I need unbiased opinions please!- Help with boyfriend problems.

Sorry... this will be long but I will really appreciate it if you could read it, and give me a honest opinion of the situation.

Ok just a small introduction first. My boyfriend and I have almost been together for a year. We both are at the same Uni, we live together in a student house and other people, and do similar courses. I love him, he has so many great qualities and of course has flaws like we all do.

Now the main problem in our relationship is when he goes home for the holidays and I will explain why:

He is very family orientated (which is fine), but his Dad has these rules which in my opinion are well to be honest- insane:

1) My boyfriend has to have his phone turned off at 9pm everyday. Yes seriously...

2) He does not have internet in his room because his Dad does not allow it. Only a family computer in the living room. He is no allowed to join Facebook, Twitter, Hotmail, Skype, Msn, you name it he won't be able to do it.

3) If he wants to go out, he has to be back by 7pm or they lock him out of the house- unless he requests a special reason why he has he has to be out later. Oh also, he has to get up at 6am everyday.

4) His parents control where he is allowed to travel. They won't let him travel to come see me during the holidays ( I will explain why ).

Oh by the way... he is 20. 20!!

So here comes how this has a massive impact on me. I constantly been telling him never to turn his phone off- incase of emergencies you know? I never turn mine off.
It means during the holidays I never can have a late night call with him. I can't even text him. I can't even skype, or chat on msn with him.
His dad has this rule because he is a light sleeper and goes to be early and gets up early. He even has this rule on weekends when he doesn't work.

I can understand the no calling maybe because he would hear that- but I can't even text him!!!

As for him not allowed to see me- it's not a hate against me its due to my boyfriend being asthmatic and claustrophobic. They don't want him travelling on the underground tube due to the crowds- which I agree with them on because I have seen how he reacts to completely packed places and well yeh ambulances have been involved where he has panic attacks etc

However, to get to mine it doesn't involve taking the underground. You can take the overground and instead of taking the tube its like a ten minute walk to the station he needs. I even told this to his Dad- but he made some stuff up like oh he still not ready for that, you may be used to London Streets he isn't.

My boyfriend came down and saw me in secret in the Summer using the overground and walking and he was fine, no problems at all!

So my main question is should I put up with this?

I love him but in my opinion its asking so much of me.

Am I asking too much to want to be able to call my boyfriend if I was in desperate need? E.g my friend recently died and I couldn't call him at all- or even text, I had to cry by myself. I found at just after 9pm as well, right when he shut off his phone.
I just keep thinking what happens if you know a family member of mine ends up in hospital or something and yet I have no way to reach him? Is that selfish of me to want the opportunity to have him available?

As for his parents not allowing him to travel to London, he did it fine but of course they don't know that.
I told him how I felt, saying he is a grown man and should act like one. That he should stand up for himself. That he knows he is fine, yet is too scared to tell his Dad.

I told him I was ashamed of him, then he started crying and his Dad and his brother started having a go at me- like its all my fault, like I am some horrible girlfriend.

I really don't know what to do. I just want him to stand up for himself!

What do you guys think? What would you do.

The thing is... I don't think this will change. Last Summer i saw him twice over 3 months. It will get to Easter, the same will happen again. The same with Summer unless he does something about it.

Help :frown:

Reply 1

Cal808

Here goes,
I agree with you that his dad is controlling, is this purely because of your bf's asthma, or do you think that his dad could be like this for any other reason? Do you get on with his parents? I also agree that his parents are far too controlling, he is 20 for crying out loud, and they can't stop him from being in crowded places and such when he is at uni. He really needs to talk to his dad about this, his dad might still se him as a child, and so treat him like one.
Not to many answers there, I'm sad to say, more questions than anything else. Good luck!

Reply 2

Creamyoda

Woah, I honestly cant believe there are people out there like that. I think it's up to your boyfriend to tell his parents where to go and you've already said that.

He is 20...

If my parents told me to stop texting people at 9 I'd laugh at them and they'd go away. And if they told me I couldn't see or speak to a girl I like I'd laugh at them again. He is 20, tell him to man up.

Reply 3

gintoki

Wow, never thought I would hear a story like this...

Ok, his dad acts that way. The thing is, his dad must have a very strong reason to act this way since people don't start acting like that out of the blue for no reason. So without a doubt I believe that there must have been through a lot of traumatic situations due to his condition so my advice is, try to hear them out from his dad so you have an idea how bad his condition is. I believe this is the best way for you to understand the dad's point of view (try to know the most you can, the more, the better). Once you do, show him your point of view and try to negotiate something to arrange more flexibility by his part :wink:

I believe when it comes to this, people have to talk to one another, so they can understand each other. Doing things behind their back will only worsen the opinion they have of you so talk to them to have a consensus. That would be maturity you would be showing them :wink:

Another aspect, DO NOT DUMP HIM BECAUSE OF THIS. I can imagine what his reaction would be, blaming his condition for losing you. The amount of stress could even lead him to an asthma attack.

Yeah, it's a highly sensitive case you have in your hands, but keep your head cool no matter how difficult the situation is and remember he won't be at his parents' house forever. If you love him that much, you would just have to wait for this in the worst case scenario, but the sacrifice would be worth it in the long run.

Finally I want to compliment you for fighting for this and to be understanding enough to accept a man like this. Most women would just avoid having a relationship with a man like this and you can give a guy like me hope :redface:

All the best.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Cal808

Yes I do get on with his parents, especially his Mum. His dad says he cares a lot about both of us- yet to me everything he does seems to be like I can hardly talk to his son.

I don't think it's purely because of his asthma- I think it's the fact he has had these rules for so long and has been in control- he doesn't want to relinquish that power he has.

I understand his parents are worried about their children's well being, just like mine are and such, but when you become and adult it's time to say ok you're grown up now, maybe we should start letting you be one and you do it on your own?
Yes my boyfriend has had numerous occasions because of his asthma that has put him in dangerous situations, but over the years these have gotten better and less frequent. The last one 'attack' he had I believe was over 6 months ago, as he has learnt where to avoid and how to control it.

The minute I turned 18, by parents stopped enforcing grounding rules and curfews and all that because I was an adult.

I need unbiased opinions please!- Help with boyfriend problems.

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