(Original post by Anonymous)
Please respond kindly, I am really worried about this isssue. Also, I have no intention to attack any gay people through this post so please dont misunderstand.
I am 20 years old.
Since school, I have been round and chubby and have had certain 'womanly' attributes such as larger nipples, and man boobs. I would thus always be fascinated by how men with stronger features (jawlines, large pecks, broad shoulders, abs) and at one point I just started liking the way they look. But some part of me wants to look like that rather than want that for myself.
Fast forward 8 years, I am in better shape although no where close to having a TV-star body. I have had a girlfriend who I was sexually active with, and I am attracted to girls in general.
Regardless, sometimes I find myself watching gay porn on the internet and even masturbating to it, and this is something that I have been doing for the last 3 years or so. I also watch straight porn and enjoy it as much, but really depends on the day. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I wont be able to please a girl with my own physical attributes (5 inch penis, unbuilt body), but I would better fit in bed with another guy. I have also, occasionally tried masturbating with anal stimulation but haven't enjoyed it as much. Also, every time I masturbate to gay porn, I feel really bad about it immediately afterwards.
For me, gay porn is not regular however, and this does not happen on days I am feeling more confident about myself (for instance, I would do this incredibly rarely when i was in a relationship and never after I have a good day after flirting with girls and feeling like girls are possibly attracted to me).
I can never imagine being sexually active with a guy, as I do have a lot of male friends (some very good looking) and I never felt attracted to them. I do find people i dont know attractive at times.
My attraction also lies on TV stars, and male porn stars who have really good manly features, and stuff I really want myself to have for my own body. But then again I get so turned on by these things!
I must add that I also the kind of person who is a bit of an over achiever in many things in life, and most of the time i wonder about having it all (looks money prestige). Sometimes I think this is just an incredibly strange manifestation of my narcissism, as weird as that sounds.
Am I overly narcissistic and demanding? Has this happened to anyone? Confidence issues, or am i gay?