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A Wound With A View. My resurrection.

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    This is a script/story I wrote a while back. It has several chapters and follows the life of some women.

    Was really popular on another forum when I wrote it a good few months a go. Let me know what you think.

    Chapter One:

    Scene: High-street.

    Mary: Hey Janice, long time no see, how are you?

    Janice: Not too good really, you?

    Mary: I'm grand, thank you. What's up with you?

    Janice: Long story really, but John tried to kill me last night.

    Mary: you're joking me?

    *Mary spits out her orange*

    Janice: I wish I was, but no. I managed to flee the flat and my neighbour rang the police. I'm not pressing charges. It's the last thing I want.

    Mary: How awful. You won't go back to him, will you? I know things have been hard, but you deserve better mate.

    Janice: No, no. Definitely not. That's it now. I have nowhere to stay as the flat's his, but Mum and Dad have been wonderful and just trying to move on now. If it wasn't for them then I'd be in the gutter. I have no money and he's taken everything I had.

    Mary: Why don't you come over to mine tonight? Let your hair down and have a few drinks with me and the girls. I can put the kids to sleep early.

    Janice: I'd love that. We have a lot to talk about.

    Mary: Good. I can pick you up from your Mum's at 7, if that is OK with you? I have a plan, Jan, to sort this all out. We're all struggling financially at the moment and I only live down the road so don't ever feel a stranger. We're all here for you and always have been.

    Janice: That means so much, thank you.

    Mary: It's my pleasure. I won't ever forget the support you gave me when the house burnt down. You've been there for me and we're all here for you. Forget about John and focus on the people around you who love you. I've got to pick the kids up now from school, but be ready for 7 and I'll pap my hooter when I'm outside.

    * Mary kisses the weak and fragile Janice on the cheak before walking in the opposite direction to pick up her kids*

    "Bobby, Amy", Mary shouted as she saw her two tots at the school gates.

    "Miss Gammolex", shouted a poshly dressed man as he flapped his legs fiercely towards Mary.

    "Run", said Mary to her kids. Knowing the teacher would only be wanting school fees that hadn't and couldn't be paid for.

    *Sisters Fammy and Michelle wait outside Mary's house*

    Fammy: What time did she say she would be back?

    Michelle: Anytime now. She is just collecting the children from school then coming straight home.

    Fammy: Talk of the devil.

    *Mary, Bobby and Amy could be seen walking up the road that Mary's house situated on *
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    I want my three minutes back.
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    (Original post by Thomas x)
    This is a script/story I wrote a while back. It has several chapters and follows the life of some women.

    Was really popular on another forum when I wrote it a good few months a go. Let me know what you think.

    Chapter One:

    Scene: High-street.

    Mary: Hey Janice, long time no see, how are you?

    Janice: Not too good really, you?

    Mary: I'm grand, thank you. What's up with you?

    Janice: Long story really, but John tried to kill me last night.


    Mary: you're joking me?

    *Mary spits out her orange*

    Janice: I wish I was, but no. I managed to flee the flat and my neighbour rang the police. I'm not pressing charges. It's the last thing I want.

    Mary: How awful. You won't go back to him, will you? I know things have been hard, but you deserve better mate.

    Janice: No, no. Definitely not. That's it now. I have nowhere to stay as the flat's his, but Mum and Dad have been wonderful and just trying to move on now. If it wasn't for them then I'd be in the gutter. I have no money and he's taken everything I had.

    Mary: Why don't you come over to mine tonight? Let your hair down and have a few drinks with me and the girls. I can put the kids to sleep early.

    Janice: I'd love that. We have a lot to talk about.

    Mary: Good. I can pick you up from your Mum's at 7, if that is OK with you? I have a plan, Jan, to sort this all out. We're all struggling financially at the moment and I only live down the road so don't ever feel a stranger. We're all here for you and always have been.

    Janice: That means so much, thank you.

    Mary: It's my pleasure. I won't ever forget the support you gave me when the house burnt down. You've been there for me and we're all here for you. Forget about John and focus on the people around you who love you. I've got to pick the kids up now from school, but be ready for 7 and I'll pap my hooter when I'm outside.

    * Mary kisses the weak and fragile Janice on the cheak before walking in the opposite direction to pick up her kids*

    "Bobby, Amy", Mary shouted as she saw her two tots at the school gates.

    "Miss Gammolex", shouted a poshly dressed man as he flapped his legs fiercely towards Mary.

    "Run", said Mary to her kids. Knowing the teacher would only be wanting school fees that hadn't and couldn't be paid for.

    *Sisters Fammy and Michelle wait outside Mary's house*

    Fammy: What time did she say she would be back?

    Michelle: Anytime now. She is just collecting the children from school then coming straight home.

    Fammy: Talk of the devil.

    *Mary, Bobby and Amy could be seen walking up the road that Mary's house situated on *
    That bit made me laugh so much, is this supposed to be a comedy?
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    (Original post by areebmazhar)
    That bit made me laugh so much, is this supposed to be a comedy?
    When I started it no, but it got good responses on another forum I posted it on a while back so I kind of play on it a bit later on.
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    (Original post by Thomas x)
    When I started it no, but it got good responses on another forum I posted it on a while back so I kind of play on it a bit later on.
    I'm no expert on this sort of stuff, but it was funny, a nice little read
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    Hi,
    First of all thank you for posting your work. Since I'm not too sure whether you intend this to be a script for a play or just a story, I'll review it more generally. The first thing that I would say is that you need to develop your characterisation a lot more. Because you're moving in and out of scenes very quickly, we don't have the time to really connect with the characters and there's perhaps too much going on in this first chapter to allow us to actually connect with any particular character. The casual way that attempted murder is treated in is refreshing to an extent, but it's a peculiar opening and I think that it seems a little too casual. That said, it's not developed majorly and so the thread of that storyline doesn't seem to move on much. If you were to stage this, you have to consider that so many quick scene changes would be difficult to actually do so considering staging while writing may help you to develop your characters a little more. There is a refreshing quality about the dialogue and it seems natural so well done on that.

    Working on your characters and plot while considering staging will help to move this on a little more, though of course this is only the very start. It's promising, but we need stronger characterisation now to move this to the next level.

    Great work and I look forward to seeing how this develops,

    toronto353
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    (Original post by toronto353)
    Hi,
    First of all thank you for posting your work. Since I'm not too sure whether you intend this to be a script for a play or just a story, I'll review it more generally. The first thing that I would say is that you need to develop your characterisation a lot more. Because you're moving in and out of scenes very quickly, we don't have the time to really connect with the characters and there's perhaps too much going on in this first chapter to allow us to actually connect with any particular character. The casual way that attempted murder is treated in is refreshing to an extent, but it's a peculiar opening and I think that it seems a little too casual. That said, it's not developed majorly and so the thread of that storyline doesn't seem to move on much. If you were to stage this, you have to consider that so many quick scene changes would be difficult to actually do so considering staging while writing may help you to develop your characters a little more. There is a refreshing quality about the dialogue and it seems natural so well done on that.

    Working on your characters and plot while considering staging will help to move this on a little more, though of course this is only the very start. It's promising, but we need stronger characterisation now to move this to the next level.

    Great work and I look forward to seeing how this develops,

    toronto353
    Awww, thank you darling.

    I love making others happy. It gets more 'wild' shall we say, but I'd like a few more responses before I post more. It's quite a long story really and develops. I started it half seriously, but then got quite daft with it.

    I do love to write. Especially when others appreciate it, but I have the attention span of a goldfish. I've sometimes decided to start writing then deleted what I've written as I just lose the will to live.

    I appreciate your feedback.
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    (Original post by Thomas x)
    Awww, thank you darling.

    I love making others happy. It gets more 'wild' shall we say, but I'd like a few more responses before I post more. It's quite a long story really and develops. I started it half seriously, but then got quite daft with it.

    I do love to write. Especially when others appreciate it, but I have the attention span of a goldfish. I've sometimes decided to start writing then deleted what I've written as I just lose the will to live.

    I appreciate your feedback.
    It can be difficult to keep your attention fixed on one idea and I have exactly the same problem when writing at times because you have idea after idea so I like to plan a little, then slowly expand the plan to encompass new ideas as they come and you're welcome. It's nice to have all this excellent work to look at/ listen to/ read. It's a lovely community as well.
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    (Original post by toronto353)
    It can be difficult to keep your attention fixed on one idea and I have exactly the same problem when writing at times because you have idea after idea so I like to plan a little, then slowly expand the plan to encompass new ideas as they come and you're welcome. It's nice to have all this excellent work to look at/ listen to/ read. It's a lovely community as well.
    Yeah. I often don't know where to look on here. I don't come on much, but will try to. Was feeling down in the dumps earlier so came on to pick myself up.

    Yeah, earlier I just decided to start writing. Didn't really know where I was going, but just wrote down different stuff. A story, but a very, very drafty sort. I can then keep adding to it if I want.
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    (Original post by Thomas x)
    This is a script/story I wrote a while back. It has several chapters and follows the life of some women.

    Was really popular on another forum when I wrote it a good few months a go. Let me know what you think.

    Chapter One:

    Scene: High-street.

    Mary: Hey Janice, long time no see, how are you?

    Janice: Not too good really, you?

    Mary: I'm grand, thank you. What's up with you?

    Janice: Long story really, but John tried to kill me last night.

    Mary: you're joking me?

    *Mary spits out her orange*

    Janice: I wish I was, but no. I managed to flee the flat and my neighbour rang the police. I'm not pressing charges. It's the last thing I want.

    Mary: How awful. You won't go back to him, will you? I know things have been hard, but you deserve better mate.

    Janice: No, no. Definitely not. That's it now. I have nowhere to stay as the flat's his, but Mum and Dad have been wonderful and just trying to move on now. If it wasn't for them then I'd be in the gutter. I have no money and he's taken everything I had.

    Mary: Why don't you come over to mine tonight? Let your hair down and have a few drinks with me and the girls. I can put the kids to sleep early.

    Janice: I'd love that. We have a lot to talk about.

    Mary: Good. I can pick you up from your Mum's at 7, if that is OK with you? I have a plan, Jan, to sort this all out. We're all struggling financially at the moment and I only live down the road so don't ever feel a stranger. We're all here for you and always have been.

    Janice: That means so much, thank you.

    Mary: It's my pleasure. I won't ever forget the support you gave me when the house burnt down. You've been there for me and we're all here for you. Forget about John and focus on the people around you who love you. I've got to pick the kids up now from school, but be ready for 7 and I'll pap my hooter when I'm outside.

    * Mary kisses the weak and fragile Janice on the cheak before walking in the opposite direction to pick up her kids*

    "Bobby, Amy", Mary shouted as she saw her two tots at the school gates.

    "Miss Gammolex", shouted a poshly dressed man as he flapped his legs fiercely towards Mary.

    "Run", said Mary to her kids. Knowing the teacher would only be wanting school fees that hadn't and couldn't be paid for.

    *Sisters Fammy and Michelle wait outside Mary's house*

    Fammy: What time did she say she would be back?

    Michelle: Anytime now. She is just collecting the children from school then coming straight home.

    Fammy: Talk of the devil.

    *Mary, Bobby and Amy could be seen walking up the road that Mary's house situated on *
    I can't judge it based on that as nothing has happened. What is the basic plot of the whole thing and I will tell you what I think.
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    (Original post by internetguru)
    I can't judge it based on that as nothing has happened. What is the basic plot of the whole thing and I will tell you what I think.
    Few housewives go to desperate lengths to survive. Lots of drama, upset, laughs....
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    (Original post by Thomas x)
    Few housewives go to desperate lengths to survive. Lots of drama, upset, laughs....
    Doesn't sound like my kind of thing.
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    (Original post by Thomas x)
    Yeah. I often don't know where to look on here. I don't come on much, but will try to. Was feeling down in the dumps earlier so came on to pick myself up.

    Yeah, earlier I just decided to start writing. Didn't really know where I was going, but just wrote down different stuff. A story, but a very, very drafty sort. I can then keep adding to it if I want.
    When I tend to review work, I just find what I like the look of and then go from there really. People use different methods to develop their stories. Some just let the story flow so it may be the case with you. I think that you need to look at characters though, but then that said, you may develop that more over time.
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    Part 2::::


    “Sorry I'm late. Popped into Mary on the way to the school”
    “Mary Cornea?”, asked Michelle, Fammy looking in all of a dream and unwell.
    “Yeah. I'll tell you about it when we get inside, but I invited her over for 7. I will pick her up if you two could settle the kids to bed?”
    “Yeah, no worries”
    “Fammy”, asked Mary.
    “FAMMY!”
    “Fammy you OK?”, said the concerned sister.

    Fammy's complexion turned white, her lips turning purple and her legs looking like jelly.

    Fammy hit the decking outside the house.

    “****, Mish ring an ambulance”, declared Mary.
    “I haven't got a phone”, “Fammy, Fammy, you OK?”, cried Michelle.

    Amy and Bobby stared in awe and looks of bewilderment as Fammy lay sprawled out on the decking, showing no sign of consciousness. Mary reached into her bag for the front door keys, shouting at her children to go upstairs and wait. Inside, Mary picked up the land-line and shakingly dialled three 9s.

    “Hurry, please, hurry”, cried a terrified Michelle from outside.

    “999 Emergency Service, what service do you require”

    “Ambulance”, trembled Mary.

    “Ambulance, what's wrong?”, replied an emergency operator

    “My best friend's sister has collapsed outside my house. We don't think think she's breathing”

    “Stay calm please. We'll have someone with you as soon as possible. What's your address?”

    “62 Born Avenue. Please hurry. I don't know what to do”

    “An ambulance is on way. What's your name?”

    “Mary....Mary Gammolex”

    “OK Mary. I'm Bob. The ambulance is on its way. What is your sister's friend's name?”

    “Fammy Hedgeburn”

    A slight pause triggered the sound of sirens. The ambulance could be heard approaching in the distance.

    “The ambulance is here”

    Without a care for Bob, Michelle dropped the receiver back into its holder.

    “It's my sister, sister. Fammy, she just collapsed”, wailed Michelle at one of the paramedics.

    “Fammy, can you hear me? Fammy, Fammy. I'm a paramedic and we're here to help you”.

    The one paramedic tried to engage any response from an unconscious Fammy. The other paramedic appeared from behind the ambulance with a stretcher and defibrillators.

    “Is she going to be OK?”, asked Mary who seemed to be more calm knowing the paramedics were attending to Fammy.

    The paramedics ignored Mary and instead lifted Fammy up onto the stretcher.

    “I'm coming with her”, demanded Michelle.

    Fammy was lifted up into the back of the ambulance. Mary told Michelle that she'd put the children to bed early and meet her at the hospital as soon as possible.

    As Mary went to shut her front door, her back to the ambulance, the sound of the ambulance's ventilator let out a continuous beep.

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