Results are out! Find what you need...fast. Get quick advice or join the chat
Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

I feel so disconnected from my parents' culture...and it has been making me depressed

Announcements Posted on
Applying to Uni? Let Universities come to you. Click here to get your perfect place 20-10-2014
    • 5 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    maybe revert to a muslim bro
    it helps alot
    gives u a sense of belonging
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by wwelol)
    maybe revert to a muslim bro
    it helps alot
    gives u a sense of belonging
    Maybe....not sure...but it doesn't hurt to explore...after all I am open to exploring religions and I have friends of different religions.
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    CBT should be a good step.

    And why don't you try to get onto a university course outside of London and move away? Your world might feel quite small and claustrophobic now, but once you start living independently, you'll be free to be yourself and not feel as dependent on your parents as you do now. The adjustment period is hard but definitely worth it. You don't owe your parents anything, and when you're living away you can have far more control on how much contact you have with your parents


    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :console:

    I might PM you, but I'm not sure yet. It's nothing personal, it's nice that you can relate in some way, but I don't usually tell many people on TSR about this sort of thing.

    I will probably end up having therapy, I would like to - I've been referred for CBT.

    I don't believe my relationship with my dad will ever get better with him. He's so toxic and parasitic. And no matter what, my mum will always be on his side. In fact I would like to limit contact as I said in my previous threads. Now I am considering cutting them out...:erm: though I am not sure if I should do this and how I would go about doing this myself. I would like to just be able to get on with them so that if I had kids, they could have more of a (positive) Nigerian influence, but there is a chance that my parents could disown me in the future if I step out of line so to speak (see my posts, you might get what I mean). For example, if I ended up being gay, or in a mixed relationship, my dad would never talk to me again without a doubt. Did you read my post above your response? What do you think I am at my wits end :sad:
    • 24 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :console:

    I might PM you, but I'm not sure yet. It's nothing personal, it's nice that you can relate in some way, but I don't usually tell many people on TSR about this sort of thing.

    I will probably end up having therapy, I would like to - I've been referred for CBT.

    I don't believe my relationship with my dad will ever get better with him. He's so toxic and parasitic. And no matter what, my mum will always be on his side. In fact I would like to limit contact as I said in my previous threads. Now I am considering cutting them out...:erm: though I am not sure if I should do this and how I would go about doing this myself. I would like to just be able to get on with them so that if I had kids, they could have more of a (positive) Nigerian influence, but there is a chance that my parents could disown me in the future if I step out of line so to speak (see my posts, you might get what I mean). For example, if I ended up being gay, or in a mixed relationship, my dad would never talk to me again without a doubt. Did you read my post above your response? What do you think I am at my wits end :sad:
    It's completely fine, ask away here and I will do my best to answer I will tell you this if it wasn't for a couple of people on TSR then I probably wouldn't have realised that my life was slightly abnormal.

    My mother sounds so similar! But what I needed is that distance, that feeling that she almost couldn't touch me any more. Personally I think things will get better between me and her (she just called and the conversation was very one-sided but I can sort of tell in her voice that she's almost sorry that everything came to me going to uni). In response to what you've said above: honestly, selective hearing is the best trait you can ever have. I'm not the argumentative type and confrontation isn't really in my nature so when my mum starts I really just switch off and pretend I'm listening - you should just be happy that you are more understanding and don't think like they do. I also think that people can tend to mellow out with old age - at least that's my hope - my mum can't be angry for her entire life. When I was in therapy, (mum didn't know and still doesn't), the guy I had was a Nigerian - which a) made things easier to explain as he automatically understood, b) my dad got called in eventually, despite me not wanting it, but he was able to shed some light on her behaviour. Do you have another family member/friend that you trust enough to confide in?

    As a question are you going to uni? The only thing that kept me going is that everything was temporary, and now I'm at uni, I can be the person I want to be and no-one really has to know how messed up she is.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by anon1212)
    CBT should be a good step.

    And why don't you try to get onto a university course outside of London and move away? Your world might feel quite small and claustrophobic now, but once you start living independently, you'll be free to be yourself and not feel as dependent on your parents as you do now. The adjustment period is hard but definitely worth it. You don't owe your parents anything, and when you're living away you can have far more control on how much contact you have with your parents
    Thanks for your reply.

    I have an interview with a university in the North East this week. I'm really hoping I can get in

    I really want to try to go as far away as possible anyway, so I shall try.

    What's really weird is...I just had an idea. Stupid and bizzare I know, but I was thinking of running away when I've graduated. Silly fleeting thought... but I do need to keep away and limit contact forever. I love London so much, it's my home, but if I have to stay on the other side of the country or other side of the world, I will.
    • 8 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Have you thought about university in Ireland too?? I know Dublin is becoming quite popular lately (though I suppose that is because of the upcoming £9,000 a year fees at universities in the UK). There's also some great universities in Wales, Scotland, the extreme South West (Devon & Cornwall) too if you're looking to get as far away from London as possible.
    • 2 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Eat some fufu. You will fit right in.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by natty_d)
    My mother sounds so similar! But what I needed is that distance, that feeling that she almost couldn't touch me any more.
    That's exactly what I need. I've spent ages trying to convice myself that going to the uni in London (which I do like very much), but I must try and get into the other uni I applied to, which is in the North East. I've got to be pragmatic - I know that ideally going to the uni in the North East will be best for me.

    You should just be happy that you are more understanding and don't think like they do.
    I'm happy I understand (I love diversity and I have all sort of friends from different backgrounds) but they wouldn't be, and they would disown me.

    When I was in therapy, (mum didn't know and still doesn't), the guy I had was a Nigerian - which a) made things easier to explain as he automatically understood.
    Same here. No one in my family knows that I've had counselling and that I've had a referral. They don't know that I've told organisations and people at both schools I went too abut the abuse. They don't know that I told the doctor (who knows my parents pretty well and so was shocked). They don't even know that I told the social services about the abuse. So I've told so many people and my parents didn't know.

    There is a child protection officer at my school, and although she's white, she totally understood why it was happening, in terms of culture, because she has dealt with a lot of similar cases.

    The only problem I have with telling older people/Nigeria people/both is that they seem to want to use my parents' culture, social background and my ethnic background to justify the abuse and to make out as though it is not abuse at all. I've had all this happen before, it was really upsetting.

    When I committed suicide the doctors and the social worker suggested that I should have counselling...but my parents were very much against as they thought I would be dwelling on things and they were worried about what I would tell the counsellor. I still went anyway. In hindsight I really they wanted to brush everything under the carpet.

    Do you have another family member/friend that you trust enough to confide in?
    Like I said, I've told a lot of people. A couple of friends know. But there is no one I can tell in my family. Maybe I could confide in a cousin of mine.

    As a question are you going to uni? The only thing that kept me going is that everything was temporary, and now I'm at uni, I can be the person I want to be and no-one really has to know how messed up she is.
    Maybe I'm dumb but I don't fully understand the bits in bold :confused:

    Also I've applied to uni, and now I can't wait to go as I can't wait to get the heck out of here. I don't ever wanna come back. I've even told another user on this thread that I'm even thinking of running away after graduating, as I don't want to be here ever again....fleeting thought that occured to me...I just don't want to move back with my parents after graduation and go back to square one.
    • 24 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's exactly what I need. I've spent ages trying to convice myself that going to the uni in London (which I do like very much), but I must try and get into the other uni I applied to, which is in the North East. I've got to be pragmatic - I know that ideally going to the uni in the North East will be best for me.
    Good - don't do what I did is force myself to apply to all London unis, then tell your mother that you want to go the one that you applied to that isn't in London, then **** up your grades because you spent so much time worrying about how to tell her. Don't let them hold you back - uni is your ticket out.

    I'm happy I understand (I love diversity and I have all sort of friends from different backgrounds) but they wouldn't be, and they would disown me.
    Parents say a lot of things when they're angry and it although it may seem like they may disown you, they may actually not. I know it's important to be realistic and so you should be prepared for them to not accept you but the point is if they do, then they may not be worth having anyway.

    Same here. No one in my family knows that I've had counselling and that I've had a referral. They don't know that I've told organisations and people at both schools I went too abut the abuse. They don't know that I told the doctor (who knows my parents pretty well and so was shocked). They don't even know that I told the social services about the abuse. So I've told so many people and my parents didn't know.

    There is a child protection officer at my school, and although she's white, she totally understood why it was happening, in terms of culture, because she has dealt with a lot of similar cases.
    Social services. The dirty word. I made sure social services didn't get involved purely because of the hassle. Don't feel guilty about it or anything, I know I did for ages as most people see my mother as this holy, figurehead like character who doesn't put a foot wrong.

    My head of year was white and the first councillor was white - my head of year was very understanding (she joked that she had dealt with asian parents before :p:) but I found the councillor didn't understand properly so she got her colleague to sit with us before he took over.

    The only problem I have with telling older people/Nigeria people/both is that they seem to want to use my parents' culture, social background and my ethnic background to justify the abuse and to make out as though it is not abuse at all. I've had all this happen before, it was really upsetting.
    Have you ever read Chinua Achebe - 'Things Fall Apart'? There's a part in the book where Nwoye (the son of the main character) gets upset when his father (the main character) kills his best friend in the name of the "culture". He writes that 'something snapped in his heart' - I always remember this feeling when people try and justify their behaviour like this. Remember that you can distance yourself from it however. Your culture is not like this and its not an excuse at all :no:

    When I committed suicide the doctors and the social worker suggested that I should have counselling...but my parents were very much against as they thought I would be dwelling on things and they were worried about what I would tell the counsellor. I still went anyway. In hindsight I really they wanted to brush everything under the carpet.
    Hmm interesting. My mother doesn't know about my couple of attempts. I know suicide is a bit of a taboo topic with Nigerians as well but it's good that you ignored their advice.

    Maybe I'm dumb but I don't fully understand the bits in bold :confused:
    Well once I realised there was a way out - university, I realised that my time of abuse and constant chastisement would only be temporary. There's an old guyanese saying - the longest rope must have end. It will end, even if it seems like forever.

    Also I've applied to uni, and now I can't wait to go as I can't wait to get the heck out of here. I don't ever wanna come back. I've even told another user on this thread that I'm even thinking of running away after graduating, as I don't want to be here ever again....fleeting thought that occured to me...I just don't want to move back with my parents after graduation and go back to square one.
    Personally, I wouldn't cut all ties straightaway. Your relationship could get better with them once you go to uni. You wouldn't even be running away, you would have a degree and could apply for jobs elsewhere or up the country and put your distance out that way. I would (if I were you) focus on getting my grades so you can get out as soon as possible.
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for your reply.

    I have an interview with a university in the North East this week. I'm really hoping I can get in

    I really want to try to go as far away as possible anyway, so I shall try.

    What's really weird is...I just had an idea. Stupid and bizzare I know, but I was thinking of running away when I've graduated. Silly fleeting thought... but I do need to keep away and limit contact forever. I love London so much, it's my home, but if I have to stay on the other side of the country or other side of the world, I will.
    I also want to move quite far away from my parents... I'm guessing the other side of the country is still far. Best of luck for your interview, and be positive for the future! CBT will also help you to do that . x
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by natty_d)
    ..............

    Thank you so much

    I will get away one day.

    I see what you're saying about what I am going through going to an end, but I feel as though in some ways it wont because of the way my dad is and also but they want to control me and impose their narrowminded views on me.

    Right now I'm on an unexpected gap year, but I will go to university this year. I've just to hope and pray that the uni in the North East will give me an unconditional offer, and then that's it. I'll pick it (hopefully I will like the uni, but even though I haven't visited it I've researched and it's such a good uni it's sound great and the course is fantastic).

    At least I have a tiny bit of hope...let's just hope I can keep on going and not succumb to taking my life.

    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I should also say, fingers crossed for myself. I've got to get into that uni :crossedf::crossedf::crossedf::crossedf::crossedf::crossedf::crossedf:
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by gagaslilmonsteruk)
    Have you thought about university in Ireland too?? I know Dublin is becoming quite popular lately (though I suppose that is because of the upcoming £9,000 a year fees at universities in the UK). There's also some great universities in Wales, Scotland, the extreme South West (Devon & Cornwall) too if you're looking to get as far away from London as possible.
    Would I still have to pay £9000 as an English student? I thought that as an English student, no matter where you study you will still have to pay the higher fees.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by anon1212)
    I also want to move quite far away from my parents... I'm guessing the other side of the country is still far. Best of luck for your interview, and be positive for the future! CBT will also help you to do that . x
    Why do you want to go far? Have you applied to university? Where do you live and which unis did you apply to?
    • 24 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you so much

    I will get away one day.

    I see what you're saying about what I am going through going to an end, but I feel as though in some ways it wont because of the way my dad is and also but they want to control me and impose their narrowminded views on me.

    Right now I'm on an unexpected gap year, but I will go to university this year. I've just to hope and pray that the uni in the North East will give me an unconditional offer, and then that's it. I'll pick it (hopefully I will like the uni, but even though I haven't visited it I've researched and it's such a good uni it's sound great and the course is fantastic).

    At least I have a tiny bit of hope...let's just hope I can keep on going and not succumb to taking my life.

    I have my fingers crossed for you - I also had to take a gap year because of everything that happened to me :sad:

    Good luck
    • 8 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Would I still have to pay £9000 as an English student? I thought that as an English student, no matter where you study you will still have to pay the higher fees.
    I think it depends where you end up going. A high number of unis nationwide are going for it.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by natty_d)
    I have my fingers crossed for you - I also had to take a gap year because of everything that happened to me :sad:

    Good luck


    :console:

    How did you cope on your gap year? I really worked so hard to get into university last year (I applied to unis outside London) yet no matter how hard I worked I didn't get the grades I needed. I was so devastated, destroyed, distressed and heartbroken, because I needed a university place. But to be honest I believe that what happpened in my childhood had caught up with me during my A Levels, causing me to be under unbearable strain to the point where I couldn't focus at school, and just wanted to die (hence my suicide attempt). For me spending an extra was a nightmare option, and now I feel as though day in day out I am living that nightmare.

    I know it's only a few months left, but I feel like every day is a waste. I just want to live a life of my own and be myself. I know I have to try to keep myself going. I can't stop having those negative feelings. I've lost pleasure in activities and life in general to the point where I feel like a dead person walking.

    Anyway thank you
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Why do you want to go far? Have you applied to university? Where do you live and which unis did you apply to?
    I'm actually applying to go to uni in london. And I'm from the north. Also after graduation I would like to live somewhere in london, or some other major city in the uk.
    • 24 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)


    :console:

    How did you cope on your gap year? I really worked so hard to get into university last year (I applied to unis outside London) yet no matter how hard I worked I didn't get the grades I needed. I was so devastated, destroyed, distressed and heartbroken, because I needed a university place. But to be honest I believe that what happpened in my childhood had caught up with me during my A Levels, causing me to be under unbearable strain to the point where I couldn't focus at school, and just wanted to die (hence my suicide attempt). For me spending an extra was a nightmare option, and now I feel as though day in day out I am living that nightmare.

    I know it's only a few months left, but I feel like every day is a waste. I just want to live a life of my own and be myself. I know I have to try to keep myself going. I can't stop having those negative feelings. I've lost pleasure in activities and life in general to the point where I feel like a dead person walking.

    Anyway thank you
    Our stories are remarkably similar, it's unreal :lolwut:

    Anyway I got a job. Getting the job (by pure chance) could have been the best thing that happened to me. Getting out the house and being financially independent served me very well. Not having to rely on her improved things for me. I used to feel crazy on the weekends though when I would be faced with several dilemmas: church, cleaning.. I just tried as much as I could to remove myself from the situation.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by natty_d)
    Our stories are remarkably similar, it's unreal :lolwut:

    Anyway I got a job. Getting the job (by pure chance) could have been the best thing that happened to me. Getting out the house and being financially independent served me very well. Not having to rely on her improved things for me. I used to feel crazy on the weekends though when I would be faced with several dilemmas: church, cleaning.. I just tried as much as I could to remove myself from the situation.
    I know I can't believe it :eek:

    :console:

    Well although I don't have a job anymore, I still have financial independence as I am doing some freelance work.

    I don't know about you but I definately cannot forgive my parents for what they did to me, and I need to to keep my distance in order to live my life tbh. People like that don't change.

    I'm just not so forgiving of people who hurt others, no matter who they are. If some random stranger abused me then it wouldn't bec acceptable, so why should my parents be the exception?

    Forget culture, anyone who loves their child wouldn't abuse them.

Reply

Submit reply

Register

Thanks for posting! You just need to create an account in order to submit the post
  1. this can't be left blank
    that username has been taken, please choose another Forgotten your password?
  2. this can't be left blank
    this email is already registered. Forgotten your password?
  3. this can't be left blank

    6 characters or longer with both numbers and letters is safer

  4. this can't be left empty
    your full birthday is required
  1. By joining you agree to our Ts and Cs, privacy policy and site rules

  2. Slide to join now Processing…

Updated: January 15, 2013
New on TSR

Personal statement help

Use our clever tool to create a PS you're proud of.

Article updates
Reputation gems:
You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.