(Original post by Herr)
*for a job in a British investment bank*
Interviewer : What and where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me : I reckon I should be the manager of your current manager.
(His manager choked on his coffee when he heard that.)
Interviewer : How do you think this company could be turned around in the near term?
Me : *explained some cash flow ratios and analysis, explained a few things with regard to market outlook* and then I reckon the quickest way to turn it around is to dismiss you and a few of your lapdogs.
Interviewer : How do you think efficiency savings could be best achieved in this organization?
Me : Merging of a few departments, pay freezes, head-count freeze, outsource a few other departments and then comes culling some of the deadwood which would start with a few in this very room.
Interviewer : This room?
Me : Absolutely, *pointed to 1 bloke at the end* He is playing Facebook, *pointed to another lady* She is playing Angry Birds , *points to the guy sitting next to him* He on the other hand hasn't heard a word of this interview because he is too busy having a BBM conversation...*cheekily* most likely with his wife that he is most terrified off.... he smiled aand laughed before saying he certainly isn't afraid of his wife. As he ended, I said and finally you.
Interviewer : Me?
Me : Yes, you Mr ******* should be the first one on the list to get a P45.
Interviewer : Uhhhh...
2 days later I had the offer letter in hand but I politely declined as I told them their bank is about to lose the goose that laid the golden eggs.
Now you know why most senior investment bankers are some of the cockiest there is.
This one was for an interview looking for a legal work experience at a high street law firm.
Interviewer : Tell me an offensive lawyer joke.
Me : What do you call a lawyer in Wales?
Interviewer : Tell me?
Me : A defender of sheep shagers.
Interviewer : That is racist not offensive.
Me : Seeing that you're a Liebour supporter any racism should be offensive as it goes contrary to your PC madness, therefore a Welsh racist joke should be offensive to you.
Interviewer : Oh dear...... Let's move on from that. What type of lawyer do you aspire to be?
Me : One that helps the rich, the privileged and the powerful.
Interviewer : Excuse me?
Me : You asked me who I'd like to be a lawyer to, those who could pay my fees are exactly the ones I'm most interested to help.
Interviewer : What about those who cannot afford your no doubt expensive fees?
Me : I don't view access to justice by the destitute as well as scum of society to be a matter of priority.
Interviewer : Why did you come for this interview? Do you even know what this firm stands for?
Me : I take it as a personal challenge to turn organizations around and ensure it becomes one of the most profitable ones in the industry in the shortest time possible.
Interviewer : Rather ambitious aren't you sir?
Me : I don't layabout and wait for opportunities to fall on my lap.
Interviewer : Who would you most rather have as a client, an investment banker who had just committed a short-sell that went wrong, a rapist, a person who had just lost their benefit, a drug dealer or an illegal immigrant about to be deported, why and why not the rest?
Me : How much is that drug dealer worth? Does he have any cash to pay upfront for fees?
Interviewer : What if he does not have any money?
Me : Then I will tell him where the door is.
Interviewer : That's it then?
Me : Most definitely.
Me : As for who I would like, most definitely the investment banker, more than likely his company will have plenty to pay as fees.
Interviewer : People like you make me sick. People like you should not be allowed to be lawyers, part of me want to tell you to get out as giving you legal work experience will be an utmost mistake but I feel I should give you a chance for the sole purpose of reformation.
Me : That's it then I suppose? Good day sir.
I didn't shake his hand, got up, took my coat and left.
The next day his wife who is the other partner in the firm gave me a call and offered me a position, apparently her husband was rather impressed that I was confident and honest enough to at least tell the truth.
I quit after 2 weeks.