I feel so disconnected from my parents' culture...and it has been making me depressed

As regards to culture, i can't stand my own culture as well. Sometimes you just need to hang in there, and deal with it until you can be free =(

Hi

Please keep anon.

I really don't know how to explain this, so please bear with me. I have had a very turbulent childhood. I was abused from a young age until into my late teens. It's only when I attempted suicide nearly a couple of years ago that the abuse is becoming non-existant but I still suffer with the emotional scars, self-destructive tendancies, dangerous negative feelings and suicidal thoughts. I have written a couple of threads before on my situations:

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1514118

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=30457186

My problem is I feel so disconnected with my parents' culture sometimes. I know the food we eat, and family values. I understand the language but I can't speak it I was born and brought up in Britain so this is the place I call home but I don't want to lose my roots despite what has happened. I wish my parents had spoken more of the language from a young age rather than speaking English to me most of the time. So I want to know about keeping in touch with my roots? I still consider myself British, but I am made to feel like an outcast because I am not perfect and don't know every single thing about Nigeria and can't speak the language.

Sometimes I feel negative about the culture, because of the abuse (the abuse is very much linked to the culture, because that's how a lot of families treat their kids where my parents are from, and kids don't have much of a voice or a social standing). Also there is the lack of individuality and lack of freedom of choice. Maybe that's why there is so much negativity inside me, because my parents spent most of my childhood abusing me and not being very encouraging instead of immersing me in the culture (positive aspects) and language a lot more than they did.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense....but I needed to vent...I am trying to familiarise myself with culture...but I need some advice...

Thanks

I hope you understand, but I rather not PM anyone, as I want my identity to remain secret.

Can you discuss your experiences?

Gosh it's awful, I hate the idea of 'sticking it out' as it just damages me, but I will be leaving for uni in September. There are aspects I can't stand about the culture. I always feel as though I was born into the wrong family. I have stayed for far too long, but I will having therapy soon to deal with all that has happened and to deal with my mental health issues.

To be honest, if the nature of the culture is the cause of your situation in the first place, and it makes you sad, and your parents abusive and the culture is catalysing of this, maybe it's better you are not immersed in it.

Sure, what do you wanna talk about?

Sometimes therapy doesn't [i can't tell you from my own experience since i hate doctors, but i know people who are on emedication and stuff] I know that feeling - of not belonging in my family because we're so different. But sometimes you have to learn to go with the flow. Other times you can confront you parents about culture. And other times you annoy the hell out of them in order to go your way.

Well, how did you manage to get out, and how did you deal with the aftermath of getting out of a situation like that?

Hey guys I'm back on again. I'm okay at the moment, and will go into therapy soon, but I need to ask something. I might sound daft, but here goes...

In my previous posts including the one above, I have mentioned my parents being racist. My parents are also homophobic, but that's another thing.

I know I shouldn't argue with racist, narrow-minded people - you can't argue or reason with stupidity or ignorance. So I don't bother talking to them. I can't ever have a proper intellectual conversation with them anyway because they always seem to undermine me anyway.

The go on about mixed race relationships and mixed race people like there is something wrong there, like it's totally sinful and unnatural. They don't get their heads around why people would date other races. In their opinion, everyone should stick to their own. In their eyes, white people are bad people because of the slave trade and their position in the world. They believe that mixed-raced marriages and relationships never work out, and that mixed-raced kids will get bullied and will never belong anywhere. In my parents' eyes, it is all an abomination. I've been bullied before and I know from experience that anyone can be bullied for whatever reason. I've even spoken to some mixed-race people and they've had the best of both worlds, they've never felt as though they didn't belong anywhere, they just felt like another person, and they were raised well and stable, unlike myself.

I spoke to the reverend and the reverend's wife at my church. One of the things they said was that one day I will find someone who loves me for myself, and as long as there is love and other great aspects of the relationship (care, communication and trust) then colour and creed should not matter. They also looked at it from a religious stance, saying that we are all 'children of god' and stuff like that.

It's awkward hearing all that, but I know where it comes from. But I hate the idea that I am not allowed to fall in love with someone who treats me with respect and cares for me more than my parents ever did just because of some narrow-minded views. They make me feel as though I have some kind of obligation towards them, or like I'm some investment. All they have ever done is push me away with their actions. It sometimes makes me ashamed to be African - I hate to say it.

I know this sounds stupid, but do they have a point? I understand where their views come from, so am I stupid to think the way I do? I am very open-minded and I look beyond race.

Sorry if this makes no sense, I know this all sounds stupid, but I'm gradually going insane with everything that's going on at the moment. I'm made to feel as though I am not allowed to have a mind of my own and be an individual, and it really drives me insane to the point where I am nearly breaking down.

Also my mum always says that we are not wanted in this country, so we cannot identify as British, and she said that I shouldn't have mixed race kids because if we get deported they will not belong anywhere.

Hi

Please keep anon.

I really don't know how to explain this, so please bear with me. I have had a very turbulent childhood. I was abused from a young age until into my late teens. It's only when I attempted suicide nearly a couple of years ago that the abuse is becoming non-existant but I still suffer with the emotional scars, self-destructive tendancies, dangerous negative feelings and suicidal thoughts. I have written a couple of threads before on my situations:

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1514118

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=30457186

My problem is I feel so disconnected with my parents' culture sometimes. I know the food we eat, and family values. I understand the language but I can't speak it I was born and brought up in Britain so this is the place I call home but I don't want to lose my roots despite what has happened. I wish my parents had spoken more of the language from a young age rather than speaking English to me most of the time. So I want to know about keeping in touch with my roots? I still consider myself British, but I am made to feel like an outcast because I am not perfect and don't know every single thing about Nigeria and can't speak the language.

Sometimes I feel negative about the culture, because of the abuse (the abuse is very much linked to the culture, because that's how a lot of families treat their kids where my parents are from, and kids don't have much of a voice or a social standing). Also there is the lack of individuality and lack of freedom of choice. Maybe that's why there is so much negativity inside me, because my parents spent most of my childhood abusing me and not being very encouraging instead of immersing me in the culture (positive aspects) and language a lot more than they did.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense....but I needed to vent...I am trying to familiarise myself with culture...but I need some advice...

Thanks

Are you illegal? If not why would you be deported?

You're what you think. So, think positive...

I hate when people go through experiences like yours.

Being black, it's ery likely for you to feel outcast because many people are racist and refuse to admit you into their culture. Your own culture may not accept you because you're not very much like them either.

It's a difficult thing to be a minority. You just have to stay strong.

To get in touch with your roots you need to go back to your roots. I went back home for 6 weeks, and I believe that had I not, there would've been no other way to get in touch with my roots. I also take private classes to learn my mother tongue, not only do I learn the language, but also some of the traditions and values. About not having a voice, I've been through the same thing. I've come to see such treatment is typical of people of developing countries, as they are yet to 'get with the times'. Your intelligence dictates your particular connection with your environment, how you percieve the things around you, and how others percieve and treat you. Your mind is your most powerful tool. Use it to shape your environment around you and to overcome your obstacles.