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Is it pathetic that I can't get over some bullying that happened over 4 years ago?

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    I'm a female and I'd always been bullied or isolated in one way or another through most of my childhood for all sorts of different things. I've actually gotten over most of the bullying now, but there's a particular type of bullying that happened 4-5 years ago. It was when I was 15/16 years old, a few people were picking on me for being rejected by a guy I liked and saying that it was pathetic of me to try because I was apparently too unattractive to date. They were always saying it behind my back though instead of to my face, but I still heard it and it still hurt. I just didn't understand why they were thinking like that and saying that. Why was it so wrong of me to want a relationship, yet it was perfectly fine for other people? Am I meant to be forever unhappy and alone then? :sad:

    To make things a bit worse, the main ringleader of the bitching was a girl who actually used to be nice to me, but suddenly turned on after this small incident with this guy. And I still really don't even know what I did to her in the first place to make her start this. She herself was dating at the time (had been since early teens) and even claimed to be bisexual, so you'd think she'd be even less likely to be stupidly discriminative like this :rolleyes:. And other people ganged in and joined in the bitching with her, including another particular guy who I (ashamedly) used to fancy in the past (before that time), and it made me realise that he really must have been joking about his flirting with me in the past.

    The cherry on top is now that I'm 20 and left the school nearly 2 years ago and don't see these mean people anymore, but I still think about these things a lot and get very down about it. Especially because I still haven't been in a proper relationship before (even though I've always really wanted to be) and I hardly get chances to date, so it is quite upsetting not being able to prove those bullies wrong. It's like they were right or something, and I really can't stand it :banghead:

    Is it pathetic that I'm not totally over this? Has anyone experienced something similar?
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    Firstly, it's not pathetic to still be affected by something that happened a few years ago.

    You say you were teased for being too unattractive for this guy. That is quite a hurtful thing to tease someone about so I understand how it can hurt someone for a long time afterward. It sounds like it's affected your confidence and made you question your self-worth.

    You also mention the girl who I assume you were friendly with prior to the bullying. Betrayal can stay with a person for a long time so don't worry about it.

    My advice to you would be to work on yourself, try to improve yourself as a person so that you can become more confident and assured in yourself. Don't question if it's pathetic to still be bothered by this bullying, you have feelings, it's normal to still be hurt a long time after having your feelings hurt. Some people can get over things quickly, others can not and are more sensitive.

    You are 20, you are very young and have loads of time for relationships, try to focus on yourself for now. Set a fitness goal, travel, meet new people, try to challenge yourself in as many aspects of your life you can. I think once you see some progression your confidence will improve and this will all be a footnote.
    #2

    When it comes to things like this the best advice is to forgive and forget. I know this may seem hard but it was a while ago and thinking about it will only lower your self esteem.
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    (Original post by Wilfred Little)
    Firstly, it's not pathetic to still be affected by something that happened a few years ago.

    You say you were teased for being too unattractive for this guy. That is quite a hurtful thing to tease someone about so I understand how it can hurt someone for a long time afterward. It sounds like it's affected your confidence and made you question your self-worth.

    You also mention the girl who I assume you were friendly with prior to the bullying. Betrayal can stay with a person for a long time so don't worry about it.

    My advice to you would be to work on yourself, try to improve yourself as a person so that you can become more confident and assured in yourself. Don't question if it's pathetic to still be bothered by this bullying, you have feelings, it's normal to still be hurt a long time after having your feelings hurt. Some people can get over things quickly, others can not and are more sensitive.

    You are 20, you are very young and have loads of time for relationships, try to focus on yourself for now. Set a fitness goal, travel, meet new people, try to challenge yourself in as many aspects of your life you can. I think once you see some progression your confidence will improve and this will all be a footnote.
    I am currently in a process of trying to better myself, but I will continue to take your advice on board. Thanks a lot for taking the time to write your kind reply

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    When it comes to things like this the best advice is to forgive and forget. I know this may seem hard but it was a while ago and thinking about it will only lower your self esteem.
    I know what you mean, but it is a little difficult to fully move on when I'm currently in a situation where I find it very difficult to get a boyfriend and it's upsetting having that echo what those bullies used to say about me all those years ago. I kinda think that if I did get into relationships easily enough then it wouldn't matter as much about that bullying because at least I'd know that what they said definitely didn't ring true in that case. But unfortunately that isn't the case here.
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am currently in a process of trying to better myself, but I will continue to take your advice on board. Thanks a lot for taking the time to write your kind reply



    I know what you mean, but it is a little difficult to fully move on when I'm currently in a situation where I find it very difficult to get a boyfriend and it's upsetting having that echo what those bullies used to say about me all those years ago. I kinda think that if I did get into relationships easily enough then it wouldn't matter as much about that bullying because at least I'd know that what they said definitely didn't ring true in that case. But unfortunately that isn't the case here.
    I also suffered from some self esteem issues but the only way I got over them was to forget about my past experiences as these were holding me back, and whenever I was in the same situation I would remeber what had happend and mess up again.
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    you have to let go of these bad feelings... you are not obliged to carry them around with you for the rest of your life
    you sound like a caring person and much nicer than the retards you describe in your post
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    No, it's not pathetic. I was bullied throughout primary and secondary school, and to this day I refuse to talk to those responsible. Even though they may well have grown up, just seeing their name on friend requests on Facebook makes me cringe- do they not realise how much they put me through? How they made me not want to go to school? *Sigh* But you will get over things in your own time, once you realise that you have the ability to shape your own life for the better. Don't worry, these things take time.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm a female and I'd always been bullied or isolated in one way or another through most of my childhood for all sorts of different things. I've actually gotten over most of the bullying now, but there's a particular type of bullying that happened 4-5 years ago. It was when I was 15/16 years old, a few people were picking on me for being rejected by a guy I liked and saying that it was pathetic of me to try because I was apparently too unattractive to date. They were always saying it behind my back though instead of to my face, but I still heard it and it still hurt. I just didn't understand why they were thinking like that and saying that. Why was it so wrong of me to want a relationship, yet it was perfectly fine for other people? Am I meant to be forever unhappy and alone then? :sad:

    To make things a bit worse, the main ringleader of the bitching was a girl who actually used to be nice to me, but suddenly turned on after this small incident with this guy. And I still really don't even know what I did to her in the first place to make her start this. She herself was dating at the time (had been since early teens) and even claimed to be bisexual, so you'd think she'd be even less likely to be stupidly discriminative like this :rolleyes:. And other people ganged in and joined in the bitching with her, including another particular guy who I (ashamedly) used to fancy in the past (before that time), and it made me realise that he really must have been joking about his flirting with me in the past.

    The cherry on top is now that I'm 20 and left the school nearly 2 years ago and don't see these mean people anymore, but I still think about these things a lot and get very down about it. Especially because I still haven't been in a proper relationship before (even though I've always really wanted to be) and I hardly get chances to date, so it is quite upsetting not being able to prove those bullies wrong. It's like they were right or something, and I really can't stand it :banghead:

    Is it pathetic that I'm not totally over this? Has anyone experienced something similar?
    Bullies are not confident popular people. If they were, they wouldn't feel the need to put others down to make themselves feel better. Bullies are often people unable to face up to their own insecurities. I realise your hurting, but i promise if you let it go now and concentrate on all the positive things in your life, youll look back in a few years time and see those people for exactly what they were.
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    :hugs:

    I know how you feel, as I had suffered from (mild) bullying and teasing from a young age (the thing I used to be teased for has now been fixed).

    Have a look at these people now, have they got kids, are they at uni, good job? I bet their lives aren't that great (hence why they had to take it out on other people)

    Just focus on your life, you don't have to get in a relationship to prove them wrong, but you can in other ways. Hold your head high and get on with your life and plans.

    People who bully usually are pathetic, you are better than them!
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    (Original post by Wilfred Little)
    Firstly, it's not pathetic to still be affected by something that happened a few years ago.

    You say you were teased for being too unattractive for this guy. That is quite a hurtful thing to tease someone about so I understand how it can hurt someone for a long time afterward. It sounds like it's affected your confidence and made you question your self-worth.

    You also mention the girl who I assume you were friendly with prior to the bullying. Betrayal can stay with a person for a long time so don't worry about it.

    My advice to you would be to work on yourself, try to improve yourself as a person so that you can become more confident and assured in yourself. Don't question if it's pathetic to still be bothered by this bullying, you have feelings, it's normal to still be hurt a long time after having your feelings hurt. Some people can get over things quickly, others can not and are more sensitive.

    You are 20, you are very young and have loads of time for relationships, try to focus on yourself for now. Set a fitness goal, travel, meet new people, try to challenge yourself in as many aspects of your life you can. I think once you see some progression your confidence will improve and this will all be a footnote.
    Brilliant advice
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    I still feel the same about my secondary school bullies. I don't think I could look them in the eye - I tried to force my parents to home school me because I was convinced that I was such an unattractive horrible person I would never be able to escape it. The weird thing was that I was bullied for being a fat lesbian and, I quote, a 'frigid whore'. I am a) underweight b)straight, and well, the last one just shows the intelligence of the people I was up against.

    Anyway - the way I got over it to an extent is to just better myself. I am now a lot prettier (I was an ugly duckling and did the whole emo thing) and trust myself a lot more. Try and improve yourself - even if there is nothing wrong with you actually, if you have a skill or something that you'd like to take part in, then do it. You'll feel like you're improving yourself. I really threw myself into drama and performing and it was truly my lifeline during that time and after. Plus I made some amazing friends. Just have something you can be proud of.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thank you all for replying. I'm surprised at the positive ratings, but maybe that just means some of you can relate?

    (Original post by the bear)
    you have to let go of these bad feelings... you are not obliged to carry them around with you for the rest of your life
    you sound like a caring person and much nicer than the retards you describe in your post
    Do I really? Thanks

    (Original post by xoxAngel_Kxox)
    No, it's not pathetic. I was bullied throughout primary and secondary school, and to this day I refuse to talk to those responsible. Even though they may well have grown up, just seeing their name on friend requests on Facebook makes me cringe- do they not realise how much they put me through? How they made me not want to go to school? *Sigh* But you will get over things in your own time, once you realise that you have the ability to shape your own life for the better. Don't worry, these things take time.
    Wow, they actually friend request you on Facebook? Weird. I've seen the names on my bullies show up as friends suggestions on Facebook, but I delete them as I cannot stand to see anything of them anymore.

    Thanks for the reply :hugs:

    (Original post by Summer_Lovin)
    :hugs:

    I know how you feel, as I had suffered from (mild) bullying and teasing from a young age (the thing I used to be teased for has now been fixed).

    Have a look at these people now, have they got kids, are they at uni, good job? I bet their lives aren't that great (hence why they had to take it out on other people)

    Just focus on your life, you don't have to get in a relationship to prove them wrong, but you can in other ways. Hold your head high and get on with your life and plans.

    People who bully usually are pathetic, you are better than them!
    From a little Facebook browsing that I've done before, I've seen that a couple of them are in uni, one is living and working with a boyfriend in Australia and I'm not too sure what the guy I'd mentioned (the one I used to fancy who then picked on me) is doing.

    I'm not in uni at the moment (bad grades due to depression, wrong decisions, lack of passion, etc) so I just work at the moment and pondering about what course I should take next, possibly something distance learning.

    Thanks for your reply :hugs:
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    Would it be worth going to counselling for this, or would it just be a stupid waste of time?
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    Just one more bump to see if anyone answers last my question?
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    If you feel like counselling would help then yeah I would go. I've had counselling before for something different, it didn't really help me as a person but I wouldn't consider it a waste of time as I managed to find out new things which I wouldn't have if I didn't do it.

    Good luck.
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    (Original post by Wilfred Little)
    If you feel like counselling would help then yeah I would go. I've had counselling before for something different, it didn't really help me as a person but I wouldn't consider it a waste of time as I managed to find out new things which I wouldn't have if I didn't do it.

    Good luck.
    OK, thanks. I'm really nervous to make an appointment though as I am really shy and not good at talking to people about these problems of mine
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    It's definitely not pathetic, it sounds like a horrible experience and I'm not surprised it still affects you. Consider giving counselling a go as I think that would help.

    I think the main thing is to try and work on yourself and your feelings towards yourself so your self-esteem is based on what you think of who you are as a person, and so the approval (or lack of) from other people just won't have as big an effect on you.

    And remember that the main girl probably has some serious self-esteem issues herself- anyone really confident and happy with themselves just wouldn't feel the need to behave in that way.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    OK, thanks. I'm really nervous to make an appointment though as I am really shy and not good at talking to people about these problems of mine
    And don't worry, everyone is nervous when they first go- they'll expect you to be at least a bit apprehensive- and they are there to help you talk about your problems, that's their job!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm a female and I'd always been bullied or isolated in one way or another through most of my childhood for all sorts of different things. I've actually gotten over most of the bullying now, but there's a particular type of bullying that happened 4-5 years ago. It was when I was 15/16 years old, a few people were picking on me for being rejected by a guy I liked and saying that it was pathetic of me to try because I was apparently too unattractive to date. They were always saying it behind my back though instead of to my face, but I still heard it and it still hurt. I just didn't understand why they were thinking like that and saying that. Why was it so wrong of me to want a relationship, yet it was perfectly fine for other people? Am I meant to be forever unhappy and alone then? :sad:

    To make things a bit worse, the main ringleader of the bitching was a girl who actually used to be nice to me, but suddenly turned on after this small incident with this guy. And I still really don't even know what I did to her in the first place to make her start this. She herself was dating at the time (had been since early teens) and even claimed to be bisexual, so you'd think she'd be even less likely to be stupidly discriminative like this :rolleyes:. And other people ganged in and joined in the bitching with her, including another particular guy who I (ashamedly) used to fancy in the past (before that time), and it made me realise that he really must have been joking about his flirting with me in the past.

    The cherry on top is now that I'm 20 and left the school nearly 2 years ago and don't see these mean people anymore, but I still think about these things a lot and get very down about it. Especially because I still haven't been in a proper relationship before (even though I've always really wanted to be) and I hardly get chances to date, so it is quite upsetting not being able to prove those bullies wrong. It's like they were right or something, and I really can't stand it :banghead:

    Is it pathetic that I'm not totally over this? Has anyone experienced something similar?
    it isn't pathetic at all.

    bullying and the school environment in general can affect people well into their adult lives and this makes sense because you go to school during your most formative years and as a result, you can end up with your head feeling confused, angry, sad, anxious in later life because of it.

    for what it's worth i left school at 18 to go to uni and from about 19 through to 23 i have had on and off counselling for the past 4 years. this has made a massive difference.

    i think a lot of the difficulty can be in trying to forgive yourself for not standing up for yourself and believing the **** that other people can put in your head at that age. i have always struggled with self esteem and there are grey days where i still get really pissed off about how school played a fairly sizeable part in this.

    so no, you're not pathetic at all in how you feel. i would say that your feelings are a very normal reaction to an unpleasant experience. it can take years to get over a substantial ammount of bullying.

    i strongly recommend some counselliing. i think the best thing you can do is not be mad at yourself for feeling how you are because you're gonna feel what you're gonna feel and then hopefully, counselling will help you to work with that.

    best of luck to you!

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