Don't know how I'm supposed to feel.

Background: I met a girl in university, I fell for her, and after a couple of weeks she sort of asked me on a date, but I screwed up and we never actually went out. We ended up as good friends in the end, and still see each other every day. I still have strong feelings for her and I don't know how she feels/felt, but she ended up in a relationship a couple of months ago.

Anyway, I've got a feeling that they've broken up. For a start, she's been really reserved and clearly upset, and things that she's said hint towards it. I also (and I'm ashamed to admit it) caught a glimpse of her text to him, which definitely seemed as though things weren't great. As a friend, I've been doing my best to try and console her and cheer her up. And I'm genuinely concerned for her.

But the other part of me is almost happy, for want of a better word. The more I dwell on that, the more disgusted I am with myself. Realistically I can't see things working between us, even just for the fact that we're good friends. But now that she's possibly single, well, I've obviously renewed hope.

I'm not going to be a **** about this. I'm not going to make a move whilst she's feeling like that. But I sort of want to push things, try flirting more, try and find where I stand with her.

I'm not going to lie, I feel terrible about myself right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to feel. I've liked her for pretty much as long as I've known her, and she might have been interested in me since she met me (although being in a relationship I imagine she probably put those feelings asides).

I've got a few questions. Is it bad that I'm feeling this way? Is it possible that we could ever be together? Assuming we could, how soon is too soon to make a move?

Thanks for any advice, I could really use it right now.

Reply 1

Tall Man Green

You have to be patient and wait until she's over him. Otherwise she might reciprocate but only in a rebound kind of way and then it won't last and you may no longer be friends afterwards...

Play the waiting game.

As **** as that is... :frown:

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Well, the rebound thing is part of the reason I'm so cautious. But how long is too long to wait? I don't know how strongly (if at all) she felt about me before she met this guy, and I don't know how she feels now. What if she's waiting for me to do something now that she's single, and me waiting makes her think that I'm not interested? What if she does want me to make a move eventually but I'm too soon, and I make things weird? What if I wait too long that she ends up in a relationship with somebody else?

Realistically though, given that we're friends, is it possible that it could ever work between us now? :frown:

Reply 3

The_Jammy_Witch

Let me tell you. She KNOWS how you feel about her. Trust me, she knows.

Listen, NEVER be ashamed of what nature has given you. You're not really friends with her. You want her. Your fwendship is based on that and everyone - including her - knows it.

So go ahead and make a move. Don't feel guilty. Just be real. Be honest about how you're feeling and don't apologise for it.

Of course, you've probably been friendzoned. But it's worth a shot ain't it.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

That's the problem though. I know there's a good chance that she's not interested too, and I don't want to risk losing a friend as well as screwing up a chance at a relationship.

I completely understand what you're saying, but would it be any different given that she may have had feelings for me at one point?

Reply 5

HP15

If you offer her a shoulder to cry on, dont expect to sex her up.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

I know...

But she's still a friend. I can't just let her suffer, regardless. What am I supposed to do? Ignore the fact that she's upset just so I can get laid? I'm looking for something serious, not casual sex. Surely if I don't try and make her feel better she'll just think I'm a dick?

Reply 7

Historophilia

Be a friend a yes a shoulder to cry but be very, very careful to avoid anything more sexual or relationship-y at this stage.

My rough rule of thumb (based on observations) is that it's after about 3 months that people are ready to be in serious relationships again after a break-up anything before that ends up being a rebound.

Give it a few months and see how things are then but do not make a move now, if she herself makes a move find a way to fend it off politely without hurting her feelings.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Original post by Historophilia

What defines relationship-y? We've always been pretty close - we text quite frequently (it was often every day until she ended up in a relationship, and even then it was once every couple of days), and the past few weeks we've been a bit flirty. Should I avoid talking to her outside of lectures, or should I just tone it down a bit?

Reply 9

Historophilia

Original post by Anonymous

Well any more physical contact than usual for one thing, so hugs are fine but prolonged cuddling or holding hands not ok.

Just act as you normally do, don't get more touchy-feely than usual but at the same time don't back off or she'll think that you're being cold and don't care about her.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Original post by Historophilia

Should I ask her how she is? She doesn't know (I don't think, at least) that I think I know what's up, so would it be weird for me to keep sending texts asking if she's alright? I do want to make sure she's ok, but I also want to get a definitive answer as to what her situation is at the moment. The last time I texted her to see how she was she didn't reply, although I'm just assuming that she was still upset about it all and didn't want to talk.