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Depression Society MKVI
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Original post by Chrisofsmeg
Afternoon folks,
Just so you know, I am alive. Been very busy under mountains of work. On the bright side, looking like I might get most of next week of to catch up on it. Pretty much snowed in. The buses and trains have been suspended indefinately. Joys.
But yeah, I'm alive, and I'm relatively ok. Not happy - but ok.
Hope that you're all doing well.
Chris
Just so you know, I am alive. Been very busy under mountains of work. On the bright side, looking like I might get most of next week of to catch up on it. Pretty much snowed in. The buses and trains have been suspended indefinately. Joys.
But yeah, I'm alive, and I'm relatively ok. Not happy - but ok.
Hope that you're all doing well.
Chris
Alive and snowed in? Awesome. If you like we could all pretend to be sole survivors in a snowy post-apocalyptic land of dreams and nightmares, forced to get by on our wits and medication alone...
Original post by laut_biru
You're looking remarkably tasty today. Mind if I bite you?
(if not, then tough )Original post by Nut.
Thanks for this, but the trouble is, I've already had extensions.
I've got three 2500 word essays that were due on the 14th Dec. I extended them until the 16th Jan in the hope of doing them over Christmas, did nothing, extended them again until the 22nd Feb, hoping to give myself 5 weeks to do 3 things, then spent the next two weeks wishing I was dead and in hospital, so I'm running out of time again.
I'm supposed to have an essay plan ready to submit on the 7th Feb when I have no idea what it's about and I haven't been to a single lecture or seminar. I've been emailed to tell me I have to do a presentation next week with two people I've never met or heard of (or have any way of contacting) because that's the only slot left available.
I have a presentation for another seminar to do which I haven't been told anything about, plus what Portal describes as "coursework", 2 essays, and a 'short' essay to do for this semesters modules, on top of exams in the summer.
PLUS the admin people in the history department have ****ed up and emailed me twice warning me that they haven't received my essays and that I will be given 0% if I don't hand in an extension request with a good reason, despite the fact that I've visited them in person, emailed them back twice, and submitted two extension requests for each piece WITH the backing of the mental health coordinator up here.
In all honesty, I don't think I'm cut out for a degree.
I'm interested in the subject matter and I can bash out a damn good essay but I can't cope with the workload and the independence on top of everything else.
Thing is, I can't quit, because then I'd have to go back home, and I will 100% do myself in before I do that. I'd bad enough going back in the holidays.
I know I should be taking one essay at a time, and that I only need 40% overall and that I'm capable of doing that with my eyes closed and all my limbs amputated, and that the presentations only count for 5-10% of the overall marks but somehow my brain just won't stay calm and let me reason with myself.
Being an overachiever is all I know. It's all I've ever done. I catch the look of surprise or even glee on the faces of my peers when I tell them I'm at UEA because they think I should have "done better" or they're pleased that they've beaten me, as though I'm some sort of benchmark.
I don't understand what's happened to me. When I was at primary school I still had the same relationship problems with my mum, but I was friends with everyone in my class, I was popular, smart, funny, people would come to me for advice and ask me to join in everything. Then when this ****ing mental illness appeared at 12/13 years old everything turned to ****.
My friends didn't wanted to associate with somebody who would rather sit in silence than make them laugh, or who would think really deeply about stuff when they were laughing about what happened on Big Brother last night or some other crap.
I'd have a new 'best friend' every academic year from year 8 onwards, and we'd be inseparable, tell each other everything, sit together in class, then we'd drift and I'd find a new 'best friend' and never speak to the other friend again. There were never any arguments or fallings out, we'd just drift.
I don't know who I am anymore. When I discuss politics or pretty much anything with other people I just nod and agree with what they're saying. I understand why they think the way that they do, so I don't know how to challenge it. It's like I have opposing opinions on everything inside my head because I'm so scared of offending people and them hating me.
I don't deserve to live, I don't have anything to offer. My brain is telling me that I have no options again and that I should just get it over with even though I'm trying to rationalise with myself. How does everybody else do it? They post all their pictures on facebook and make 'witty' comments that everyone likes and comments on. Where do they find the will to live from, what makes them keep going?
Sorry, this is massively long.
I've got three 2500 word essays that were due on the 14th Dec. I extended them until the 16th Jan in the hope of doing them over Christmas, did nothing, extended them again until the 22nd Feb, hoping to give myself 5 weeks to do 3 things, then spent the next two weeks wishing I was dead and in hospital, so I'm running out of time again.
I'm supposed to have an essay plan ready to submit on the 7th Feb when I have no idea what it's about and I haven't been to a single lecture or seminar. I've been emailed to tell me I have to do a presentation next week with two people I've never met or heard of (or have any way of contacting) because that's the only slot left available.
I have a presentation for another seminar to do which I haven't been told anything about, plus what Portal describes as "coursework", 2 essays, and a 'short' essay to do for this semesters modules, on top of exams in the summer.
PLUS the admin people in the history department have ****ed up and emailed me twice warning me that they haven't received my essays and that I will be given 0% if I don't hand in an extension request with a good reason, despite the fact that I've visited them in person, emailed them back twice, and submitted two extension requests for each piece WITH the backing of the mental health coordinator up here.
In all honesty, I don't think I'm cut out for a degree.
I'm interested in the subject matter and I can bash out a damn good essay but I can't cope with the workload and the independence on top of everything else.
Thing is, I can't quit, because then I'd have to go back home, and I will 100% do myself in before I do that. I'd bad enough going back in the holidays.
I know I should be taking one essay at a time, and that I only need 40% overall and that I'm capable of doing that with my eyes closed and all my limbs amputated, and that the presentations only count for 5-10% of the overall marks but somehow my brain just won't stay calm and let me reason with myself.
Being an overachiever is all I know. It's all I've ever done. I catch the look of surprise or even glee on the faces of my peers when I tell them I'm at UEA because they think I should have "done better" or they're pleased that they've beaten me, as though I'm some sort of benchmark.
I don't understand what's happened to me. When I was at primary school I still had the same relationship problems with my mum, but I was friends with everyone in my class, I was popular, smart, funny, people would come to me for advice and ask me to join in everything. Then when this ****ing mental illness appeared at 12/13 years old everything turned to ****.
My friends didn't wanted to associate with somebody who would rather sit in silence than make them laugh, or who would think really deeply about stuff when they were laughing about what happened on Big Brother last night or some other crap.
I'd have a new 'best friend' every academic year from year 8 onwards, and we'd be inseparable, tell each other everything, sit together in class, then we'd drift and I'd find a new 'best friend' and never speak to the other friend again. There were never any arguments or fallings out, we'd just drift.
I don't know who I am anymore. When I discuss politics or pretty much anything with other people I just nod and agree with what they're saying. I understand why they think the way that they do, so I don't know how to challenge it. It's like I have opposing opinions on everything inside my head because I'm so scared of offending people and them hating me.
Spoiler
I don't deserve to live, I don't have anything to offer. My brain is telling me that I have no options again and that I should just get it over with even though I'm trying to rationalise with myself. How does everybody else do it? They post all their pictures on facebook and make 'witty' comments that everyone likes and comments on. Where do they find the will to live from, what makes them keep going?
Sorry, this is massively long.
Difficult, but not impossible. It strikes me that you might benefit from some one to one help, like if you had someone specifically assigned to you to help organise and motivate you. It's obvious that the work wouldn't be a massive problem for you to do under the right conditions, it's just a matter of helping you get to the point of being able to sit down and actually to it.
If uni can't arrange a person like that for you, would you be able to ask anyone like a friend or coursemate to help you study, in exchange for doing the same for them or buying them a present or something?
I think you're allowing all your separate problems to overwhelm you, whereas if you look at them individually, see which ones are most pressing and decide to deal with the rest later, you'd find things a lot more manageable. For instance, separating out your personal problems and your uni problems - even if they are linked, it's still probably going to be easier to deal with them one at a time. First off, I'd put everything in order of what needs to be done first - like doing whatever the most immediately important uni work is, but also giving yourself time to gather your strength a bit. I also think it's really important for you to talk to your uni again about how you're coping, and make sure you're getting all the help you're entitled to. You might also find that you're able to arrange alternative forms of assessment, like if you really don't feel that you can do those presentations maybe you could do them at a later date in front of just the lecturer, or submit an altogether different form of work.
I know it must seem like you're buried under a whole mountain of problems, but you can do this - it's just a matter of prioritising and getting help where needed. And of making a start somewhere, you'll probably find that once you actually settle down and get on with things (although I know how alluring procrastination is...) you'll manage a lot better than you think.
I've often thought that maybe I wasn't cut out for uni either - I know I'm smart enough, but I just seem to encounter problem after problem. But I've now learnt not beat myself up about it, since that accomplishes nothing, and although I still have plenty of difficulties I think I'm now better able to deal with most of them (deeply indebted to rmhumphries here, who's been a ****ing legend getting me to go into classes and get on with my work
). Just because we're not the perfect students, doesn't mean we can't do well anyway (or at least reach that magical 40% 
).Regarding feeling inferior to other people, I say **** em.
You don't need their approval, or to be like them and live up to their standards. Do what you like, and only value the opinions of those you actually respect. And being normal is way overrated.Original post by Zee Zee
You got stoned on top of a volcano!? Ha that is amazing, I salute you, sir! I hope you get to go back soon... do you want to go back to Chile or explore somewhere else?
Barcelona is a strong possibility, especially since I am also studying beginners Catalan! I need to start organising something to do in Spain after my language assistantship... it world be a start to know what I want to do! I just want to improve my language skills... I was thinking of a language course so I can immerse myself in the language as much as possible but they are expensive
. I just want it to be fun!
Your experience has made me a little more hopeful about the year abroad when coping with depression... I really hope it is an amazing time for me
.
Thank you
.
Barcelona is a strong possibility, especially since I am also studying beginners Catalan! I need to start organising something to do in Spain after my language assistantship... it world be a start to know what I want to do! I just want to improve my language skills... I was thinking of a language course so I can immerse myself in the language as much as possible but they are expensive
. I just want it to be fun! Your experience has made me a little more hopeful about the year abroad when coping with depression... I really hope it is an amazing time for me
.Thank you
.Yep! I won't lie, it was ****ing awesome.
I do want to go back to Chile, but it's going to take a long time for me to save up the air fare. Currently my plan is: finish uni, go work/study in Russia for a year or two (really want to get my Russian up to a more fluent level, and I've found a language school which seems perfect for me, lets you teach English and study Russian 50:50), then somewhere in Europe (most logically Spain, since I speak the language) for another couple of years (again, teaching English), saving up money, until eventually I'll have enough money to get me to South America, where I want to go back to Chile for a while, but also explore other countries (would quite like to see Bolivia, plus at some point make my way up to Mexico). So that's the plan, if only I can ever finish uni. Barcelona's a great place, I'm sure you wouldn't regret going there. Have you checked with your uni about any loans or bursaries you might be entitled to? I can't remember the exact details, but I remember some of my coursemates being reimbursed part of their fees for attending language schools (I think they went to Germany, but the bursary might still apply to the rest of the EU). I went for the language school option (to be honest my Russian really wasn't up to surviving a job at that point
) - the only reason I'd caution against it is that it's quite easy to fall into the bad habit of just associating with your coursemates and speaking to them in English (this can also happen with people working as English assistants just speaking English to their colleagues though). But if you're prepared to put the effort in and really give learning Spanish/Catalan a go, then you should find you improve by miles whether you're working or studying.Last time I heard you could get free Catalan lessons in Barcelona, so that would be worth your looking into.
Glad I've helped a bit, and honestly try not to worry - chances are you'll have a great time.
Original post by kka25
WATCH OUT!!
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Original post by Nut.
Yeah, thanks, that helped a bit.
I've always had some pretty strange thoughts I guess. Wanting to harm/neglect my own child is probably the most disturbing one, but I suppose there have been others. When my mum used to drag me to church, if the sun was coming through one of the windows onto my face I'd think that God was happy with me, or there was a time for a few years when I had to nod at every streetlight we passed in the car. I don't know why. I'm not sure what would have happened if I didn't nod. Sometimes I'd throw in a few extra nods just in case I'd missed any lights when I wasn't concentrating. I used to pull out my hair too... and I'd put every beanie baby that I had (and I had dozens
) in my bed, with them on one side and me on the other, and move them over to the other side one by one, then back again.
I guess reading that back that it sounds a bit like OCD.
When I was 9 I used to refuse to wash my face, and my mum would walk me to school every day telling me off for being lazy and saying that everyone was looking at us (when really they weren't at all, from what I can tell). Maybe that explains some of my social anxiety today.
Sorry, I'm not really sure why I'm regurgitating all my past, it's just brought up a lot of memories and I feel the need to get them out onto a screen before I forget them.
Urgh I feel so rubbish. I'm scared to tell the crisis team because I haven't been discharged from hospital yet and they'll just send me back
Guess I'm having what some people might call an 'existential crisis'.
Yeah, thanks, that helped a bit.I've always had some pretty strange thoughts I guess. Wanting to harm/neglect my own child is probably the most disturbing one, but I suppose there have been others. When my mum used to drag me to church, if the sun was coming through one of the windows onto my face I'd think that God was happy with me, or there was a time for a few years when I had to nod at every streetlight we passed in the car. I don't know why. I'm not sure what would have happened if I didn't nod. Sometimes I'd throw in a few extra nods just in case I'd missed any lights when I wasn't concentrating. I used to pull out my hair too... and I'd put every beanie baby that I had (and I had dozens
) in my bed, with them on one side and me on the other, and move them over to the other side one by one, then back again.I guess reading that back that it sounds a bit like OCD.
When I was 9 I used to refuse to wash my face, and my mum would walk me to school every day telling me off for being lazy and saying that everyone was looking at us (when really they weren't at all, from what I can tell). Maybe that explains some of my social anxiety today.
Sorry, I'm not really sure why I'm regurgitating all my past, it's just brought up a lot of memories and I feel the need to get them out onto a screen before I forget them.
Urgh I feel so rubbish. I'm scared to tell the crisis team because I haven't been discharged from hospital yet and they'll just send me back
Guess I'm having what some people might call an 'existential crisis'.
It's helpful to write stuff down! So it doesn't need to be in your head bugging you anymore - like the penseive from Harry Potter..... (Damn - wish I had one of those)
Yeah - I get a bit OC(D?) when I'm stressed. When I was at school I used to have a tick that went with it - head shakes, nose twitches, noises - The teacher used to pick on me because of it. It does come back now from time to time, but it's limited to my right hand side, (tighter abs on one side than the other - haha!) so fortunately less noticable.
Hope you stop feeling so rubbish soon, can you sleep for a bit?
Original post by Anonymous
You should definitely try, it's a great place.
I was upset this morning, then felt OK but now I'm not sure.
How about you?
I was upset this morning, then felt OK but now I'm not sure.
How about you?
. Not feeling too good myself but I'm carrying on 
.Original post by superwolf
You're looking remarkably tasty today. Mind if I bite you? (if not, then tough )
You're looking remarkably tasty today. Mind if I bite you?
(if not, then tough )Really not sure why you bother asking tbh
Original post by superwolf
Difficult, but not impossible. It strikes me that you might benefit from some one to one help, like if you had someone specifically assigned to you to help organise and motivate you. It's obvious that the work wouldn't be a massive problem for you to do under the right conditions, it's just a matter of helping you get to the point of being able to sit down and actually to it.
Difficult, but not impossible. It strikes me that you might benefit from some one to one help, like if you had someone specifically assigned to you to help organise and motivate you. It's obvious that the work wouldn't be a massive problem for you to do under the right conditions, it's just a matter of helping you get to the point of being able to sit down and actually to it.
You can get the money to get the uni to hire a mentor under DSA.
Original post by laut_biru
Really not sure why you bother asking tbh
I'm polite!
Original post by superwolf
I'm polite!
Evidently.
Fancy doing my impression formation reading for me?
Original post by SciFiBoy
Sorry to hear about your nan! 
Wish I knew why I feel like this all of a sudden
tempted to go home now and just tell friends am unwell, don't really want people I know to see me atm! People in bar giving me curious looks as is!
Wish I knew why I feel like this all of a sudden
tempted to go home now and just tell friends am unwell, don't really want people I know to see me atm! People in bar giving me curious looks as is!I feel like that. I don't know what to say or how to solve it. When I feel like that, I just force myself to get by.
I think the best bet for you, is well go home and spend sometimes by yourself. Then hopefully by tomorrow morning you will feel better.
Original post by Zee Zee. Not feeling too good myself but I'm carrying on .
. Not feeling too good myself but I'm carrying on .Well good for you.
Yeah I guess. Thanks for the replies guys.
I'll be seeing the crisis team tomorrow anyway and I'll talk to them.
I thought switching to the slow release quetiapine was making a difference to my mood, but it doesn't seem to be now.
It was probably more elation of getting out of hospital, then tidying up my room (I have a carload of stuff that was ready to get taken back by my parents today of stuff that I brought with my but haven't used), and I hate having mess and junk in my room.
I hoard stuff for a while then get annoyed at it all and have a big clear out.
My dad's a hoarder as well and he never gets round to doing stuff so I've still got two guitars in my room that he's been promising we'll sell for the last 3 years, plus boxes of old painting and drawing equipment, games, clothes, old toys etc. and I don't know why but it all being there makes me really stressed out.
There is a CD/ DVD rack on the wall next to to the family computer stuffed with old CDs and decade old free software CDs from computer magazines and the like that my dad refuses to get rid of, along with hundreds of VHS's (and we don't even own a video player anymore) likewise.
I think it's partly because I like the idea of just being able to pack up a suitcase and leaving without having anything of importance left behind.
Our attic is full and there is a whole room full of boxes at my nan's house that were put there when the family was intending to move, but my parents just won't get rid of any of it. If any of it was important, it wouldn't be taped in boxes that nobody has looked through for 2 years.
.
Christ, even just having laptop, printer and ethernet cables that are 2 metres too long for my needs is stressing me out because they're 'messy' and piled all on my desk.
Having big self image problems too. I was called pretty so many times when I was in hospital by patients and nurses, and I can see that my face is symmetrical and in some photos I look ok, but I can't get over the self hatred.
If I starve myself for a couple of days I feel a lot better about my appearance, but when I binge, as I have done now for the past 3 days, I just feel awful, but I can't stop the need to eat and stuff my face when I do.
After my dad was arrested I lived on 5 dry crackers and either an apple or a cuppa soup a day for months, and from March to November last year I lost 40lbs through healthy eating and exercise, then the eating got out of control. I started worrying about carbs, and I'd make endless lists and spreadsheets about all the RDAs for all the nutrients humans need and try to make diet plans of 500-1000kcals a day that would satisfy all the needs.
On a restrictive day I'll eat a can of soup for breakfast, a plate of stir fried veggies for lunch and a tin of tuna for dinner (550kcals). If I'm really depressed and don't want to go in the kitchen I'll just eat the tuna and a couple of satsumas in my room.
Why do all the problems have to happen at once. I keep remembering visiting my dad in prison. All the stupid little things like the visitors being given either a letter A, B, or C, and they'd be let in to the main building in groups in alphabetical order, so 'C' people got about 20mins less visiting time.
Or the stupid, childish artwork they put on the walls to make it seem more 'human', when in fact it just makes the place feel colder. Or the little hatch in the corner where you'd get tea and coffee and you can buy the prisoner a bar of chocolate or something that they don't usually get.
Or the way the people with partners would stand up and snog the faces off each other for 5 minutes once visiting times were over, or they'd send their small children off to the play pen in the corner so they could talk about 'dark' and 'serious' matters.
We were allowed to write letters, and I've kept the ones my dad sent. They're all full of useless, stupid things like what was going on in Heroes that week or how Arsenal had played at the weekend.
Everything was so false. I'd never say "why did you do it dad?" or "how are you feeling?", I'd just natter on about meaningless ****.
People keep suggesting that I have counselling and talking therapy, and I've tried it in the past but no matter how many people I tell, the problems never go away. I've completely broken down in front of about a dozen people now and told them everything, and it makes me feel better for a while but then the pressure builds up again.
There are some things that just can't be forgotten, or talked through, or healed. There are things that can temporarily make me forget, but it's always there and it always will be.
FFS I can't even stop posting about it on here. This is the third or 4th essay length post I've made today and there's still more.
I'll be seeing the crisis team tomorrow anyway and I'll talk to them.
I thought switching to the slow release quetiapine was making a difference to my mood, but it doesn't seem to be now.
It was probably more elation of getting out of hospital, then tidying up my room (I have a carload of stuff that was ready to get taken back by my parents today of stuff that I brought with my but haven't used), and I hate having mess and junk in my room.
I hoard stuff for a while then get annoyed at it all and have a big clear out.
My dad's a hoarder as well and he never gets round to doing stuff so I've still got two guitars in my room that he's been promising we'll sell for the last 3 years, plus boxes of old painting and drawing equipment, games, clothes, old toys etc. and I don't know why but it all being there makes me really stressed out.
There is a CD/ DVD rack on the wall next to to the family computer stuffed with old CDs and decade old free software CDs from computer magazines and the like that my dad refuses to get rid of, along with hundreds of VHS's (and we don't even own a video player anymore) likewise.
I think it's partly because I like the idea of just being able to pack up a suitcase and leaving without having anything of importance left behind.
Our attic is full and there is a whole room full of boxes at my nan's house that were put there when the family was intending to move, but my parents just won't get rid of any of it. If any of it was important, it wouldn't be taped in boxes that nobody has looked through for 2 years.
.Christ, even just having laptop, printer and ethernet cables that are 2 metres too long for my needs is stressing me out because they're 'messy' and piled all on my desk.
Having big self image problems too. I was called pretty so many times when I was in hospital by patients and nurses, and I can see that my face is symmetrical and in some photos I look ok, but I can't get over the self hatred.
If I starve myself for a couple of days I feel a lot better about my appearance, but when I binge, as I have done now for the past 3 days, I just feel awful, but I can't stop the need to eat and stuff my face when I do.
After my dad was arrested I lived on 5 dry crackers and either an apple or a cuppa soup a day for months, and from March to November last year I lost 40lbs through healthy eating and exercise, then the eating got out of control. I started worrying about carbs, and I'd make endless lists and spreadsheets about all the RDAs for all the nutrients humans need and try to make diet plans of 500-1000kcals a day that would satisfy all the needs.
On a restrictive day I'll eat a can of soup for breakfast, a plate of stir fried veggies for lunch and a tin of tuna for dinner (550kcals). If I'm really depressed and don't want to go in the kitchen I'll just eat the tuna and a couple of satsumas in my room.
Why do all the problems have to happen at once. I keep remembering visiting my dad in prison. All the stupid little things like the visitors being given either a letter A, B, or C, and they'd be let in to the main building in groups in alphabetical order, so 'C' people got about 20mins less visiting time.
Or the stupid, childish artwork they put on the walls to make it seem more 'human', when in fact it just makes the place feel colder. Or the little hatch in the corner where you'd get tea and coffee and you can buy the prisoner a bar of chocolate or something that they don't usually get.
Or the way the people with partners would stand up and snog the faces off each other for 5 minutes once visiting times were over, or they'd send their small children off to the play pen in the corner so they could talk about 'dark' and 'serious' matters.
We were allowed to write letters, and I've kept the ones my dad sent. They're all full of useless, stupid things like what was going on in Heroes that week or how Arsenal had played at the weekend.
Everything was so false. I'd never say "why did you do it dad?" or "how are you feeling?", I'd just natter on about meaningless ****.
People keep suggesting that I have counselling and talking therapy, and I've tried it in the past but no matter how many people I tell, the problems never go away. I've completely broken down in front of about a dozen people now and told them everything, and it makes me feel better for a while but then the pressure builds up again.
There are some things that just can't be forgotten, or talked through, or healed. There are things that can temporarily make me forget, but it's always there and it always will be.
FFS I can't even stop posting about it on here. This is the third or 4th essay length post I've made today and there's still more.
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by The_Male_Melons
I feel like that. I don't know what to say or how to solve it. When I feel like that, I just force myself to get by.
I think the best bet for you, is well go home and spend sometimes by yourself. Then hopefully by tomorrow morning you will feel better.
I feel like that. I don't know what to say or how to solve it. When I feel like that, I just force myself to get by.
I think the best bet for you, is well go home and spend sometimes by yourself. Then hopefully by tomorrow morning you will feel better.
yeah, gone back to my room for now, is warmer in here which helps but still feel incredibly low, just seems to have come out of nowhere, texted my friends to say cant watch football with them.
hope I feel better tomorrow yeah, got a busy day and hopefully good one.
I need some recipie ideas for 'feel good' food. All I ever seem to eat is pasta.
Ima play football manager for a bit to see if it takes my mind off things, so if I don't reply for a while it isn't because I've done anything stupid.
My Mum just rang. We got all angry with each other. She keeps asking me questions like 'what did you do today?' when I say 'nothing' that isn't a good enough answer. But that is all I've done! I wish she'd just stop asking, what does she want me to say? It makes me feel even worse cause I have to recognise that I never do anything, and she gets angry cause she thinks I don't tell her anything, but I literally have nothing to tell!
Original post by Nut.
Ima play football manager for a bit to see if it takes my mind off things, so if I don't reply for a while it isn't because I've done anything stupid.
Ima play football manager for a bit to see if it takes my mind off things, so if I don't reply for a while it isn't because I've done anything stupid.
sounds like a good plan, might do the same!
Got a splitting headache from all the crying and all I want to do is cry some more. 
Spoiler
4th deadline I've missed (and still yet to even start the work for them) tomorrow. Practice exam on friday for lectures I've yet to read let alone study for and books I've yet to open. I'm beginning to doubt my ability to finish this term with any dignity. Perhaps restarting the term next year as the mental health advisor at uni suggested might not be a bad idea :/
Original post by laut_biru
Evidently.
Fancy doing my impression formation reading for me?
Fancy doing my impression formation reading for me?
The impression that I have formed is that you should do your own damn work.
Original post by Nut.
Yeah I guess. Thanks for the replies guys.
I'll be seeing the crisis team tomorrow anyway and I'll talk to them.
I thought switching to the slow release quetiapine was making a difference to my mood, but it doesn't seem to be now.
It was probably more elation of getting out of hospital, then tidying up my room (I have a carload of stuff that was ready to get taken back by my parents today of stuff that I brought with my but haven't used), and I hate having mess and junk in my room.
I hoard stuff for a while then get annoyed at it all and have a big clear out.
My dad's a hoarder as well and he never gets round to doing stuff so I've still got two guitars in my room that he's been promising we'll sell for the last 3 years, plus boxes of old painting and drawing equipment, games, clothes, old toys etc. and I don't know why but it all being there makes me really stressed out.
There is a CD/ DVD rack on the wall next to to the family computer stuffed with old CDs and decade old free software CDs from computer magazines and the like that my dad refuses to get rid of, along with hundreds of VHS's (and we don't even own a video player anymore) likewise.
I think it's partly because I like the idea of just being able to pack up a suitcase and leaving without having anything of importance left behind.
Our attic is full and there is a whole room full of boxes at my nan's house that were put there when the family was intending to move, but my parents just won't get rid of any of it. If any of it was important, it wouldn't be taped in boxes that nobody has looked through for 2 years..
Christ, even just having laptop, printer and ethernet cables that are 2 metres too long for my needs is stressing me out because they're 'messy' and piled all on my desk.
Having big self image problems too. I was called pretty so many times when I was in hospital by patients and nurses, and I can see that my face is symmetrical and in some photos I look ok, but I can't get over the self hatred.
If I starve myself for a couple of days I feel a lot better about my appearance, but when I binge, as I have done now for the past 3 days, I just feel awful, but I can't stop the need to eat and stuff my face when I do.
After my dad was arrested I lived on 5 dry crackers and either an apple or a cuppa soup a day for months, and from March to November last year I lost 40lbs through healthy eating and exercise, then the eating got out of control. I started worrying about carbs, and I'd make endless lists and spreadsheets about all the RDAs for all the nutrients humans need and try to make diet plans of 500-1000kcals a day that would satisfy all the needs.
On a restrictive day I'll eat a can of soup for breakfast, a plate of stir fried veggies for lunch and a tin of tuna for dinner (550kcals). If I'm really depressed and don't want to go in the kitchen I'll just eat the tuna and a couple of satsumas in my room.
Why do all the problems have to happen at once. I keep remembering visiting my dad in prison. All the stupid little things like the visitors being given either a letter A, B, or C, and they'd be let in to the main building in groups in alphabetical order, so 'C' people got about 20mins less visiting time.
Or the stupid, childish artwork they put on the walls to make it seem more 'human', when in fact it just makes the place feel colder. Or the little hatch in the corner where you'd get tea and coffee and you can buy the prisoner a bar of chocolate or something that they don't usually get.
Or the way the people with partners would stand up and snog the faces off each other for 5 minutes once visiting times were over, or they'd send their small children off to the play pen in the corner so they could talk about 'dark' and 'serious' matters.
We were allowed to write letters, and I've kept the ones my dad sent. They're all full of useless, stupid things like what was going on in Heroes that week or how Arsenal had played at the weekend.
Everything was so false. I'd never say "why did you do it dad?" or "how are you feeling?", I'd just natter on about meaningless ****.
People keep suggesting that I have counselling and talking therapy, and I've tried it in the past but no matter how many people I tell, the problems never go away. I've completely broken down in front of about a dozen people now and told them everything, and it makes me feel better for a while but then the pressure builds up again.
There are some things that just can't be forgotten, or talked through, or healed. There are things that can temporarily make me forget, but it's always there and it always will be.
FFS I can't even stop posting about it on here. This is the third or 4th essay length post I've made today and there's still more.
I'll be seeing the crisis team tomorrow anyway and I'll talk to them.
I thought switching to the slow release quetiapine was making a difference to my mood, but it doesn't seem to be now.
It was probably more elation of getting out of hospital, then tidying up my room (I have a carload of stuff that was ready to get taken back by my parents today of stuff that I brought with my but haven't used), and I hate having mess and junk in my room.
I hoard stuff for a while then get annoyed at it all and have a big clear out.
My dad's a hoarder as well and he never gets round to doing stuff so I've still got two guitars in my room that he's been promising we'll sell for the last 3 years, plus boxes of old painting and drawing equipment, games, clothes, old toys etc. and I don't know why but it all being there makes me really stressed out.
There is a CD/ DVD rack on the wall next to to the family computer stuffed with old CDs and decade old free software CDs from computer magazines and the like that my dad refuses to get rid of, along with hundreds of VHS's (and we don't even own a video player anymore) likewise.
I think it's partly because I like the idea of just being able to pack up a suitcase and leaving without having anything of importance left behind.
Our attic is full and there is a whole room full of boxes at my nan's house that were put there when the family was intending to move, but my parents just won't get rid of any of it. If any of it was important, it wouldn't be taped in boxes that nobody has looked through for 2 years.
.Christ, even just having laptop, printer and ethernet cables that are 2 metres too long for my needs is stressing me out because they're 'messy' and piled all on my desk.
Having big self image problems too. I was called pretty so many times when I was in hospital by patients and nurses, and I can see that my face is symmetrical and in some photos I look ok, but I can't get over the self hatred.
If I starve myself for a couple of days I feel a lot better about my appearance, but when I binge, as I have done now for the past 3 days, I just feel awful, but I can't stop the need to eat and stuff my face when I do.
After my dad was arrested I lived on 5 dry crackers and either an apple or a cuppa soup a day for months, and from March to November last year I lost 40lbs through healthy eating and exercise, then the eating got out of control. I started worrying about carbs, and I'd make endless lists and spreadsheets about all the RDAs for all the nutrients humans need and try to make diet plans of 500-1000kcals a day that would satisfy all the needs.
On a restrictive day I'll eat a can of soup for breakfast, a plate of stir fried veggies for lunch and a tin of tuna for dinner (550kcals). If I'm really depressed and don't want to go in the kitchen I'll just eat the tuna and a couple of satsumas in my room.
Why do all the problems have to happen at once. I keep remembering visiting my dad in prison. All the stupid little things like the visitors being given either a letter A, B, or C, and they'd be let in to the main building in groups in alphabetical order, so 'C' people got about 20mins less visiting time.
Or the stupid, childish artwork they put on the walls to make it seem more 'human', when in fact it just makes the place feel colder. Or the little hatch in the corner where you'd get tea and coffee and you can buy the prisoner a bar of chocolate or something that they don't usually get.
Or the way the people with partners would stand up and snog the faces off each other for 5 minutes once visiting times were over, or they'd send their small children off to the play pen in the corner so they could talk about 'dark' and 'serious' matters.
We were allowed to write letters, and I've kept the ones my dad sent. They're all full of useless, stupid things like what was going on in Heroes that week or how Arsenal had played at the weekend.
Everything was so false. I'd never say "why did you do it dad?" or "how are you feeling?", I'd just natter on about meaningless ****.
People keep suggesting that I have counselling and talking therapy, and I've tried it in the past but no matter how many people I tell, the problems never go away. I've completely broken down in front of about a dozen people now and told them everything, and it makes me feel better for a while but then the pressure builds up again.
There are some things that just can't be forgotten, or talked through, or healed. There are things that can temporarily make me forget, but it's always there and it always will be.
FFS I can't even stop posting about it on here. This is the third or 4th essay length post I've made today and there's still more.
I have no more actual advice at the moment, but I just thought I'd say none of us will mind if you do keep posting essays about yourself - that's exactly the kind of thing this thread is for.
Help? Who knows how to change me into somebody else? 
