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How do i make friends with my flatmates?

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Applying to Uni? Let Universities come to you. Click here to get your perfect place 20-10-2014
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    I'm half way through the first year at uni, and I'm a little stuck.

    I'm living in halls in a flat block of around ten people or so. Most of them get on well, but I find it difficult to integrate myself with them. Gets very lonely, and I feel left out. Really making me unhappy.

    I'm not very confident in these sort of situations, sitting down in a kitchen at talking. It's horrible for me, my throat closes up, my mind blanks I find it difficult to talk. I dunno how to get over it, I keep trying again and again, but I don't come over naturally. Really eats me up, get very frustrated with myself.

    I've joined lots of clubs at uni, and I'm able to talk a bit more freely and have a better relationship with them. But I don't see them all the time, we meet up maybe once a week, twice a week. Mainly people spend time and get on with their flatmates, which I struggle to do. I'm more comfortable talking on an individual basis, I can pick up the courage, try and forge some sort of conversation out. Can't do that as easily with a group. I try and talk to them individually sometimes but they're often always in a group sitting around a table.

    I've invited them to come with me to some clubs or activities, or play some sport together but they've not really accepted that. Most of the time they spend their time socialising. I keep myself busy to some extent with clubs and stuff but it's not really a proper replacement for socialising or becoming good friends with them.

    They don't really tend to invite me to stuff, sometimes I ask to come along. I really wish I could just sit down and talk normally to people. I've been told by the uni counsellors I might have social anxiety disorder, I dunno, but I try my best to try and keep and try to initiate conversations with people try to get over it. I've joined a lot of clubs, people said volunteer work might help so I've done that. But it doesn't seem to get better. I've got a little sick of trying with them, I try and talk to them but I come out a mess, I feel crap after I've tried and don't make any headway getting close to them. It's been the same at school too.

    Anyone know what I can do?
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    Maybe just speak with honesty when you see them. Say with calm (not too audible breaths or it'll be Chocolate Rain all over again) breaths that you want to get to know each other better than attempts in the past and if you go to some of their hangouts/nights outs, possibly they'll join you in your pursuits next time and if not, not to worry, just get on enjoying socialising in your societies and hang out with those people. Tbh I've made the best friends from my student radio station.

    Keep us posted chief!
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    Just talk to them.

    Don't think about it.

    When you see them just go and say hi, ask how there day was.

    If you know they support a particular football team ask them about that.

    But don't think about it. Hesitation is a killer, it makes you think about things too long, and then you get scared and back out.
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    (Original post by Mirey)
    Just talk to them.

    Don't think about it.

    When you see them just go and say hi, ask how there day was.

    If you know they support a particular football team ask them about that.

    But don't think about it. Hesitation is a killer, it makes you think about things too long, and then you get scared and back out.
    I do all those things (well not the football, I don't support a football team. Talk about cricket or tennis if they're interested in that though).

    I admit I do hesitate sometimes, but I generally try and stick with it and get the stuff out. I'm trying to work on it, I try and spring up conversations with people, and get over it. Perhaps as someone said, maybe deep breathing might work a bit better. My throat often seems to block up just when I begin to talk so it's difficult to naturally talk.
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    (Original post by WarriorInAWig)
    Maybe just speak with honesty when you see them. Say with calm (not too audible breaths or it'll be Chocolate Rain all over again) breaths that you want to get to know each other better than attempts in the past and if you go to some of their hangouts/nights outs, possibly they'll join you in your pursuits next time and if not, not to worry, just get on enjoying socialising in your societies and hang out with those people. Tbh I've made the best friends from my student radio station.

    Keep us posted chief!
    Yeah deep breathing might work a bit. My throat gets clogged up when I try and talk sometimes (it's really annoying), and that makes it very difficult to talk naturally.

    I'm not being ungrateful about the people I hang out at the societies I really do enjoy their company, but I'd like to take it a little further, make some actual proper friends.

    Part of me feels I've messed it up. I do try and talk to them but it's not natural, it's awkward and difficult, but now I think it's changed things. They don't make much effort to talk to me, and on their part I think they find it awkward talking to me (as they'll get an awkward, perhaps slightly hesitant and disjointed response). I dunno how to change that sort of relationship, I want to appear confident but every time I just feel really socially inept and awkward around them.

    Thanks for replying.
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    bump
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    Surprise them by ironing their socks, their gratification will be endless.
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    To me it seems like you've done everything you can, you've tried to get involved with them and everything so maybe it's just that your personalities don't mesh particularly well? It's sad if you get a bit lonely but it could be worse, as long as you're all civil and don't actively hate each other than that's the main thing, you don't HAVE to be best friends with them. I'm best friends with one person in my flat but don't socialise outside the flat with the others other than when it's one of their birthdays or something, cause whilst we get along perfectly fine we just don't really gel with one another. But it's fine because I have loads of friends on my course and get along really well with some of the other flats in my building. You said you have friends from societies so it's not like you're alone, I'd concentrate on keeping up with and strengthening those friendships since their the one's you've kind of made freely if that makes sense? Like ultimately who you end up living with is a complete lottery, whereas friends from your course, societies etc you probably have more in common with as you weren't forced into each others company, your friends because you want to be.

    Sorry this is incredibly long and rambly haha, basically what I'm trying to say is try not to let it get you down too much (although I know it's easier said than done) because the main thing is you DO have friends and people you can socialise with, you just don't happen to live with them, and that's not going to matter in a few months anyway when you'll move out of halls In the mean time obviously keep friendly with your flat, like whilst you're eating dinner and things, and obviously if they invite you out and you want to go then do so, but you shouldn't feel so pressured and like you HAVE to be bffs or anything.

    I'm aware I haven't actually offered much actual advice haha so sorry about that, but I hoped I've helped you feel a little better about the situation Even if it's just in making you realise you're not alone in not being great friends with your flat!
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    (Original post by Strawberry_Laces)
    To me it seems like you've done everything you can, you've tried to get involved with them and everything so maybe it's just that your personalities don't mesh particularly well? It's sad if you get a bit lonely but it could be worse, as long as you're all civil and don't actively hate each other than that's the main thing, you don't HAVE to be best friends with them. I'm best friends with one person in my flat but don't socialise outside the flat with the others other than when it's one of their birthdays or something, cause whilst we get along perfectly fine we just don't really gel with one another. But it's fine because I have loads of friends on my course and get along really well with some of the other flats in my building. You said you have friends from societies so it's not like you're alone, I'd concentrate on keeping up with and strengthening those friendships since their the one's you've kind of made freely if that makes sense? Like ultimately who you end up living with is a complete lottery, whereas friends from your course, societies etc you probably have more in common with as you weren't forced into each others company, your friends because you want to be.

    Sorry this is incredibly long and rambly haha, basically what I'm trying to say is try not to let it get you down too much (although I know it's easier said than done) because the main thing is you DO have friends and people you can socialise with, you just don't happen to live with them, and that's not going to matter in a few months anyway when you'll move out of halls In the mean time obviously keep friendly with your flat, like whilst you're eating dinner and things, and obviously if they invite you out and you want to go then do so, but you shouldn't feel so pressured and like you HAVE to be bffs or anything.

    I'm aware I haven't actually offered much actual advice haha so sorry about that, but I hoped I've helped you feel a little better about the situation Even if it's just in making you realise you're not alone in not being great friends with your flat!
    I'm tired of just being civil with them. I think there's something wrong with me, throughout my life I haven't really had any friends. Even the guys in the societies, I haven't been able to successfully get really close to them, but I do find them easier to talk to and enjoy being in their presence.

    The guys in my flat whether I have shared interests or not, are the best hope. I see them everyday, we live together, generally people get along with their flatmates well. It feels like a waste just giving up (which is what I feel like I'm doing these days), and throwing away the biggest opportunity I have. Even if I make friends with them the last week of term I'd be happier with myself, I just feel like a failure in that respect I had the whole year to make them some sort of friends and I can't even hold a proper conversation with them.

    I have the same problem with my course mates unfortunately too. Guys I also see pretty much every day.

    Thanks for the reply, reading it made me feel a little better. I know I shouldn't worry about it as much, after all I do have people I can at least talk to, engage in some sort of activities in, but it kind of gets to me.
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    Ceaseless practical jokes. Cling-film on the toilet, salt in the sugar etc, they'll get the message that it is either be friends or else.
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    (Original post by A.galloway)
    Ceaseless practical jokes. Cling-film on the toilet, salt in the sugar etc, they'll get the message that it is either be friends or else.
    better to be feared than loved, eh?
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    (Original post by ZaktheTurtle)
    I'm tired of just being civil with them. I think there's something wrong with me, throughout my life I haven't really had any friends. Even the guys in the societies, I haven't been able to successfully get really close to them, but I do find them easier to talk to and enjoy being in their presence.
    I completely understand how it feels! When I first went to the uni, I had exactly the same problem. I also thought that something must have been wrong with me as making friends has always been challenge to me. It is quite possible that you have social anxiety (as a matter of fact, I have also been diagnosed with that, and your behavior (based on your description) is very similar to my behavior). So, my point is that, statistically speaking, there are also other people just like you & me, who face exactly the same challenges and some of them must be somewhere around your university. Have you ever thought that some of all these 'unknown faces' you come across every day while heading to your department face the same problem as you do? U just don't know who they are! Anw, it's good that you are still trying really hard to make friends with your flatmates, but if after all these efforts they don't respond your "friend request", then you'd better look somewhere else. Next year, you'll be moving out of the campus and you have to start considering who your future flatmates will be! So, it's worth asking yourself, based on the 'evidence' you have so far regarding your current flatmates: "Are there any chances that any of these people will want to share a flat with me next year?'', "What are the chances that they are gonna choose someone else over me?" Maybe, people who are like you may be more suitable flatmates during Year 2. Why don't you try to make use of your university's councelling & student support services? Discuss your concerns/challenges with a councellor. That may relieve you! Also, ask him whether there are other students who face similar challenges. He may be able to introduce you some of these students (or give you some sound advice on how to deal with your current flatmates). You never know! Have a go at it! Besides, university councelling is free!
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    (Original post by jimmyhe07)
    I completely understand how it feels! When I first went to the uni, I had exactly the same problem. I also thought that something must have been wrong with me as making friends has always been challenge to me. It is quite possible that you have social anxiety (as a matter of fact, I have also been diagnosed with that, and your behavior (based on your description) is very similar to my behavior). So, my point is that, statistically speaking, there are also other people just like you & me, who face exactly the same challenges and some of them must be somewhere around your university. Have you ever thought that some of all these 'unknown faces' you come across every day while heading to your department face the same problem as you do? U just don't know who they are! Anw, it's good that you are still trying really hard to make friends with your flatmates, but if after all these efforts they don't respond your "friend request", then you'd better look somewhere else. Next year, you'll be moving out of the campus and you have to start considering who your future flatmates will be! So, it's worth asking yourself, based on the 'evidence' you have so far regarding your current flatmates: "Are there any chances that any of these people will want to share a flat with me next year?'', "What are the chances that they are gonna choose someone else over me?" Maybe, people who are like you may be more suitable flatmates during Year 2. Why don't you try to make use of your university's councelling & student support services? Discuss your concerns/challenges with a councellor. That may relieve you! Also, ask him whether there are other students who face similar challenges. He may be able to introduce you some of these students (or give you some sound advice on how to deal with your current flatmates). You never know! Have a go at it! Besides, university councelling is free!
    Thanks for the response.

    Perhaps you're right. I've gone to the uni counsellors actually, they just haven't been of much help. Nice to get a response from someone who's gone through similar sort of things, much appreciate it.
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    Maybe you should join some clubs.
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    (Original post by BigMoz93)
    Maybe you should join some clubs.
    The advice I'm given all the time, thing is I already do this.
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    (Original post by ZaktheTurtle)
    I'm half way through the first year at uni, and I'm a little stuck.

    I'm living in halls in a flat block of around ten people or so. Most of them get on well, but I find it difficult to integrate myself with them. Gets very lonely, and I feel left out. Really making me unhappy.

    I'm not very confident in these sort of situations, sitting down in a kitchen at talking. It's horrible for me, my throat closes up, my mind blanks I find it difficult to talk. I dunno how to get over it, I keep trying again and again, but I don't come over naturally. Really eats me up, get very frustrated with myself.

    I've joined lots of clubs at uni, and I'm able to talk a bit more freely and have a better relationship with them. But I don't see them all the time, we meet up maybe once a week, twice a week. Mainly people spend time and get on with their flatmates, which I struggle to do. I'm more comfortable talking on an individual basis, I can pick up the courage, try and forge some sort of conversation out. Can't do that as easily with a group. I try and talk to them individually sometimes but they're often always in a group sitting around a table.

    I've invited them to come with me to some clubs or activities, or play some sport together but they've not really accepted that. Most of the time they spend their time socialising. I keep myself busy to some extent with clubs and stuff but it's not really a proper replacement for socialising or becoming good friends with them.

    They don't really tend to invite me to stuff, sometimes I ask to come along. I really wish I could just sit down and talk normally to people. I've been told by the uni counsellors I might have social anxiety disorder, I dunno, but I try my best to try and keep and try to initiate conversations with people try to get over it. I've joined a lot of clubs, people said volunteer work might help so I've done that. But it doesn't seem to get better. I've got a little sick of trying with them, I try and talk to them but I come out a mess, I feel crap after I've tried and don't make any headway getting close to them. It's been the same at school too.

    Anyone know what I can do?
    Social anxiety disorder sounds a bit extreme!

    A lot of people are like this in first year, my flatmates were like that and never invited me out with them and I didn't feel I could sit with them chatting etc. But they were two boys (the girl only existed in her room) and I think that's why.

    It will be hard at first but try sitting in the living area watching TV or something and people will be in and out and you can make conversation with them and offer them a drink or if you are making a cup of tea, and hopefully a friendship will develop from that

    You could also invite your friends from society/sports club around for pre-drinks and get them in the living area and then maybe your flat mates will join in.

    Good luck.
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    (Original post by BabyGirl92)
    Social anxiety disorder sounds a bit extreme!

    A lot of people are like this in first year, my flatmates were like that and never invited me out with them and I didn't feel I could sit with them chatting etc. But they were two boys (the girl only existed in her room) and I think that's why.

    It will be hard at first but try sitting in the living area watching TV or something and people will be in and out and you can make conversation with them and offer them a drink or if you are making a cup of tea, and hopefully a friendship will develop from that

    You could also invite your friends from society/sports club around for pre-drinks and get them in the living area and then maybe your flat mates will join in.

    Good luck.
    Hopefully it'll get better next year.

    No living room just a kitchen unfortunately.

    Don't really get invited much by my flat mates or get along with them, so I don't know how to invite people from societies, for pre drinks. Plus people usually hang out with their flat mates. I've invited them sometimes for a drink at the union bar after sport, and that's been fun sometimes. I've done that with my tutorial groups a bit too.
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    (Original post by ZaktheTurtle)
    Hopefully it'll get better next year.

    No living room just a kitchen unfortunately.

    Don't really get invited much by my flat mates or get along with them, so I don't know how to invite people from societies, for pre drinks. Plus people usually hang out with their flat mates. I've invited them sometimes for a drink at the union bar after sport, and that's been fun sometimes. I've done that with my tutorial groups a bit too.
    Maybe you could try being more emotive physically. That might make people warm up to you more.

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