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I feel so disconnected from my parents' culture...and it has been making me depressed

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    (Original post by Georgiina_Tee)
    ............
    Also, in relation to what I said about some 2nd generation Nigerians believe it's a good way to be raised, one example is if you go on the African Society on TSR. Some of them boast about it, and it physically makes me sick. They have been times when I've been in school and people boast about how their parents beat them with a rolling pin blah blah blah and I feel my chest getting tight, my stomach hurting and then I feel as though I want to die. Even some people boast about how they find it funny and they boast about how they still have the bruises on their chest/legs/arms whatever. :mad:

    When people boast about this sort of barbaric treatment, it makes me sick and it makes me want to die. I remember hearing a group of people in the 6th form talk about being belted, and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. Sometimes when I hear these conversations I want to just curl up, go to sleep and never wake up. It has that much of an effect on me.

    :puke: :puke: :puke:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    .....
    Also like you I didn't realise what was happening to me was wrong and was abuse. I was rasised to just accept it but I always felt as though something was never right about the situation. So when I was 11 years, I finally plucked up the courage to say something. I emotionally broke down to my friends, and they were all very shocked and they told me that that kind of treatment is unacceptable. I realised I was right all along - it was never right, and I started to feel less guilty about seeing the situation as abuse, because really that's what it was. And other people had clearly pointed that out.
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    I laugh now about how I was beaten because after I was beaten even though I probably hated then at the time it was never for a prolonged amount of time or something that regularly happened forno reason. I can't say what happened to you but you obviously continues to feel the feeling of neglect where other people often forgot or their parents actually apologised probably indirectly to words their children
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Georgiina_Tee)
    I laugh now about how I was beaten because after I was beaten even though I probably hated then at the time it was never for a prolonged amount of time or something that regularly happened forno reason. I can't say what happened to you but you obviously continues to feel the feeling of neglect where other people often forgot or their parents actually apologised probably indirectly to words their children
    Um...ok. But I guess your situation is different from mine. My situation wasn't a simple thing that I could look back on and laugh about (??). I was abused. That's very very serious. And no laughing matter for me.
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've got another thing to ask...maybe this seems minor.

    But...my mum has been discussing marriage and weddings recently and she was saying something about if we were engaged, we would have to go and do a traditional wedding in Nigeria, otherwise the marriage in invalid, because we are Africans and we have to get married in Nigeria. She said that we had to because my brother was saying that he doesn't want to get married in Nigeria. For myself, if I get engaged, I would like to do a traditional ceremony in Nigeria (tbh I wouldn't mind), then have my white wedding here. When I watched Kate and Wills wedding last year, I thought "I'd love a dress like that!" And like most girls growing up, I'd often dream of how my wedding would be.

    I think she might have been saying that because of culture. Or because she would rather we married in Nigeria. Or because family members would have to approve of the marriage first. Or because there are some misconceptions about marrying abroad - some people worry about marrying abroad in case it is invalid, at least that's what I heard. But I thought if you got married anywhere in any country, under any religious buildings or in a registrar, it wouldn't matter because it would be valid. I don't get what my mum is saying. I wouldn't mind doing the traditional ceremony or incorporating the traditional ceremony into my wedding just to have some link with my roots at least, but there is no way my mum is going to dictate what my wedding/marriage/relationships are gonna be like, and she is certainly not going to ruin my plans of a white wedding!

    Can anyone shed any light on this?
    Can anyone else explain more about this please?
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    #1

    UPDATE:

    I've decided to accept the university in the North East of England...it's for the best. So I shall be going there in September I'm from London and have lived their my whole life (I'm such a city girl) but it's time to leave. I have no problem with London...but with my family. Also there are too many bad memories from school and family that I've decided that I definately need a fresh start and I need to re-start my life again. I want to live my life on my own terms, otherwise I will not live at all. I have often felt so stifled and suffocated, and I need to break free for good. I want to be somewhere where I can thrive and be an individual. I don't want to be put into some sort of straightjacket anymore, and I don't want to be treated like I am some sort of subordinate clause. I want to make a fresh start and live my life, because I haven't ever had the chance to do so. I haven't been living, I've been existing just to be treated badly by other's at my expense.

    Also I will have my telephone assessment for CBT early in April. Hope that goes well.

    I hope one day I shall be able to update, saying I've finally found peace, and able to live my life.

    I still have hope. Hopefully one day I will get better. But for now, I need to prepare for some big changes that will hopefully have a positive impact of my life for good. I would like to change my life for the better, and I can't wait.
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    I don't want to be dictated anymore...

    I am going to start living my life...it's time for things to change.

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :console:

    They worked so hard but they hurt you...

    Do you have a definative plan in place to break away...of course you say you will finish your degree and then get a job - the key here is independence, as well as being a strong individual...but how will you be able to cut them out? Will you remain here in the UK after study?

    So sad...I understand it is hard...I am gonna try to keep my distance...

    Also I feel sorry for you because of how they treated you for having Aspergers'. It's never right. But I understand where it comes from...here in the UK there is a lot of research, support, and understanding about this sort of thing, and for people who have Aspergers' and Autism. There are even special schools for children with autism and Aspergers'. Whereas in Nigeria it's not like that, they wouldn't understand, so they tend to treat a person badly for it

    Have you thought about getting help for your issues, like counselling?
    I would try counselling, but it scares the hell out of me (I haven't had the best experience with doctors ) plus i'm really bad at explaining my feelings, putting sentences together, everything just comes out terrible. And if my parents found out, I don't even want to go there..

    I probably will stay here after Uni and get a job, my parents are extremely pushy when it comes to education, they've got me applying for scores of internship programs which i've got no problems with..but it gets very tiring and repetitive, I doubt i'd get into any of them since I'm really **** at interviews, i've got no problems with written tests though.

    In terms of independence, well i've got none of it - they happen to have and spend a lot of money on me, and i swear they never fail to remind me of that, which makes me feel more guilty...I may try counselling but people in my uni dont seem very helpful at all..

    Soz this has come so late, haven't been on TSR in a while (too much work).. and Thanks for replying
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by someonesomewherexx)
    .............
    Doctors aren't counsellors, but they are supposed to be understanding and remain confidential, and they would normally refer you to have counselling or CBT. Also, universities usually offer couselling, and they remain confidential. So your parents are very unlikely to find out. For years I've been telling people about my situation. I've even have counselling (in 2010 and in 2011) but my parents have never found out. I know it means that I am defying them but at the end of the day I need help. Also my doctor (who has known my parents well for years) knows all about my situation and she has always kept quite because the things I say have to remain confidential.

    You can be independent. Just remind me again, are you a home or international student? Try getting a job to try to be a bit more independent. Also, if your parents are constantly telling you that they spend a lot of money on you, then it sounds like they are still trying to control you and manipulate you, which can also be considered to be emotional abuse in some ways. Abusers tend to thrive on power at the expense of their victims so if there is something that you depend on them for (e.g. money, housing, love, care, etc) then they can use that against you as a weapon to make you comply to their demands and expectations, hence giving them more control and power over you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Doctors aren't counsellors, but they are supposed to be understanding and remain confidential, and they would normally refer you to have counselling or CBT. Also, universities usually offer couselling, and they remain confidential. So your parents are very unlikely to find out. For years I've been telling people about my situation. I've even have counselling (in 2010 and in 2011) but my parents have never found out. I know it means that I am defying them but at the end of the day I need help. Also my doctor (who has known my parents well for years) knows all about my situation and she has always kept quite because the things I say have to remain confidential.

    You can be independent. Just remind me again, are you a home or international student? Try getting a job to try to be a bit more independent. Also, if your parents are constantly telling you that they spend a lot of money on you, then it sounds like they are still trying to control you and manipulate you, which can also be considered to be emotional abuse in some ways. Abusers tend to thrive on power at the expense of their victims so if there is something that you depend on them for (e.g. money, housing, love, care, etc) then they can use that against you as a weapon to make you comply to their demands and expectations, hence giving them more control and power over you.
    I'm an International Student, probably why they go on so much about the money. I would go for counselling but I kind of fear being looked at by teachers as stupid/disabled/dumb - because they would have to be told, right? and I would have to put it in whatever job applications I make (which would go down terribly with my parents) all these fears I have, I think stem from the way I was treated as a kid/teen.Hopefully it gets better.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by someonesomewherexx)
    I'm an International Student, probably why they go on so much about the money. I would go for counselling but I kind of fear being looked at by teachers as stupid/disabled/dumb - because they would have to be told, right? and I would have to put it in whatever job applications I make (which would go down terribly with my parents) all these fears I have, I think stem from the way I was treated as a kid/teen.Hopefully it gets better.
    Ok.

    A good counsellor/counselling service will never judge you, and will always remain confidential. Also, they will be understanding. The counsellors I've had have been nothing but supportive, and they have been so fantastic and understanding.

    Also, if you have had counselling, you wouldn't need to disclose it. I apply for jobs all the time and I never disclose that I attempted suicide, regularly suffer from suicide ideation and have had counselling and will go onto having CBT (hopefully). I don't see how it will it as anyone else's business so I keep it to myself. To me the past is the past, and I want to have a fantastic career, so why bring it up? Employees don't need to know. At least that's what I've been told by a doctor and other members of TSR:
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show....php?t=1428412

    By the way that is my thread, I asked that question a few days after coming out of hospital after I was admitted after overdosing.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ok.

    A good counsellor/counselling service will never judge you, and will always remain confidential. Also, they will be understanding. The counsellors I've had have been nothing but supportive, and they have been so fantastic and understanding.

    Also, if you have had counselling, you wouldn't need to disclose it. I apply for jobs all the time and I never disclose that I attempted suicide, regularly suffer from suicide ideation and have had counselling and will go onto having CBT (hopefully). I don't see how it is anyone else's business so I keep it to myself. To me the past is the past, and I want to have a fantastic career, so why bring it up? Employees don't need to know. At least that's what I've been told by a doctor and other members of TSR:
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show....php?t=1428412

    By the way that is my thread, I asked that question a few days after coming out of hospital after I was admitted after overdosing.

    A little edit...
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I've got another thing to ask...maybe this seems minor.

    But...my mum has been discussing marriage and weddings recently and she was saying something about if we were engaged, we would have to go and do a traditional wedding in Nigeria, otherwise the marriage in invalid, because we are Africans and we have to get married in Nigeria. She said that we had to because my brother was saying that he doesn't want to get married in Nigeria. For myself, if I get engaged, I would like to do a traditional ceremony in Nigeria (tbh I wouldn't mind), then have my white wedding here. When I watched Kate and Wills wedding last year, I thought "I'd love a dress like that!" And like most girls growing up, I'd often dream of how my wedding would be.

    I think she might have been saying that because of culture. Or because she would rather we married in Nigeria. Or because family members would have to approve of the marriage first. Or because there are some misconceptions about marrying abroad - some people worry about marrying abroad in case it is invalid, at least that's what I heard. But I thought if you got married anywhere in any country, under any religious buildings or in a registrar, it wouldn't matter because it would be valid. I don't get what my mum is saying. I wouldn't mind doing the traditional ceremony or incorporating the traditional ceremony into my wedding just to have some link with my roots at least, but there is no way my mum is going to dictate what my wedding/marriage/relationships are gonna be like, and she is certainly not going to ruin my plans of a white wedding!

    Can anyone shed any light on this?
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've got another thing to ask...maybe this seems minor.

    But...my mum has been discussing marriage and weddings recently and she was saying something about if we were engaged, we would have to go and do a traditional wedding in Nigeria, otherwise the marriage in invalid, because we are Africans and we have to get married in Nigeria. She said that we had to because my brother was saying that he doesn't want to get married in Nigeria. For myself, if I get engaged, I would like to do a traditional ceremony in Nigeria (tbh I wouldn't mind), then have my white wedding here. When I watched Kate and Wills wedding last year, I thought "I'd love a dress like that!" And like most girls growing up, I'd often dream of how my wedding would be.

    I think she might have been saying that because of culture. Or because she would rather we married in Nigeria. Or because family members would have to approve of the marriage first. Or because there are some misconceptions about marrying abroad - some people worry about marrying abroad in case it is invalid, at least that's what I heard. But I thought if you got married anywhere in any country, under any religious buildings or in a registrar, it wouldn't matter because it would be valid. I don't get what my mum is saying. I wouldn't mind doing the traditional ceremony or incorporating the traditional ceremony into my wedding just to have some link with my roots at least, but there is no way my mum is going to dictate what my wedding/marriage/relationships are gonna be like, and she is certainly not going to ruin my plans of a white wedding!

    Can anyone shed any light on this?
    Anyone? I kind of need to know...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anyone? I kind of need to know...
    i don't get what you're asking? are you asking if there is some kind of British law stating your marriage is invalid unless it takes place in Nigeria?
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    (Original post by RubyShoes)
    i don't get what you're asking? are you asking if there is some kind of British law stating your marriage is invalid unless it takes place in Nigeria?
    Yes, that is kind of what I am asking...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes, that is kind of what I am asking...
    God No, I'm Nigerian and the only reason my Mum would want me to get married over there is the traditional wedding (mostly). Getting married in the UK doesn't give your marriage less validity than getting married in Nigeria.
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by someonesomewherexx)
    God No, I'm Nigerian and the only reason my Mum would want me to get married over there is the traditional wedding (mostly). Getting married in the UK doesn't give your marriage less validity than getting married in Nigeria.
    Ok that makes sense. She just keeps on making out as though that would be the case :rolleyes: when really I don't believe it would be. Why on earth would it matter where I got married? i could get married anywhere in the world and it would be valid wouldn't it...I always had a feeling she was chatting bull when she was saying that if I didn't get married in Nigeria, it wouldn't be valid in Britian.

    Anyway I think I'd like to get married here, but at some point before or after the wedding I'd do the traditional wedding ceremony in Nigeria. I don't mind a traditional ceremony - I want both - but I wouldn't want my mum to get in the way of my plans. The problem is, I feel as though she is imposing it on me and using any excuse to do so, and giving me less choice. I want to get married here in a church (if I choose to remain a Christian in future) or in a registry office. Then I will do a traditional ceremony, before or after. I would be officially married when I do my proper wedding (so not when I do the Nigerian ceremony). She needs to stop imposing her expectation on me otherwise she will put me off!

    However my brother has said on several occasions that he doesn't want to do the Nigeria ceremony at all - I don't really care, it's his life - but my mum keeps on imposing it on him.

    When I was young I used to think that when I became and adult, my parents would treat me better and would stop treating me as inferior and would stop dictating my life, but I'm 19 now and I can't see that happening anytime soon, so I'm moving away to the North-East of England in September so that I can start living my life. I always feel as though they will constantly treat me life a clone and dictate my life - so I am considering cutting them out. I don't know if this is something I'd want to do though.
    If you look at my original post you will see that in one of my threads I am considering limiting contact, now I believe this is definately something I shall do. As for cutting them out, I am not sure. But I will definately be doing as much as I can to limit contact and keep my distance. It's hard to want to keep people in your life when they try to dictate your life or threaten to disown you for not being the person they want you to be, especially when they are your own parents, putting certain expectations on you and manipulating you. But my main aim is to live my life for myself - I owe it to myself anyway, especially after all the horrific things I've been through.
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by someonesomewherexx)
    God No, I'm Nigerian and the only reason my Mum would want me to get married over there is the traditional wedding (mostly). Getting married in the UK doesn't give your marriage less validity than getting married in Nigeria.
    By the way where would you like to get married, when/if that time comes?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    And I understand the language, but I want to learn more of it and speak more of it (I only speak a little bit).
    don't let the language thing get to you too much. the fact that you say u understand it is a BIG PLUS & kudos for wanting to learn to speak it. with a british accent you'll never be able to speak it without getting teased at. i get teased but laugh it off. I know many nigerians born and bred that don't understand their mother tongue, take pride in the fact they don't & make no effort to learn. very common in the upper classes that attend private schools beit in nigeria or here. the elite private schools schools in nigeria don't even encourage talk in local language & some of their parents don't speak it to their kids either. So there are nigerians you have lived there all their life & don't know any local language. You are bound to meet some nigerians like this when you get to uni & they'll be tripping that you understand your language.
    so no people won't judge you.

    & the marriage thing...sorry to say but that is rubbish, what we'd call a local view by uneducated backward traditionalists.

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