[Anonymous]

Just thought i'd update you all for the ones who gave some helpful advice.

We broke up shortly after the post. He understands that we have grown as different people over 2 years. I've been working more hours and been able to focus on college work much better, whilst still being able to have fun on nights out with friends.
I'm 18 years old and I've had one boyfriend that I needed advice on what to do, so hardly a 'slut' as some people have said - some people need to grow up!

But thank you to the majority of people! x

[Aisha~~]

Give us an update in 6 months time, please. When the pangs of regret start to overwhelm you.

[headphones]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks in advance for any advice.

I've been with my boyfriend 'M' for 2 and a half years, and he's my first boyfriend. We've been completely happy for all this time, we were each others first for everything and i can imagine being him for life. I'm 18 and he's 20.

However lately I have been getting bored. I've told him this and I've said I wanted a break to think it through. He was understandably very upset and confused. I have the desire to meet/date other boys to make sure he's the one I want. I don't want to feel tied down at a young age. The idea of only having been out with one guy my whole life horrifys me. How do I know he's the one if he's the only one I've ever had? But saying that I love and care for him dearly.

I think this started as I turned 18 in November but i've still not been out nightclubbing because he isn't bothered about that type of thing. This has made me even more want to go out and experiment single life. However he is happy me going clubbing with other people, but I don't want to cheat on him.
I don't want to lose him though, but I know doing this is leading him on.

Also, to make things worse, the past week I have been seeing this boy 'D' from work and been meeting up at pubs and we've kissed. I told everything tomy boyfriend and he still wants me back and misses me. I have like this guy 'D' a lot and he likes me. But I know my boyfriend is too good to lose.

I want my boyfriend to date other people as well, but I might be just saying that to make myself feel better.

I am so confused I don't want to lose the love of my life for 'experimenting with other guys' But I know I'll never be able to feel settled if this doesn't happen. I don't understand how I love him if I'm having these doubts.

Please help

Girls really don't have any loyalty to guys these days. Being a boyfriend is so hard no matter what you do the woman always complains and alway's wants to be with other guys.

I think you obviously don't think much about your bf and you obviously don't love him if you want to get with other guys.

[headphones]

(Original post by Hypocrism)
Depends on the guy. If I was actually in love with someone, I'll always give them a second chance.

I think you should just get over it and move on. Giving somebody a second chance is the dumbest move you can ever do. You will just be heartbroken again. Even if you are deeply in love with somebody if they cheat or something similar you have to accept they don't feel the same way.

[Pink Liquid]

I went through the same thing. I was getting bored and wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side. I thought he would always be there still afterwards. I partied away, danced with other guys etc. etc. I felt guilty deep down inside. I guess this showed and we broke up not long after. I've been experiencing single life since and it's not been greener on the other side. Part of what contributed to what I did was my friends seemed to be having a good time being single and not tied down. Now I realised they portrayed it to seem fun but they were just getting by. They would discuss different penis sizes to me and make me feel guilty only having my bf to experiment on. I guess I just wanted to see what the fuss was all about.

[Jacoustic]

Sorry to hijack this thread.

I literally about 5 days ago was dumped for the whole 'grass is greener' thing. And after 3.6 years of a fantastic relationship... it sucks. She went to uni at all was fine but I think the pressure of being in a relationship got to her and she wants to 'see what it's like to be single'. I've never been through this before and although I'm not a complete wreck (surprisingly to me), I keep going through phases of anxiety, wanting to call her, wanting physical contact with another girl etc.

So if it's possible, does anyone have any advice at all? I'd be so bloody grateful, this is the crappest thing to happen in a very long time for me.

Thanks,

J

[RichyFrench]

(Original post by Jacoustic)
Sorry to hijack this thread.

I literally about 5 days ago was dumped for the whole 'grass is greener' thing. And after 3.6 years of a fantastic relationship... it sucks. She went to uni at all was fine but I think the pressure of being in a relationship got to her and she wants to 'see what it's like to be single'. I've never been through this before and although I'm not a complete wreck (surprisingly to me), I keep going through phases of anxiety, wanting to call her, wanting physical contact with another girl etc.

So if it's possible, does anyone have any advice at all? I'd be so bloody grateful, this is the crappest thing to happen in a very long time for me.

Thanks,

J

Well, there's 2 possible situations I can see here.

1. She used that as an excuse to get out of a stale relationship, and she just doesn't want to be with you anymore. Or she honestly does want to see what else is out there, and she realises she didn't want to be in the relationship. If that's the case, you accept it and try to move on.

2. She'll be single for a little while, maybe hook up with a couple of guys, and then realise it's not as fulfilling and amazing and it's cracked up to be. She'll be lonely, realise she doesn't wanna be single after all, and she'll wanna get back with you.

Hypothetically, if the first scenario is the case:

After a breakup most people want to call their ex. Even in situations where they've been abused, cheated on etc. It's habit to talk to them every day, you're used to it, and you feel comfortable in this routine. It's a shock to the system which you have to get used to.

Change isn't always bad though. Replace it with good things, like seeing your friends more often, and take up a hobby you enjoy. Get into your reading, start exercising more often, and just fill the gaps where you would have done something with the ex. You have a lot more time on your hands now, so you have to fill it. It's hard to miss someone when you're too busy to think about it.

Hypothetically, if the second scenario happened:

You have to think, am I a forgiving person? Do I want her back? You can either say: 'After 3.6 years she's just thrown it away so she obviously doesn't care about me, and she doesn't deserve me' or you could say, 'We got together young before she really knew what she wanted, she was worried that she hadn't seen what else was out there, but now she's killed the curiosity we can be happy together.

Grass always looks greener; so many people make this mistake and break up and then realise it's not what they wanted. It's really up to you what you decide. Just don't pester her with messages. Give her 2 weeks of complete space and don't contact her at all. She certainly won't miss you if you keep whining that you want her back.

[Jacoustic]

Thank you for a fantastic answer. Truthfully if she told me she'd made a mistake, as much as I'd want her back I think this has been a wake up call and I don't feel I myself am ready for this relationship right now. I'm inbetween college and uni and it's too difficult to shape my own life whilst keep her in the picture. Also, this happened over a month. I was treated poorly, kept at a distance and made to watch it end slowly and helplessly whilst she changed her mind and kept stalling.

Do I want this next year? No. Do I trust her not to change her mind again? No.

As much as I love her, and I do, the trust has been destroyed and my life shaken up. It isn't a case of forgiveness - no bad feelings. But you can take these things back in my opinion.

[sbarrie2]

Get a hall pass!

[Jim_Reid]

thread should be called I have my cake and I want to eat it

[PlanetTea]

Some people on here are so judgemental its actually ridiculous. I doubt as many of you will have the same view point when you reach your thirties.

[PlanetTea]

(Original post by RichyFrench)
Well, there's 2 possible situations I can see here.

1. She used that as an excuse to get out of a stale relationship, and she just doesn't want to be with you anymore. Or she honestly does want to see what else is out there, and she realises she didn't want to be in the relationship. If that's the case, you accept it and try to move on.

2. She'll be single for a little while, maybe hook up with a couple of guys, and then realise it's not as fulfilling and amazing and it's cracked up to be. She'll be lonely, realise she doesn't wanna be single after all, and she'll wanna get back with you.

Hypothetically, if the first scenario is the case:

After a breakup most people want to call their ex. Even in situations where they've been abused, cheated on etc. It's habit to talk to them every day, you're used to it, and you feel comfortable in this routine. It's a shock to the system which you have to get used to.

Change isn't always bad though. Replace it with good things, like seeing your friends more often, and take up a hobby you enjoy. Get into your reading, start exercising more often, and just fill the gaps where you would have done something with the ex. You have a lot more time on your hands now, so you have to fill it. It's hard to miss someone when you're too busy to think about it.

Hypothetically, if the second scenario happened:

You have to think, am I a forgiving person? Do I want her back? You can either say: 'After 3.6 years she's just thrown it away so she obviously doesn't care about me, and she doesn't deserve me' or you could say, 'We got together young before she really knew what she wanted, she was worried that she hadn't seen what else was out there, but now she's killed the curiosity we can be happy together.

Grass always looks greener; so many people make this mistake and break up and then realise it's not what they wanted. It's really up to you what you decide. Just don't pester her with messages. Give her 2 weeks of complete space and don't contact her at all. She certainly won't miss you if you keep whining that you want her back.

This is really good advice. You should take it. Good luck.

[enigma1122]

(Original post by RichyFrench)
I don't think she's a bitch at all. I can definitely see her side of things. If she expects him to hang around while she ****s other guys then that's just out of order, but I don't think she's actually the type of person who'd do that, judging from how she's written her post.

Most young people under 18 aren't ready for serious relationships. There's a lot of pressure because of the way society is. People think if they haven't had a girlfriend for a while, they'll be single forever. I think it's critically important that people have sex from a young (16+) age, so they can learn and understand the the implications and complications of it. Relationships though can be too deep and it seems that the only way relationships go is to get married or break up.

When you're young, how the hell do you know that you're with the right guy/girl if you've only been with 1? How do you know that you even want a relationship? How do you know whether you're able to make a relationship work? You have school/uni to deal with, working out where your life is going, not knowing whether you wanna move somewhere and get a job. You're growing up and starting to see more of the world; you might even want to travel.

Yes, I agree that she'd regret breaking up with him, but I think she'd regret it more if she didn't get out there and see what else is available. Chances are that they'll break up anyway, they'll go to separate uni's, their parents will move house and they'll live far away from each other, she'll cheat because the curiosity kept eating at her.. So I don't see the point in staying together despite her feelings that she needs to date other people. It's just a waste of time. She obviously needs to do this, you can't compromise on this.

Now, here's a metaphor because I like metaphors and I like pie.



EDIT: To clarify, i'm not saying the guy should take her back. I'm saying that once she knows what she wants in life she can go get it. At the moment she's with him because she doesn't know anything else, it's just ideal to stay with him. At least once she knows what's out there she can go find it. If anything, the flavours are not individual people, but archetypes.

oops they stopped doing blueberry pie no what

[Mr Disco]

Lolslag

[Sweet_Heart]

You can't experience single life and have a boyfriend at the same time. I'm sorry, but you just can't. And you 100% cannot carry on as you are, it's selfish and disrespectful to cheat on someone you claim to love. And it is cheating, even if you're not sleeping with someone else. You need to make a decision about what you want. And soon.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for the OP, she's just asking for advice, doesn't deserve to be called a slut (in fact noone does).

I've been dating my bf for 4 years, my first and everything, and I did go through a period of feeling the same. I guess we get the idea somewhere that the best, most interesting well-adjusted life is to have happened to have a few bfs/gfs before settling down with the "perfect one", whom you are confident is the "perfect one" because you have the experience to tell.

I can't deny that I back part of my mind still has this attitude. The problem is, I think that the above little yarn is a bit of a lie, for the following reasons:

- Break-ups don't make people more rounded and adjusted. If anything, I'd say they tend to just jade and sadden people.

- Noone is perfect, there are millions out there that you could love so much and be so happy with, but probably each will have their own flaws, and you could probably GIGS with any of them.

- Having had a few relationships won't magically make you confident in all of your relationship decisions. You might still have doubt, and fear and GIGS.

Even if it were true, you can't just engineer your life to fit what you think is the perfect algorithm (few bfs, then settle down) - it might as easily be the case that the most "perfect one" also happens to be your first, or your second.

It won't likely be that all your early bfs are sort of jerks or idiots or substandard who it's easy to have fun with, learn from and then conveniently break up with - before you suddenly develop good judgment overnight and this coincides with coming across the "perfect one" at the perfect time.


Well it was through thinking like this (and maybe its a little self-interested, because obviously I want to convince myself that I should stay with my bf forever) that I concluded, honestly, if I stay with my bf, and I adore him and I am happy, and visa versa - then what more do I or could I want?

So it's only appropriate to split up if those conditions stop being met (adoration and happiness), and then by all means I guess I will, and maybe I'll have a string of bfs but at least we'll have split for the right reasons - and then they really will be a learning experience.

But as it stands, for me the grass couldn't be greener than bonding with someone and loving them and being happy - even if maybe some other guy out there exists who is the same but better looking, or funnier or whatever. Because that other more perfect guy isn't mine, isn't the one I love, even if he could be. Plus ofc, there's no guarantee he even exists.

If you've only ever been with one, remember you have the privelege of never having been heartbroken.

[ooerr]

(Original post by Anonymous)

- Break-ups don't make people more rounded and adjusted. If anything, I'd say they tend to just jade and sadden people.

- Noone is perfect, there are millions out there that you could love so much and be so happy with, but probably each will have their own flaws, and you could probably GIGS with any of them.

- Having had a few relationships won't magically make you confident in all of your relationship decisions. You might still have doubt, and fear and GIGS.

What a great post - seriously the best thing I've read on TSR. I've had the same view as you since I first started reading this thread, but you really have summed it up perfectly.

One point though, although it may be a little harsh, I think people are calling the OP a slut because she wants it both ways; she actually chose to cheat on her boyfriend rather than breaking up with him first.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by ooerr)
What a great post - seriously the best thing I've read on TSR. I've had the same view as you since I first started reading this thread, but you really have summed it up perfectly.

Why you made me blush

(Original post by ooerr)
One point though, although it may be a little harsh, I think people are calling the OP a slut because she wants it both ways; she actually chose to cheat on her boyfriend rather than breaking up with him first.

I get the impression from her post "he still wants me back", that she had broken up with him before she kissed the other guy. Making it not cheating but bah that's a technicality anyway.

Yes she is behaving in a very hurtful way toward her fella. But I hate the word slut, it is damaging misogynistic term under any cirumstances imo.