has had is six months).
No one has to promise forever, it's absolutely unrealistic. However it's not much to expect some commitment, and to criticise relationships he has no way of understanding (as he is not in that relationship).. Not really very fair.
Original post by Anonymous
When I once suggested that he get help for his commitment issues a while ago, he said that it wasn't a problem to him. I never said this part but it may not be a problem to him, but it is to the other person he is in a relationship with. By that I mean I don't text or call him much because I don't want him to feel suffocated or overwhelmed.
He said he doesn't like the whole settling down thing, which is fine I just want us to have fun and spend time together, I just hardly see him...
He said he doesn't like the whole settling down thing, which is fine I just want us to have fun and spend time together, I just hardly see him...
Ahh.. You've posted about this before.. Did you ever get to talk to him about things? You really need to. As said above, and said before, a relationship is about two people. You need to make sure your needs are being fulfilled too. No one needs to talk about settling down, but seeing your boyfriend on the regular is the very least you should expect in a relationship.. You are modifying your behaviour and not for any good reason, and you're not happy about doing it. If you're giving, he has to give something back.. He can't just take all the time.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks. I do try to give him A LOT of space, and try to be laid back, but I wish we spent more time together but I worry that he may get sick of me being around (no I'm not being insecure, it's a legit comcern because of his comittment issues).
He hates semi serious, and any other of those kind of talks. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells but he's worth it, I like him far too much.
He hates semi serious, and any other of those kind of talks. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells but he's worth it, I like him far too much.
Hello,
I too am a commitment phobe (a female version). I get terrified at the prospet of a long term relationship and yet paradixcally, I really want to be in one
I get bored really easily and so when in a relationship, I don't like to spend too much time with the other person as the relationship becomes routine and suffocating. I hate routine.
I'm really not attached to my phone, I often forget where I've placed it so constant texting is impossible for me. I really well and truely value my independance and I need to feel "free" and so when I think of committing to someone 100% for the long haul, I feel panicky
Also, I used to get really annoyed/irritated when my ex used to tell me we will always be together as I believe it is unfair of his present self to make promises for his future self- things change (and evidently, I was right).
Another factor is that I'm afraid to be that vulnerable with someone.
My friends believe until I deal with these commitment issues, I will self sabotage any future relationships.
Reading that, I'm not surprised that I'm 20 and have only ever had one bf. Bless him for trying
Dw though, I'm sure all commitment phobes are commitmentphobic until they meet someone worth sacrificing all their freedom for
My boyfriend had huge commitment fears when we got together. They didn't really surface for the first few months when things started getting more serious, and we actually ended up going on a three month 'break' because of it.
During the break I was basically really patient and understanding (but strict!) with him. We'd pretty much been in love for six years but had only just had the chance to finally be together and his dear of commiting was getting in the way.
So like, I just made him chat about it a lot. What was scary about commitment? Was he ready for commitment but was just scared? I reassured him a lot but then basically kept leaving the choice in his hands, giving him time to think. His fear of commitment was a lot more than just fear of commitment though, it was down to his parents failed relationship, jealousy etc.
Two years on we've been living together for eighteen months, and we're really happy together
that really all is in the past now.
I'd say being with someone with a fear of commitment isn't easy though, like if you want a long-term relationship with them its something that needs discussing and working through if it's a real problem because it doesn't just go away.
During the break I was basically really patient and understanding (but strict!) with him. We'd pretty much been in love for six years but had only just had the chance to finally be together and his dear of commiting was getting in the way.
So like, I just made him chat about it a lot. What was scary about commitment? Was he ready for commitment but was just scared? I reassured him a lot but then basically kept leaving the choice in his hands, giving him time to think. His fear of commitment was a lot more than just fear of commitment though, it was down to his parents failed relationship, jealousy etc.
Two years on we've been living together for eighteen months, and we're really happy together
that really all is in the past now.I'd say being with someone with a fear of commitment isn't easy though, like if you want a long-term relationship with them its something that needs discussing and working through if it's a real problem because it doesn't just go away.
Original post by Anonymous
I too am a commitment phobe (a female version). I get terrified at the prospet of a long term relationship and yet paradixcally, I really want to be in one
I get bored really easily and so when in a relationship, I don't like to spend too much time with the other person as the relationship becomes routine and suffocating. I hate routine.
I'm really not attached to my phone, I often forget where I've placed it so constant texting is impossible for me. I really well and truely value my independance and I need to feel "free" and so when I think of committing to someone 100% for the long haul, I feel panicky
Also, I used to get really annoyed/irritated when my ex used to tell me we will always be together as I believe it is unfair of his present self to make promises for his future self- things change (and evidently, I was right).
Another factor is that I'm afraid to be that vulnerable with someone.
My friends believe until I deal with these commitment issues, I will self sabotage any future relationships.
Reading that, I'm not surprised that I'm 20 and have only ever had one bf. Bless him for trying
Dw though, I'm sure all commitment phobes are commitmentphobic until they meet someone worth sacrificing all their freedom for
[/QUOTE]I want to be that person for him.
Original post by Anonymous
He's critical of longterm relationships saying that people lose part of themselves, and some time into the relationship he starts freaking out (the longest relationship he has had is six months).
We are exclusive to one another, he said he absolutely no problem with monogamous relationships.
We are exclusive to one another, he said he absolutely no problem with monogamous relationships.
Surely a monogomous relationship is longterm.
You need to seriously consider whether this is worth your time. If you want something different to him, then, so be it; you shouldn't be together.
Obviously it's easy for me to say, but if it were me, I wouldn't persue it. He seems confused.
You probably don't want to hear this, but you are completely under the thumb. What kind of a relationship is that if you're constantly pandering towards he wants and feeling like you're pissing him off? Even if you're actually not pissing him off? Is he REALLY that good? You're seeing him through rose-tinted spectacles. You might think that being in a relationship (if you can call it that) is a far better option that breaking up with him, but it sounds to me like it'll be far better for you in the long run to have some self-respect and get out now.
Original post by Anonymous
Any do's and don't and the like please. My boyfriend is a complete and total self-confessed commitment phobe. I don't want to change him of course, I just want our relationship to last.
Advice: Break up.
Commitmentphobes by definition don't have the necessary psychological faculties to maintain a healthy relationship.
[QUOTE="Anonymous;34652868"]
I know you do, and I hope you do as well. However, like many people here have said, you cannot constantly tiptoe around him, worry about everything and put him on some pedestal. You're in the relationship too, what about what you want? What is he doing for you? Or does he see the fact that he is in this relationship with you despite being a commitment phobe enough?
Don't be afraid to be a little selfish and demand some effort on his part too.
Original post by Anonymous
I want to be that person for him.
I want to be that person for him.
I know you do, and I hope you do as well. However, like many people here have said, you cannot constantly tiptoe around him, worry about everything and put him on some pedestal. You're in the relationship too, what about what you want? What is he doing for you? Or does he see the fact that he is in this relationship with you despite being a commitment phobe enough?
Don't be afraid to be a little selfish and demand some effort on his part too.
Original post by Anonymous
It's a genuine fear he has. He also thinks that you can't promise someone forever because you can't promise how you'll feel in the future about them (he has a point this is true).
[...]
We are exclusive to one another, he said he absolutely no problem with monogamous relationships.
[...]
We are exclusive to one another, he said he absolutely no problem with monogamous relationships.
Are you calling him a "commitment phobe" purely because of this first statement you made?
If so, it sounds like he's completely rational and realistic. If not, what is it about him that makes you describe him as a "commitment phobe"?
Original post by Pink Bullets
Are you calling him a "commitment phobe" purely because of this first statement you made?
If so, it sounds like he's completely rational and realistic. If not, what is it about him that makes you describe him as a "commitment phobe"?
If so, it sounds like he's completely rational and realistic. If not, what is it about him that makes you describe him as a "commitment phobe"?
He says he is a commitment phobe, he's said it loads of times. Once he told me that after about five months into a relationship he starts to panic. And from what he's told me about his past relationships with women, I think he likes short term relationships. He's slept with dozens and dozens of women, he refers to his sexual conquests, ONS, ex's many, many times.
It makes me feel uncomfortable. He says he reacts really bad to jealousy and that when his girlfriend starts to get jelous he feels like 'running away'. I'm not jealous about his past, but if I ask him not to mention it I feel like he'l think I'm being jealous.
There's a 7 year age gap between us, I'm only 19. He knows he's my first boyfriend, heck my first for everything.
I haven't even seen him much, but lately he's been acting so moody and when I asked him about it he just said that he hates these kind of talks and that he gets phases of being moody and I have to understand that's who he is. But he's never been like that before.
I asked to make plans and asked if he was free and he just said 'I don't know'. It hurts me he's acting so cold, and that he's been snapping at me.
I do want us to be together, I just don't know how
[QUOTE="Anonymous;34655683"]
I told him before I left his flat last time I saw him that he needs to start thinking about how I feel, and he said 'I know, sorry'. So I hope that's made him think.
That was Friday (the second time I had seen him in three weeks), and I haven't heard from him.
I don't know how to make it better.
Original post by Anonymous
I know you do, and I hope you do as well. However, like many people here have said, you cannot constantly tiptoe around him, worry about everything and put him on some pedestal. You're in the relationship too, what about what you want? What is he doing for you? Or does he see the fact that he is in this relationship with you despite being a commitment phobe enough?
Don't be afraid to be a little selfish and demand some effort on his part too.
I know you do, and I hope you do as well. However, like many people here have said, you cannot constantly tiptoe around him, worry about everything and put him on some pedestal. You're in the relationship too, what about what you want? What is he doing for you? Or does he see the fact that he is in this relationship with you despite being a commitment phobe enough?
Don't be afraid to be a little selfish and demand some effort on his part too.
I told him before I left his flat last time I saw him that he needs to start thinking about how I feel, and he said 'I know, sorry'. So I hope that's made him think.
That was Friday (the second time I had seen him in three weeks), and I haven't heard from him.
I don't know how to make it better.
Original post by Climbontoyourseahorse
You probably don't want to hear this, but you are completely under the thumb. What kind of a relationship is that if you're constantly pandering towards he wants and feeling like you're pissing him off? Even if you're actually not pissing him off? Is he REALLY that good? You're seeing him through rose-tinted spectacles. You might think that being in a relationship (if you can call it that) is a far better option that breaking up with him, but it sounds to me like it'll be far better for you in the long run to have some self-respect and get out now.
What do you suggest I do? Sans breaking up, I don't want to do that.
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