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Do I have a moral responsibility to not sleep with guys who are taken?

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    (Original post by ratherchloe)
    Have you never heard of monogamy?
    I've heard about it and I was hoping someone who is pro-monogamy would calmly explain why they feel the way they do. You know, without insulting me and talking about slamming my head into a brick wall.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've heard about it and I was hoping someone who is pro-monogamy would calmly explain why they feel the way they do. You know, without insulting me and talking about slamming my head into a brick wall.
    Just put yourself in her position. she probably already knows what hes doing, do you really think anyone can hide something like this in a marriage? Shes destroying herself trying to find out why she isn't good enough. she'll be driving herself insane looking at every woman on the street and comparing herself to them.

    She's given up her life, her pride, shes bared herself to this man completely, he knows her fears, her worries, her dreams. she's given him her all and he's run off with any girl who's willing. Some random girls have stolen the love of her life and it's completely destroying her from the inside out.

    If you want to continue being with him then it means you're okay for someone to do the same to you later in life.

    If you want to continue being with him then you'll have to accept that you mean nothing to him, that whateve he says to you is being repeated to numerous other girls. if you have such low sense of self worth then maybe a cheating scumbag is the most your deserve.
    do you think he'll stick by you when she confront him?no he'll blame you, think he'll continue sleeping with you when his whole life comes falling down? no he'll forever remember you as one of the girls who ruined his life. You're temporary, you're disposable and you wont last long.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've heard about it and I was hoping someone who is pro-monogamy would calmly explain why they feel the way they do. You know, without insulting me and talking about slamming my head into a brick wall.
    You are asking for it, in all honesty.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've heard about it and I was hoping someone who is pro-monogamy would calmly explain why they feel the way they do. You know, without insulting me and talking about slamming my head into a brick wall.
    Who insulted you and wanted to slam your head in a wall?
    Cos I didn't say anything like that.
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    Er, yeah?!

    I hope if any man is ever stupid enough to marry you that he cheats on you to give you a taste of your own medicine, you horrible little person.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've heard about it and I was hoping someone who is pro-monogamy would calmly explain why they feel the way they do. You know, without insulting me and talking about slamming my head into a brick wall.
    You don't need to be pro-monogamy to understand common sense. About the second part, you deserve it.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by abc101)
    Er, yeah?!

    I hope if any man is ever stupid enough to marry you that he cheats on you to give you a taste of your own medicine, you horrible little person.
    I think it's unnecessary and quite immature with the name-calling and insults. You don't know me and this forum is for discussions, not bashing.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by ratherchloe)
    Who insulted you and wanted to slam your head in a wall?
    Cos I didn't say anything like that.
    Lots of people above think it's necessary to sink to that level, unfortunately. I will however not suddenly agree with them and see their point of view with that method of argumentation though, and I'm curious what the point of it is.
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    (Original post by gintoki)
    You don't need to be pro-monogamy to understand common sense. About the second part, you deserve it.
    Then why is it so difficult for people to calmly explain their point of view? I'm open to hear it and listen to their opinions.

    Most of my friends are non-monogamous and I've gotten very used to that way of looking at relationships. I can understand why people want their partners to be honest - that's one thing - but that wasn't what I asked. What I'm wondering is why on a principal level they want relationships to always be monogamous. Because it's "common sense" doesn't suffice as an answer for me.

    As for the second part, I think that all people should be met with some level of dignity and respect. I believe you should be able to discuss anything. I wouldn't insult anyone even though they have different view on the world than me, regardless of how much I dislike their opinion. And I'm not trying to push my agenda on anyone, I just want to discuss the topic and see other peoples perspectives in the matter. I don't see how I deserve to get my head slammed, sorry.

    You don't know me nor do you know the circumstances of my situation.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Then why is it so difficult for people to calmly explain their point of view? I'm open to hear it and listen to their opinions.

    Most of my friends are non-monogamous and I've gotten very used to that way of looking at relationships. I can understand why people want their partners to be honest - that's one thing - but that wasn't what I asked. What I'm wondering is why on a principal level they want relationships to always be monogamous. Because it's "common sense" doesn't suffice as an answer for me.

    As for the second part, I think that all people should be met with some level of dignity and respect. I believe you should be able to discuss anything. I wouldn't insult anyone even though they have different view on the world than me, regardless of how much I dislike their opinion. And I'm not trying to push my agenda on anyone, I just want to discuss the topic and see other peoples perspectives in the matter. I don't see how I deserve to get my head slammed, sorry.

    You don't know me nor do you know the circumstances of my situation.
    There's a difference between open relationships and cheating. Cheating is wrong.


    We're going by what you've said, you came on here and asked a question, we gave you the honest answer. You've been insulted for it because you came across as uncaring as to other peoples feelings.

    If, for example, you got married and your husband had an affair with your best friend, would'nt you be angry with her? but surely it's his responsibility to stay faithful?
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    Actually agree with Anon, its amazing how worked up people are getting about such an issue. If you don't agree with her, then fine. However I'm amazed at the vitrol

    FYI - I HAVE been cheated on myself. Personally, I don't feel anyway towards the guy who my ex cheated with. I don't feel he had MUCH "moral responsibility" not to have cheated. HE did nothing wrong, my GF did.

    If you're single, its up to the person involved in the relationship NOT to engage in a relationship, end of.

    Don't remember OP saying that she wanted a relationship with this guy - He sounds like a sleezeball. However, if she chooses to do something with him, then whatever he does to her is her issue
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Then why is it so difficult for people to calmly explain their point of view? I'm open to hear it and listen to their opinions
    Because...

    You are battling established British cultural ideology. Which is, denounce, mock, insult those who do not follow the mainstream. Those who dare to think critically and ask serious questions do not often receive dignified, thoughtful responses.

    You should come to my university, it's better over the pond. Americans are less judgmental than Brits and readier to listen to viewpoints that disagree with theirs.
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    (Original post by masterfulprof)
    Because...

    You are battling established British cultural ideology. Which is, denounce, mock, insult those who do not follow the mainstream. Those who dare to think critically and ask serious questions do not often receive dignified, thoughtful responses.

    You should come to my university, it's better over the pond. Americans are less judgmental than Brits and readier to listen to viewpoints that disagree with theirs.
    You mean revolutionary viewpoints such as the idea that contraception should be freely available/on insurance?

    Anyway, OP, you may not necessarily deserve the insults you've had, but your attitude to what you are doing certainly isn't going to impress anyone. Non-monogamous/open relationships are fine for some people, provided that everyone involved is open and honest. But if one party thinks they're in a loving monogamous marriage, and their spouse is busy shagging people on the side, it's a huge betrayal of trust and a recipe for heartbreak.

    It's true that the responsibility is primarily his. But you're complicit in this betrayal, and so yes, I think some of the blame does lie with you.
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    I'm seriously confused:

    OP states they've been cheated on before and was understandably upset. They then go and sleep with someone elses husband and sees nothing wrong with it? What's to say that he's not cheating on both of you (you and his wife) with someone else? I would expect that the OP who has been cheated on before, which upset them, to have morals about this.

    He is just as guilty as you. I also get the impression that he doesn't want a relationship with you - he's just after sex with you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Because it's "common sense" doesn't suffice as an answer for me.
    Then I'm sorry but you are either too dumb or too materialistic to understand. Or even both. I'm also not going to repeat what people have already said.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    As for the second part, I think that all people should be met with some level of dignity and respect.
    Yes, when they deserve it.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You don't know me nor do you know the circumstances of my situation.
    I don't need to know you. It's simple, cheating is unacceptable in any circumstance.

    I also want to add something, people normally criticise me here because I want to know a woman's past when I meet one. You're a perfect example to justify myself, I avoid people like you like the plague.
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    (Original post by Helenia)
    You mean revolutionary viewpoints such as the idea that contraception should be freely available/on insurance?

    Anyway, OP, you may not necessarily deserve the insults you've had, but your attitude to what you are doing certainly isn't going to impress anyone. Non-monogamous/open relationships are fine for some people, provided that everyone involved is open and honest. But if one party thinks they're in a loving monogamous marriage, and their spouse is busy shagging people on the side, it's a huge betrayal of trust and a recipe for heartbreak.

    It's true that the responsibility is primarily his. But you're complicit in this betrayal, and so yes, I think some of the blame does lie with you.
    Far from it. I think he's going more along the lines of a 40 year old university professors (such as himself) being free to take advantage of 18 year old students, or rather "college cuties", which he so fondly refers to them as.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    As for the second part, I think that all people should be met with some level of dignity and respect.
    Including this man's wife? Who you clearly have no respect for. If you did, you'd end it now.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Yes, I was cheated on before and I was very hurt. I still didn't think it was the girl's fault even though she knew about me. It was my boyfriend's fault completely. And I still today find it strange that she contacted me and told me about it (they had already ended it by that time, and my boyfriend had gone back to being faithful). It messed up my relationship with my boyfriend - we broke up for a few weeks, and after that I liked him a little bit less. I also had to be bashed by almost everyone I knew because of my choice, and defending why I wanted to stay in a good relationship.

    As for the topic of the thread - it's not a "current" thing, we said good bye three days ago and I don't expect to see him again. He did however track me down on facebook which confuses me, because I can know easily contact his wife if I wish to. If I was married I would probably ask my husband who their new facebook friends are and how he knows them. It would be obvious from my profile (age/ethnicity/profession etc) that I don't know him in a way that could be expected and considered normal (i.e everything about us is quite different).

    Anyway - I don't know why they're married, how long they've been married or if they really are in love. I don't know if I should assume that they got married because they've found the love of their lives, but the thread seems to think that is mandatory to make that assumption of all marriages and treat all married people as such. I simply don't know their circumstances. But he does, so he should be responsible over his choices.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by OU Student)
    I'm seriously confused:

    OP states they've been cheated on before and was understandably upset. They then go and sleep with someone elses husband and sees nothing wrong with it? What's to say that he's not cheating on both of you (you and his wife) with someone else? I would expect that the OP who has been cheated on before, which upset them, to have morals about this.

    He is just as guilty as you. I also get the impression that he doesn't want a relationship with you - he's just after sex with you.
    Why would I have a problem with him sleeping with someone else? I'm clearly not in a monogamous relationship with the guy, since I know there's at least one more. And I don't think it's that interesting to know how he behaves in the company of other people when I'm not around.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Why would I have a problem with him sleeping with someone else? I'm clearly not in a monogamous relationship with the guy, since I know there's at least one more. And I don't think it's that interesting to know how he behaves in the company of other people when I'm not around.
    FYI, I was not one of the people calling you names or saying they wanted to slam your head in a brick wall, but I can understand their vitrol.

    Cheating is a very sensitive subject - at some point in their lives, most people will have either cheated/or been cheated on. It's not nice for either to happen, and I don't think it's ever as simple as black and white, all cheating is evil.

    I don't think much of this man for repeatedly cheating on his wife. It's clear his marriage vows mean nothing to him. Whether or not they mean anything to his wife I don't know, but the fact that he is treating her with so little respect is understandably upsetting/infuriating for others - it's not nice to see people treat others like that. Whether or not you agree if one thing, but some of your earlier posts came across as uncaring to the point of sheer rudeness, which is probably why people started calling you names.

    As for your situation, from what you've described, I don't condone it to be honest. I think it's even worse that you don't have feelings for him - not that that would make it right, but I would at least be inclined to be more understanding if you had fallen in love with this man and really couldn't control your feelings. But the fact that you're so casual about having no strings attached sex to a man who is married just comes across as cold.

    The fact that you've been cheated on should mean you understand how upsetting this can be - imagine if your husband did this to you. Bad enough that a boyfriend did it, but marriage is so much more complicated, and a much bigger commitment. What of this man has children with his wife? Would you still see it as OK?

    And as I said before, if it got out, what would your friends and family think of you? Any potential boyfriends would likely run a mile if they found out. It's damaging to you, not just this man and his wife.

    I'm not going to call you names, and at the end of the day, if you think it's OK, no amount of bashing over the Internet will change your mind. My opinion - which I think is the point of this thread, people's views on this situation - is that this is not a nice thing to do. You and this man are using each other at the expense of his wife. If you're happy for it to go on, then by all means carry on. But don't be surprised if one day it comes back to haunt you.

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Updated: March 15, 2012
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