[123ajh]

Hi this is the first time i've done this. I want to start writing a novel but don't think I have enough life experience to write one yet. I've looked at doing a bit of poetry and any feed back would be brilliant!!

A Brook Brothers button down
Cold, long, necked beer after beer
Those who will control the paths of history
Engulfed by glazed eyed beauties
Riches hung around their porcelain figures
Signs of a materialistic world once pined for.

A chance encounter in a far off land
Awoke unknown desires
To fall from the concrete giants of society
Into the depths of a society forgotten
Stigmatised for lack of ambition and morals
By a group afraid to step off the tracks

Across the black veins of society
Beatniks, Hippies, Vagabonds and hobos,
Bodies thick with smoke and alcohol
A desire for those like minded people
To stretch across midnight skies,
In the emptiness of God's given beauty.

[thebeast89]

(Original post by 123ajh)
Hi this is the first time i've done this. I want to start writing a novel but don't think I have enough life experience to write one yet. I've looked at doing a bit of poetry and any feed back would be brilliant!!

A Brook Brothers button down
Cold, long, necked beer after beer
Those who will control the paths of history
Engulfed by glazed eyed beauties
Riches hung around their porcelain figures
Signs of a materialistic world once pined for.

A chance encounter in a far off land
Awoke unknown desires
To fall from the concrete giants of society
Into the depths of a society forgotten
Stigmatised for lack of ambition and morals
By a group afraid to step off the tracks

Across the black veins of society
Beatniks, Hippies, Vagabonds and hobos,
Bodies thick with smoke and alcohol
A desire for those like minded people
To stretch across midnight skies,
In the emptiness of God's given beauty.

It's nice but it doesn't rhyme

[123ajh]

(Original post by thebeast89)
It's nice but it doesn't rhyme

I was just writing down my thoughts. I saw no need to have it rhyming.

[apple .]

I'm no expert but to me it reads like a nice piece of prose?

[philistine]

(Original post by thebeast89)
It's nice but it doesn't rhyme

You shapeless, brazen philistine. You, of course, wouldn't know that rhyme in poetry hasn't been the status quo since John Donne was flicking fag butts into the Ex. Poetry is in the hand of the line breaker.

I like the poem OP, though it's a bit heavy.

[the bear]

Keep writing !! The absence of rhyme does not prevent great poetry; it is all about connecting ideas to ideas and then connecting to the reader.
Only connect.

[thebeast89]

(Original post by philistine)
You shapeless, brazen philistine. You, of course, wouldn't know that rhyme in poetry hasn't been the status quo since John Donne was flicking fag butts into the Ex. Poetry is in the hand of the line breaker.

I like the poem OP, though it's a bit heavy.

Did I say it's not a poem because it doesn't rhyme? I merely observed that it doesn't rhyme. I even said it was nice. Chill

[philistine]

(Original post by thebeast89)
Did I say it's not a poem because it doesn't rhyme? I merely observed that it doesn't rhyme. I even said it was nice. Chill

Your response distinctly implied that it was a negative. Rhyme in poetry is as necessary as steroids in championship darts.

[Bey Taco]

It is a good start. With work and time you could do well

[123ajh]

(Original post by philistine)
You shapeless, brazen philistine. You, of course, wouldn't know that rhyme in poetry hasn't been the status quo since John Donne was flicking fag butts into the Ex. Poetry is in the hand of the line breaker.

I like the poem OP, though it's a bit heavy.

Yeah I realise it might be a little heavy but I felt that worked well with my feelings.

[123ajh]

(Original post by Bey Taco)
It is a good start. With work and time you could do well

Thanks. I'm definitely going to start working on more and try and improve this one!

[Land-based mammal]

i like the way the words spill over the line imitating the impetuous force of life itself. your poem is like watching the world pass by on a train ride its fast, elegantly conflated, beautifully precise.

[FilthyYouth]

(Original post by Land-based mammal)
i like the way the words spill over the line imitating the impetuous force of life itself. your poem is like watching the world pass by on a train ride its fast, elegantly conflated, beautifully precise.

I think I just threw up.

Enjoyed the poem, but as mentioned earlier a little too heavy.

[Land-based mammal]

(Original post by FilthyYouth)
I think I just threw up.

Enjoyed the poem, but as mentioned earlier a little too heavy.

lol