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Being very inexperienced - does it *have* to mean being isolated?

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    I'm turning twenty one in July and compared to most people my age, I'm very, inxperienced, I think is the best word for it.

    I haven't ever been abroad - alone or with family. I've actually never travelled more than twenty miles without an adult meeting me at the other end or being with me - I've never been on a girls' holiday or anything like that.

    I've never been drunk, never smoked, never done weed or anything like that.

    I've never had a proper best friend, nor have I ever had a secure group of proper friends. I've never been in a relationship or indeed asked out, I've never been kissed or even danced with a lad. I've obviously not had sex.

    I've never driven a car, or even had the opportunity for driving lessons. I've never had a job other than a paper round.

    When I look at others on here, you all seem to be so far ahead of me. All of my friends from school have their own houses, two or three are engaged. People younger than me are mums and dads, a few to more than one child. I always thought that by the time I was fourteen, I'd have a boyfriend. When that came and went, I thought "maybe at 16..". Turned sixteen - didn't happen..

    I just feel completely isolated and stuck in a world where everyone is different to me. I don't think I have a life, not a proper one, and I'm not sure how to get it. How do you get past being completely isolated? How do you make friends when you aren't interesting or worth talking to because you've nothing to talk about? I don't want to be stuck on my own always - I avoid uni because I see other people with friends, smiling and laughing and it just makes me cry - end up getting the first bus back to my mum's and hiding there
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    Life does not run to a timetable. There is a start and an end and that is all. So you can forget all this "I thought I would have a boyfriend by this time..." rubbish.

    I think you need to get yourself out there and meet people. First things first - you need to stop thinking of yourself as being boring with nothing to talk about. There must be something interesting about you? You needn't have scaled Everest or journeyed to the north pole to be interesting! Think of television, music, films any hobbies you may have - surely there is something there to talk about?

    Then comes the meeting people part. Are there any societies at your university you could join?

    As an aside - don't wish your life away. So what if people have already found a partner, become engaged, got a house, had a child... you have all this to look forward to. You are 20 - enjoy it.
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    no not at all, ive never done any of those things either and i don't feel isolated
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    You say you haven't had a job. Why don't you get a part time job, earn some money and start saving for something that will make you happy....like going abroad or driving lessons. The job part means you meet new people, maybe gain self-confidence in trying new things..and of course money . just a suggestion.
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    Just put yourself out there more. Try things. Go on a journey alone, have a drink, try a cigarette.
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    When I was 19 I'd never done a lot of things!.It's not a bad thing OP, just means you were busy doing other things/not following the pack.You're only 21 plenty of time to do those things you have'nt yet, dont worry.There's no need to feel isolated.
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    (Original post by Cast No Shadow)
    try a cigarette.
    Why? Because everyone else is doing it? Dreadful advice. Smoking is buying bad health.


    OP- I wouldn't worry. Be yourself and do things to make you happy as people.

    The world is full of idiotic social conformists who look forward to "GETTING DRUNK WITH DA GIRLSSSSS!!!!" or their banal "girls" or "lads" holiday; their idea of a debate is one involving what lipstick colour is nicest. :rolleyes:

    In terms of relationships, don't force anything; it's very clichéd but your time will come.

    Good luck.
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    (Original post by Iron Lady)
    Why? Because everyone else is doing it? Dreadful advice. Smoking is buying bad health.


    OP- I wouldn't worry. Be yourself and do things to make you happy as people.

    The world is full of idiotic social conformists who look forward to "GETTING DRUNK WITH DA GIRLSSSSS!!!!" or their banal "girls" or "lads" holiday; their idea of a debate is one involving what lipstick colour is nicest. :rolleyes:

    In terms of relationships, don't force anything; it's very clichéd but your time will come.

    Good luck.
    True, trying a cigarette will give you lung cancer.
    I didn't advise her to take up smoking, trying a cigarette is harmless.
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    Well, the obvious answer is to get out there and try new things, and BECOME experienced. Go out and get drunk if you want to, and dance with a guy there and kiss him if you want to. Take a trip away. Ask to meet up with your friends and turn those relationships into 'secure' ones. And next time you are travelling somewhere, don't go with an adult, just say 'you know what, I'll be alright on my own.'
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    (Original post by Cast No Shadow)
    True, trying a cigarette will give you lung cancer.
    I didn't advise her to take up smoking, trying a cigarette is harmless.
    Don't put words in my mouth, darling.

    What's the point in trying a cigarette? Once may be 'harmless' but what if the person wants another and another, leading to addiction. Also the type of people who try them once are social conformists; a trait that must not be encouraged.

    Can you explain your logic in recommending a one off smoke? There are other ways to feel 'pleasure' or whatever smokers claim to feel when they puff.
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    (Original post by Iron Lady)
    Don't put words in my mouth, darling.

    What's the point in trying a cigarette? Once may be 'harmless' but what if the person wants another and another, leading to addiction. Also the type of people who try them once are social conformists; a trait that must not be encouraged.

    Can you explain your logic in recommending a one off smoke? There are other ways to feel 'pleasure' or whatever smokers claim to feel when they puff.
    One is harmless, and I don't believe one cigarette leads to an addiction either. I'm sure there are examples out there of people who've had one and it's lead to an addiction, but it depends on the type of person you are. If you're responsible, there's no harm in trying it.

    And it means you're a social conformist? Alright then, haha, that's definitely what was going through my mind when I first tried it. Considering how much it's frowned upon, and all the money that goes into advertising people not to do it, I wouldn't say it means you're conforming to anything.

    I would recommend that as long as it's legal and won't put you in immediate danger, that you should try as many things as possible.
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    (Original post by Cast No Shadow)
    And it means you're a social conformist? Alright then, haha, that's definitely what was going through my mind when I first tried it. Considering how much it's frowned upon, and all the money that goes into advertising people not to do it, I wouldn't say it means you're conforming to anything.

    I would recommend that as long as it's legal and won't put you in immediate danger, that you should try as many things as possible.
    1. Peer pressure.
    2. With sufficient reasoning.
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    (Original post by Iron Lady)
    1. Peer pressure.
    2. With sufficient reasoning.
    Why would it be peer pressure? That's a huge assumption.
    And "sufficient reasoning" is completely subjective.
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    (Original post by Cast No Shadow)
    Why would it be peer pressure? That's a huge assumption.
    And "sufficient reasoning" is completely subjective.
    Most people say they smoke to 'look cool' and impress their friends or in a social gathering. Some people just can't say no.
    Why else would they try it then? To see if they like it? If they do like it, what happens then? They will never try it again. Hmmm.
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    I'll **** you if you're not fat.
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    (Original post by Iron Lady)
    The world is full of idiotic social conformists who look forward to "GETTING DRUNK WITH DA GIRLSSSSS!!!!" or their banal "girls" or "lads" holiday; their idea of a debate is one involving what lipstick colour is nicest. :rolleyes:
    Bit of a massive generalisation of a stereotype don't you think...? You cannot diss a certain stereotype's debating skills when yours are just as bad.
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    (Original post by Iron Lady)
    Most people say they smoke to 'look cool' and impress their friends or in a social gathering. Some people just can't say no.
    Why else would they try it then? To see if they like it? If they do like it, what happens then? They will never try it again. Hmmm.
    Without knowing these people, how would you know enough to make a sweeping statement like that? I can certainly say it doesn't look cool and none of my friends smoke, yet I wanted to try it because by human nature, we're curious.
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    (Original post by imy7)
    Bit of a massive generalisation of a stereotype don't you think...? You cannot diss a certain stereotype's debating skills when yours are just as bad.
    My point was that their interests do not extend beyond superficial things such as makeup, drinking and nights out. So I was reminding the OP that it is perfectly fine to be herself and not worry about others.
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    (Original post by daisydaffodil)
    I'm turning twenty one in July and compared to most people my age, I'm very, inxperienced, I think is the best word for it.

    I haven't ever been abroad - alone or with family. I've actually never travelled more than twenty miles without an adult meeting me at the other end or being with me - I've never been on a girls' holiday or anything like that.

    I've never been drunk, never smoked, never done weed or anything like that.

    I've never had a proper best friend, nor have I ever had a secure group of proper friends. I've never been in a relationship or indeed asked out, I've never been kissed or even danced with a lad. I've obviously not had sex.

    I've never driven a car, or even had the opportunity for driving lessons. I've never had a job other than a paper round.

    When I look at others on here, you all seem to be so far ahead of me. All of my friends from school have their own houses, two or three are engaged. People younger than me are mums and dads, a few to more than one child. I always thought that by the time I was fourteen, I'd have a boyfriend. When that came and went, I thought "maybe at 16..". Turned sixteen - didn't happen..

    I just feel completely isolated and stuck in a world where everyone is different to me. I don't think I have a life, not a proper one, and I'm not sure how to get it. How do you get past being completely isolated? How do you make friends when you aren't interesting or worth talking to because you've nothing to talk about? I don't want to be stuck on my own always - I avoid uni because I see other people with friends, smiling and laughing and it just makes me cry - end up getting the first bus back to my mum's and hiding there
    Oh hun! Don't despair. You're a lovely girl who has plenty to offer friends :hugs:

    Have you checked out Aberdeen's Cath Soc? Or are they uber-scary Catholics? :afraid:

    I'd encourage you to put yourself out there as much as you can. Chances are you'll find someone you click with and that can get you started.

    Don't beat yourself up about being relatively inexperienced compared to people on TSR :nah:
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    It really, really doesn't matter. Some of my friends started having sex at fifteen, one of my best friends had sex for the first time when she was almost thirty. Some of my friends started getting drunk when they were thirteen, I have other friends who are twenty and have never been drunk. It doesn't make any difference at all; I still find enough things to talk about with all of these people, even if their experiences are completely different from mine. It really isn't something you should feel insecure about; you're not, in any way, inferior to others because you have less experience, and what you have to say is just as valuable as what others have to say. If people judge you because you haven't done certain things, they're not worth your time anyway.

    As for making new friends, my suggestion would be to think about what your interests are - writing, acting, photography,... and join a club or society. It doesn't necessarily have to be one at uni, if you feel uncomfortable going to a uni society by yourself (though loads of people do this!). Loads of libraries and cultural centres have societies as well. The advantage of this is that you'll automatically have something to talk about, as you obviously have an interest in common with everyone there! And once you make friends, your confidence will grow, and you'll have more opportunities to go out & experience things and then your confidence will grow even more!

    Good luck, I know it's easier said than done, but the only way you can get experience is by getting out there! You don't have anything to lose so just go for it, head held up high

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Updated: March 18, 2012
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