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I'm worried for my brother

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    Firstly I must add I come from a S.Asian Muslim family.

    My parents are very religious, my mum prays 5 times. My dad is the type of person you shut up and listen to when he speaks as he demands respect. My brother is somebody I have looked up to all my life, that is until he started university. Since he started university this year, he started going to clubs, which I thought fair enough he probably just wanted to experience it. He also has a girlfriend who he regularly has sex with. He tells me that he goes to clubs but doesn't drink, doesn't talk about his sex life but I have overheard him talking to his girlfriend (who is white) about their sex life.

    To your average Joe this may not seem like an issue. But to an average S.Asian Muslim they could probably see where this is going.

    I know this isn't going to end well a couple of years down the line their is going to be some problems. The problem is I don't know how to explain this to him, as whenever the subject arises he just gets angry and switches the subject. I cannot talk to any other family members about it because well they're Asian and it will not end well.

    I don't really have a question this is just something that is on my mind that I wanted to get out and see if anybody has any similar stories or advice they could offer me.
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    i'd tell your dad to knock it down a peg or two if i were him. Family is democracy, not dictatorship.
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    I had an Asian housemate who went on this track when she came to Uni, she had a white boyfriend drank a lot, soft drugs etc etc. She did have a slightly more liberal older brother though, who knew what she was like and accepted it. Her little sister however did not. Her family ended up disowning her effectively and she hasn't seen them in over a year. It's a real shame to see someone lose their family over something so silly
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Firstly I must add I come from a S.Asian Muslim family.

    My parents are very religious, my mum prays 5 times. My dad is the type of person you shut up and listen to when he speaks as he demands respect. My brother is somebody I have looked up to all my life, that is until he started university. Since he started university this year, he started going to clubs, which I thought fair enough he probably just wanted to experience it. He also has a girlfriend who he regularly has sex with. He tells me that he goes to clubs but doesn't drink, doesn't talk about his sex life but I have overheard him talking to his girlfriend (who is white) about their sex life.

    To your average Joe this may not seem like an issue. But to an average S.Asian Muslim they could probably see where this is going.

    I know this isn't going to end well a couple of years down the line their is going to be some problems. The problem is I don't know how to explain this to him, as whenever the subject arises he just gets angry and switches the subject. I cannot talk to any other family members about it because well they're Asian and it will not end well.

    I don't really have a question this is just something that is on my mind that I wanted to get out and see if anybody has any similar stories or advice they could offer me.
    i don't understand why you keep referring to your family as "S.Asian". and i honestly don't think that should play a role in how your brother wants to live his life. your identity being a part of you is all fine and dandy, but it can't get in the way of your hopes and dreams. what if your brother has always wanted to 'break out' of such a label, and doesn't want to be pigeonholed? what if he's just liberal and open-minded, and wishes to actively seek his own pleasure?

    instead of being worried for him, think about yourself and whether you're not suppressing your own desires too. there is nothing to be 'worried' about. faith changes with time, and even an old book has to keep up in a modern context. things work differently today, that's the bottom line.

    in my eyes, we're free to do what we like, so as long as we're not harming those around us. in a nutshell: let your brother do what he wants! as cliche as it is, you only live once.
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    its his life and he should be able to live it how he sees fit, especially as hes not doing anything wrong. you must remember this is Great Britain not south east asia and as such cultural norms here dont forbid any of this.
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    (Original post by ziziii)
    i don't understand why you keep referring to your family as "S.Asian". and i honestly don't think that should play a role in how your brother wants to live his life. your identity being a part of you is all fine and dandy, but it can't get in the way of your hopes and dreams. what if your brother has always wanted to 'break out' of such a label, and doesn't want to be pigeonholed? what if he's just liberal and open-minded, and wishes to actively seek his own pleasure?

    instead of being worried for him, think about yourself and whether you're not suppressing your own desires too. there is nothing to be 'worried' about. faith changes with time, and even an old book has to keep up in a modern context. things work differently today, that's the bottom line.

    in my eyes, we're free to do what we like, so as long as we're not harming those around us. in a nutshell: let your brother do what he wants! as cliche as it is, you only live once.
    I keep referring to my ethnic origin as it is a cultural issue as well as religious. Never really thought about it that way though whether he always wanted to "break out". But maybe I'll never know as he doesn't even talk about it to me and I'm the one he is most open to in the family.
    Myself. To be honest I don't really have much desires I'm the type of person that keeps myself to myself and a few close friends, I don't really have any desire to go out clubbing or drinking as I don't think I'll enjoy it.
    I understand faith changes but I do not want it to end in such a way where he gets disowned and loses connections with the family but maybe that is inevitable.
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    (Original post by Bezaberry)
    I had an Asian housemate who went on this track when she came to Uni, she had a white boyfriend drank a lot, soft drugs etc etc. She did have a slightly more liberal older brother though, who knew what she was like and accepted it. Her little sister however did not. Her family ended up disowning her effectively and she hasn't seen them in over a year. It's a real shame to see someone lose their family over something so silly
    That is what I'm worried about, I'm fairly liberal but I just know this is going to end up with disowning or worse in a couple of years.
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    If he's happy, leave him alone and mind your own business? Religion should not dictate how one chooses to live their life.
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    He's growing up. His parents can't control what he does forever. Let him do what he wants and he'll learn from his mistakes. Considering you're from a strict Asian family, I can see why having a white girlfriend may be a problem for your parents. But it's a risk they were willing to take when they moved to England I'm afraid. Who knows, he may be in love

    Also, it's good that you've been looking up to him. I wish I had a brother to look up to. But he's at uni now, and what he's started doing (i.e. clubbing and having a girlfriend) doesn't mean you should stop looking up to him! In fact, if you see that as a mistake, then let it be a lesson to yourself not to lose your parents' respect in the same way in the near future.
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    He's an adult, there's not very much you can do. Maybe he feels he can't talk about because he knows how his family would react. I think that you need to respect that he's an adult who can make informed decisions and just be there for him if there are issues that arise.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Firstly I must add I come from a S.Asian Muslim family.

    My parents are very religious, my mum prays 5 times. My dad is the type of person you shut up and listen to when he speaks as he demands respect. My brother is somebody I have looked up to all my life, that is until he started university. Since he started university this year, he started going to clubs, which I thought fair enough he probably just wanted to experience it. He also has a girlfriend who he regularly has sex with. He tells me that he goes to clubs but doesn't drink, doesn't talk about his sex life but I have overheard him talking to his girlfriend (who is white) about their sex life.

    To your average Joe this may not seem like an issue. But to an average S.Asian Muslim they could probably see where this is going.

    I know this isn't going to end well a couple of years down the line their is going to be some problems. The problem is I don't know how to explain this to him, as whenever the subject arises he just gets angry and switches the subject. I cannot talk to any other family members about it because well they're Asian and it will not end well.

    I don't really have a question this is just something that is on my mind that I wanted to get out and see if anybody has any similar stories or advice they could offer me.
    Well I completely understand what you mean, cuz my family is also S.asian and extremely orthodox in terms of the way we live life. Personally, you can't really change your brother now and it will definitely lead to family problems in the future cuz his cultural mentality is slowly changing and is developing more of a british (I'm assuming you're from Britain cuz I feel like it lol) culture but the only thing you can do is not to follow in your brothers footsteps and hope for the best.
    Similar things happened to my cousins if it makes you feel any better!
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Super Mario 64)
    He's growing up. His parents can't control what he does forever. Let him do what he wants and he'll learn from his mistakes. Considering you're from a strict Asian family, I can see why having a white girlfriend may be a problem for your parents. But it's a risk they were willing to take when they moved to England I'm afraid. Who knows, he may be in love

    Also, it's good that you've been looking up to him. I wish I had a brother to look up to. But he's at uni now, and what he's started doing (i.e. clubbing and having a girlfriend) doesn't mean you should stop looking up to him! In fact, if you see that as a mistake, then let it be a lesson to yourself not to lose your parents' respect in the same way in the near future.
    There are other reasons I have stopped looking upto him including reasons such as ringing only when he needs something doing, doesn't talk to me about anything unlike before and whenever he does it's for a "favour".

    I must add that his parents don't know anything about this and I somehow feel guilty when he lies blatantly to our parents about things he's doing.
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    Coming from a strict family, he's obv enjoying university to get away from it all. OP, you might do the same.
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    Just give some time, because theres always a phase that one will go through, and that they'll need to overcome.
    And insha'allah he'll soon find his mistake, and learn from it, and become a BETTEr person than he was before.
    Just be hopeful.
    And if you think it's going on for too long, just sit down and have a serious talk with him (which he obbviously won't like), because they see it as 'its my life, why you intruding bla di bla). But soon they'll realise. Patience is what you need to have right now. And i'm talking from experience
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    (Original post by yothi5)
    Coming from a strict family, he's obv enjoying university to get away from it all. OP, you might do the same.
    I'm very open with my parents about what I do. My going out consists of "chilling" out with some mates at a friends house. I've never lied to my parents, I've never had a need to. The strictness doesn't really affect me.
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    Are you worried about your brother for his own sake, or worried about what his actions might do to your family? I can understand the latter a lot more than I can understand the former. In the case of the latter I would be surprised if either your parents or your brother backed down from their position, as your parents are strict and set in their ways and your brother sounds like he has settled into his new lifestyle and enjoys it, so it's naturally an unpleasant situation for you to be between them - I honestly don't know what to advise to make that situation better. If you're worried about your brother in himself though, I think it would probably be wise for you to be more open to his new lifestyle. Nothing you've described makes it sound like he's causing himself or anyone else any harm, and while I know it is difficult to adapt to new ideas when you've been brought up in a strict household, it will probably help you in the long run if you're able to understand and accept his choices even if they are very different to the ones you would make.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Firstly I must add I come from a S.Asian Muslim family.

    My parents are very religious, my mum prays 5 times. My dad is the type of person you shut up and listen to when he speaks as he demands respect. My brother is somebody I have looked up to all my life, that is until he started university. Since he started university this year, he started going to clubs, which I thought fair enough he probably just wanted to experience it. He also has a girlfriend who he regularly has sex with. He tells me that he goes to clubs but doesn't drink, doesn't talk about his sex life but I have overheard him talking to his girlfriend (who is white) about their sex life.

    To your average Joe this may not seem like an issue. But to an average S.Asian Muslim they could probably see where this is going.

    I know this isn't going to end well a couple of years down the line their is going to be some problems. The problem is I don't know how to explain this to him, as whenever the subject arises he just gets angry and switches the subject. I cannot talk to any other family members about it because well they're Asian and it will not end well.

    I don't really have a question this is just something that is on my mind that I wanted to get out and see if anybody has any similar stories or advice they could offer me.
    Have you got any cousins or relatives who are S.Asian Muslims that you can trust and talk about this with? My advice is just tell him to be safe and calm down a bit. Don't tell your parents because I think that will do more harm than good.
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Chumbaniya)
    Are you worried about your brother for his own sake, or worried about what his actions might do to your family? I can understand the latter a lot more than I can understand the former. In the case of the latter I would be surprised if either your parents or your brother backed down from their position, as your parents are strict and set in their ways and your brother sounds like he has settled into his new lifestyle and enjoys it, so it's naturally an unpleasant situation for you to be between them - I honestly don't know what to advise to make that situation better. If you're worried about your brother in himself though, I think it would probably be wise for you to be more open to his new lifestyle. Nothing you've described makes it sound like he's causing himself or anyone else any harm, and while I know it is difficult to adapt to new ideas when you've been brought up in a strict household, it will probably help you in the long run if you're able to understand and accept his choices even if they are very different to the ones you would make.
    I'm worried about both to be honest I feel like I'm in the middle of this.

    (Original post by Luxray)
    Have you got any cousins or relatives who are S.Asian Muslims that you can trust and talk about this with? My advice is just tell him to be safe and calm down a bit. Don't tell your parents because I think that will do more harm than good.
    Yeah but they have pretty strict views or I'm not close enough to them to feel comfortable to talk to them about it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Firstly I must add I come from a S.Asian Muslim family.

    My parents are very religious, my mum prays 5 times. My dad is the type of person you shut up and listen to when he speaks as he demands respect. My brother is somebody I have looked up to all my life, that is until he started university. Since he started university this year, he started going to clubs, which I thought fair enough he probably just wanted to experience it. He also has a girlfriend who he regularly has sex with. He tells me that he goes to clubs but doesn't drink, doesn't talk about his sex life but I have overheard him talking to his girlfriend (who is white) about their sex life.

    To your average Joe this may not seem like an issue. But to an average S.Asian Muslim they could probably see where this is going.

    I know this isn't going to end well a couple of years down the line their is going to be some problems. The problem is I don't know how to explain this to him, as whenever the subject arises he just gets angry and switches the subject. I cannot talk to any other family members about it because well they're Asian and it will not end well.

    I don't really have a question this is just something that is on my mind that I wanted to get out and see if anybody has any similar stories or advice they could offer me.
    So your telling me non of the family knows about your brothers relationships apart from you?

    Also does your brother not care about his religion? Does he not realise what the end result of all this would be. If your dad finds out.
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Golden_Boy786)
    So your telling me non of the family knows about your brothers relationships apart from you?

    Also does your brother not care about his religion?
    Does he not realise what the end result of all this would be. If your dad finds out.
    Yes.

    Evidently not.

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