My parents have never got in, not in my lifetime anyway. They have argued a lot and my mum has seen obsessed, my dad disinterested but civil whilst she is bitter, in an angry way. I have always been good friends with my dad and stuck up for him when my mum has been a bitch. I was an IVF baby.
However, recently I found out that my dad had a traumatic experience when he was younger, he was raped by a headmaster and it has effected him all his life. Recently he has been writing a lot, all the family was curious as to what he was writing, through a bit of detective work I have found out that he writes erotic gay fiction and describes himself as a gay author. When I asked him if he was gay he said 'for the most part...'
I am not at all against him being gay, but what upsets me is that I was probably the product of a loveless marriage and that it has only been because of me that they have stayed together. I left home last year, and all this is only just coming out. I had many issues throughout adolescence, anorexia, anxiety, shyness, self harming and in general self-destructive behaviour. Could this possibly have been the reason? All these underlying issues at home? I feel so responsible for my parent's unhappiness, even though I know that it is not my fault.
Uff, that must have been such a shock for you.
All I can say is, don't think that because of the problems you had in the past your father was unhappy. He just did what any other father who loves his child would have done: what he thought was better for his kid, even if sometimes they are mistaken. And about him, if he is just 'coming out' now, support him if you think he needs it. Probably this is not easy for him too.
Just because your mother and father don't love each other like a "normal" family (depending on what your definition of normal is), it doesn't mean that they don't love you.
"but what upsets me is that I was probably the product of a loveless marriage and that it has only been because of me that they have stayed together"
This means you're not sure. Nothing is set in stone just yet. Don't make assumptions based on facts that you don't know are true, okay? This is something that you should ask your family about rather than go through yourself. There's nothing at all wrong with your father.
"If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts, but if he will content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties." - Francis Bacon
Talk to your family before you make these choices about yourself. From what you've said here about your father he still needs your support. Any unhappiness they have been through - if at all - is not your fault. The fault belongs with the Headmaster, if that was the primary issue, who did that to him.
Talk to them first before you come to conclusions, alright? And if you need to talk at all, message me.
OP, none of this is your fault at all. Neither is it the fault of either of your parents. Just accept now, hopefully, that it is out in the open, both your parents can find their own way to happiness. I can speak from some experience as my mother came out when I was a young teenager. Feel free to ask any questions!
Gosh, that's got to come as quite a shock. Whatever trouble has been going on between your parents, it's definitely not your fault.
Perhaps talk to your father about it and let him know that you'll support him? Make sure to comfort your mother too if you think that she deserves it. Perhaps your father can eventually find a partner?
Don't blame yourself. Try to support your parents, or at least let them know you're not angry with either of them. Think about the positives in the situation - at least they aren't going to continue an unhappy marriage.
thanks for the responses, I think they are too old for finding a new partner, one in their 60s the other in the 50s. My mum is seeing a counsellor now because she feels **** and unloved, my dad is being obsessed in twitter and his erotic novels. I just feel like they sat and waited for me to grow up, whilst not enjoying love nor sex.