Irrationally afraid despite loving her

Not a post I'd like to do on New Year's but oh well:

I've been with this girl for a bit now, not very long admittedly. But while I absolutely love her, I just fear the worst for no reason. I keep thinking she's too good for me (when there are maybe a couple of reasons but she doesn't seem affected by them at all) and that I love her more than she loves me. I'm just fearing that she'll leave me at any point even though she's not someone to do that (she's had 1 relationship before which lasted over a year).

So while our relationship hasn't really got very far yet (probably made worse since it's long-distance), I'm in love but just can't help to look at the worse side of things. I'm also a guy so that means that it's also sort of my responsibility to show I love her, rather than the other way around. She's clearly shown signs that she loves me too (organising, we both talk/initiate about as much), but even so... just irrationally I think of the worst.

Any ideas? I guess it's low self-esteem, I have had suicidal thoughts/depression a year and a half ago, but before I met her I was really confident of myself, even more so just after her saying yes. Is this just those sort of feelings coming back as I open up my emotions?

Reply 1

username355614

You like a girl, she likes you. You're together.

Don't read anymore into it, focus on that. Enjoy talking to her, make the most of the little things. Be happy.

I'm sure that's not the best answer I could give but i'm tired.

Reply 2

RainPours

Original post by Anonymous

Sorry to hear that :frown:

Reply 3

RichyFrench

Think that's more common than you might think for guys punching above their average. Love itself isn't completely rational, and so she might love you but have no idea why. Don't worry about things, just enjoy the time together and keep doing what you did to win her in the first place, you'll be fine.

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

its a chance you have to take when you date someone. personally i think LDRs are a load of *******s, adn to be fair, shes more likely to dump you when u eventually live together, rather than when living long distance, because with LD there is excitement and expectation, she only sees what u want her to see..

Reply 5

SugarPuffs

Yes, I'd put it down to your past/current depressive mood and your lack of self-esteem, but it's great how she still reciprocates your feelings even in an LDR relationship.

The harsh truth is that she could very easily cheat on you with a guy living close to her, or with a guy on a night out etc, but think of the positives:

She's with you
She loves you
You both make each other happy

Why ruin a good thing with negative thoughts? :rolleyes:

Just enjoy being with her while it lasts, and don't dwell on the negatives until it has ended.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Original post by Anonymous

I would say that I am very open about my flaws to her, though. I mean yeah she may find out other ones but I'm sure she has her fair share of them too :P (although I haven't found any of hers yet).

In terms of everyone else's, basically saying keep down to earth and appreciate that I've got something good going on. Thanks for the re-assurances. Would you recommend me telling her these thoughts? I think otherwise I may risk my emotions just continuing a little too much.

Reply 7

Anonymous #3

I'm a bit the same (sometimes just the same) except I'm a girl and I've been with my boyfriend for 2-3 years!

I think it's partly a self-esteem thing. Also, a personality type. Some people are just worriers! I've always been a doubtful worrying sort of person.

When you love someone so much and they seem like such a better catch than you are, it's hard (for me at least) not to fret about whether they truly feel the same. Whether they could just leave you at any moment. Because anyone can say the words and act the act.

I guess you just have to be rational and think "well if they didn't like/love me, why would they bother pretending?"

You also have to realise that worrying about it won't achieve anything. Just try to relax, and be normal and happy. Although saying that, I probably am being a hypocrite!

As for telling her, there are a few considerations:

- Her reassurance may make you feel better
- The divulgence of these feelings may bring you closer
- She may find your vulnerability endearing. She may even find it reassuring herself that you're so crazy about her.

HOWEVER

- She may feel worried/inadequate that she's not showing enough affection
- She may (although it sounds harsh!) get a little bored/annoyed if you always go on about your worries
- She might enjoy your company more if you are generally fun and happy (vs sad and worried). Desperation is (supposedly) kinda unattractive.

So I think you need to balance it out. It's okay to be sad and worried some of the time, and to seek reassurance. A relationship can be a great way of helping your confidence, and sharing feelings can build trust and closeness. But perhaps try to accept (rather than resist) her reassurances, and don't go on too much (you may offend or frustrate her). You also want to be able to be fun and confident around her, as when you're in this mode you're probably at your best. Sometimes acting this way, and everything consequently going well can actually make you feel it too. So a balance perhaps? Although those are only my own theories, I can't claim to much experience!

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Thanks very much for the above post, glad to know there are others like me! I don't think it's about being rational though since I do that a lot and it still never affects my emotions. I suppose you're the same :smile:

.

I ended up telling her and she was happy to be open about it and provided re-assurance. I doubt it's ideal from her perspective but on Skype she still seemed happy to see me. I'll definitely try and be happy around her though (tends to be very easy with love!).

But yeah, I suppose there isn't much that can be done after telling her. I do feel a lot better though. And your post is certainly about as re-assuring as a post from someone I don't know can be! Thanks, and remember yourself that I'm like you :biggrin:

Reply 9

Anonymous #3

Original post by Anonymous

But yeah, I suppose there isn't much that can be done after telling her. I do feel a lot better though. And your post is certainly about as re-assuring as a post from someone I don't know can be! Thanks, and remember yourself that I'm like you :biggrin:

Naaw thanks. Honestly, I know it's sad but approval from internet strangers does actually mean something to me and makes me happy! I hope it goes well with you and your gf.

---

Foo I wouldn't necessarily say that. It might be different for the OP but my relationship is LDR, has been for coming up to 3 uni-years (short distance at home) - but I haven't crumbled because of insecurity! I am still insecure, sometimes, but honestly I wouldn't say the LDR affected it at all (ie: just as bad at a short distance than at a long distance). But that's just me.