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What do you think about my boyfriend's attitude towards sex?

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Original post by Anonymous
Yeah, he is really respectful outside the bedroom. I asked him to do something kinky the other day and he said he didn't want to hurt me :p: So yeah, I think you're right.

I have been taking time to build the tension. The best time was when I was on top, but teasing a lot until he took matters into his own hands...probably the most enthusiastic I've seen him. And again, probably has something to do with me dominating. As we've been together six months, I am wondering when he'll feel more comfortable...


If that's the type of sex he prefers he's gonna stay like this. I mean some guys just prefer to be dominated by a woman, but that doesn't mean he won't take the initiative more often as time goes by. You say you two have been together for six months, so how soon did you two start having sex if you don't mind me asking?
Reply 41
Original post by Ice Constricter
If that's the type of sex he prefers he's gonna stay like this. I mean some guys just prefer to be dominated by a woman, but that doesn't mean he won't take the initiative more often as time goes by. You say you two have been together for six months, so how soon did you two start having sex if you don't mind me asking?


Yeah. Well since I started asking him to dominate, he's been taking charge a lot more - doesn't mean he's comfortable with it though. I could ask him what he prefers, but as I pretty much already know the answer I don't know what good that would do...

I'd say around 2 months in. Why do you ask?
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah. Well since I started asking him to dominate, he's been taking charge a lot more - doesn't mean he's comfortable with it though. I could ask him what he prefers, but as I pretty much already know the answer I don't know what good that would do...

I'd say around 2 months in. Why do you ask?


I asked because the longer he's had an active sex life, the more likely it is that he has a set style. And 4 months seems like a lot of time to develop one so I'd say he prefers to be dominated.
Reply 43
Original post by mikeyd85
1) Both of you get drunk - not hammered, just drunk enough so that he's feeling it but can still stand to attention :wink:

2) You put on something really sexy. Corset, short skirt, suspenders, the works - if you can find out what he likes subtly and sort that out, you'll be on to a winner.

3) put on a show for him - don't touch him though. Strip, masterbate, play with toys, anything. Tell him if he wants it, he has to come get it - almost provoke him

Drunk + horny + provoked = Monster. It's true for any guy.

Granted, this ain't a long term solution - but it might well get things moving down the path you're wanting to tread.


Original post by Anonymous
Yeah, he is really respectful outside the bedroom. I asked him to do something kinky the other day and he said he didn't want to hurt me :p: So yeah, I think you're right.

I have been taking time to build the tension. The best time was when I was on top, but teasing a lot until he took matters into his own hands...probably the most enthusiastic I've seen him. And again, probably has something to do with me dominating. As we've been together six months, I am wondering when he'll feel more comfortable...


Original post by Ice Constricter
I asked because the longer he's had an active sex life, the more likely it is that he has a set style. And 4 months seems like a lot of time to develop one so I'd say he prefers to be dominated.


Update: I talked to him about how I was feeling. We'd had sex earlier and again there didn't seem to be much enthusiasm (despite me dominating this time). I just felt that that passion was missing, and felt upset about it.

So he got defensive initially...I said that while it was nice that he just wanted to make me happy/didn't mind about positions it can come across as not being bothered, even if this isn't what he means. Also, I said that he must have likes/fantasies and that its just as important that he's fulfilled too! And that's what makes me happy.

He said that he didn't mind because he doesn't have a favourite position - and made some sarcastic comment like 'what do you want me to do, bring out the karma sutra and work my way through every position?' - which made me feel more miserable to be honest. I just want him to be more open. To be honest, I'm feeling a lot stronger for him than I have with my last ex, so it's making me want to try things with him more. I also asked him if there's anything he'd like me to do more of/try in bed and there was nothing. :confused: Do you not think this strange? He told me he's happy with our sex life, but the lacklustre approach makes it hard to believe?

Ice Constricter: I asked if he prefers me to dominate him/does he feel uncomfortable about dominating me in any way, and he said 'not at all!' when I can definitely feel nerves. Don't get it.

Upshot: Int he end he said he'll be more decisive about picking positions in the future, and that he could see how he But it makes me sad...I think he feels like I'm trying to turn him into this perfect sexbot, as opposed to having that natural compatibility with eachother. :frown:
Reply 44
*and that he could see how it would come across
this guy values you. he shows you a respect that goes beyond whether your a man or a woman. and as a man when you find someone you show more respect to than other guy friends/family to have been in your life, thats something special. your sex life can get better. it can. are you ever gonna have a relationship like this. no. ever person is different. don't mind **** your self thinking to deep into everything.

most importantly of all, don't look to students about relationship advice.
Reply 46
Original post by consumed by stuff
this guy values you. he shows you a respect that goes beyond whether your a man or a woman. and as a man when you find someone you show more respect to than other guy friends/family to have been in your life, thats something special. your sex life can get better. it can. are you ever gonna have a relationship like this. no. ever person is different. don't mind **** your self thinking to deep into everything.

most importantly of all, don't look to students about relationship advice.


How can I stop driving myself mad with this? I need advice on how to go with the flow in this relationship, because I'm finding it really difficult.

I don't want to mess this up but I can't stop thinking about the future and how things might not work out based on little things I see just now.
Original post by Anonymous
How can I stop driving myself mad with this? I need advice on how to go with the flow in this relationship, because I'm finding it really difficult.

I don't want to mess this up but I can't stop thinking about the future and how things might not work out based on little things I see just now.


Simply put, you can't mold someone into something they are not. You can get them to pretend to be something else, but then you get the reactions that you're getting. From what I can tell, you're quite possibly asking him to do something quite far out of his comfort zone. I spent a while in a similar situation to your boyfriend, and it's surprising how uncomfortable sex and talking about sex can be if you're naturally shy about it.

You can't get advice from people on the internet, you both need to work this out yourselves. My suggestion would be sitting him down and asking him what he likes. If you can do this when you've both had a bit to drink, even better (it makes it easier to talk about such things). Don't make it purely about sex, but about the relationship as a whole; ask him what he likes sexually, romantically or even platonically in your relationship. Don't make it a quiz either; for everything he says, tell him something you like. If you don't get much in the way of sexual ideas from him, then perhaps talking to him about it through emails or Facebook is easier; I personally found it easier to tell my girlfriend things when she wasn't physically with me.

Once you've got lists of what you like, start with the things that you both like and let him build up his confidence with those. Eventually you can introduce new ideas; just don't expect him to immediately be interested or excited. It's quite possible that he'll always be less dominant than you, but a relationship is all about dealing with these issues and looking past them at what you actually both like.

Most importantly, stop reading so far into what he says. If you're confused about what something meant, ask him instead of immediately getting offended; you might be surprised at the answer. The main problem I'm seeing is a lack of real conversation, because there are assumptions being made on both sides that don't relate to the reality of the situation.
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
He is sweet. He's lovely...but he respects me so much that I start to wonder if he can ever see me in that sexual way I need him to see me when are intimate like that.


Yes, of course. You want him to want you.

You sound like lots of girls I've talked with, including my mistresses. This was always the problem with the steady-eddy guys. Too emotionally invested, too much into the princess deal to want to show more elemental lust.

But let's be fair. Being a man isn't quite so easy. Women do want contradictory things from a man... to the extreme of princess treatment outside the bedroom, or at least large emotional investment, and at the same time, they want to be used as sex toys because it's so primitively satisfying.

The problem is, these traits don't often come in the same guy. And when a girl hopes or demands that they do, for instance by exerting her notorious pshychological coercions to make him "change" accordingly, the results are disastrous. It erodes his being, encourages him to try to manage himself, become someone he's not. he can't manage and loses even the stronger, attractive aspects of his previous personality.

Either way - trying to force the steady eddy guy to become a dominant master in the bedroom, or attempting to change a dominant master like me to function more like the emotionally-supportive steady-eddy emotional punching-bag type... it doesn't work.
I kind of see where you're coming from. It's interesting because society is always making out that guys are obsessed with sex and have to be the instigators. But bless, he was a virgin before you, and with this lack of experience he has probably had a long time of not viewing women as prey, but instead viewing them from a less sexually-charged standpoint.

My boyfriend was very inexperienced compared to me when we started going out. It's taken him a few months but now he LOVES sex, but I can tell he's still a bit self-conscious, goes for the more 'tried-and-tested' moves and really enjoys me taking control instead. Less pressure on him. But he is absolutely adorable at all times and I enjoy exploring the bounds of his sexuality with him. Maybe it's time you started seeing the positives in helping him learn :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
How can I stop driving myself mad with this? I need advice on how to go with the flow in this relationship, because I'm finding it really difficult.

I don't want to mess this up but I can't stop thinking about the future and how things might not work out based on little things I see just now.


self control and self confidence.
Reply 51
Original post by SithDoughnut
Simply put, you can't mold someone into something they are not. You can get them to pretend to be something else, but then you get the reactions that you're getting. From what I can tell, you're quite possibly asking him to do something quite far out of his comfort zone. I spent a while in a similar situation to your boyfriend, and it's surprising how uncomfortable sex and talking about sex can be if you're naturally shy about it.

You can't get advice from people on the internet, you both need to work this out yourselves. My suggestion would be sitting him down and asking him what he likes. If you can do this when you've both had a bit to drink, even better (it makes it easier to talk about such things). Don't make it purely about sex, but about the relationship as a whole; ask him what he likes sexually, romantically or even platonically in your relationship. Don't make it a quiz either; for everything he says, tell him something you like. If you don't get much in the way of sexual ideas from him, then perhaps talking to him about it through emails or Facebook is easier; I personally found it easier to tell my girlfriend things when she wasn't physically with me.

Once you've got lists of what you like, start with the things that you both like and let him build up his confidence with those. Eventually you can introduce new ideas; just don't expect him to immediately be interested or excited. It's quite possible that he'll always be less dominant than you, but a relationship is all about dealing with these issues and looking past them at what you actually both like.

Most importantly, stop reading so far into what he says. If you're confused about what something meant, ask him instead of immediately getting offended; you might be surprised at the answer. The main problem I'm seeing is a lack of real conversation, because there are assumptions being made on both sides that don't relate to the reality of the situation.


First bold bit: Obviously I asked him if there was anything that he would like me to do or try...there was a long pause, and he eventually said no. I find this hard to believe, non? If I've asked him and he's replied, how can I bring this up again (or in a different way) without looking like I'm prodding?

Second bit in bold: He did say it seemed like we were quizzing eachother rather than having an open chat. He said he's not shy about discussing sex, but honestly I feel very awkward about raising the issue with him. He says one thing, then gives off contrasting vibes.

Lastly, I know that you're right about needing to stop reading into what he says. That, in itself, is really bugging him because he's starting to think that he can't say anything without me finding some reading of it (during sex that is, because I'm a bit hyper-sensitive about things at the moment).

Yeah. I've been wanting to try something new, but maybe I should just let him get more confidence generally for a while?
Reply 52
Interrogate him after sex if you must question him at all! He's at his most chilled then, and on his back so he can't run away.
Reply 53
Original post by masterfulprof
Yes, of course. You want him to want you.

You sound like lots of girls I've talked with, including my mistresses. This was always the problem with the steady-eddy guys. Too emotionally invested, too much into the princess deal to want to show more elemental lust.

But let's be fair. Being a man isn't quite so easy. Women do want contradictory things from a man... to the extreme of princess treatment outside the bedroom, or at least large emotional investment, and at the same time, they want to be used as sex toys because it's so primitively satisfying.

The problem is, these traits don't often come in the same guy. And when a girl hopes or demands that they do, for instance by exerting her notorious pshychological coercions to make him "change" accordingly, the results are disastrous. It erodes his being, encourages him to try to manage himself, become someone he's not. he can't manage and loses even the stronger, attractive aspects of his previous personality.

Either way - trying to force the steady eddy guy to become a dominant master in the bedroom, or attempting to change a dominant master like me to function more like the emotionally-supportive steady-eddy emotional punching-bag type... it doesn't work.


I completely agree. And I think it would be very, very difficult to someone as amazing/as emotionally invested as he is in all other aspects of the relationship.

I think I was spoiled in my first sexual relationship. I'd say we were on equal footing, and both as experimental as the other...but I haven't had that again since.

Do you have any suggestions? Be patient and let him build up confidence as he is?
Reply 54
Original post by pikaboo
Interrogate him after sex if you must question him at all! He's at his most chilled then, and on his back so he can't run away.


This is exactly what I did...and he was so annoyed! He got really worked up and took ages to calm down, saying that I should have chosen a better time...
Reply 55
Original post by Anonymous
This is exactly what I did...and he was so annoyed! He got really worked up and took ages to calm down, saying that I should have chosen a better time...


Maybe he lacks self-confidence in his own performance? He's inexperienced so he probably thinks he's rubbish.
Reply 56
Original post by pikaboo
Maybe he lacks self-confidence in his own performance? He's inexperienced so he probably thinks he's rubbish.


Probably right. My response should say it all though. :wink:

Why do you think this would be linked to raising the issue after sex though? Just the defensiveness?
Reply 57
Original post by Anonymous
Probably right. My response should say it all though. :wink:

Why do you think this would be linked to raising the issue after sex though? Just the defensiveness?


Yeah, I think any comment might be miscontrued as an attempt to try and improve him. Maybe try and ease the pressure off talking about it until he's a few months more confident...these things take time :smile:
Reply 58
Original post by pikaboo
Yeah, I think any comment might be miscontrued as an attempt to try and improve him. Maybe try and ease the pressure off talking about it until he's a few months more confident...these things take time :smile:


I think is what happened initially. After getting a bit flustered said he wasn't ever going to be the perfect guy, but then, after calming down, sounded genuine in saying that he had taken on board what I'd said and would be more decisive in trying out positions etc.

The only thing I worry about links back to what masterfulprof said, because I don't want him to do these things and later resent me for it (you know, doing it to make me happy, but within himself not really wanting to).

I do need to be more patient...I think in general I've been letting the little things get to me, and sometimes TSR is actually good for getting some perspective.
Original post by Anonymous
I completely agree. And I think it would be very, very difficult to someone as amazing/as emotionally invested as he is in all other aspects of the relationship.

I think I was spoiled in my first sexual relationship. I'd say we were on equal footing, and both as experimental as the other...but I haven't had that again since.

Do you have any suggestions? Be patient and let him build up confidence as he is?


Anon, look, the others are well-meaning but they truly don't understand.

And look what happens when you listen to them e.g. when they sugest you interrogate him directly after sex! :mad: What a nightmare! If you value any of this DO NOT make demands and interrogate after sex. That's a sacred time.

Overall, the prognosis is not hopeful in the ways that you want it to be.

Simply asking him to "switch on" and try initiating etc. just doesn't do it. They're not his core values and will make sex seem an imposition to him. Increasingly, over time, this will cause friction and even when he does it, it will not be convincing.

A nondominant, inexperienced male "trying" to dominate is, quite frankly worse than useless. It provokes laughter and frustration that totally contradict the whole point of being dominated - which is, to feel totally and elementally a woman, in ways that don't need to be explained but are monumentally gratifying. You know this. So do I. He doesn't. And won't.

He offers other things. You're going to have to weight this carefully but don't expect to compel him to change and still maintain your current respect for him.

Newsflash: changing is a damned if you do procedure for men. Girls lose respect for men who can be manipulated in this way, even though they test them all the time. It's their tacit way of determining his psychological independence, and thus manliness.

This dilemma isn't as usual. My mistresses often got bored with their steady-eddy types because as their first flush of excitement of simply being in the relationship began to wane, the need for sexual stimulation increases. It becomes more, not less, important. If you aren't getting what you need, there
is no way you'll survive the challenges/rocky times to come.

Bad influence though I am, no girl wants to end her mistress relationship with me. We're all human. Girls are just as into this as boys.

When I get my need, I seek a cute new mistress and get my fix. So does she.

So, you could try to accept taking more of a dominant role - that will turn him on for sure. It's fun for a change but it gets quite fatiguing if you're more submissive inclined. Which many intelligent and accomplished females are. But no such female can submit to a milquetoast guy. Or a doofus - remember the soliloquy.

Or, keep it with him but hook up with a genuinely dominant older guy and taste the real deal. You may love it. Or it may be too much for you. You will never be at peace until you find out. Visualize being older and attached to this guy and still wondering...and knowing... that you will never know. That's worse than the other options.

Carpe diem.
(edited 12 years ago)

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