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Did I get raped?

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    So last night I was really, really drunk and I did a really stupid thing and went back to this guy's house who I'd met in a club.
    We were having sex and everything, it was fine but then it kind of started to get weird. It seemed more and more like it wasn't me doing anything but he was just carrying on and didn't seem to stop. He also turned me over and started doing me up the ass. I don't know how clear I was at that point that I wanted to stop, I said it, but I don't know if he was really paying attention.
    He did stop 2 or 3 times and was just walking around and I would be saying right, we're not doing it again but then he did anyway. And when he was doing it at one point, I tried to leave, and he got really angry, and was shouting the house down. At this point his housemate who's a girl walked in and was telling me to shut up.
    After a while he started acting like he was gonna let me go, but he lied for ages about my phone being in his housemate's room when I couldn't find it. Eventually though he gave it back to me.

    I know I shouldn't have gone back in the first place and it was a stupid thing to do, but I don't really know what to do now. I feel so disgusted at myself, I don't know who I should really talk to about it and I don't really know if you can call it rape when I did agree to have sex with him at first and went back to his house knowing that it was to have sex with him.

    Can someone help me?
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    Unfortunately, you did get raped, you should make this a police matter.
    • 12 followers
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    From what you've said, that sounds like rape - you asked him to stop and he didn't and then he hid your phone.

    Unfortunately, I don't think it's likely you will be able to do anything (unless you can get evidence from his housemate), but you should try to speak to someone in confidence - there should be people at your university and they will be able to advise you better. :hugs:
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    wooow, that is some dilemma! yeah you did get raped- im sorry to hear about it, i would stop getting in contact with that person and try as hard as possible to forget about it! :/ take a holiday with some friends, somewhere relaxing?
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Octohedral)
    From what you've said, that sounds like rape - you asked him to stop and he didn't and then he hid your phone.

    Unfortunately, I don't think it's likely you will be able to do anything (unless you can get evidence from his housemate), but it may not be a bad idea to speak to someone in confidence - there should be people at your university and they will be able to advise you better. :hugs:
    This is the thing, she didn't do anything to me but she knew what was going on and she was angry at me for complaining about it, it was really weird, almost as if they had some kind of understanding or something. But it's kind of hard to know when I was so drunk and out of it. Little things keep coming back to me though like the thing about my phone, I only remembered as I was writing this thread
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I forgot to add this but just to make clear I don't know this guy, I can't even remember his name and I have no idea where the house was as I was drunk when we arrived, and when I left I got lost and just wandered to a main road and got a taxi.. so it's not like this is a mate or someone who other people know who he is.
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    Oh my, I'm so sorry:.This should serve as an example to all girls considering having a one night stand. Definitely opened my eyes....
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    To conclude, consuming that much alcohol is a bad choice.
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    That's definitely rape, yes: he should have stopped the moment you asked him to stop. The fact that he then went on to force you to have anal sex, as well as ignoring your asking him to stop, makes him a rapist. I'm sorry you had to go through something so awful. Even though you were drunk and it was consensual at first, it became rape the minute he ignored your requests to stop.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He also turned me over and started doing me up the ass...

    I wanted to stop, I said it, but I don't know if he was really paying attention...

    He did stop 2 or 3 times I would be saying right, we're not doing it again but then he did anyway...

    he was doing it at one point, I tried to leave, and he got really angry, and was shouting the house down...
    Sounds pretty rapey to me.

    It matters not that you initially consented and then wanted to stop.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    ...
    I think you're going to find it difficult to prove rape. I once saw a movie about a rape trial, where the facts were very similar to this. The man was found not guilty. The problem is that once you initiated sex and you were in a drunken state, it is difficult for you to prove that you revoked your consent.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    .
    I agree with what people have said- you asked him to stop, he heard you and didn't so that meets the definition.

    You certainly shouldn't feel guilty for what happened. Many people have one night stands... although there are obviously safety issues, like what happened to you, especially when alcohol is involved, but you can't beat yourself up about it. And as for what this guy did, that is all his fault, none of yours.

    My best advice is to talk to people... don't bottle it up, speak to friends, or your uni or doctor for help. If you decide you want to then also report it to the police- it's a hard decision, so don't be afraid to ask for help on that too.

    Also, just as a side point, make sure you're safe in terms of STIs and pregnancy. You can go to your local GUM clinic to get checked out for most STIs for free.


    Hope you feel better about this soon, and talk to someone who can help,

    xxx
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    And, yeah, not to sound like a prat but maybe next time, don't get as drunk...You should definitely speak to someone in confidence about it if it's really playing on your mind - and I suppose it should, you were raped, after all - and see if that helps matters. I hope you don't blame yourself for what happened - he showed his true colours as a real ******* the minute he ignored your request for him to stop.
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    'kpwxx' gives excellent advice regarding getting yourself checked: ensuring you're healthy should be your first priority, and that of course includes physical health as well as psychological.
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    You probably got raped, technically. However, based on your circumstances (and your level of intoxication) it would be extremely difficult to prove. As hard as it is to hear, learn your lesson and move on. Get counselling and talk to a professional if needed.
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    OP, so sorry to hear that this happened to you.

    As things stand you can contact the police and get them to bring the bloke who did this to trial. Or let it go and know what to look out for next time.

    Also, without sounding preachy, try not to get too drunk on a night out. If you end up going home with a guy for a one-night stand, make sure you are in control of the situation and that he stops when you tell him to; you're not in control at all when you're trolleyed, especially if he isn't drunk.

    Again, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.
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    yep. if as described you got raped. but if you really you don't know his name or where he lives there's not much you can do about it except what others have said and make sure he didn't give you something. and maybe learn not to go home with randoms.
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    very unfortunate but I have to disagree with a few here. It sounds like a very fuzzy line and I think this is always the case with alcohol involved. Of course if you said stop, at any point he should have, but you said you're not sure if he was paying attention. Are you sure he even heard you say stop? he may not have known you wanted it too stop.

    You can't remember the guy's name/face, how you got where you were or most of the night, how are you to know if this guy heard you saying you didn't want it to carry on. I think if you know in your own mind that it was rape you should definitely report him, but you should be very clear about what happened, and how many times you said stop..only you know the situation, but from what you have written it sounds like you agreed to have sex with a stranger then changed your mind and possibly communicated this, but not sure he was paying attention. It is a serious allegation
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    This sounds like a rape, and you should report it. That being said though, it is incredibly difficult to prove rape cases with 'facts' such as those at hand. Rape trials are very stressful and you can expect the opposing barrister to be absolutely merciless if this goes to trial, and I say this as someone who wants to go into criminal defence; so think about that if you already feel terrible now.

    It is arguably a rape though; and there are witnesses (the flatmates), so you might have a chance.
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    Oh gosh, he sounds like an absolute idiot, and yes you were raped if he did recognise your pleads to stop. I concur with previous responses - get yourself checked, in terms of pregnancy tests, STIs, etc. and have counselling. Obviously you should not have allowed yourself to get into such a state, though people who take advantage in such a way are disgusting.

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Updated: March 8, 2012
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