[Anonymous]

I could really do with some help - I don't know what to do, and I don't want to carry on feeling as I do now. I'm scared that if I go to the doctor, he/she'll dismiss it as just pathetic, that I'll grow out of it and that I'm wasting their time. This post is undoubtedly very immature, irresponsible and just another piece of adolescent angst but it's how I feel.

Thank you for your time

Spoiler:

Show

Some background: I'm male, 19 years old, at a good university. I'm not that close with my parents - I never confide in them.

I can't help but feel that my self-esteem issues have, in part, come from my mother.

She has such a narrow view of life. I don't care that she wants to fritter away her remaining years going on little outings, going shopping, having lunches out etc. If that's what she wants to do, fine. She enjoys that, and that's all that matters.

But why is she trying to apply the same lifestyle to me? Always trying to get me to go out more, to socialise, to 'do stuff' (as if what I actually do doesn't qualify as doing anything at all), nagging me why don't I just go out for the sake of going out, why don't I have a girlfriend yet etc. All these things are apparently 'good for you'.

She doesn't realise that either I find those things incredibly stressful and hard to deal with, or I don't want to do them at all. I don't see why what I want to do, because it mostly takes place inside, doesn't count as significant or 'good for you'. I can take care of myself. At university, I go to the gym, I'm self-teaching a language, I get my work done, I like to read novels, I like tennis, I have made some close-ish friends at university, though I have none from my old school.

Is that not good enough for her? I enjoy working. Why can't she see that?

Of the things I do some are helping me to build my future in the direction I want it to go - I don't know what I want exactly, I only have rough ideas, but I know what I want to do now. Why is she intent on demolishing what I want, with her prescriptive and normative view of life? Were I to follow her advice, and live my life according to her ideas, I would class that as a wasted life, a life full of banalities and ending in nothing but regret.

With her incessant criticism, whether directly to me or simply overheard, she has ruined my self-worth. She's worn me down. I can't work, I can't socialise, I can't think without her criticisms resurfacing and forcing me into doubt and self-hatred. Those doubts take over my time and my concentration, so I can't get anything I want to do done. I HATE myself. I am worthless. For years now I have despised what I am, what I do, what I want, because I don't feel normal. I can't walk down the street without feeling self-conscious, feeling out of place, feeling like everyone is looking, staring or laughing at me. I can't even play the violin now if I know someone is nearby or might be listening. I panic, I start shaking and just can't play. I love the violin, even though I was never any good at it, but I've essentially given it up - I can't face the idea of someone listening to me play. I've intimated as much, about my violin-anxieties, but she doesn't take that seriously.

Social situations have become awkward and claustrophobic. I shiver, I sweat, my eyes lose focus, I can't think what to say, I can't control what I say or do. I analyse what I've done for hours and hours afterwards. Memories come back years afterwards and cause me pain, cause me to wince and shy away. I can't build relationships with people, because I fear I'm just wasting their time and imposing myself on them. It doesn't help that I'm either gay or asexual - I can't even figure that out. I've told her I'm either gay/asexual. She seemed quite dismissive. As much as I'd love love love a relationship, I don't think I could handle one.

I can't sleep. I can't count the number of times I've had to suppress tears lately. I've felt like this for at least 3 years, if not more - I can't remember now. I am an introspective person, but I'm not simply a sombre person - I'm a deeply unhappy person. And I hate pretending that I am happy.

[advent2]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I could really do with some help - I don't know what to do, and I don't want to carry on feeling as I do now. I'm scared that if I go to the doctor, he/she'll dismiss it as just pathetic, that I'll grow out of it and that I'm wasting their time. This post is undoubtedly very immature, irresponsible and just another piece of adolescent angst but it's how I feel.

Thank you for your time

Spoiler:

Show

Some background: I'm male, 19 years old, at a good university. I'm not that close with my parents - I never confide in them.

I can't help but feel that my self-esteem issues have, in part, come from my mother.

She has such a narrow view of life. I don't care that she wants to fritter away her remaining years going on little outings, going shopping, having lunches out etc. If that's what she wants to do, fine. She enjoys that, and that's all that matters.

But why is she trying to apply the same lifestyle to me? Always trying to get me to go out more, to socialise, to 'do stuff' (as if what I actually do doesn't qualify as doing anything at all), nagging me why don't I just go out for the sake of going out, why don't I have a girlfriend yet etc. All these things are apparently 'good for you'.

She doesn't realise that either I find those things incredibly stressful and hard to deal with, or I don't want to do them at all. I don't see why what I want to do, because it mostly takes place inside, doesn't count as significant or 'good for you'. I can take care of myself. At university, I go to the gym, I'm self-teaching a language, I get my work done, I like to read novels, I like tennis, I have made some close-ish friends at university, though I have none from my old school.

Is that not good enough for her? I enjoy working. Why can't she see that?

Of the things I do some are helping me to build my future in the direction I want it to go - I don't know what I want exactly, I only have rough ideas, but I know what I want to do now. Why is she intent on demolishing what I want, with her prescriptive and normative view of life? Were I to follow her advice, and live my life according to her ideas, I would class that as a wasted life, a life full of banalities and ending in nothing but regret.

With her incessant criticism, whether directly to me or simply overheard, she has ruined my self-worth. She's worn me down. I can't work, I can't socialise, I can't think without her criticisms resurfacing and forcing me into doubt and self-hatred. Those doubts take over my time and my concentration, so I can't get anything I want to do done. I HATE myself. I am worthless. For years now I have despised what I am, what I do, what I want, because I don't feel normal. I can't walk down the street without feeling self-conscious, feeling out of place, feeling like everyone is looking, staring or laughing at me. I can't even play the violin now if I know someone is nearby or might be listening. I panic, I start shaking and just can't play. I love the violin, even though I was never any good at it, but I've essentially given it up - I can't face the idea of someone listening to me play. I've intimated as much, about my violin-anxieties, but she doesn't take that seriously.

Social situations have become awkward and claustrophobic. I shiver, I sweat, my eyes lose focus, I can't think what to say, I can't control what I say or do. I analyse what I've done for hours and hours afterwards. Memories come back years afterwards and cause me pain, cause me to wince and shy away. I can't build relationships with people, because I fear I'm just wasting their time and imposing myself on them. It doesn't help that I'm either gay or asexual - I can't even figure that out. I've told her I'm either gay/asexual. She seemed quite dismissive. As much as I'd love love love a relationship, I don't think I could handle one.

I can't sleep. I can't count the number of times I've had to suppress tears lately. I've felt like this for at least 3 years, if not more - I can't remember now. I am an introspective person, but I'm not simply a sombre person - I'm a deeply unhappy person. And I hate pretending that I am happy.

You say you never confide in your parents but from what I have read, your mother seems to be the root cause of your problems. It seems to be her behaviour which is causing you to feel the way you are.

Whilst it might be obvious to you or other people that her behaviour is causing this stress and anxiety in your life, she is probably completely oblivious to the effect it is having. Without communication, the behaviour will continue. She can't read your mind so unless you point these things out to her, it is likely to continue unabated.

There's a great part in the book 'The seven habits of highly effective people' by Stephen Covey which I will quote:

'Suppose you've been having trouble with your eyes and you decide to go to an optometrist for help. After briefly listening to your complaint, he takes off his glasses and hands them to you. "Put these on," he says. "I've worn this pair of glasses for ten years now and they've really helped me. I have an extra pair at home; you can wear these."

So you put them on, but it only make the problem worse. "This is terrible!" you exclaim. "I can't see a thing!"

"Well, what's wrong?" he asks. "They work great for me. Try harder."

"I am trying," you insist. "Everything is a blur."

"Well, what's the matter with you? Think positively."

"Okay. I positively can't see a thing."

"Boy, are you ungrateful!" he chides. "And after all I've done to help you!"

Your mother is doing the same as that guy, she is viewing your world through her eyes and is assuming that what works for her, will work for you.

If you want to understand people better I would recommend reading 'How to win friends and influence people' by Dale Carnegie. It will give you some advice and understanding which will help you combat what you are going through.

[los lobos marinos]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I could really do with some help - I don't know what to do, and I don't want to carry on feeling as I do now. I'm scared that if I go to the doctor, he/she'll dismiss it as just pathetic, that I'll grow out of it and that I'm wasting their time. This post is undoubtedly very immature, irresponsible and just another piece of adolescent angst but it's how I feel.

I don't agree at all. I think this post demonstrates maturity and self-responsibility. Look, you've identified a problem that is having a profound effect upon you and have sought advice and support. Most people would agree that this is an admirable quality and not at all pathetic. On an academic level, it could be argued that it demonstrates a good problem-solving skills and a logical approach. Your GP would have no right to dismiss you if you articulate yourself as well during an appointment. If they did than that would be poor reflection on the quality of the practitioner and would need to change GP.

(Original post by Anonymous)

Spoiler:

Show

Some background: I'm male, 19 years old, at a good university. I'm not that close with my parents - I never confide in them.

I can't help but feel that my self-esteem issues have, in part, come from my mother.

She has such a narrow view of life. I don't care that she wants to fritter away her remaining years going on little outings, going shopping, having lunches out etc. If that's what she wants to do, fine. She enjoys that, and that's all that matters.

But why is she trying to apply the same lifestyle to me? Always trying to get me to go out more, to socialise, to 'do stuff' (as if what I actually do doesn't qualify as doing anything at all), nagging me why don't I just go out for the sake of going out, why don't I have a girlfriend yet etc. All these things are apparently 'good for you'.

She doesn't realise that either I find those things incredibly stressful and hard to deal with, or I don't want to do them at all. I don't see why what I want to do, because it mostly takes place inside, doesn't count as significant or 'good for you'. I can take care of myself. At university, I go to the gym, I'm self-teaching a language, I get my work done, I like to read novels, I like tennis, I have made some close-ish friends at university, though I have none from my old school.

Is that not good enough for her? I enjoy working. Why can't she see that?

Of the things I do some are helping me to build my future in the direction I want it to go - I don't know what I want exactly, I only have rough ideas, but I know what I want to do now. Why is she intent on demolishing what I want, with her prescriptive and normative view of life? Were I to follow her advice, and live my life according to her ideas, I would class that as a wasted life, a life full of banalities and ending in nothing but regret.

With her incessant criticism, whether directly to me or simply overheard, she has ruined my self-worth. She's worn me down. I can't work, I can't socialise, I can't think without her criticisms resurfacing and forcing me into doubt and self-hatred. Those doubts take over my time and my concentration, so I can't get anything I want to do done. I HATE myself. I am worthless. For years now I have despised what I am, what I do, what I want, because I don't feel normal. I can't walk down the street without feeling self-conscious, feeling out of place, feeling like everyone is looking, staring or laughing at me. I can't even play the violin now if I know someone is nearby or might be listening. I panic, I start shaking and just can't play. I love the violin, even though I was never any good at it, but I've essentially given it up - I can't face the idea of someone listening to me play. I've intimated as much, about my violin-anxieties, but she doesn't take that seriously.

Social situations have become awkward and claustrophobic. I shiver, I sweat, my eyes lose focus, I can't think what to say, I can't control what I say or do. I analyse what I've done for hours and hours afterwards. Memories come back years afterwards and cause me pain, cause me to wince and shy away. I can't build relationships with people, because I fear I'm just wasting their time and imposing myself on them. It doesn't help that I'm either gay or asexual - I can't even figure that out. I've told her I'm either gay/asexual. She seemed quite dismissive. As much as I'd love love love a relationship, I don't think I could handle one.

I can't sleep. I can't count the number of times I've had to suppress tears lately. I've felt like this for at least 3 years, if not more - I can't remember now. I am an introspective person, but I'm not simply a sombre person - I'm a deeply unhappy person. And I hate pretending that I am happy.

Your emotions expressed above are similar to those that I have frequently observed in myself. The way that they impact on your thoughts and behaviour (eg disturbed sleeping patterns etc) are also things that have effected me in a similar way. You know what, it is also a typical thought-emotion-behaviour process symptomatic of those suffering from a mental health condition. You are not alone.

Do seek support from your GP for the way that you feel and have faith that they system will provide with support. Also, there is an organisation called Stonewall who run, amongst other things, an advice service to discuss issues around your sexuality. Check out their website here. They specialise in supporting the gay/lesbian/bisexual community in the UK. 08000-50-20-20 weekdays 0930-1730.

Well done for stepping forward and starting this thread.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your replies. I haven't really known how to respond until now, and I've been putting off the issue even longer. Things have not improved. In fact I feel even worse about myself. more than usual. As soon as I get back to university I shall contact the GP and talk things through with her/him.

I've come to feel that others' expectations of me aren't my biggest anxieties. It's my own expectations of myself (obvious now, really), and the expectations I want to but know I cannot live up to. That self-esteem issue really hampers my relationships with people, and recently I have become acutely aware of that. I need to stop putting that off as just 'me' and 'my personality', and that it's unchangeable, and find the courage to speak to someone about it. Honestly you've helped, and I know I need to make the next step, but I'm still scared of being misunderstood, humiliated and rejected or treated as just melodramatic.

[lightburns]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you so much for your replies. I haven't really known how to respond until now, and I've been putting off the issue even longer. Things have not improved. In fact I feel even worse about myself. more than usual. As soon as I get back to university I shall contact the GP and talk things through with her/him.

I've come to feel that others' expectations of me aren't my biggest anxieties. It's my own expectations of myself (obvious now, really), and the expectations I want to but know I cannot live up to. That self-esteem issue really hampers my relationships with people, and recently I have become acutely aware of that. I need to stop putting that off as just 'me' and 'my personality', and that it's unchangeable, and find the courage to speak to someone about it. Honestly you've helped, and I know I need to make the next step, but I'm still scared of being misunderstood, humiliated and rejected or treated as just melodramatic.

People often don't look outside their type of lifestyle. My Dad makes snide comments to me about my Aunt and Gran, who have a laid-back lifestyle and are overweight (whereas my Dad will never take an hour to just sit down and watch a programme). There's nothing wrong with staying indoors. There's nothing wrong with having less or even minimal or an entirely lacking social life. Your mother is being a complete prat.

Another option would be to email a charity type organisation, there's quite a few around. Or call them, if you'd prefer.

You sound like you have been in a very good position (in terms of working well etc.), and whatever happens, your future can't be damaged because of your mother. It's worth the risk of being treated as melodramatic.

What might be useful is if your university has someone that you can talk to - like a university counsellor or something.

I'm talking as a fellow avoid-going-to-the-doctor kind of guy, so I can absolutely understand you putting it off.