The Trans*/Non-Cisgender Thread
There's been some talk for a while of making a thread for people who don't identify as the gender they were assigned at birth, and a spate of threads recently about trans issues, so I thought I'd make somewhere for us to go 
Who is this thread for?
Anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at birth. I'll give an explanation and some examples, for those of you who find this new or confusing:
We are all assigned a gender at birth. For most people, this is based on their genitalia; in the majority of cases where a baby is born with non-ambiguous genitalia, the doctor will say 'it's a boy' or 'it's a girl' (or possibly before birth if the parents opt for tests in a country that allows that). In some cases, a baby is born with ambiguous genitalia, or has chromosomes other than XX or XY, so in this case, assigning a gender at birth is more complex. But either way, we're all told 'you're a boy' or 'you're a girl' growing up.
For some people, that's completely inaccurate. There are two main categories of people who this might be accurate for: binary-identified people, and non-binary-identified people.
Binary-identified people: someone who identifies as either male or female, and not both. A self-identified man who was wrongly assigned female at birth is a trans man, and a self-identified woman who was wrongly assigned male at birth is a trans woman.
Non-binary-identified people: someone who doesn't identify just one of 'male' or 'female'. There are many types of non-binary people:
It can be pretty tough to not identify as the gender you were assigned at birth, so I thought it might be nice if we had somewhere to talk to other people who were going through similar
I don't intend this thread as a debate thread about trans issues, and I really don't want any transphobic trolling or comments - it's rather for people who identify as trans or non-binary, and want help and support from other people who feel similar. If you want to be transphobic, do it elsewhere; if you want to ask questions of trans people or want more information, and you're cisgender, then there are plenty of resources out there on the internet for you.
To get us started, I thought I'd have a bit of a questionnaire, although to be honest, it'd be nice just to find like-minded people on here to chat with:
How would you describe your gender and sexual identity?
What are your preferred pronouns?
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
Who is this thread for?
Anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at birth. I'll give an explanation and some examples, for those of you who find this new or confusing:
We are all assigned a gender at birth. For most people, this is based on their genitalia; in the majority of cases where a baby is born with non-ambiguous genitalia, the doctor will say 'it's a boy' or 'it's a girl' (or possibly before birth if the parents opt for tests in a country that allows that). In some cases, a baby is born with ambiguous genitalia, or has chromosomes other than XX or XY, so in this case, assigning a gender at birth is more complex. But either way, we're all told 'you're a boy' or 'you're a girl' growing up.
For some people, that's completely inaccurate. There are two main categories of people who this might be accurate for: binary-identified people, and non-binary-identified people.
Binary-identified people: someone who identifies as either male or female, and not both. A self-identified man who was wrongly assigned female at birth is a trans man, and a self-identified woman who was wrongly assigned male at birth is a trans woman.
Non-binary-identified people: someone who doesn't identify just one of 'male' or 'female'. There are many types of non-binary people:
•
Agender people don't have a gender.
•
'Genderqueer' is often used as a catch-all for all non-binary identifications, as well as a gender in its own right, or as a political statement.
•
Third-gender people identify with a gender that isn't 'male' or 'female'.
•
Genderfluid people move between several different genders. They may also describe themselves as polygender, or as bigender if they move between two genders, trigender if they move between three, etc.
•
Two-spirit people are found in many Native American cultures. I won't pretend to understand the first thing about Native American culture, but if anyone out there does identify this way, you're more than welcome!
•
Androgynous or neutrois people may identify as gender-neutral, or as a combination of male and female.
It can be pretty tough to not identify as the gender you were assigned at birth, so I thought it might be nice if we had somewhere to talk to other people who were going through similar
I don't intend this thread as a debate thread about trans issues, and I really don't want any transphobic trolling or comments - it's rather for people who identify as trans or non-binary, and want help and support from other people who feel similar. If you want to be transphobic, do it elsewhere; if you want to ask questions of trans people or want more information, and you're cisgender, then there are plenty of resources out there on the internet for you.
To get us started, I thought I'd have a bit of a questionnaire, although to be honest, it'd be nice just to find like-minded people on here to chat with:
How would you describe your gender and sexual identity?
What are your preferred pronouns?
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
Scroll to see replies
For me:[
B]How would you describe your gender and sexual identity?
Sexually, I just identify as queer. In terms of gender.. just genderqueer I suppose, both masculine and feminine.
What are your preferred pronouns?
I go by she IRL, but ideally it'd be a mix of both.
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
I've told a very few people IRL, but not many at all.
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
Right now, no. I guess that might change.
B]How would you describe your gender and sexual identity?
Sexually, I just identify as queer. In terms of gender.. just genderqueer I suppose, both masculine and feminine.
What are your preferred pronouns?
I go by she IRL, but ideally it'd be a mix of both.
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
I've told a very few people IRL, but not many at all.
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
Right now, no. I guess that might change.
Original post by Anonymous
For me:[
B]How would you describe your gender and sexual identity?
B]How would you describe your gender and sexual identity?
Sexually, I just identify as queer. In terms of gender.. just genderqueer I suppose, both masculine and feminine.
What are your preferred pronouns?
I go by she IRL, but ideally it'd be a mix of both.
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
I've told a very few people IRL, but not many at all.
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
Right now, no. I guess that might change.
Hello, anon
Ooh, I'll do my own, considering that I haven't yet:How would you describe your gender and sexual identity?
Gender-wise, I was female-assigned at birth but identify as exclusively male. Sexuality-wise, I tend to explain it as 'queer' if I'm trying to be quick or explain to someone who won't understand
I'm broadly asexual (I lack sexual attraction to other people), but panromantic (capable of emotional attraction to all genders).What are your preferred pronouns?
He/him/his. Currently in the process of trying to make everyone I know in real life use them
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
I've come out to pretty much everyone I know; my close family (although not my grandparents, as there's no way in hell they'd understand), my friends in real life, anyone I have on Facebook, and university people/lecturers/tutors. For the most part, it's going abysmally
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
I'm meant to have a referral to a gender clinic coming through in the next few weeks, and the plan is to procure testosterone and then get both top and bottom surgery
I would really like to understand more about trans/cis gender.
So I have some questions, especially to yourself Kerily.
1. How did you or do you know, specifically, that you were wrongly assigned female but you are actually male?
2. Much like the arguments of whether homosexuality is biological, genetic or psychological (or a mixture), where do you think you are on the spectrum? Purely biological? Purely psychological?
3. Do you have any regrets or any doubts about the decisions you have made?
4. Would you describe yourself as masculine or typically male?
5. Do you think your sexuality is directly correspondent to your gender? Do you think that if you had been assigned male at birth that you would still have the same sexuality as you do now?
6. What are your thoughts on the effect of being TG/CG on one's mental health?
I don't mind if these questions are too invasive or if non TG/CG are not welcome here but I'm very curious and need educated about this stuff.
So I have some questions, especially to yourself Kerily.
1. How did you or do you know, specifically, that you were wrongly assigned female but you are actually male?
2. Much like the arguments of whether homosexuality is biological, genetic or psychological (or a mixture), where do you think you are on the spectrum? Purely biological? Purely psychological?
3. Do you have any regrets or any doubts about the decisions you have made?
4. Would you describe yourself as masculine or typically male?
5. Do you think your sexuality is directly correspondent to your gender? Do you think that if you had been assigned male at birth that you would still have the same sexuality as you do now?
6. What are your thoughts on the effect of being TG/CG on one's mental health?
I don't mind if these questions are too invasive or if non TG/CG are not welcome here but I'm very curious and need educated about this stuff.
How would you describe your gender and sexual identity?
Male-ish and straight-ish. I realise that there are actual words for this (pansexual would probably be it), but that's the description I like.
What are your preferred pronouns?
He/his/him etc
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
A couple of people, but that's it.
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
Sometimes yes, definitely, other times I'm not so sure. In an ideal world, I'd start on hormones soon (got an appointment at a gender clinic in a bit over a month ) and also have surgery, but in the real world, I'm not so sure that that will happen 
Male-ish and straight-ish. I realise that there are actual words for this (pansexual would probably be it), but that's the description I like.
What are your preferred pronouns?
He/his/him etc
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
A couple of people, but that's it.
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
Sometimes yes, definitely, other times I'm not so sure. In an ideal world, I'd start on hormones soon (got an appointment at a gender clinic in a bit over a month
) and also have surgery, but in the real world, I'm not so sure that that will happen Original post by ZZ9
How would you describe your gender and sexual identity?
Male-ish and straight-ish. I realise that there are actual words for this (pansexual would probably be it), but that's the description I like.
What are your preferred pronouns?
He/his/him etc
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
A couple of people, but that's it.
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
Sometimes yes, definitely, other times I'm not so sure. In an ideal world, I'd start on hormones soon (got an appointment at a gender clinic in a bit over a month ) and also have surgery, but in the real world, I'm not so sure that that will happen
Male-ish and straight-ish. I realise that there are actual words for this (pansexual would probably be it), but that's the description I like.
What are your preferred pronouns?
He/his/him etc
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
A couple of people, but that's it.
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
Sometimes yes, definitely, other times I'm not so sure. In an ideal world, I'd start on hormones soon (got an appointment at a gender clinic in a bit over a month
) and also have surgery, but in the real world, I'm not so sure that that will happen Hello there
If you don't mind my asking, how come you're having doubts about being able to get access to surgery and hormones? Plenty of people in the UK have managed to surgically transition
Hello!
How would you describe your gender and sexual identity?
Male, asexual & homoromantic
What are your preferred pronouns?
He/him/his
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
Fully out to one and half-out to another.
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
I'd like to transition entirely using the medical route.
How would you describe your gender and sexual identity?
Male, asexual & homoromantic
What are your preferred pronouns?
He/him/his
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
Fully out to one and half-out to another.
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
I'd like to transition entirely using the medical route.
Original post by kerily
Hello there
If you don't mind my asking, how come you're having doubts about being able to get access to surgery and hormones? Plenty of people in the UK have managed to surgically transition
If you don't mind my asking, how come you're having doubts about being able to get access to surgery and hormones? Plenty of people in the UK have managed to surgically transition
Hello
It's not really the being able to access it- I'm sure that they'd let me. It's more that I'm doubting whether it's the right thing to do. The reactions of people I've told have been good, but I've only told people who I actually trust. The rest of the world might not be so good, and.. yeah. But it's not a question of not being able to access a medical transition.
Original post by ZZ9
Hello
It's not really the being able to access it- I'm sure that they'd let me. It's more that I'm doubting whether it's the right thing to do. The reactions of people I've told have been good, but I've only told people who I actually trust. The rest of the world might not be so good, and.. yeah. But it's not a question of not being able to access a medical transition.
It's not really the being able to access it- I'm sure that they'd let me. It's more that I'm doubting whether it's the right thing to do. The reactions of people I've told have been good, but I've only told people who I actually trust. The rest of the world might not be so good, and.. yeah. But it's not a question of not being able to access a medical transition.
Oh right, I got the impression from your post that you wanted to transition fully but felt unable to for some reason.
There are quite a few non-op people - Buck Angel is the most famous one I can think of (he's kept his vagina, due to concerns over how successful the surgery would be, I think). I mean, it depends what you'd want the surgery for; you can pass as male when clothed if you start on testosterone and use a chest binder, and for some people, that's all you want. I guess it depends on whether you'd want the option to go as completely stealth, and whether you feel dysphoria about other areas of your body.
Original post by najinaji
Hello!
How would you describe your gender and sexual identity?
Male, asexual & homoromantic
What are your preferred pronouns?
He/him/his
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
Fully out to one and half-out to another.
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
I'd like to transition entirely using the medical route.
How would you describe your gender and sexual identity?
Male, asexual & homoromantic
What are your preferred pronouns?
He/him/his
Are you out to anyone in real life/offline?
Fully out to one and half-out to another.
Do you have any long-term plans with regards to surgery/hormones/similar?
I'd like to transition entirely using the medical route.
Another asexual
(Asexuality seems more common in transguys than it does in the general population, although that's purely anecdotal ) Purely out of sheer nosiness, so do feel free to disregard this, how can you be half-out to someone?
Original post by kerily
Another asexual (Asexuality seems more common in transguys than it does in the general population, although that's purely anecdotal )
Purely out of sheer nosiness, so do feel free to disregard this, how can you be half-out to someone?
(Asexuality seems more common in transguys than it does in the general population, although that's purely anecdotal ) Purely out of sheer nosiness, so do feel free to disregard this, how can you be half-out to someone?
Also, I basically told my mum that I feel uncomfortable being female, and she got me a binder, but we've not spoken any more about it since that. I'd like to go to see my GP ASAP though so I can start my medical transition, so I'll have to tell her in a bit more detail how I feel.
Original post by najinaji
Haha! We are a rare type indeed... I'd love to see more widespread use of the whole 'black ring' thing. It'd avoid an awful lot of awkward moments...
Also, I basically told my mum that I feel uncomfortable being female, and she got me a binder, but we've not spoken any more about it since that. I'd like to go to see my GP ASAP though so I can start my medical transition, so I'll have to tell her in a bit more detail how I feel.
Also, I basically told my mum that I feel uncomfortable being female, and she got me a binder, but we've not spoken any more about it since that. I'd like to go to see my GP ASAP though so I can start my medical transition, so I'll have to tell her in a bit more detail how I feel.
I don't go with black rings, I just make sure that people know I'm asexual if I'm going to get into a relationship
I'm actually ridiculously closeted about it (went through a long phase of defining my masculinity by my ability to pull women despite my lack of pleasure from doing so, mistake of the century 
) and I get very sick of people presuming that everyone experiences sexual attraction, so there we go.Ah, that makes sense. Your mum sounds AMAZING. I got my binders by befriending an American transguy who posted me his seeing as though he has millions
You may find it hard accessing medical intervention seeing as though you're under 18 (and they tend to expect you to be out/living 'in role' before they'll even talk about hormones, let alone surgery waiting lists) but it's worth a try Original post by kerily
I don't go with black rings, I just make sure that people know I'm asexual if I'm going to get into a relationship I'm actually ridiculously closeted about it (went through a long phase of defining my masculinity by my ability to pull women despite my lack of pleasure from doing so, mistake of the century ) and I get very sick of people presuming that everyone experiences sexual attraction, so there we go.
I'm actually ridiculously closeted about it (went through a long phase of defining my masculinity by my ability to pull women despite my lack of pleasure from doing so, mistake of the century ) and I get very sick of people presuming that everyone experiences sexual attraction, so there we go. Do you find that people are okay with asexuality overall?
Ah, that makes sense. Your mum sounds AMAZING. I got my binders by befriending an American transguy who posted me his seeing as though he has millions You may find it hard accessing medical intervention seeing as though you're under 18 (and they tend to expect you to be out/living 'in role' before they'll even talk about hormones, let alone surgery waiting lists) but it's worth a try
You may find it hard accessing medical intervention seeing as though you're under 18 (and they tend to expect you to be out/living 'in role' before they'll even talk about hormones, let alone surgery waiting lists) but it's worth a try Original post by najinaji
I find it odd how asexuality gets so little recognition in society. For ages, I thought it meant 'not being romantically attracted to people', and when I found out it meant 'no sexual attraction', I was like 'ohhhh, is that what I am?'
Do you find that people are okay with asexuality overall?
Do you find that people are okay with asexuality overall?
I used to think that it sort of meant being a misery who lived in a cave and hated people. This really isn't me at all (I'm quite extroverted!) so it just confused me
And even then, it took me a while to understand that you can be asexual and still have a sex drive, as long as it's not directed at people per se. I mean, not that I have a sex drive (antidepressants 
) but I used to I find that people don't understand it at all. I've had partners take it personally, everyone assumes that it's because I'm autistic or depressed or whatever, and people don't seem to understand that I still want to fall in love and have children and live happily ever after. I just don't feel the need or desire to have sex with people.
(People also don't understand why you'd want bottom surgery if you were asexual, or why you'd bother transitioning/taking care of your appearance/etc too.
)I must admit, I was a little surprised at how okay she was with it all. The Tavistock & Portman clinic accepts under-18s I think, but I'm not sure how they'll do with the hormones and everything. I turn 18 this year anyway, and from what I've heard, hormones take a very long time to get. I think I'm more concerned about hormones because I don't pass at all. It used to upset me, but I kind of brush it off now, because I'm hoping that I won't have to deal with it forever.
I don't pass at all
It's mainly voice that gives me away. I can sort of pass for kind-of androgynous if I try (short hair, binders, masculine dress style) but since I live in London, people just assume I'm a butch lesbian. My voice is hideously high and my mannerisms are quite peculiar (I'm autistic, what do people expect?) and I'm naturally quite fair, so my body hair is fine and light-coloured even though I don't remove it. If someone calls me 'dear' or 'love' or addresses me and a female friend as 'girls' once again, I'm going to implode
I think I might be trans. I feel like a guy, do guy stuff, wear guy clothes, have guy hair, hate the pronoun she but I really don't know. I think even if I'm trans, which I'm pretty sure about, I don't think I'd go down that path. I read this thread and other posts by you guys and I have total admiration that you have the guts to go ahead with it. I really mean that. I'm far too scared to tell anyone how I feel so I'm just going to live this lie I think. I mean atm I get called sir all the time without even trying and it feels good but I've also got a boyfriend who I love and who I know wouldn't be cool with it so I'm stuck in this body and this life forever I think. My parents would hate me, my friends would hate me, everyone would hate me so I'm going to live like this even if it means I'm not completely happy. I think sometimes you have to make sacrifices and for me this is one of them.
I hope you don't mind but I'll probably read and follow the thread anyway because like I said; total respect for you guys.
I hope you don't mind but I'll probably read and follow the thread anyway because like I said; total respect for you guys.
Original post by kerily
I used to think that it sort of meant being a misery who lived in a cave and hated people. This really isn't me at all (I'm quite extroverted!) so it just confused me And even then, it took me a while to understand that you can be asexual and still have a sex drive, as long as it's not directed at people per se. I mean, not that I have a sex drive (antidepressants ) but I used to
I find that people don't understand it at all. I've had partners take it personally, everyone assumes that it's because I'm autistic or depressed or whatever, and people don't seem to understand that I still want to fall in love and have children and live happily ever after. I just don't feel the need or desire to have sex with people.
(People also don't understand why you'd want bottom surgery if you were asexual, or why you'd bother transitioning/taking care of your appearance/etc too.)
And even then, it took me a while to understand that you can be asexual and still have a sex drive, as long as it's not directed at people per se. I mean, not that I have a sex drive (antidepressants ) but I used to I find that people don't understand it at all. I've had partners take it personally, everyone assumes that it's because I'm autistic or depressed or whatever, and people don't seem to understand that I still want to fall in love and have children and live happily ever after. I just don't feel the need or desire to have sex with people.
(People also don't understand why you'd want bottom surgery if you were asexual, or why you'd bother transitioning/taking care of your appearance/etc too.
)Though in my form class the other day, I genuinely heard someone describe gender dysphoria as 'believing that you were born physically the other sex to what you are'.
And the fact that I saw the word 'tranny' used on television by presenters twice! I don't pass at all
It's mainly voice that gives me away. I can sort of pass for kind-of androgynous if I try (short hair, binders, masculine dress style) but since I live in London, people just assume I'm a butch lesbian. My voice is hideously high and my mannerisms are quite peculiar (I'm autistic, what do people expect?) and I'm naturally quite fair, so my body hair is fine and light-coloured even though I don't remove it. If someone calls me 'dear' or 'love' or addresses me and a female friend as 'girls' once again, I'm going to implode
It's mainly voice that gives me away. I can sort of pass for kind-of androgynous if I try (short hair, binders, masculine dress style) but since I live in London, people just assume I'm a butch lesbian. My voice is hideously high and my mannerisms are quite peculiar (I'm autistic, what do people expect?) and I'm naturally quite fair, so my body hair is fine and light-coloured even though I don't remove it. If someone calls me 'dear' or 'love' or addresses me and a female friend as 'girls' once again, I'm going to implode
Though if it makes you feel better, my cis male friend has sideburns, a bit of a beard and a rather deep voice, and he still gets called 'she' because of his long hair.(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I think I might be trans. I feel like a guy, do guy stuff, wear guy clothes, have guy hair, hate the pronoun she but I really don't know. I think even if I'm trans, which I'm pretty sure about, I don't think I'd go down that path. I read this thread and other posts by you guys and I have total admiration that you have the guts to go ahead with it. I really mean that. I'm far too scared to tell anyone how I feel so I'm just going to live this lie I think. I mean atm I get called sir all the time without even trying and it feels good but I've also got a boyfriend who I love and who I know wouldn't be cool with it so I'm stuck in this body and this life forever I think. My parents would hate me, my friends would hate me, everyone would hate me so I'm going to live like this even if it means I'm not completely happy. I think sometimes you have to make sacrifices and for me this is one of them.
I hope you don't mind but I'll probably read and follow the thread anyway because like I said; total respect for you guys.
I hope you don't mind but I'll probably read and follow the thread anyway because like I said; total respect for you guys.
Do have a good think about it, but perhaps you can talk to your GP and get a referral to a gender clinic and really think deeply about whether you'd like to go through with a full social and medical transition or not? You don't have to jump in straight away. Also, not everyone will hate you. For one, there are plenty of trans people out there and there are also plenty of people who're perfectly accepting of trans people. And, let's face it, if your friends, boyfriend and parents can't accept you as you are, are they really worth your time? I know that sounds harsh, but you have to remember that. If they're in any way nice people, they'd accept how you feel.
Original post by najinaji
So we've still got a long way to go... One of the most irritating things I find is when people say this phrase: 'But isn't a relationship without sex just a friendship?'. It's as if some people are incapable of thought.
Oh god, yes.
If you're in love with someone, then that is completely different to just a friendship. (Not that there's anything wrong with friendships - I don't think they're inferior to relationships, just different.) People seem to know precisely nothing about asexuality, and seem to operate on the assumption that it doesn't exist. Even 101 Alternatives To Suicide For Teens, Freaks and Other Outlaws (a really good self-help book I was reading the other day, written by Kate Bornstein who is fabulous) talks about how fabulous sex is and how we want it and how liberating it is to have the sex you've always wanted to have. 
Though in my form class the other day, I genuinely heard someone describe gender dysphoria as 'believing that you were born physically the other sex to what you are'. And the fact that I saw the word 'tranny' used on television by presenters twice!
Ah yes, the downsides of London society... I've heard a few trans men say 'I liked it better when people didn't know we existed'. I can see their point. Though if it makes you feel better, my cis male friend has sideburns, a bit of a beard and a rather deep voice, and he still gets called 'she' because of his long hair.
And the fact that I saw the word 'tranny' used on television by presenters twice! Ah yes, the downsides of London society... I've heard a few trans men say 'I liked it better when people didn't know we existed'. I can see their point.
Though if it makes you feel better, my cis male friend has sideburns, a bit of a beard and a rather deep voice, and he still gets called 'she' because of his long hair.About the t-word: WOULD THEY USE THE N-WORD? Because if not, they should not use the t-word :fuhrer: Do you know what programme and channel it was? I'll make a formal complaint.
I'm similar
Although I do like people at least knowing that transguys exist; the assumption that EVERYONE trans is female gets a trifle galling. Original post by Anonymous
I think I might be trans. I feel like a guy, do guy stuff, wear guy clothes, have guy hair, hate the pronoun she but I really don't know. I think even if I'm trans, which I'm pretty sure about, I don't think I'd go down that path. I read this thread and other posts by you guys and I have total admiration that you have the guts to go ahead with it. I really mean that. I'm far too scared to tell anyone how I feel so I'm just going to live this lie I think. I mean atm I get called sir all the time without even trying and it feels good but I've also got a boyfriend who I love and who I know wouldn't be cool with it so I'm stuck in this body and this life forever I think. My parents would hate me, my friends would hate me, everyone would hate me so I'm going to live like this even if it means I'm not completely happy. I think sometimes you have to make sacrifices and for me this is one of them.
I hope you don't mind but I'll probably read and follow the thread anyway because like I said; total respect for you guys.
I hope you don't mind but I'll probably read and follow the thread anyway because like I said; total respect for you guys.
Hello hello
I'm so horrendously sorry to hear about your experiences
Sadly, society is intolerant, parents are intolerant (mine are horrified and basically pretending I don't exist at the moment), partners can be intolerant, friends can be intolerant, and basically everyone can be a dick.Have you got any options for moving away from home? I couldn't have come out when I lived at home (small town in Yorkshire, I got death threats because people thought I was 'a lesbian', let alone anything more...) but I've since moved to central London for uni and it is FAR better. I'm out at uni and get called by my preferred name and pronouns the majority of the time. If you're pre-uni, I would strongly recommend London or Manchester or somewhere else with a famously good LGBT scene. If you're not, then... I have little advice on that front
But good luck with it, basically. Some people choose to live a closeted life because they know the alternative is too grim, but an awful lot of those people end up incapable of standing it in the end, and come out or transition later in life. I hope that you end up in a place where you could dare mention it to someone
But do feel free to follow the thread; it's exactly to help people in this sort of situation that it's here.Original post by kerily
Hello hello
I'm so horrendously sorry to hear about your experiences Sadly, society is intolerant, parents are intolerant (mine are horrified and basically pretending I don't exist at the moment), partners can be intolerant, friends can be intolerant, and basically everyone can be a dick.
Have you got any options for moving away from home? I couldn't have come out when I lived at home (small town in Yorkshire, I got death threats because people thought I was 'a lesbian', let alone anything more...) but I've since moved to central London for uni and it is FAR better. I'm out at uni and get called by my preferred name and pronouns the majority of the time. If you're pre-uni, I would strongly recommend London or Manchester or somewhere else with a famously good LGBT scene. If you're not, then... I have little advice on that front
But good luck with it, basically. Some people choose to live a closeted life because they know the alternative is too grim, but an awful lot of those people end up incapable of standing it in the end, and come out or transition later in life. I hope that you end up in a place where you could dare mention it to someone But do feel free to follow the thread; it's exactly to help people in this sort of situation that it's here.
I'm so horrendously sorry to hear about your experiences
Sadly, society is intolerant, parents are intolerant (mine are horrified and basically pretending I don't exist at the moment), partners can be intolerant, friends can be intolerant, and basically everyone can be a dick.Have you got any options for moving away from home? I couldn't have come out when I lived at home (small town in Yorkshire, I got death threats because people thought I was 'a lesbian', let alone anything more...) but I've since moved to central London for uni and it is FAR better. I'm out at uni and get called by my preferred name and pronouns the majority of the time. If you're pre-uni, I would strongly recommend London or Manchester or somewhere else with a famously good LGBT scene. If you're not, then... I have little advice on that front
But good luck with it, basically. Some people choose to live a closeted life because they know the alternative is too grim, but an awful lot of those people end up incapable of standing it in the end, and come out or transition later in life. I hope that you end up in a place where you could dare mention it to someone
But do feel free to follow the thread; it's exactly to help people in this sort of situation that it's here.Thanks for the reply.
I've actually finished uni, looking for work right now and living with my mum.
It sucks that your parents are intolerant, I really admire that you're going ahead without their support. But I dunno, I just feel like I need support in this world and my only support systems would be horrified were I to come out as trans (actually I lie, I had a friend ask me before if I was trans, I guess I don't hide it completely
). I've always been alone, no friends at school, no one to talk to, my parents are the only people I've ever had, now I've got a boyfriend I'm terrified of losing him. That's the decision I have, be trans or have him and I'm too weak minded and cowardly to take the former path.Original post by najinaji
You can't sacrifice your own life for the sake of other people. That's entirely unfair on you. After all, you only get to do all of this once.
Do have a good think about it, but perhaps you can talk to your GP and get a referral to a gender clinic and really think deeply about whether you'd like to go through with a full social and medical transition or not? You don't have to jump in straight away. Also, not everyone will hate you. For one, there are plenty of trans people out there and there are also plenty of people who're perfectly accepting of trans people. And, let's face it, if your friends, boyfriend and parents can't accept you as you are, are they really worth your time? I know that sounds harsh, but you have to remember that. If they're in any way nice people, they'd accept how you feel.
Do have a good think about it, but perhaps you can talk to your GP and get a referral to a gender clinic and really think deeply about whether you'd like to go through with a full social and medical transition or not? You don't have to jump in straight away. Also, not everyone will hate you. For one, there are plenty of trans people out there and there are also plenty of people who're perfectly accepting of trans people. And, let's face it, if your friends, boyfriend and parents can't accept you as you are, are they really worth your time? I know that sounds harsh, but you have to remember that. If they're in any way nice people, they'd accept how you feel.
I know it's ridiculous and I shouldn't live for other people, but really I lack balls
Seriously lacking them and I don't think I could live having turned everyone against me. I know I should live for myself it's just so incredibly easier to do things this way even if it means I'm unhappy. I actually have diagnosed depression, and at uni I used to bind and go about as a male, it made me feel so free and happy so I know part of my depression is due to having this female body. Now I'm back with my mum so binding is out of the question and I'm truly miserable again. I heard that they don't let you transition if you have mental health issues so I don't think I'd be able to anyway (It's not just depression).
Original post by Anonymous
I think I might be trans. I feel like a guy, do guy stuff, wear guy clothes, have guy hair, hate the pronoun she but I really don't know. I think even if I'm trans, which I'm pretty sure about, I don't think I'd go down that path. I read this thread and other posts by you guys and I have total admiration that you have the guts to go ahead with it. I really mean that. I'm far too scared to tell anyone how I feel so I'm just going to live this lie I think. I mean atm I get called sir all the time without even trying and it feels good but I've also got a boyfriend who I love and who I know wouldn't be cool with it so I'm stuck in this body and this life forever I think. My parents would hate me, my friends would hate me, everyone would hate me so I'm going to live like this even if it means I'm not completely happy. I think sometimes you have to make sacrifices and for me this is one of them.
I hope you don't mind but I'll probably read and follow the thread anyway because like I said; total respect for you guys.
I hope you don't mind but I'll probably read and follow the thread anyway because like I said; total respect for you guys.
There are disadvantages to coming out and transitioning, but there are also advantages. At least, I'm telling myself this- I'm out to two people in real life and am too scared to tell the rest
Do you know that your friends would definitely hate you? Of the two people I've told, one is also trans so was cool with it, and the other knew nothing at all about trans people. She said that she had no idea at all how I felt, and didn't understand why I would want to transition, but she cares about me and will be there, no matter what I do. I recognise that she's an amazing person and stuff, but hopefully you'll have friends who feel similarly- they know very little about gender, but they like the person that you are.
If you're at uni, there'll be a counselling service. I'm talking to people at mine about gender, and it's not as .. well, 'serious' as going to a gender clinic. I suppose that it's a matter of luck whether you get someone who's informed about gender, but if there's a form you have to fill in, you can write things like "I am transgender" or whatever else, many, many times, and they'll hopefully get the idea
Good luck, no matter what you decide to do
Original post by kerily
Oh right, I got the impression from your post that you wanted to transition fully but felt unable to for some reason.
There are quite a few non-op people - Buck Angel is the most famous one I can think of (he's kept his vagina, due to concerns over how successful the surgery would be, I think). I mean, it depends what you'd want the surgery for; you can pass as male when clothed if you start on testosterone and use a chest binder, and for some people, that's all you want. I guess it depends on whether you'd want the option to go as completely stealth, and whether you feel dysphoria about other areas of your body.
There are quite a few non-op people - Buck Angel is the most famous one I can think of (he's kept his vagina, due to concerns over how successful the surgery would be, I think). I mean, it depends what you'd want the surgery for; you can pass as male when clothed if you start on testosterone and use a chest binder, and for some people, that's all you want. I guess it depends on whether you'd want the option to go as completely stealth, and whether you feel dysphoria about other areas of your body.
Nah, I want to transition fully and in an ideal world, I'd come out tomorrow, begin living 'in role', or whatever they call it, and get hormones and surgery as soon as possible. The thing that I'm doubting is whether I need to or not. I mean, I've lived like this for 18 years, and.. well, I might be able to carry on. I don't know. Realistically, I know that I need to do something, but I'm not sure if I can come out and actually transition
Original post by ZZ9
Nah, I want to transition fully and in an ideal world, I'd come out tomorrow, begin living 'in role', or whatever they call it, and get hormones and surgery as soon as possible. The thing that I'm doubting is whether I need to or not. I mean, I've lived like this for 18 years, and.. well, I might be able to carry on. I don't know. Realistically, I know that I need to do something, but I'm not sure if I can come out and actually transition
I know the feeling. On the one hand, I know that I've felt male since I was 13 (and I only became self-aware when I was 12, so that's not so bad) and I used to be so desperate to have a flat chest that I'd bind it with belts even though it hurt, and it just hurts so much to be perceived as female. On the other hand, I'm conscious that gay women tend to find me attractive, that I have a fully-functioning and fertile female body, that I want children and that transitioning makes this hard, and that I am leaving behind a hell of a lot.
But... I have to. I can't not live my life as male. When I think of myself being perceived as female and aged 40 or something, I just want to fling myself off a cliff out of sheer horror at how god-awful the waste of time would be.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for the reply.
I've actually finished uni, looking for work right now and living with my mum.
It sucks that your parents are intolerant, I really admire that you're going ahead without their support. But I dunno, I just feel like I need support in this world and my only support systems would be horrified were I to come out as trans (actually I lie, I had a friend ask me before if I was trans, I guess I don't hide it completely). I've always been alone, no friends at school, no one to talk to, my parents are the only people I've ever had, now I've got a boyfriend I'm terrified of losing him. That's the decision I have, be trans or have him and I'm too weak minded and cowardly to take the former path.
I've actually finished uni, looking for work right now and living with my mum.
It sucks that your parents are intolerant, I really admire that you're going ahead without their support. But I dunno, I just feel like I need support in this world and my only support systems would be horrified were I to come out as trans (actually I lie, I had a friend ask me before if I was trans, I guess I don't hide it completely
). I've always been alone, no friends at school, no one to talk to, my parents are the only people I've ever had, now I've got a boyfriend I'm terrified of losing him. That's the decision I have, be trans or have him and I'm too weak minded and cowardly to take the former path.Oh ****. So it's not going to be so easy to leave if you ended up needing to.
I don't blame you for feeling that you need support - we all do, and I'm lucky to have support networks other than my parents
Don't feel cowardly because you don't want to lose basically the only people you have in the world. That's a perfectly logical decision
I mean, I'm insanely lucky that my best friend is fine with me being trans (Christ knows what I would have done if she wasn't) and that I'm mentally stable enough, at the moment, that I can live without many other people. If you're not in a similar place, don't feel pressured to come out; it's a very individual decision.Is your boyfriend straight, out of interest? Because if so that'd complicate things even more, although I'm sure you're aware.
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