(Original post by PoziHQ)
As a christian, what I'm finding fundamentally difficult is trusting in God. It's so easy to trust in God when everything is going great, and you're doing well, and everything is fine. It's easy to say that you love God when everything feels like its going to plan. But its when things don't feel like they're going to plan. It's when everything feels uncertain.At the moment, I feel like the future is very uncertain, and that I'm going into a territory which I'm not very sure about.
Oh, by the way, hey guys.
This is what I'm experiencing right now. Being a christian is all about abiding in God's love, but its also about being tested. Assuming that I'll never see any of you in real life, and that the intentions of everyone on this page are good, I'm going to explain my life story.
Since I was a child, I've had very low self esteem- possibly, I'm the least confident in my family. Things have changed- and I am very grateful to God for that, because I am much more confident now, however, the one thing that I was least confident about was my intellectualism. Before I read a question, I re read it before I get to the end, because I think that I'll read it incorrectly. I get nervous, because I think that I'll get it wrong. I've been experiencing this all of my life. It's gotten better dramatically...but its still there.
I've been known since I was a child that I was clever, as my mum tells me that when I was younger, and I was on the bus, people would look because I could talk so well. At the moment, I'm attaining an A* in maths and physics, but there was a time where I was so nervous in class...even if we had no exam, my heart would beat so quickly.I don't even struggle in school- I'm actually really clever. I'm gifted and talented for subjects including maths, english, history, and french, and according to my friends , I'm a great debater.
I was put for the intermediate maths challenge (2012). It wasn't difficult in the beginning- it was actually quite easy- but as usual, the thing that let me down was my nerves. Because I was so nervous in the beginning, I couldn't do the easy questions quick enough, so I was't able to finish. I think that I'll get a silver-which is good- but I could have done better. I don't believe in myself enough. And this is not something which I can just turn on or off. This is a psychological habit which I battle with every single day.
I'm doing maths, further maths, physics and economics for A level. I'm good at these subjects, but I really want to get into a good university like Oxford or Cambridge. I will never do my best, if I can't shake this problem.I love God with all of my heart- he knows this- and I'm trying to trust that he'll help me become more confident, because I wont be able to, if I don't ditch this problem. But I'm sure that this is where God wants me to go, because I actually love math, and I'm having to trust God more and more each day.
I started off feeling upset, but now I'm feeling happy. And for sure, you've got to remind yourself of all the things that God has already done for me. I'm in a safe country, I'm not awfully poor, or ill, and I'm not a slave, like many girls of the world today. I've got a lot to be grateful for.
On the note of gratitude, I think I'll draw this story to a close. Sorry that there was so much to read, no animals were harmed in the making of this non visual flashback, and I'm feeling pretty hungry,so I'm going to eat an imaginary piece of bread (it's way too late to be eating carbs).