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Does anyone here lead a double life???

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    Na, I could but I just cba

    But everyone does think that I am a lot happier than I actually am as I never really open up to anyone...so I suppose emotionally I kind of am.
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    (Original post by frenchfries)
    95% of young British Asians,especially females

    EDIT:why am i getting negged? Its a fact!
    My parents generally know where i am and what im up to, i dont act differently to them than to others, maybe more politely and with more respect but that's it.
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    i used to live a life where i was screaming inside my own head and smiling on the outside

    Since start of 2012 ive been happy and dont do that
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    I'm 17 years old and don't really have anything to hide. However, once I go to university, I will probably have to live a double life, because my parents wouldn't be happy with me going clubbing, drinking and having sex . And yes, I am Asian, and consider myself a Muslim.
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    By day I'm a simple and modest plain jane, by night I'm Samantha Brick
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    (Original post by Aisha~~)
    I think I live a triple life in fairness. Home me, friends me, and then me that only comes out at night and comes inside at pelvic thrust times.
    I know right. :cool:
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    (Original post by Vixen47)
    No. I dont see the point and I have too much respect for my parents and siblings to go against their wishes. I've seen what double lives can do to people and their families and I would never wish the consequences on my relationship with family. I doubt my family will care so much but I dont want them to feel any sort of resentment toward me because ever since my sister found out about my eating disorder shes been really different with me so I cant imagine what she would do if she found out I lead a double life, should I ever choose to.

    I understand why some people do; like my cousin sister and her brother who used to go out clubbing, he would drink, she wouldnt but she'd lie for him to us and their parents, she would go around with boys and he with girls etc. This was all because they couldnt stand being at home because their mum wasnt a "very nice person" *ahem* she was a total bitch *ahem*. Everything changed in the last few months because their mum realised what kind of person she was and the amount of pain she made everyone go through and when she changed my cousin sister started changing for the better. (When I say better, I mean better in the eyes of a Muslim.) A few months ago my cousin sister's dad died and she stopped all that crappy behaviour (again, through they eyes of Islam) and has grown up and matured. So has her mum.

    A lot of asian girls and boys become the way they are because:
    A. Their parents were raised in an extremely strict environment where "im your parent, you respect me, i dont have to respect you" was the norm so because a lot kids today have the ability to just walk out their house and do what they want and go against their parents wishes, they do so. They find that their parents dont respect them in a way that would like to so they start rebelling to get even and show their parents who's boss. When everything ****s up in/with their double life they quickly go back running into their parents arms and the vast minority realise how lucky they are to have their parents accept them after everything they did. I'm refering back to my cousin sister here.
    B. Their friends do it. i.e.peer pressure
    C. Their parents feel as though theyre losing control over their kids so they try to lay down the law and be even more strict but it backfires and their kids go to their friends to escape.
    D. In a similar instance the kids try too hard to be more westernised and when it comes to things like wearing make up or certain fashion choices, they go all out! For example, with make up, I'm sure you guys have seen the caked up fake ups who look more like drag queens than anything. Or these stupid little Asian street kids who thinks they own the streets but inside they're scared, confused and feel so lost in the world like the rest of us. I'm referring to my cousin brother here. I can't imagine how many times my dad had to convince his dad to take his son back. My dad literally had to bail my cousin brother out of jail about 8 years ago because his dad had given up on him. His dad was such a good man and this is a man who was not just good on the exterior - he was like a glass window - what you saw was what you got. Literally everybody loved him, it's a shame his daughter realised after he died and its a bigger shame that the rest of his kids havent realised yet because they're selfishly caught up in their "double lives"
    E. Social life is richer and more beneficial to the mind than home life so they look to their social life to help them get away from home life because they either cant stand their living standards, their family, or both. Basically, their double life is escapism. My cousins who ya'll must be familliar with by now (lol) live in a 2 bedroom house and when their dad was alive there were 6 of them there. My other cousins have 5 people in a 2 bedroom flat. Both dads use the living room as their bedroom, the mums would sleep on the floor in the girls room and the boys would have their own room. Both famillies are struggling for money and both famillies kids all have double lives except for the youngest who is about 6yo - shes the exception so I'll have to wait about 8 years before I can comment on her lol.


    In my case, I've had brilliant living standards (4 bedroom, semi-detatched house where in which 5 of us live. It was 6 before my sister got married and moved out - I am now the proud owner OF MY OWN ROOM :ahee:). I was never dependent on my parents because I would never see them coz they were always at work. Our relationship was the type where they provided the food on the table and the roof over my head and I was never in trouble so there was peace. If I was lucky I'd catch them on Sunday morning/afternoons before they left for work in the evening, around 6ish. My parents could've chosen to be more strict and control-freakish but they didnt want to be. They're driven by success and money and if that's what makes them happy then it's fine by me. Only recently have I been developing my relationship with my parents because I'm coming home literally EVERY free lesson I have so I get to see them more. So, because my parents aren't so focussed on me - the youngest and only teenager (biologically. I'm well ahead my biological age mentally) in my family (meaning; as long as I'm getting the grades and staying out of trouble which I never got into in the first place, then everything's right with the world), this gives me a whole load of freedom which I prefer to not abuse because the distance between us made my heart grow fonder :love:
    I actually stuck the wrapper of a Milky Bar on my wall because it's the most recent thing my dad bought me! If that's not love, I don't know what is. :rolleyes:
    Also, because my parents were rarely around, my siblings acted as my substitute parents so I followed their lead and am trying to become the best person I can be so that I can benefit those around me, rather than myself. My siblings and I constantly have our uncle's wives (mums sisters in-law who have recently had their first kids) asking us how we've "grown up so well-mannered and respectable to our parents unlike our cousins" (their words) who are basically walking ads for double lives! Our response is always the same - give your kids the kind of respect you want them to give you. I grew up with so much respect for everyone because I learnt it from my siblings who respected me so it would kill me to lie to them by leading a double life. I dont wanna live that kind of a lie, especially when my family's involved. I don't know how people from families like mine do it. Like, what has your family done wrong for you to treat them like this and lie to them? I just dont undetstand it in those cases.


    Sorry if there are a lot of mistakes - I've just written it on my phone and I can feel my thumbs getting stiff and painful lol.
    Hey, would you agree that a lot of kids rebel because there's a lack of understanding? As in, some Asian parents just tell their kids they can't do something, but not why they can't do it. If you don't know why your parents don't want you to do something and you don't like taking orders then you might do it anyway because you don't understand why it's bad/ could lead to something bad?
    #1

    Yes

    By day I am a computer geek who vanquishes the evil viruses and trojans from DA LAPTOPZ

    By night I am AWESOMEMAN getting laid by pulling chicks with big tits!

    jokes, but when I was 19 I used to tell my parents I was popping to a friends house and staying the weekend but really i got a sexy train all the way to london where the fittest girl I have ever had sex with lived and banged her all weekend.
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    i do its kinda different for me;for different people i have different faces but the seem face and its not something i can really control eg-when im with mates im happy but lets say if im with my sister I'll always come across as pretty annoyed
    its weird i know ........but what ya gunna do ?
    #2

    (Original post by frenchfries)
    95% of young British Asians,especially females

    EDIT:why am i getting negged? Its a fact!
    speaking as one, lol, so true
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    (Original post by Vixen47)
    No. I dont see the point and I have too much respect for my parents and siblings to go against their wishes. I've seen what double lives can do to people and their families and I would never wish the consequences on my relationship with family. I doubt my family will care so much but I dont want them to feel any sort of resentment toward me because ever since my sister found out about my eating disorder shes been really different with me so I cant imagine what she would do if she found out I lead a double life, should I ever choose to.

    I understand why some people do; like my cousin sister and her brother who used to go out clubbing, he would drink, she wouldnt but she'd lie for him to us and their parents, she would go around with boys and he with girls etc. This was all because they couldnt stand being at home because their mum wasnt a "very nice person" *ahem* she was a total bitch *ahem*. Everything changed in the last few months because their mum realised what kind of person she was and the amount of pain she made everyone go through and when she changed my cousin sister started changing for the better. (When I say better, I mean better in the eyes of a Muslim.) A few months ago my cousin sister's dad died and she stopped all that crappy behaviour (again, through they eyes of Islam) and has grown up and matured. So has her mum.

    A lot of asian girls and boys become the way they are because:
    A. Their parents were raised in an extremely strict environment where "im your parent, you respect me, i dont have to respect you" was the norm so because a lot kids today have the ability to just walk out their house and do what they want and go against their parents wishes, they do so. They find that their parents dont respect them in a way that would like to so they start rebelling to get even and show their parents who's boss. When everything ****s up in/with their double life they quickly go back running into their parents arms and the vast minority realise how lucky they are to have their parents accept them after everything they did. I'm refering back to my cousin sister here.
    B. Their friends do it. i.e.peer pressure
    C. Their parents feel as though theyre losing control over their kids so they try to lay down the law and be even more strict but it backfires and their kids go to their friends to escape.
    D. In a similar instance the kids try too hard to be more westernised and when it comes to things like wearing make up or certain fashion choices, they go all out! For example, with make up, I'm sure you guys have seen the caked up fake ups who look more like drag queens than anything. Or these stupid little Asian street kids who thinks they own the streets but inside they're scared, confused and feel so lost in the world like the rest of us. I'm referring to my cousin brother here. I can't imagine how many times my dad had to convince his dad to take his son back. My dad literally had to bail my cousin brother out of jail about 8 years ago because his dad had given up on him. His dad was such a good man and this is a man who was not just good on the exterior - he was like a glass window - what you saw was what you got. Literally everybody loved him, it's a shame his daughter realised after he died and its a bigger shame that the rest of his kids havent realised yet because they're selfishly caught up in their "double lives"
    E. Social life is richer and more beneficial to the mind than home life so they look to their social life to help them get away from home life because they either cant stand their living standards, their family, or both. Basically, their double life is escapism. My cousins who ya'll must be familliar with by now (lol) live in a 2 bedroom house and when their dad was alive there were 6 of them there. My other cousins have 5 people in a 2 bedroom flat. Both dads use the living room as their bedroom, the mums would sleep on the floor in the girls room and the boys would have their own room. Both famillies are struggling for money and both famillies kids all have double lives except for the youngest who is about 6yo - shes the exception so I'll have to wait about 8 years before I can comment on her lol.


    In my case, I've had brilliant living standards (4 bedroom, semi-detatched house where in which 5 of us live. It was 6 before my sister got married and moved out - I am now the proud owner OF MY OWN ROOM :ahee:). I was never dependent on my parents because I would never see them coz they were always at work. Our relationship was the type where they provided the food on the table and the roof over my head and I was never in trouble so there was peace. If I was lucky I'd catch them on Sunday morning/afternoons before they left for work in the evening, around 6ish. My parents could've chosen to be more strict and control-freakish but they didnt want to be. They're driven by success and money and if that's what makes them happy then it's fine by me. Only recently have I been developing my relationship with my parents because I'm coming home literally EVERY free lesson I have so I get to see them more. So, because my parents aren't so focussed on me - the youngest and only teenager (biologically. I'm well ahead my biological age mentally) in my family (meaning; as long as I'm getting the grades and staying out of trouble which I never got into in the first place, then everything's right with the world), this gives me a whole load of freedom which I prefer to not abuse because the distance between us made my heart grow fonder :love:
    I actually stuck the wrapper of a Milky Bar on my wall because it's the most recent thing my dad bought me! If that's not love, I don't know what is. :rolleyes:
    Also, because my parents were rarely around, my siblings acted as my substitute parents so I followed their lead and am trying to become the best person I can be so that I can benefit those around me, rather than myself. My siblings and I constantly have our uncle's wives (mums sisters in-law who have recently had their first kids) asking us how we've "grown up so well-mannered and respectable to our parents unlike our cousins" (their words) who are basically walking ads for double lives! Our response is always the same - give your kids the kind of respect you want them to give you. I grew up with so much respect for everyone because I learnt it from my siblings who respected me so it would kill me to lie to them by leading a double life. I dont wanna live that kind of a lie, especially when my family's involved. I don't know how people from families like mine do it. Like, what has your family done wrong for you to treat them like this and lie to them? I just dont undetstand it in those cases.


    Sorry if there are a lot of mistakes - I've just written it on my phone and I can feel my thumbs getting stiff and painful lol.

    May I ask how old you are, just curious..?
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    Depends who I am around.

    I guess that probably makes me fake
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    (Original post by Ayshizzle)
    Hey, would you agree that a lot of kids rebel because there's a lack of understanding? As in, some Asian parents just tell their kids they can't do something, but not why they can't do it. If you don't know why your parents don't want you to do something and you don't like taking orders then you might do it anyway because you don't understand why it's bad/ could lead to something bad?
    Arggghhh. I've been trying to find a way to answer this all day. Literally, all day! I saw it as soon as you posted it and it's now 2.45am - 16 hours later, and yet I still can't think of the words to use! Well done. You're the first person in a very long time to make me feel like this - like I know what I'm thinking but can't get the words out! Lol. Okay, I'm gonna try a new strategy - take this a sentence at a time. Don't mind my loud thoughts and planning on how to reply. Either I'm really tired or this is really is a conundrum! :eek:

    I think that there isn't really a lack of understanding, but rather miscommunication. Asian parents, when speaking in their native language don't use the right tone of voice or the right words when they tell us off or tell us not to do something. Everything just sounds so much harsher so it's hard to not argue with them and fight with them over everything they say. 75% of the time they are actually being reasonable, it's just a case where we can't see this because our minds are so clouded by the way they're speaking to us and their reason for not letting us do what we want to do is "just because". It's never "just because" - there's always a reason but our parents rarely wanna tell us for one reason or another. But there is always a reason, don't ever think that there isn't - just because they're not saying it, doesn't mean they don't have one. It usually is something like a fear of us hanging around the wrong people or not wanting us to waste money (in a lot of cases, they grew up with little money so spending a little bit here and there is like splashing out for them! lol). Like, they don't see us when we're out so they know exactly what we get up to. I mean, we could be in the library and we could tell them that a thousand times but unless they're with us they don't know and this is where trust comes into place. Our parents only have their trust in us to ensure them that we're safe and we're not doing anything stupid. We expect our parents to just trust us but what do we do to earn that trust? Trust is not love - it's conditional. Our parents hold unconditional love for us but they don't hold unconditional trust. Especially in today's society when our parents see some Asian teenagers hanging around the streets; because that is so common today, it's that much harder to earn their trust because for all they know, we could be those teens but on someone elses street corner!

    Our parents way of parenting is influenced by how their parents parented them: "do as I say and don't you dare question me". They would never dare question their parents. In today's society we have so much more freedom and freedom of speech than our parents had - we can say no to our parents but they couldn't to theirs. Because they couldn't say it to their parents, they never had to deal with the consequences of "no", which they have to deal with today, with their kids - with us.

    Only recently have I started realising this and now, rather than just hearing what my mum says when she tells me off or tells me not to do something, I listen to her and compromise with her. I used to completely ignore what she said, like it just wouldn't register in my head and I'd argue with her and try to her get her to understand and agree with my point but I wouldn't do the same for her - I wouldn't listen to her and understand what she was saying. I wanted her to listen to me but I wouldn't listen to her - I didn't even acknowledge her role in our relationship where she's mother and I'm daughter - she should have the final say (if it's within reason), not me.

    As for wanting to take orders because you don't like them, well, that's your problem. If you can take orders from the police/government and obey the law or from your teachers and obey school law, why can't you do the same for your parents? Your mother kept you inside her for 9 months, went through labour and spends the first 20-30 years of your life giving you a roof over your head, clothes on your body and food on your table. Why can't you show her the same respect that you show the strangers that are your teachers and police? With your mother, your father goes through too much stress every day to sort out electric bills, water bills, food, spending money, etc. so why can't you do the simplest thing and just listen to them while they're going through all of this to keep a roof over your head?

    Oh. Just to let you know, I'm not directing this specifically at you. I'm just thinking of all the ungrateful people I've come across in the past who have no idea what they have and it's really pissing me off lol

    Also, sorry if half it doesn't make sense! When I start writing a lot I go off on so many tangents because I'm trying to get everything in my mind down :eek: I've given up on proof-reading because while it makes sense in my head, I have no idea if it makes sense in anyone elses lol. I just hope for the best :innocent:


    (Original post by Mr Fish)
    May I ask how old you are, just curious..?
    17. May I ask what sparked your curiosity?
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    (Original post by Ayshizzle)
    Are you Asian? Lol I see it as quite a big thing to introduce a guy to your Asian parents... Like saying I found my husband! I have another 4 years to do at uni so they'll defo be like "no you can't date for that long, just get married next year" and neither of us are ready for that lol.

    My mum knows he's in my life cos I talk about his as a friend a lot, but that's about it!
    nope.but i have lots of Asian friends who are my age and are always talking about getting married like its a goal lol

    so you gonna introduce him after you done with uni, which is another 4 years? :confused:
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    (Original post by Vixen47)

    x
    i hope you put the same amount of effort in your coursework assignments :eek:

    does split personality mean living a doublie life?
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    (Original post by 99luft Balons)
    i hope you put the same amount of effort in your coursework assignments :eek:

    does split personality mean living a doublie life?
    I put the same amount of effort, but I never seem as determined with cw

    And I think so
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    I am a student during lectures and seminars and unemployed during the other hours of the day. Does that count?
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    (Original post by 99luft Balons)
    nope.but i have lots of Asian friends who are my age and are always talking about getting married like its a goal lol

    so you gonna introduce him after you done with uni, which is another 4 years? :confused:
    Yep that is the plan! In our culture you don't go introducing boys to your family unless you're ready to get married. If I was to introduce him now they'd tell me I'll have been dating him for too long by the time I finish uni and I need to get married soon seeing as I've found someone blah blah...

    Yeah marriage is an interesting thing to a lot of Asians, it's seen as compulsory (although this comes from tradition as women didn't used to be independent and couldn't really look after themselves and needed a man). IMO this is a bit outdated as I can certainly look after myself, and if I get married it'll be for love, not because I have to. But my mum is cool with that

    (Original post by Vixen47)
    Arggghhh. I've been trying to find a way to answer this all day. Literally, all day! I saw it as soon as you posted it and it's now 2.45am - 16 hours later, and yet I still can't think of the words to use! Well done. You're the first person in a very long time to make me feel like this - like I know what I'm thinking but can't get the words out! Lol. Okay, I'm gonna try a new strategy - take this a sentence at a time. Don't mind my loud thoughts and planning on how to reply. Either I'm really tired or this is really is a conundrum! :eek:
    ooh I feel honoured I asked such a thought- provoking question it wasn't meant to confuse/stress you out or anything

    I think that there isn't really a lack of understanding, but rather miscommunication. Asian parents, when speaking in their native language don't use the right tone of voice or the right words when they tell us off or tell us not to do something. Everything just sounds so much harsher so it's hard to not argue with them and fight with them over everything they say. 75% of the time they are actually being reasonable, it's just a case where we can't see this because our minds are so clouded by the way they're speaking to us and their reason for not letting us do what we want to do is "just because". It's never "just because" - there's always a reason but our parents rarely wanna tell us for one reason or another.
    I agree with this, and I do think that parents just expect you to get it when they tell you not to do something. When I was a teenager and wanted to go to a friends house, sometimes my mum wouldn't let me go and would just say "our girls don't go out". At the time, that reason seemed a strange one to me, and my mum probably should have explained to me (like you have also said below) that she didn;t want me getting myself into trouble etc. I never rebelled against this though, I just thought she was strange lol.

    But there is always a reason, don't ever think that there isn't - just because they're not saying it, doesn't mean they don't have one. It usually is something like a fear of us hanging around the wrong people or not wanting us to waste money (in a lot of cases, they grew up with little money so spending a little bit here and there is like splashing out for them! lol). Like, they don't see us when we're out so they know exactly what we get up to. [/QUOTE]
    YES! I think sometimes my mum thought that if I left the house I would be hooked on crack and sleeping around in no time! But that wasn't the case... I just wanted to spend time with friends lol.

    Our parents way of parenting is influenced by how their parents parented them: "do as I say and don't you dare question me". They would never dare question their parents. In today's society we have so much more freedom and freedom of speech than our parents had - we can say no to our parents but they couldn't to theirs. Because they couldn't say it to their parents, they never had to deal with the consequences of "no", which they have to deal with today, with their kids - with us.
    Do you ever question your parents? Just our of interest

    Only recently have I started realising this and now, rather than just hearing what my mum says when she tells me off or tells me not to do something, I listen to her and compromise with her.
    That comes with age

    I used to completely ignore what she said, like it just wouldn't register in my head and I'd argue with her and try to her get her to understand and agree with my point but I wouldn't do the same for her - I wouldn't listen to her and understand what she was saying. I wanted her to listen to me but I wouldn't listen to her - I didn't even acknowledge her role in our relationship where she's mother and I'm daughter - she should have the final say (if it's within reason), not me.
    This is quite normal with teenagers (well, from what I've observed). I guess there is a tendency to think you're (not you specifically) invincible, and that you know best. But most of the advice parents give comes from their own experiences, and they do know better about certain things than you. Of course this is not always the case, but even so there's always compromise.

    As for wanting to take orders because you don't like them, well, that's your problem. If you can take orders from the police/government and obey the law or from your teachers and obey school law, why can't you do the same for your parents?
    Yeah I think this too, if you're going to live under their household you should abide to their rules (unless they're completely ridiculous).

    Your mother kept you inside her for 9 months, went through labour and spends the first 20-30 years of your life giving you a roof over your head, clothes on your body and food on your table. Why can't you show her the same respect that you show the strangers that are your teachers and police? With your mother, your father goes through too much stress every day to sort out electric bills, water bills, food, spending money, etc. so why can't you do the simplest thing and just listen to them while they're going through all of this to keep a roof over your head?
    Yeah I don't think people actually think about what their parents have done for them. Although, I would like to say I'm not particularly grateful for being born (as I had no choice in the matter) but I am for everything since then.

    Oh. Just to let you know, I'm not directing this specifically at you. I'm just thinking of all the ungrateful people I've come across in the past who have no idea what they have and it's really pissing me off lol
    Yeah I got that

    Also, sorry if half it doesn't make sense! When I start writing a lot I go off on so many tangents because I'm trying to get everything in my mind down :eek: I've given up on proof-reading because while it makes sense in my head, I have no idea if it makes sense in anyone elses lol. I just hope for the best :innocent:
    Lol no it was perfectly coherent
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    (Original post by Vixen47)


    17. May I ask what sparked your curiosity?


    Do not get me wrong but from your post I could tell that you were in fact under 18/still in college and that you hadn't begun University yet. I think as you are still under/in your parents 'bubble' and you aren't in your own true personal life, you wont understand the premise of a double life. Assuming you move away from home for university, I guarantee you that the world as you perceive will change as you find your 'own' life, and not the world set out by your parents. Very difficult to explain till you get to uni yourself (maybe reply to this again in 2 years time hehe) but your double life will most probably begin as your new life forms, you will find it very different to your home one....
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    (Original post by Ayshizzle)
    Yep that is the plan! In our culture you don't go introducing boys to your family unless you're ready to get married. If I was to introduce him now they'd tell me I'll have been dating him for too long by the time I finish uni and I need to get married soon seeing as I've found someone blah blah...

    Yeah marriage is an interesting thing to a lot of Asians, it's seen as compulsory (although this comes from tradition as women didn't used to be independent and couldn't really look after themselves and needed a man). IMO this is a bit outdated as I can certainly look after myself, and if I get married it'll be for love, not because I have to. But my mum is cool with that
    it must be fun tho having a secret bf?like the thrill of having a secret relationship?the enigma

    if your dad find out will your bf be in danger?

    i think my aunt lives a double life.she is a law-abiding woman in her 50s but has another “self” who shoplifts

    (Original post by Mr Fish)
    Do not get me wrong but from your post I could tell that you were in fact under 18/still in college and that you hadn't begun University yet. I think as you are still under/in your parents 'bubble' and you aren't in your own true personal life, you wont understand the premise of a double life. Assuming you move away from home for university, I guarantee you that the world as you perceive will change as you find your 'own' life, and not the world set out by your parents. Very difficult to explain till you get to uni yourself (maybe reply to this again in 2 years time hehe) but your double life will most probably begin as your new life forms, you will find it very different to your home one....
    you sound like someone that is living a double life.can you tell me about it?

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Updated: February 18, 2013
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