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Depression Society MKVI

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    (Original post by SeaJay)
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    Respect. It never really made me feel better for long enough, so I don't do it, but I know I wouldn't be able to resist that kind of urge. That's some will power - good on'ya


    Anymore sleep last night?
    I also managed to quit smoking by finishing a pack and never buying anymore. I have strong willpower, that's one thing about me.
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    it is really difficult though, especially when you start hallucinating the cuts you have to make


    Nope, got maybe an hour and that was broken into 10minute chunks. I fall asleep, realize I'm asleep, then wake up with a jerk terrified. Feel absolutely awful.

    (Original post by SeaJay)
    Got some sleep Yay for sleepy pills. Only an hour or two at a time, but all added together makes six hours. Can't keep relying on the pills though

    On another note, it is half 2 and I have done NOTHING today. (apart from eating a bowl of cereal and turning on my laptop) Fail. Need to do some work - gonna get fired otherwise. Can't seem to get myself up before midday despite not sleeping most nights. I feel so strung out at the moment, constantly on edge constantly tired, nothing's real. What I wouldn't do for 8 hours of natural, snuggly, satisfying sleep.

    Can't concentrate on anything. Reading a simple book and my brain is running at a quarter speed. No sense of time anymore, I'll stare into the distance for a couple of minutes, look at the clock and it's 20 minutes later. Once did that for nearly an hour. Isolating myself from my friends. Even though I know I shouldn't, I don't want to bring them down by having to be around me. Why would they want to anyway? I know they're all thinking I'm just **** at life anyway. Always felt on the outside looking in, always felt like the one that's kept around so that others can compare themselves to me and feel better.

    Nothing is fun anymore. Sometimes I make myself go out and try to do things that are 'fun' but end up crying because they are not. Want my appetite back. Kinda 'forgot' to eat for a week or 2. Lost lots of weight and felt worse. Now just reminding myself to eat is a massive chore.

    I feel like someone has given me a stupid pill. Maybe I could concentrate on stuff if it didn't feel like there was someone screaming in my head all the time. If I want to get something done, even something simple, I have to keep talking to myself to remind myself what I'm supposed to be doing. "Get coat, get coat, put on shoes, put on shoes" etc.

    Seeing giant spiders sometimes because I'm so tired. I know they're not really there, but they're still ****ers.

    Just want everything to stop. Want to be normal. Sorry for the long navel gazing post guys. Just needed to get things out. It's getting too crowded in here
    :hugs: I can sympathize with so much of this. Nothing is fun, your brain is mush, constantly on edge, constantly exhausted....I dunno what to suggest though. I wish I did. Having a routine might help, eat at set times then there's no forgetting to eat. You can even set an alarm clock for it.

    Is there a reason you can't sleep?
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    (Original post by SeaJay)
    What's up? :console:

    Edit: Can someone please tell me how to quote lots of people in the same post? (not very good at internets...)
    Click the button to the right of 'Quote'
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    (Original post by SeaJay)
    What's up? :console:

    Edit: Can someone please tell me how to quote lots of people in the same post? (not very good at internets...)
    The button next to the quote button is multi-quote, click it for all the posts you want then click the regular quote button.
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    I'm meant to be phoning a couple of people today but just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I mean ffs it's only like 2 phone calls why am I making such a big deal out of it?
    Met up with a couple of friends who are at uni atm and it was nice seeing them, but on the way home I just wanted to burst into tears. I'm so stupid and useless compared to them. I don't deserve such good friends they're so lovely and even when I accidentally let something slip they didn't push the issue.
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    I wish it was possible to just curl up and die
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    I also managed to quit smoking by finishing a pack and never buying anymore. I have strong willpower, that's one thing about me.
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    it is really difficult though, especially when you start hallucinating the cuts you have to make


    Nope, got maybe an hour and that was broken into 10minute chunks. I fall asleep, realize I'm asleep, then wake up with a jerk terrified. Feel absolutely awful.

    :hugs: I can sympathize with so much of this. Nothing is fun, your brain is mush, constantly on edge, constantly exhausted....I dunno what to suggest though. I wish I did. Having a routine might help, eat at set times then there's no forgetting to eat. You can even set an alarm clock for it.

    Is there a reason you can't sleep?
    Brain won't switch off. It feels like a punishment for being a failure. It also feels like there is someone screaming in my head - not all the time, but it's a bit of a jolt and stops me from sleeping.

    I'm sorry you had another crappy night. Can you tell the voices to bugger off? Like, outloud: "**** off, I'm stronger than you, you will not win because hey - you haven't yet and you've had enough time already":cheeky:

    Gonna get a routine tomorrow, thanks. Will try to get up at a decent time even if I'm tired.

    (Original post by Jackso)
    Click the button to the right of 'Quote'

    Thank you
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks! Good to know I'm not the only one!

    That's great!

    It's not stupid and whiny at all. Those things would be upsetting to anyone, not nice to feel left out, especially when you're feeling down anyway. :hugs:
    Just have to do what you feel up to and not be too hard on yourself. Good luck with the interview tomorrow! I'm sure you could never disappoint your grandad! :hugs:
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    I understand that feeling, I get it too. I think it's all part of it, mind trying to convince you you're fine so you feel even worse. Just have to try not to let it trick you and believe that you have a right to support and the right to feel better.
    Please no ripping out of organs tonight! :eek:

    No problem!

    I'm pretty good at the moment thanks. Had dinner with my friend and she's staying over tonight, she's at a society thing at the moment. Had a good chat and she's putting me in my place, telling me to sort myself out, in a nice way.
    She doesn't know about the depression but I told her the situation with uni work and that I'm lacking energy. Tonight should be fun, then have counselling and meeting with mental health man tomorrow, not sure what will happen, but feeling a bit more positive again, just hope it lasts!
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    Thanks. My organs are intact, just about :mmm:


    Good stuff! Sounds like she's really helping you :jumphug:

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    Today wasn't great really.
    Woke up in a foul mood (although I think it's more hormonal than anything else ) and got really annoyed with my sister for not answering my question about something really minor. I snapped at her and walked to school crying thinking about how much I wanted to hurt myself. Started crying more when I saw somebody wearing tights because my sister wears tights. It was so stupid, I'm sure every girl has worn tights at some point in her life. Spent all of all first lesson trying not to cry and nipped myself a few times. I've started biting my fingers too because I think it looks more like a bad habit than anything else. :rolleyes:
    Came home and began to cry again. Once again my ability to bottle things up amazes me.
    #2

    Has anybody heard from kate_12 recently? She hasn't posed in a while.
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    (Original post by SeaJay)
    Brain won't switch off. It feels like a punishment for being a failure. It also feels like there is someone screaming in my head - not all the time, but it's a bit of a jolt and stops me from sleeping.

    I'm sorry you had another crappy night. Can you tell the voices to bugger off? Like, outloud: "**** off, I'm stronger than you, you will not win because hey - you haven't yet and you've had enough time already":cheeky:

    Gonna get a routine tomorrow, thanks. Will try to get up at a decent time even if I'm tired.
    Hmmm, do you actually hear someone screaming or is it just your thoughts running through really fast and out of control? Are you on any medication? Why do you feel like you're a failure?

    Yeah I've tried telling them, I spend most of the night arguing back with them but it just makes me feel crazy and makes them laugh. At least I'm not lonely. The thing is I'm pretty sure they are going to win because it seems like the only logical conclusion to all of this.
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    (Original post by Nice Marmite)
    Thanks very much for the response. I really needed to compare experiences because I googled some stuff about SH and some of the information was really, really different to my own experience. Can I ask one last question? How do you actually feel when you decide to SH in the evening and while you're doing it? Sorry, I know this is really personal so feel free not to answer. Thank you, hope you're having a good day too
    Like most things to do with people, there is no set right or wrong way to go about things... So if it's not 100% you, it doesn't mean it's not the same thing if that makes sense. People don't absorb textbooks at birth

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    Some people bruise themselves, some drink or smoke to excess, some burn themselves with lighters, some with hair pins heated up, some people cut, some people even consider excessive exercise to be a form of self injury/harm. It's just an act that is deliberately and emotionally motivated to be detrimental to you in the broadest sense of the term.

    Generally, there are two situations in which I self harm - 1) when I'm drunk and there's no-one around to stop me (like last time). This is normally the worst as I don't see how deep I'm going and pulling apart things to get blades out is frantic and often ends up in me cutting my fingers to ribbons as I struggle. Strangely I get upset about the pain from those and not the pain from the actual SH it's generally a very quick exercise, over in about 20 minutes. 2) is when I'm incredibly stressed and can't think of anything else, I'll be very calm, methodical about it, it takes a few hours, I'll contemplate it, maybe think about where to do it, how to do it, sometimes I'll shower and then do, sometimes I'll do it in the shower, sometimes I'll try 'something new'. In this situation it's all about making sure I release the tension I feel as effectively as possible rather than as quickly as possible.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Hmmm, do you actually hear someone screaming or is it just your thoughts running through really fast and out of control? Are you on any medication? Why do you feel like you're a failure?
    No, that's the weird thing. It's definitely in my head and not aural, but that's the only way I can describe it - like a pulse of noise in the middle of my brain that tenses everything up. I'm on fluoxetine - It has definitely helped to level out my mood (well, much of the time).

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    Failure because: I'm 25 and messing up the 1st year of my 1st degree. One that I worked really hard to get on because it is competitive. My whole family went to redbricks (mostly oxbridge) and I am at an ex-poly that they had never heard of before. I have a boyfriend who loves me (despite being weirded out by how I am right now) but I can't see a future with him - I really want to but the fact that I can't makes me feel so guilty. I don't know how to talk to him about this. A friend of mine killed herself and I could have stopped her, I lived round the corner, I should have been there. She was alone.

    There's no major trauma. No child abuse. Just feels like everything I touch turns to ****. I hate that I'm even writing this because it sounds so pathetic


    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Yeah I've tried telling them, I spend most of the night arguing back with them but it just makes me feel crazy and makes them laugh. At least I'm not lonely. The thing is I'm pretty sure they are going to win because it seems like the only logical conclusion to all of this.
    Don't know what to say as I'm not exactly on top form myself, but you've got this far and you've won every single battle yet. The odds are pretty stacked in your favour. You've got a psych appointment coming up? Just make sure you are completely honest with them about what's going on. That's the only way they can properly help you :hugs:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Has anybody heard from kate_12 recently? She hasn't posed in a while.
    Nope :nope: Although, she wasn't as regular/frequent a poster and others on here :nah:

    She was last active 18 hours ago :yy:
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    I actually got some sleep! Fell asleep at noon, just woke up! :woo:
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    (Original post by SeaJay)
    No, that's the weird thing. It's definitely in my head and not aural, but that's the only way I can describe it - like a pulse of noise in the middle of my brain that tenses everything up. I'm on fluoxetine - It has definitely helped to level out my mood (well, much of the time).

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    Failure because: I'm 25 and messing up the 1st year of my 1st degree. One that I worked really hard to get on because it is competitive. My whole family went to redbricks (mostly oxbridge) and I am at an ex-poly that they had never heard of before. I have a boyfriend who loves me (despite being weirded out by how I am right now) but I can't see a future with him - I really want to but the fact that I can't makes me feel so guilty. I don't know how to talk to him about this. A friend of mine killed herself and I could have stopped her, I lived round the corner, I should have been there. She was alone.

    There's no major trauma. No child abuse. Just feels like everything I touch turns to ****. I hate that I'm even writing this because it sounds so pathetic




    Don't know what to say as I'm not exactly on top form myself, but you've got this far and you've won every single battle yet. The odds are pretty stacked in your favour. You've got a psych appointment coming up? Just make sure you are completely honest with them about what's going on. That's the only way they can properly help you :hugs:
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    I completely crapped up the first year of my degree. Hell, I completely crapped up my first degree... It's what you do with the years that COUNT that make a difference. Equally, do not forget why you fought so hard to get on it or that you have a disadvantage to every one else.

    So what if your family have all gone to red bricks and you're at an ex poly? Does it make your degree have less worth? Don't believe the dicks on TSR or anyone who tells you that a 2:1 from a redbrick is better than a first from an ex poly (or similarly, that a 2:1/2:2 from both is not equal because they are) because they're wrong. Plain and simple wrong. Out of all my friends, a few went to Cambridge and got high firsts because they're incredibly good at learning, and a few went to redbricks, and a few went to ex-polys. Out of them all, the one girl who got a 2:2 from the lowest ranked university is doing the best after graduation as she is damn good in the workplace and good at what she does.

    I think you then either have to decide that the relationship isn't going anywhere, and let him go, or that it's down to the mindset you have at the moment and when you get better as you will do, the hope and optimism for your future together will come back :hugs:

    Do not blame yourself. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend but every decision she made was her decision, you do not need to feel guilty. We can all say 'If this had happened...' and 'but if I'd done that...' but they didn't happen and we didn't do that and that will never change. Are you getting counselling? I think that's important because you can't feel guilty forever, and the overall tone of your spoiler is just guilt guilt guilt.

    No child abuse or major traumas here either, we just managed to luck out with dodgy genes and a faulty brain.


    --

    Got myself an appointment with the disability office next Tuesday, going to see what they suggest about my 9ams and my lack of motivation and ability to work. Hopefully they'll have some nice solutions and I can own second year! Got my results for first semester back today and I'm pleasantly surprised - considering what I went through emotionally last semester, skipping classes, staying in Manchester all the time, adjusting to being alone and some other crap that I haven't spoken about on here, I'm really pleased. Also, I got nearly 50% in stats, I failed first year stats and had to resit it so I'm really pleased with that
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    (Original post by kiss_me_now9)
    Like most things to do with people, there is no set right or wrong way to go about things... So if it's not 100% you, it doesn't mean it's not the same thing if that makes sense. People don't absorb textbooks at birth

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Some people bruise themselves, some drink or smoke to excess, some burn themselves with lighters, some with hair pins heated up, some people cut, some people even consider excessive exercise to be a form of self injury/harm. It's just an act that is deliberately and emotionally motivated to be detrimental to you in the broadest sense of the term.

    Generally, there are two situations in which I self harm - 1) when I'm drunk and there's no-one around to stop me (like last time). This is normally the worst as I don't see how deep I'm going and pulling apart things to get blades out is frantic and often ends up in me cutting my fingers to ribbons as I struggle. Strangely I get upset about the pain from those and not the pain from the actual SH it's generally a very quick exercise, over in about 20 minutes. 2) is when I'm incredibly stressed and can't think of anything else, I'll be very calm, methodical about it, it takes a few hours, I'll contemplate it, maybe think about where to do it, how to do it, sometimes I'll shower and then do, sometimes I'll do it in the shower, sometimes I'll try 'something new'. In this situation it's all about making sure I release the tension I feel as effectively as possible rather than as quickly as possible.
    Thanks again for another enlightening post. I do feel somewhat reassured and far less alone now, especially your explanation of the second method of SH. I always imagined that other people were fairly hysterical which is not how I experienced it. Thanks again :ta:
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    (Original post by kiss_me_now9)

    Got myself an appointment with the disability office next Tuesday, going to see what they suggest about my 9ams and my lack of motivation and ability to work. Hopefully they'll have some nice solutions and I can own second year! Got my results for first semester back today and I'm pleasantly surprised - considering what I went through emotionally last semester, skipping classes, staying in Manchester all the time, adjusting to being alone and some other crap that I haven't spoken about on here, I'm really pleased. Also, I got nearly 50% in stats, I failed first year stats and had to resit it so I'm really pleased with that
    Well done with your results, it's always good to know that these things aren't going as badly as you think they are. Good luck with the disability office I'm sure they'll have some good suggestions to help.
    #2

    (Original post by ViceVersa)
    Nope :nope: Although, she wasn't as regular/frequent a poster and others on here :nah:

    She was last active 18 hours ago :yy:
    Ahh, at least she's active
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ahh, at least she's active
    Yep
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    (Original post by rmhumphries)
    Hope you feel ok today :hugs:
    I'm not too bad. No hangover, but I feel completely empty.

    I remembered some things last night that I'd forgotten. Bad stuff.
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    (Original post by kiss_me_now9)
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    I completely crapped up the first year of my degree. Hell, I completely crapped up my first degree... It's what you do with the years that COUNT that make a difference. Equally, do not forget why you fought so hard to get on it or that you have a disadvantage to every one else.

    So what if your family have all gone to red bricks and you're at an ex poly? Does it make your degree have less worth? Don't believe the dicks on TSR or anyone who tells you that a 2:1 from a redbrick is better than a first from an ex poly (or similarly, that a 2:1/2:2 from both is not equal because they are) because they're wrong. Plain and simple wrong. Out of all my friends, a few went to Cambridge and got high firsts because they're incredibly good at learning, and a few went to redbricks, and a few went to ex-polys. Out of them all, the one girl who got a 2:2 from the lowest ranked university is doing the best after graduation as she is damn good in the workplace and good at what she does.

    I think you then either have to decide that the relationship isn't going anywhere, and let him go, or that it's down to the mindset you have at the moment and when you get better as you will do, the hope and optimism for your future together will come back :hugs:

    Do not blame yourself. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend but every decision she made was her decision, you do not need to feel guilty. We can all say 'If this had happened...' and 'but if I'd done that...' but they didn't happen and we didn't do that and that will never change. Are you getting counselling? I think that's important because you can't feel guilty forever, and the overall tone of your spoiler is just guilt guilt guilt.

    No child abuse or major traumas here either, we just managed to luck out with dodgy genes and a faulty brain.


    --

    Got myself an appointment with the disability office next Tuesday, going to see what they suggest about my 9ams and my lack of motivation and ability to work. Hopefully they'll have some nice solutions and I can own second year! Got my results for first semester back today and I'm pleasantly surprised - considering what I went through emotionally last semester, skipping classes, staying in Manchester all the time, adjusting to being alone and some other crap that I haven't spoken about on here, I'm really pleased. Also, I got nearly 50% in stats, I failed first year stats and had to resit it so I'm really pleased with that
    Thank you so much, lovely. Read that through a few times and feel a little calmer. Not sure what I'm going to do about boyfriend situ He's my rock, I do love him, but wonder if this is enough. It's not fair on him, I know. Perhaps it is just down to how I am right now.

    Not getting counselling - I just thought that I wouldn't want to take it away from someone who really needs it. Also, there's a six month waiting list, don't know if there's any point waiting that long. Perhaps I should put my name down anyway - I can always ring up and cancel nearer the time I suppose.

    Glad you've had some good news That's awesome
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    (Original post by SeaJay)
    Thank you so much, lovely. Read that through a few times and feel a little calmer. Not sure what I'm going to do about boyfriend situ He's my rock, I do love him, but wonder if this is enough. It's not fair on him, I know. Perhaps it is just down to how I am right now.

    Not getting counselling - I just thought that I wouldn't want to take it away from someone who really needs it. Also, there's a six month waiting list, don't know if there's any point waiting that long. Perhaps I should put my name down anyway - I can always ring up and cancel nearer the time I suppose.

    Glad you've had some good news That's awesome
    Don't make any decisions when you're not 100%, you'll only regret them.

    I'm fairly certain your university service will not have a 6 month waiting list - mine has a long waiting list but it's closer to a month than 6. Either way, please put your name down for it; why do you not deserve it over someone else? I know it's not a popular opinion but you have to be selfish sometimes and you can't deny yourself a treatment that you need because 'someone else might want it too'. Any good counselling service will prioritize patients based on their evaluations and so you'll get your rightful place in the queue and won't take away from anyone else.
Updated: May 3, 2012
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