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First verse of MY rap- feedback?

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    First verse of rapy lyrics I'm currently writing- I'm a rookie, don't usually write lyrics so any feedback would be appreciated.


    If you see the world in my eyes all you’ll see is a maze
    Because all I can see in my mind is a perilous craze
    It’s my rap and my beat that’s keeping me sane
    I like to work hard because my pleasure is pain
    They always tell you that it’s all work and no play
    But I’m not selling any of my talent off on EBay
    As I increase the beat, I can feel the heat
    If you want to witness something special, pull up a seat
    You better bear witness and present all the evidence
    As I swagger into the courtroom bags full of arrogance
    They tell me that I must be naïve to believe I will achieve
    But I’d rather grieve than believe that my only existence is to breathe
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    I like the first two lines..
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    ..
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    It's pretty good
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    kinda' gay
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    They tell me that I must be naïve to believe I will achieve
    But I’d rather grieve than believe that my only existence is to breathe

    Like this bit the best But not really sure if it makes sense. Possibly should be my only purpose is to breathe? :/
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    u wan bad ass mofo harold
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    Not bad, if we could imagine the rhythm you've got it might make more sense. Some bits could be tightened up too but generally it's pretty neat.
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    (Original post by mangoh)
    Needs improving

    I've got the tips to make you one of the best MC writers out there

    Use my lyrics from my thread before
    Say nothing, your moist.
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    I understand I'm now in the habit of hijacking threads
    But your rhymes are pedestrian like legs filled with lead
    I'm tiring of all this mundane mediocrity I'm seeing
    On my homepage, all of TSR is agreeing
    Your thoughts befuddled like you've got an aneurysm
    The only response here is torrents of criticism
    I'm trying to find the positives in your writing
    But there's nothing here in which I can be delighting
    Fighting to not remain here on this thread and stop alighting
    Because whilst I'm reading this I feel my I.Q. dividing
    Continuously, the downward progression's logarithmic
    Your bars are pathetic, destroying my mind so terrific
    Selling talent on eBay? Here's a word of caution
    If you're sitting by your PC screen waiting for the auction
    You'll be waiting until we have a homosexual pope
    You're like a reformed coke addict; you simply lack dope
    And if it's true that your pleasure's from your pain
    Then it might be an idea to remain in this game
    If you're sane, you'll refrain from increasing my disdain
    Because I'm no player, I'm a slayer of rhymes with no brain...
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    (Original post by KingMessi)
    I understand I'm now in the habit of hijacking threads
    But your rhymes are pedestrian like legs filled with lead
    I'm tiring of all this mundane mediocrity I'm seeing
    On my homepage, all of TSR is agreeing
    Your thoughts befuddled like you've got an aneurysm
    The only response here is torrents of criticism
    I'm trying to find the positives in your writing
    But there's nothing here in which I can be delighting
    Fighting to not remain here on this thread and stop alighting
    Because whilst I'm reading this I feel my I.Q. dividing
    Continuously, the downward progression's logarithmic
    Your bars are pathetic, destroying my mind so terrific
    Selling talent on eBay? Here's a word of caution
    If you're sitting by your PC screen waiting for the auction
    You'll be waiting until we have a homosexual pope
    You're like a reformed coke addict; you simply lack dope
    And if it's true that your pleasure's from your pain
    Then it might be an idea to remain in this game
    If you're sane, you'll refrain from increasing my disdain
    Because I'm no player, I'm a slayer of rhymes with no brain...
    It take too much to touch her
    From what I heard she got a baby by Busta
    My best friend say she use to f*** with Usher
    I don't care what none of you all say I still love her...
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    (Original post by KingMessi)
    I understand I'm now in the habit of hijacking threads
    But your rhymes are pedestrian like legs filled with lead
    I'm tiring of all this mundane mediocrity I'm seeing
    On my homepage, all of TSR is agreeing
    Your thoughts befuddled like you've got an aneurysm
    The only response here is torrents of criticism
    I'm trying to find the positives in your writing
    But there's nothing here in which I can be delighting
    Fighting to not remain here on this thread and stop alighting
    Because whilst I'm reading this I feel my I.Q. dividing
    Continuously, the downward progression's logarithmic
    Your bars are pathetic, destroying my mind so terrific
    Selling talent on eBay? Here's a word of caution
    If you're sitting by your PC screen waiting for the auction
    You'll be waiting until we have a homosexual pope
    You're like a reformed coke addict; you simply lack dope
    And if it's true that your pleasure's from your pain
    Then it might be an idea to remain in this game
    If you're sane, you'll refrain from increasing my disdain
    Because I'm no player, I'm a slayer of rhymes with no brain...
    **** just got Messi, you heard it mate
    its like you just controlled the ball...with perfect grace
    sprinted past one defender, pranced past another
    OP needs to enhance if you wanna have a chance with contenders


    game.set.match
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    I never understand these threads.

    Surely you guys must listen to a fair bit of rap to become interested in writing, so why do so many first attempts come off so basic and simple?

    It's like you're only hearing the music and not listening.
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    I genuinely quite like it, especially the opening. But only criticism is there's probably a lot of raps like it with the same message - try and think of a subject unique to you and something that means a lot. Words should flow from there
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    Those rigid, basic rhymes...

    Like Carmen said, 'it's time to move, time to get loose, anywhere you are.'
    • 1 follower
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    This thread is gold. And a lot better than the other rap threads as well!
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    Lindor, celebrations, quality streets or roses,
    ill split you in two like moses, spitting abusive battle raps, rampant attacks, tax you n make it look lax.
    I take a sip of refreshing orange juice with bits, eat some ritz, then send you into the blitz. Eat that now you stupid cow.
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    I love this.
    It makes me smile.

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Updated: April 2, 2012
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