[Anonymous]

Hello,
I am currently at university studying in my first year as an undergraduate for a BA (Single-Hons) in Graphic Design. I really worked hard to get here and after a set-back at college (failing a course) I thought I would be a failure and that I should sign myself off on to the scrap heap, but I carried on at college and was there for a total of fours years until I succeeded.

I got accepted into university last year, things seemed great. Until maybe the 2 week in. My student finance didn't appear in my bank, and it became apparent later that this was due to an administration error in my application. Because they needed me to fill in a form. Nevertheless, I did this in the hopes that the finance would sort itself.

It took nearly 5months to sort itself, I was ringing and pestering student finance everyday almost. Frantically pleading for them to do something, it seemed like they didn't care. All the while, my course was well into swing, I was getting behind on work because I couldn't focus. Since my rent was due, but because I had no financial aid I couldn't do so. Leading me to borrow loans from the university.

My stress levels increased, I soon found the work-load had built up (maybe 2months in at this point), I felt like crying. So much work to do already, and I was having a meltdown. On top of this, I am a reserved person anyways and so I often tend to bottle everything up. Socializing had always been an issue for me, and because of this I refrained from telling my lecturers or anyone. I became reclusive and distant in lessons, didn't talk to many people and felt that nobody liked me. I took every criticism personally (peers and lecturer input), I jumped to conclusions about people and generally developed a very passive aggressive nature due to excessive 'bottling up'.

I found myself undesirable to the opposite sex, and found assume that no girl would ever go near me. Whilst I knew of all this irrationality, I could not/still cannot stop myself thinking these things. And to the extent of believing with full conviction. I was bullied at school, and have Cerebral Palsy (although not to a severe extent), I still feel my past and this issue contribute to my psychological
well-being in terms of my perception of the world.

I reached a point where I had enough, I emailed my pastoral tutor and she arranged a meeting for us. She advised me to seek counseling through the university. So I did that, and had about 7 sessions, and found that I got frustrated with myself due to the fact my mood was constant up and down and I couldn't place myself on the scale accurately. I was agitated and depressed, but all at same time, wanting to succeed. Due to these issues I felt counseling wasn't as effective and so my last session seemed to fly by so fast, because I eventually feared the sessions with the therapist. My anxiety always got the better.

I left counseling feeling like I could at least try and pick myself up. I was wrong. The workload got on top of me, it was so so so overwhelming, I quickly lost the willpower, despite going backwards and forwards to the universities welfare services and informing lecturers of my situation. All these people provided short-term relief where they could. I had hit rock bottom, but it seemed there was no bottom to it. The black hole was deeper than before. Over time the anxiety culminated I began to cry a lot and go for long walks where I would blame myself and wish myself ill-health, wish my life would end.

I went back to my pastoral tutor, and was told to go to my GP, so I did and I was given some leaflets on self-help and advice. As well as being referred to the mental health team, in which I had to phone a number to book an appointment. At the time it was the Easter holidays so I went back home shortly afterward, and decided to go home for a while, see how things went and then ring when I got back here.

Two weeks on from being back; I am up to my neck in it! Work left, right and center. Last night I went for a walk and wished I was dead. I cannot cope, I went to my pastoral tutor and she advised me to see my GP again, as I am at breaking point. I was advised by my pastoral tutor about the option of terminating my studies and deferring them until a year or so, so that I can get back on track mentally. But I am feeling under so much pressure to make a choice, the right choice. What do I do?

I know this course is making me ill, and if I carry on I will most likely be even further ill. I cannot handle the prospect of family and friends thinking I am a failure and also I don't think I will get very far if I do not come back to uni in a years time. I will be stuck in a job a hate for the rest of my life! :-(

I've screwed up massively......I was such an ambitious person when I began 7months ago. I wanted to 'be someone' and 'reach for the stars' and now people will think I am a failing academic and a washed up loser. I am feeling really rushed to make a decision, let alone thinking about what my mother will say and about what the next year holds for me.

The other problem is my beliefs; I always thought that university was the 'be-all-end-all' and so not going was not an option for me. I was under the impression I would get nowhere without a degree and so with this notion I cannot accept my current predicament and I have been in denial all the way through my life in terms of this.

I would hate to be working for someone in 2years time, in some menial job, washing floors and have them boss me about, because they have their degree. And having to admit being a failure at uni...this is also a problem.

Please can someone help I'm desperate.

[Kazbian]

Did you ever make that appointment with the mental health team? If not, definitely do so. They'll be able to help you. There are options which I'm sure you know of - therapy (e.g. CBT), medication etc can help quite a lot. You really should see the mental health term and maybe your GP again before making any decisions.

I've been in a similar situation to you in the past, but I didn't drop out. I had to have help (e.g. some different arrangements for my classes and exams). It was a struggle, but I got through it.

If you do decide to terminate your studies, it doesn't have to permanent. It could just be for a year until you get back on track. I'm sure your family want the best for you, so they shouldn't want to carry on if it's making you ill. There's no shame in taking a break from studying to get yourself back on track. It's sensible and people should support you in that. Could you transfer to a university closer to home? (I don't know if that would be beneficial to you or not.) Remember, you and your wellbeing are more important than your studies.

I wish you all the best. Definitely go speak to the mental health team/GP to consider all the options before making any decisions.

[jim100]

You need to decide do you suffer in the short term by continuing your degree or then suffer long term by being in a menial job and knowing you are not making the most of your potential which will further erode your self esteem thinking that your friends and family think you are a failure.

From the way you have written your story you are clearly clever and definitely you should complete your degree. You know for a fact if you left university you will not get a job due to the record unemployment level at your age group. With the double dip recession I expect the economy to fall further meaning more unemployement and fewer jobs

Left is a struggle, boy I struggled through my degree due to bullying but I was determined to complete and was completely single minded. Spend your time studying but take some time out - exercise and get surrounded by people who make you laugh. Exercise will relieve stress and depression especially running.

Get organised and focused - put a timetable together. Try to scrap through this year but make sure you clear your head for the next years.

Good Luck

[unknowngirl44]

I am writing this.at five am.why am i up so early? Due to the anxiety and depression that wakes me every day and threatens to destroy me. I started uni (again) last month. Now i am on.Ntidepressants, major trNquilizers and have to c a psychiatrist on a daily basis due to accute symptoms and wanting to die. Im not saying ull get this bad-i already hadan anxiety disordrer before uni. I should have known better. But i thought my story may help u know.its not just u going through this.also, to pass on psycs advice-if its.making u ill dont do.it. And dont feel anyshame or guilt. Our health is the.most imp thing we have and we only get one.life. Im not tellinh u to quit. If u feel u cN stay onthen great. But if u cant then.its.ok to.lea e and do something.diff. I sure as hell am b4 i end up any more ill xx