Results are out! Find what you need...fast. Get quick advice or join the chat
Hey there Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

The start of my novel. Tell me what you think.

Announcements Posted on
    • Thread Starter
    • 1 follower
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Hello, i have decided to attempt to write my own novel and would love any feedback or constructive criticism you may have. Tell me what you really think, I have only written the first couple of paragraphs, so there is tonnes of room for improvement. Thanks so much.

    Chapter one

    Lying in bed, eyes wide open. Bastian blinked, wondering what had awoken him from the warm embrace of Morpheus. He clutched his arm and quickly inhaled the humid air. Pulling back the sheep skin blankets he glanced down at the discoloured black and blue markings. Moaning with the agonising pain, Bastian managed to rub the sleep from his cerulean eyes to clear his vision.

    His father had told him not to wander off into the Clayton woods, but the place was a world full of mystery and wonder, especially in the autumn where the secret pine trails were non-existent, covered with a blanket of brown and burnt orange. Tall oak trees stood proudly at either side of the forest trail, interlocking their twisted branches forming a canopy blocking out the natural light. Bastian thought the place to be a safe haven, where he could rest against the rough bark of a younger tree listening to the Shally falls crash against sedimentary rock.

    Through his ignorance he convinced himself that nothing in this transcendent world would ever betray him, however even the neighbours playful pet dog is capable of turning belligerent when a potential threat enters his home.

    Bastian propped his back against a shallow rock overlooking the river Peneus, named after the Greek god himself. The glossy water became ever still in the sultry afternoon, a perfect day to paint a memory that will last a lifetime.
    • 47 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Hi,
    First of all, thank you for posting the beginning of your novel on here. I would like to begin by saying that starting a novel can be a very difficult and arduous task, but I wish you every success. I think that the issues at the moment are the descriptiveness and your plot. The descriptiveness of the passage is very, very poetic and while this is nice, there's perhaps too much of it. The descriptive nature of the passage pulls the plot apart a little bit and actually stifles it. I would almost suggest considering poetry as an activity alongside the novel because you may have a flair for that. The plot doesn't seem to develop at all. While you have to form an introduction, the plot needs to develop from the outset and I feel that you are lacking that at the moment.

    A good start, but there's a long way to go and certainly make sure that you plot develops and isn't bogged down from the start.

    I look forward to seeing your work develop,

    toronto353
    • 1 follower
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    There's a quote from kurt vonnegut (sorry to quote him like everyone does but it's appropriate) "Every sentence must do one of two things — reveal character or advance the action" which i always find handy to keep in mind because i too sometimes indulge, even more than you, in purple prose.

    However it's your first draft and first drafts are meant to be terrible.

    Good luck, and have fun with it.
    • Thread Starter
    • 1 follower
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Thank you both for your comments. I might have gotten a little carried away with the description and aim to change that. Your feedback has really helped me further my ideas so thank you again. xx
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    I liked it.

    Although you might consider my opinion as a mere member of the public. But hey, who's going to buy your novels?
    • 3 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Is this going to be fantasy? I'm just curious, because there's already a rather famous Bastian in another fantasy novel

    I get carried away with description too, when I write. I always aim to cut it out in the second draft. I believe it was Stephen King who said that in the second draft, you should try to cut out 10% of what you wrote in the first. That's not my advice but I think it's quite good advice, nonetheless.

    Good luck in your writing!
    • Thread Starter
    • 1 follower
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Thank you
    Yes it is going to be a fantasy but I didn't realise there was another Bastien. I'll complete this draft first then make alterations, thats good advice
    • 11 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Great start.

    But my advice would be to try and use one characters name only once in a paragraph.

    Good Luck and enjoy your foray into the chimerical world! :thumbsup:

    <3 x
    • 1 follower
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    As long as your character isn't called Bastien Balthazar Bux...
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Personally, i think you are trying to fit in too much right in the beginning. I could, at least i think i could feel how is the novel's direction going to be. I know its exactly opposite to what many have said here, but go slow and build gradually withe more details.
    That said, it calls for great courage to even plan on writing a novel! All the best with your endeavours!
    • 10 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    I think its excellent not to flowery a perfect balance. Its slightly tight though think of the flow when writing.
    • 2 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Too many adjectives :holmes:

Reply

Submit reply

Register

Thanks for posting! You just need to create an account in order to submit the post
  1. this can't be left blank
    that username has been taken, please choose another Forgotten your password?
  2. this can't be left blank
    this email is already registered. Forgotten your password?
  3. this can't be left blank

    6 characters or longer with both numbers and letters is safer

  4. this can't be left empty
    your full birthday is required
  1. By joining you agree to our Ts and Cs, privacy policy and site rules

  2. Slide to join now Processing…

Updated: April 9, 2012
New on TSR

So how did you do?

Come into the GCSE forum to share your grades

Article updates
Useful resources

Quick link:

Unanswered creative corner threads

Groups associated with this forum:

View associated groups
Reputation gems:
You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.