The Student Room Group

How can I give my boyfriend a wake up call?

Right, I posted this thread the other day:-
http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1948391

And, I promise, this is the last time I'll post about this!

So after the things I mentioned in that list...I feel like I've reached the last straw. We were meant to be meeting up today, and he said he'd text/phone me Sunday (yesterday) to let me know when he was free - so I could in turn let him know when I was free! Well...the night came and went and I heard nothing. I eventually text him about 10 and he replied in the early hours of the morning with a nonsense text (was a bit drunk I think).

When we eventually met he didn't even remember saying he'd be in touch - and said it didn't matter because we knew we'd be 'meeting at some point anyway'. I was amazed - this is the guy, who for the past six months, has without fail planned ahead every time and never left me hanging. He knows I had other things to do that day, and he just seems to have no respect for my time at the moment.

To conclude: I left a lot of my overnight things at his house (quite a few things I need back asap) and suggested coming over to get them in a couple of days - and added that maybe we could have a talk then too. He looked sheepish and said that I could just pick my things up next time I'm round for dinner or something...then went really quiet, and in a round about way, asked if I was going to break up with him because it wasn't sounding good.

He gives me mixed messages. Does he want to be with me or not? How can I give him a wake up call when I see him?

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As mentioned in the last thread, it's most likely just his regular personality. He's not making any special effort anymore. If what you're seeing now, after 5 months (think about how short a time that is), isn't good enough, you have the decision to make here, not him. It's pretty unlikely you'll change him in any major way, but you be the judge.

Sorry for being so blunt but...yeah. From what you describe, this is the deal.
Reply 2
Original post by Aisha~~
As mentioned in the last thread, it's most likely just his regular personality. He's not making any special effort anymore. If what you're seeing now, after 5 months (think about how short a time that is), isn't good enough, you have the decision to make here, not him. It's pretty unlikely you'll change him in any major way, but you be the judge.

Sorry for being so blunt but...yeah. From what you describe, this is the deal.


Do you think my expectations are too high?

After I said I'd be round to see him on Wed, he replied 'yeah, just let me know what time you want to come round...well, or you could just not text me and I'd understand...:smile:' (as though understanding that it was unpleasant to leave me hanging) and I said 'yeah, see how you like it...' - and then added that no, that won't happen, because I don't want to play games in the relationship.

It's obviously difficult because I've fallen for him, hard. Regardless of whether he'll change the way he's been lately...do you think there's anything effective I can say to make him see my point of view? I don't understand how he can't see the shift in his behaviour.

And thanks for your reply, again.
Original post by Anonymous
Do you think my expectations are too high?

After I said I'd be round to see him on Wed, he replied 'yeah, just let me know what time you want to come round...well, or you could just not text me and I'd understand...:smile:' (as though understanding that it was unpleasant to leave me hanging) and I said 'yeah, see how you like it...' - and then added that no, that won't happen, because I don't want to play games in the relationship.

It's obviously difficult because I've fallen for him, hard. Regardless of whether he'll change the way he's been lately...do you think there's anything effective I can say to make him see my point of view? I don't understand how he can't see the shift in his behaviour.

And thanks for your reply, again.


Yes, actually you sound like you're being possessive and expecting things you can't expect. You're confusing him with all these stupid comments, you need to tell him exactly how you feel and not confuse things with games which you're playing, even if you can't see it.
Reply 4
tell him you broke up
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
Yes, actually you sound like you're being possessive and expecting things you can't expect. You're confusing him with all these stupid comments, you need to tell him exactly how you feel and not confuse things with games which you're playing, even if you can't see it.


What stupid comments? And what games?
Original post by Anonymous
What stupid comments? And what games?


"yeah, see how you like it..."

Stupid comment example.

"and added that maybe we could have a talk then too"

Game example.
Original post by Anonymous
Do you think my expectations are too high?

After I said I'd be round to see him on Wed, he replied 'yeah, just let me know what time you want to come round...well, or you could just not text me and I'd understand...:smile:' (as though understanding that it was unpleasant to leave me hanging) and I said 'yeah, see how you like it...' - and then added that no, that won't happen, because I don't want to play games in the relationship.

It's obviously difficult because I've fallen for him, hard. Regardless of whether he'll change the way he's been lately...do you think there's anything effective I can say to make him see my point of view? I don't understand how he can't see the shift in his behaviour.

And thanks for your reply, again.


First point - that's not for me to judge. There's too much to take into account with the whole expectations/standards thing. People are very different. Ask someone who knows you personally, is all I can suggest.

You can suggest that if he doesn't step up his game, the relationship will start to drift (break up is a strong word). See what happens, maybe take a break for a week or something, come back, and see if there's a bit more life. Guys are pretty goal-orientated, and your bf seems like a strong example. Works hard to make the grade, but lays back once he's hit the mark. Do consider things from his point though. If he's stressed out with work or something recently, or family issues, it could be understandable. Make that call yourself. Ultimately though, he's going to be the one to motivate himself to do better. It's pretty hard to influence a guy from the outside, and this situation isn't your fault exactly. It's just unfortunate that you're on slightly different wavelengths, so to speak.
Reply 8
Original post by Anonymous
"yeah, see how you like it..."

Stupid comment example.

"and added that maybe we could have a talk then too"

Game example.


That's not a game. I'm going to his house to collect things - it's a perfect time to talk without being interrupted.
Reply 9
Original post by Aisha~~
First point - that's not for me to judge. There's too much to take into account with the whole expectations/standards thing. People are very different. Ask someone who knows you personally, is all I can suggest.

You can suggest that if he doesn't step up his game, the relationship will start to drift (break up is a strong word). See what happens, maybe take a break for a week or something, come back, and see if there's a bit more life. Guys are pretty goal-orientated, and your bf seems like a strong example. Works hard to make the grade, but lays back once he's hit the mark. Do consider things from his point though. If he's stressed out with work or something recently, or family issues, it could be understandable. Make that call yourself. Ultimately though, he's going to be the one to motivate himself to do better. It's pretty hard to influence a guy from the outside, and this situation isn't your fault exactly. It's just unfortunate that you're on slightly different wavelengths, so to speak.


Yeah...the thing is, won't taking a break just inevitably lead to breaking up? I kind of feel like doing this purely because I need to show him that I'm serious.

Speaking of work - he told me the other day that he was really stressed and as a result was looking forward to seeing me so he could just wind down/chill out. Then later on that night he replied to texts from work ('Yeah, I have to answer them') while with me, and when I went to get myself together for bed (in the bathroom) and came back, he was on his phone again checking his emails from work! He said he was worried that colleagues were talking about him, but said it in such a jokey way that it didn't seem a real issue. It was just like he couldn't switch off.
Even if he sorts himself out, do you not feel in might only be temporary? I just get the feeling this relationship is going to be a struggle for you...
Reply 11
Original post by caseyhayes
Even if he sorts himself out, do you not feel in might only be temporary? I just get the feeling this relationship is going to be a struggle for you...


This has all come as a bit of a shock to me to be honest. I really had been thinking we had a good at chance of being together a long time...

I mean, everything isn't bad. He's still mostly attentive when we're together, sends sweet texts, brings me coffees in the mornings, you know, simple things. And we always laugh when we're together. But then there's these mixed messages and the good things don't just cancel those out, do they? Sounds extreme, but I feel like my heart is breaking.
Original post by Anonymous
That's not a game. I'm going to his house to collect things - it's a perfect time to talk without being interrupted.


It's a push-pull game, since you're making him worry about being dumped (which is what your comment implies) then not doing it and continuing the relationship, which is confusing and qualifies as a game. It's subconscious, don't worry too much about it, and I've never met a girl who doesn't do some kind of game.
Reply 13
Original post by Anonymous
It's a push-pull game, since you're making him worry about being dumped (which is what your comment implies) then not doing it and continuing the relationship, which is confusing and qualifies as a game. It's subconscious, don't worry too much about it, and I've never met a girl who doesn't do some kind of game.


Hmm...I kind of see what you mean. To an extent, I wasn't sure if he would worry about being dumped or not.

I think he does want to be with me, but has become complacent.

What exactly can I say to give the wake up call that is needed??
Original post by Anonymous
Hmm...I kind of see what you mean. To an extent, I wasn't sure if he would worry about being dumped or not.

I think he does want to be with me, but has become complacent.

What exactly can I say to give the wake up call that is needed??


If he _never_ makes an effort, let him know but also show that it doesn't have to be all the time. I like to be particularly nice at least once a week, but I'm a romantic by nature (and not by pretense) so don't set the expectations that high. Obviously I'm not a massive dick when I'm not being "particularly nice", but it would involve making myself look as good as I can, being a bit of a gentleman in a half-jokey way, paying, being spontaneous, fun, etc. I expect the same back in about the same amounts, and if my girlfriend does more I'll step up to match it, if she does less I'll either step it down (depending on how I feel) or let her know it's slipping.

You can't expect every moment to be the lovey-dovey relationship you had in the very beginning, but you _can_ expect it to be like that sometimes, especially at 5 months.
Reply 15
Original post by Foo.mp3
That's all you need to do when you go round. Wait till you have his full attention and deliver that completely deadbeat. Don't say anything else, don't nag, don't let him twist out of it, just leave it hanging, let him respond to it and see what haps..

Relationships are about compromise and more often than not people will make less and less of an effort as time goes by (and some guys, myself included, only have limited time/energy for indulging the fancies of ladyfolk beyond what is necessary to secure ass) but you must ensure that your fundamental thresholds are being met. If not it's 1) Red flag; 2) A break; 3) A break up

Keep it real.


Hey Foo.

Will simply saying that he has to step up his game not put him on the defensive though? Or does it need to be blunt like that.

Because I've thought of exact examples over the past couple of weeks that have made me feel this way (comparing this to how amazing he's been in the past) and was going to present that to him.

Since I spoke to him yesterday afternoon, I was out with friends last night and thinking about things...and just thinking about our time together, and how much I do want to be with him. Around that time he sent me a text so I suppose he must've been thinking about me.

But then today I asked him about a future plan and he said he'd let me know whenever he knew more about it (wishy washy response) - I had to let friends know what was happening, so I nearly flipped at this complete disrespect for my time again. I told him I needed to know within a couple of hours, and he stepped up his game. Then we started being nicer to eachother again, and he offered to come and meet me on my way to his for 'the talk' so I don't need to walk far on my own.

Finally: would a break of about a week be such a bad idea? I know people says its the beginning of the end, but I'm not sure. Maybe it's not words, but an action that will show him I'm serious.
"Break" to man = end of relationship.

See Ross.
Reply 17
Original post by Anonymous
"Break" to man = end of relationship.

See Ross.


Ha! Another part of the reason for the break would not just be a wake up call - but because its affecting my studies. Because some days I know I'm meeting him on the same days I am going to work on an assignment/and or go to classes, yet don't know when because he doesn't contact me 'til last minute. It's causing too much stress.
Original post by Anonymous
Ha! Another part of the reason for the break would not just be a wake up call - but because its affecting my studies. Because some days I know I'm meeting him on the same days I am going to work on an assignment/and or go to classes, yet don't know when because he doesn't contact me 'til last minute. It's causing too much stress.


You could set the time instead of him? Why does the guy always have to do this?

Then if he doesn't turn up without good reason, or turns you down a few times without a proper excuse, you dump that *******!
Reply 19
Original post by Foo.mp3
If you've already raised the issue then there's no need to go over it again, you just tell him that you're unsatisfied with the seriousness with which he has come to treat you in recent weeks and he needs to up his game or what is otherwise a fantastic relationship may turn sour

If a bird came to me with a list she'd be getting laughed at, sorry. Preparation for 'serious talk' is good, so do have examples on hand but never reel them off just like that or you'll look a mentalist!

The thing is, if he's anything like me he'll sense this, and this feeds his complacency. One should never be afraid to love, and show love, but one should be wary of guys who mistake love for being soft

If it's a major domo then write him out of your plans for that thing and forget about it. In time, if he wants to be included, he will come round and learn the importance of responding in a timely manner. Again I'm awful myself in this regard, but then I have my excuses (M.E. chief among them). My ex used to resent the fact she could never count on my attendance at owt and would only typically know on the day whether we were 'a go' :rolleyes:

That's sweet. I guess something's stirred in him.. just don't labour it or nag; be short and sharp, but not too dour faced or accusatory!

Neither of you want a break, they're pretty horrible things when you're close to a partner I imagine, but he needs to understand that if you can't resolve this matter by talking about it like adults then you'll have to have a break during which time he can work out whether he's ready for a serious, respectful relationship with a girl like yourself

Aye, consider a break the nuclear option though. If he's a half decent looking/confident lad there's always the very real possibility he could go get laid during this break, or think **** it, she can love me or leave me (see his attitude worsen), and then you're into a whole world of ****, even if you do get back together..


Brilliant reply, thanks so much!

Will just address a few of the points in bold :smile:

- I've not yet told him that I've been unhappy generally, for the past few weeks. I told him that I appreciate it when he calls when he says he will, and wasn't happy with the fact he hadn't bothered. I won't be appearing with a list :p:, but I'll probably need to address the exact times it's annoyed me so that he knows for the future.
- Well, I told him just to let me know if he wasn't wanting to go this time and he said that he did want to and offered to go and pick up the tickets himself. It seems that he responds well to me taking the hard line...(but I shouldn't have to, and don't want to!)
- I'll try not to be dour faced, but I think once we start talking about things it may be hard as the last couple of weeks have been building up and upset me.
- I think he'd be very upset at the idea of a break to be honest. The thought of upsetting him is bad enough, but I have a life to get on with, and lately I've been losing a lot of sleep and shirking other responsibilities, uni and otherwise, over this. I care about him, and want to be with him, but my happiness and emotional state still comes first.

I mean, in the end - I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to. If he's somehow changed and no longer wants to step up to the mark, but still wants to be with me I don't understand. Does it sound to you as if he does? Because if not...none of whatever I'll say will matter.

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