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alcoholics

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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    To my mum,
    Where have you gone? I’ve been needing you for four years now, and you still haven’t come back. I always thought that at some point, this drunk would go away and I’d get my real mum back but it just hasn’t happened. I don’t want to know this woman here, I want my mum. I want to talk to you about boys, and my friends and how much I’m struggling with everything, but you just aren’t there. I feel like I can see you, but you’re too far away to help me. And you don’t want to.

    I will never forget that woman laughing at me while I cried because of how drunk she was. I’ve never been so distressed – my dad and my sister said they’d never seen me like that. And they promised it would be okay, while you giggled away. They lied to me. And you just laughed. How can you be soo drunk that you find it funny that your daughter is bawling her eyes out because of what you’ve done? How can you think that’s okay? How can you tell me you love me, and you’re proud of me, when you don’t even know me. I’ve tried to talk to you, but you don’t seem to care. You give me this look as if what I’m saying is stupid. And you never ask. You and dad promised that you would ask about my life, and get involved but you still haven’t. You don’t do anything for me. I’m 19 now and I don’t need you to do anything, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it. I want you to look ater me. I want you to hear me crying myself to sleep and come and check I’m okay. I want you to love me again. Properly. And I want to love you. But I don’t. I don’t know you anymore, and I don’t want to understand why you drink I just want it to stop. I want to stop being afraid of people visiting our house, I want to stop being afraid of other people;s parents seeing you both, I want to be able to ask for stuff, and know that I’ll get it, I want to be able to tell you something, and stop thinking its normal for you not to remember. I want to stop feeling like this routine is normal, of you both drinking, and sleeping, and drinking, and going to the pub, and sleeping, and cooking one random meal and expecting us all to admire you massively for how hard you worked for one hour. The rest of us work, but somehow you don’t – the alcohol replaces that. You don’t need to clean the bathroom, you know I’ll do it eventually when I can’t stand how filthy it is anymore. You don’t need to cook us dinner, you know we’ll just have toast for tea everyday because you can’t be bothered. You don’t need to ask me how my day was, and actually care what I have to say. You don’t need to notice that I’m struggling with my whole life and I need help. You don’t need to be the one to give me that help.

    No, of course you don’t, you have alcohol for that.

    And me, I want my mum back. Maybe I don’t have to help drag you up to stairs, but this everyday wearing away is still horrible. I know that you are probably never actually sober. Its just a constant cycle of hiding wine under your bed and drinking it, then going out the to pub and embarrassing everyone.

    And my dad,
    You aren’t much better. Maybe I see you more, but I ca see that glaze in your eyes and it still hurts me. You need to drink just as much, the difference is that you can still function with it. I just know you couldn’t function without it. We’ve tried to get you to do that, and you couldn’t. I know you’ve got a hard life, with your job and your health, but alcohol isn’t going to help.

    I wish you both would understand that. You are pushing your children away – my sister wasn’t lying when she said we wouldn’t come back home. If I could stay at university for holidays, I would. My children will never see you drunk. And if that means they never see you, then so be it. I don’t want them to experience it like I did. And I guess they’ll have another set of grandparents who can fill that hole. I can’t get another set of parents to replace these broken ones, even if I wanted them. I won’t let my children wish that.
    And why don’t you care that your children hate what you do, daily? Why don’t you care that you are killing yourselves, slowly, and we’re going to have to watch you do it. If you don’t think that your daughter being that distressed in front of you is enough reason to stop drinking, then I don’t know what will stop you.

    I don’t wish you dead. I wish the drunks dead, but I want my parents back. More than anything, I just want my parents. I want to tell people how lovely they are, and talk about the wonderful time we had as a family. I see all ym friends with their mums and know that they could go to their parents if they needed help. But I don’t feel I could go to you. I don’t have anybody I could go to and I blame that on you. You should be there for me. How many parents have died and can’t be with their children?! And yet you waste this time that we could be spending together. You could be spending time with me, you could actually know something about me, but instead you drink.

    It hurts me that you put drinking ahead of me. I’m so lonely.
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    I am sorry to learn of your circumstance, perhaps you should send this to your parents, it may serve as a wake up call. It might be worth looking at joining an al anon family group for people who are affected by other's drinking, there other's will know what you are going through and you will be offered help and support.
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    i actually had tears in my eyes after reading that ....i just wish i could take all your pain away i don't think life's been fair to you.
    #2

    my mum was an alcoholic and it ended badly.. she passed away... i miss her so much everyday and there are so many things i wish i could have done but i know not one would have helped. she only realised there was a problem when it was too late.. it's an evil disease and i can't describe how much i miss her 5 years on...

    your mum does love you, but the drink.. it changes them. it is a disease and she needs help but the only one who can really help them is themselves.. just be there for her..
    crying does not change a thing, they do not see it, telling her what she is doing.. none of it helps..

    i regret so much the arguments my mum and i had. mainly due to drink, mainly die to the fact i didn't understand... there are so many things i wish i did differently..

    what i wish most of all is that i was older when it happened, i was young, i didn't understand..
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks for the support.

    I'm not really sure why I posted, I guess I was just feeling lonely and hoping there'd be someone to tell me how to make it better.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    my mum was an alcoholic and it ended badly.. she passed away... i miss her so much everyday and there are so many things i wish i could have done but i know not one would have helped. she only realised there was a problem when it was too late.. it's an evil disease and i can't describe how much i miss her 5 years on...

    your mum does love you, but the drink.. it changes them. it is a disease and she needs help but the only one who can really help them is themselves.. just be there for her..
    crying does not change a thing, they do not see it, telling her what she is doing.. none of it helps..

    i regret so much the arguments my mum and i had. mainly due to drink, mainly die to the fact i didn't understand... there are so many things i wish i did differently..

    what i wish most of all is that i was older when it happened, i was young, i didn't understand..
    Thats partly what I'm afraid of, that with my dads health problems at the moment, and the risk that my mum will be the same I'll lose one or both of them before I get the chance to work it out and get to know them.
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for the support.

    I'm not really sure why I posted, I guess I was just feeling lonely and hoping there'd be someone to tell me how to make it better.



    Thats partly what I'm afraid of, that with my dads health problems at the moment, and the risk that my mum will be the same I'll lose one or both of them before I get the chance to work it out and get to know them.
    i'm really sorry and i don't think it will be much help but i do know what you're going through.. if you want to PM me anything just quote this and i'll send you one.

    the only advice I can give is from my regrets.. know more about the disease.. be patient with her though at the same time keep reminding her there is a problem with how much she drinks (though this din't help with my mum)... you're older than i was so hopefully that will help too..
    don't get involved with her arguments... i know its hard and you get really angry, hurt, frightened, frustrated.. but it doesn't do any good... none of it. they aren't thinking straight. crying will have no effect..

    just try to be strong and stick together, none of this is your fault and only your mum can help herself.. she needs to realise and ADMIT she has a problem..
    #3

    Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do to help addicts until they admit they have a problem and actually want to change. Until that point, there's not a lot you (or anyone else can do).

    Just think, next year you will (I presume) be moving out into private accommodation with a 52-week contract, so you can stay over the summer. And then, if your sister wants a break (it sounds like she lives at home?) then she can come and stay with you during the holidays, so you'll still have company.

    Whatever happens, you'll have to accept that only they can help themselves. You sound like the sort of person who will always be there for their family - but in this instance, at a distance. You have to preserve your own sanity - I've seen too many people nearly kill themselves looking after family members.

    Well done for rising up above it all. So many people would have pretty much crawled into a ball and fallen into the same / similar trap sooner or later. If you can deal with such adversity and come out of it so well, you'll go far in life

    :hugs:
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I just watched a film where a girl finally got to know her mum, and then she died. The girl knew exactly the best place to scatter her ashes because they'd gotten to know eachother so well, and they had so much in common.

    I'm scared because I don't know what I would do if my mum died. I'd have no idea where to scatter her ashes. I don't know of any place that is special to her anymore and that feels so wrong to me. I just can't see how I'm going to ever really know her, because I can't see any reason that she would change. And then what will happen? I'll regret that I never knew her, and hate myself for the fact that there was nothing I could do to get to know her.


    and most of all, I wish I had the strength to tell her so. But I'm weak and frightened, and lonely and I wish my dad would keep his promise that they would both stop. The replies aare helping, thankyou so much. This is a good place to let it all out, with no fear that anyone will find out its me.

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Updated: April 4, 2012
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