Boyfriend tried to dominate me in bed...

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Your relationship is doomed so you might as well just end it. You two aren't compatible since you're styles of sex are so different. If he isn't dominating you he isn't happy, and if he is you're unhappy. It's just never going to work. This is why you have to dump him.
He sounds like an extreme douche bag anyway.

Reply 21

trinaestella

If your boyfriend is gonna be selfish towards you like that, knowing full well you have been raped then in my opinion he doesn't deserve the title as your "boyfriend" no more.

Reply 22

the cake lady

Whilst, like everyone suggested, breaking up with him seems like the simplest way of dealing with this problem, it's probably not the easiest, OP.

I think part of your problem is that you expect him to hand over control to you. And by asking for it, you are essentially saying that he is still in control. Someone in control automatically assumes that they are and acts accordingly. So if you want to be truly in control and want your needs to be met, take it into your own hands rather than asking him to pass it over to you.

There's things you want to do, just do them. You like being on top, going at your own pace, then hop on and ride away.

If you want to be in control, take control. Don't ask for it.

Now I don't assume that you want to be a total dominatrix, but what it will do is balance it out and I actually think he may enjoy you taking charge.

Without asking. Just do it.

As for communication, talk to him again, keep having talks until it either fixes, or you can't say anymore. If it's the former, hooray. If it's the latter, then dump him.

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 23

mirageous

Original post by littleshambles

Wow, that's like, so relevant.

Actually, I think it is. OP stated how her bf said he's just doing it for himself, and whether serious or not the emotional and physical abuse she's been put through she doesn't need that. She needs someone who at the very least will see them as equals.

Reply 24

lucio123

Original post by littleshambles

the fact is that you have told him what you want and expressly what you don't want, and he not only resents you for that and is trying to sulk a concession out of you, but tried to disregard it and didn't take you seriously despite knowing your history.

i would honestly get out. now.

THIS.

get the HELL out.

why the HELL do women stay in these kinds of relationships? "nice" guys like me will be single forever, whilst people born "goodlooking" out of SHEER DUMB LUCK can just...get girls anyho?

Reply 25

lucio123

Original post by mirageous

wrong.

she needs a guy who will treat her/keep her priority.

In bed, it will be to try and PLEASE HER/communicate and work together.

Seeing her upset should make him upset

Seriously, if you like someone and want to spend your time with them, you would be open and honest and down to earth but do NOTHING to hurt them.

Reply 26

littleshambles

Original post by mirageous

The fact Tootles has had sex is not relevant. Nevermind, you wouldn't get it.

Reply 27

Clumsy_Chemist

You've definately got to say something to him, the way he treats you in bed isn't acceptable if you haven't agreed to it and given your past is disgusting behaviour really. He needs to listen to your or he isn't worth sleeping with.

Reply 28

mirageous

Original post by lucio123

I agree. Which is why I said at least. If you ask me she should chuck this guy and rethink who she sees as boyfriend material before getting another.

Original post by littleshambles

The fact Tootles has had sex is not relevant. Nevermind, you wouldn't get it.

So he made a point, I took something from it, it's relevant??

Mature much.

Reply 29

littleshambles

Original post by mirageous

I agree. Which is why I said at least. If you ask me she should chuck this guy and rethink who she sees as boyfriend material before getting another.

So he made a point, I took something from it, it's relevant??

Mature much.

I'm very mature. I've also already heard way more than I ever wanted to know about Tootles' sex life, so having him quote me and shoehorn some more in was just great. Like I said, you wouldn't get it.

Reply 30

silverbolt

Original post by SugarPuffs

He did because she told him that she was raped and he still continues to act rough/dominant in bed when she doesn't like it.

OP, if he doesn't learn to let you take control sexually, then I'd suggest moving on from him if it's making you unhappy and is making you remember what it was like to be raped.

To be fair at first she went along with it. Just because she was raped does not mean she does not like BDSM (though i will freely admit the chances are very low)

However OP if you dont like it then under no circumstances once you ahve explained to him should he continue. Being a bit hurt is ok and understandable but if you dont like it then it DOESNT happen simple as that.

If he cant get over it and respect your wishes especially in regard to sex then end it.

Reply 31

mirageous

Original post by littleshambles

*shrugs* your problem not mine. You can't stop him posting or quoting, so ignoring him would be the sensible way to go.

Reply 32

Antauri

Just passing by and saw this thread. Thought I'd put in my few cents, as they say.

Rape is when one person wants and pursues a sexual act on, to or inside another person who does not want to participate, and who does not fully and freely consent to take part in that act.

Someone giving consent to sex is someone giving a clear, active and enthusiastic yes, and who is clearly, actively and enthusiastically participating throughout. Partnered sex is about two people equally sharing something sexually, but rape, while it involves and effects both people, is only really about what one person, the rapist, desires and chooses to do to that other person against their will.

Unwanted sexual touch or sexual use of someone through force or coercion is rape. To coerce someone sexually is to get them to engage in a sexual activity they do not want through guilt-trips or nagging, threats, bribes, intimidation or some other kind of emotional pressure or force.

Source

Sex is about trusting your partner completely. Key things during such an intimate time include that trust, communication and respect. If you don't want something, and I can see that you have tried to, you need to make it absolutely clear to your partner.

The fact that he's making you nervous throughout and that you're not fully willing to participate in the actions means that he shouldn't be doing them. What he said; 'I'm doing it for me not you', is completely incorrect and he needs to get his facts straight.

Let me make it clear to you. This is your body, not his. Partnered sex is not about one single person - it's about both, and it's about what you both agree to do, not what he wants.

No excuses. No means no. "Maybe" or "Um, sure..." means you're unsure and he shouldn't go through with it until you feel ready, as goes the other way around. If your partner says no, you shouldn't press or ask why - just accept it and wait until they are ready. The only real answer that you can give if you care for your other is "Okay" and stop. Any other answer or response is generally unacceptable.

If he's not respecting your needs as well as his own then you should say no and walk away.

"He went sulky and quiet on me, and we haven't discussed it since. That was a few weeks ago and it has definitely had a negative effect on our sex life. Even though he hasn't tried it again, I still feel resentful and like he wants to control me in bed, and also like I'm obviously not giving him what he wants and what he got from another woman (and nor am I prepared to). I'm finding it hard to trust him again in bed or feel close to him sexually."

Don't get me wrong and don't get the idea that I'm all experienced, because to be truthful I'm still a virgin. I've never even had a boyfriend, girlfriend or partner. However I suggest you do try and talk to him about it. If he comes out with responses that you don't like, or sound like they're not truthful, tell him.

A relationship is built on trust. Without trust there is no foundation. You obviously feel uncomfortable here and victimised (please, correct me if I'm wrong - I won't be offended) and that's a big no-no in a relationship.

I think, as do others on here, that you should end this relationship now and find someone who will treat you with the proper dignity and respect that you deserve. Going about sulking and ignoring your partner because you aren't getting what you want all of the time is no way for him to act. Nor should you have to put up with it.

But if you're unsure and you still believe that something can come of it, as I said, you need to talk to him.

And for your previous rape, there is no time limit for getting over it. You'll recover in your own time, when you feel you're ready, not before.

TLDR?

This relationship is fubar. He's manipulating you to get what he wants. You don't have to put up with it. If he's not respecting your wishes and stopping when you ask him to, in some ways that constitutes as rape. He's abusing you emotionally and physically. Either talk to him and/or leave. Trust me.

If you need to talk, send me a message. My shoulder is always available.

Reply 33

littleshambles

Original post by mirageous

*shrugs* your problem not mine. You can't stop him posting or quoting, so ignoring him would be the sensible way to go.

I didn't say it was your problem genius, you did when you ****ing replied to my post. Sort your **** out.

Your BF is an idiot.

Just to say that what he's doing would be wrong even if you had no history of sexual or emotional abuse. You said that you're not into being dominated. He should respect that and either stick to things sexually that you both enjoy or say 'I care about you and I respect you but being able to dominate someone is important to me. Unfortunately we can't work together sexually'.